“Fickle and shallow”

Parking-Act · 2020-01-24T14:38:31+00:00

Your mistake was telling him "don't break my heart". It seems like he took it as some type of insult/generalization as if you were bullying him (men) or something so he replied with the same (a (misogynistic) generalization about women) and told you not to be fickle and shallow.

In telling him not to break your heart you imply that its what you expect and reveal that its most likely happened to you.

Him telling you don't be fickle and shallow implies that those are the conditions you must follow in order for him not to in fact break your heart. It also reveals that most likely he's referring to an ex being "fickle and shallow" and so he broke her heart because of it. The words fickle and shallow coming from a mans mouth is a huge red flag. It reaks of misogyny, control and manipulation.

If by you revealing this insecurity (which you should have kept to yourself) made him show his ass like that. I'd take it at face value. He just showed you who he is, believe him the first time.

I personally would NEXT him. BLOCK and DELETE! Even though the slip up was on your part he still showed his fallen mask really fast. RUN!

husheveryone · 2020-01-24T14:31:56+00:00

This is a prime example of how society trains women to ignore their crystal clear intuition/“spidey sense” to avoid a gaslighting abuser.

Whoever ends up with this dude is going to waste a lot of her life trying to please him with his ever-moving, vague goalposts.

StillAwakeofCourse · 2020-01-24T14:31:30+00:00

Almost sounds like a threat to me - if you behave in a way he deems is fickle and shallow, he'll break your heart and feel justified doing so.

It's the beginnings of negging. This is a subtle bit of control that is tickling your mind because it's not right. You've already started second guessing your actions and wonder how you'll behave in the future.

It's a red flag, imo. I'd end it.

quaintlyspoken · 2020-01-24T14:47:42+00:00

Any man who mentions "fickle", "shallow" or "loyalty" as prerequisites to how they ahould be treated out of nowhere are just waiting to unload their issues on you. It's also a kind of negging that will go south in time and escalate to abuse.

Those words are also talk points that FDS regularly makes fun of guys for saying at women because we know what they mean when they do say it.

You are right OP. In a moment of VULNERABILITY in which a partner who cares about you in the most basic way would have comforted you, told you about what makes him feel confident in your connection, the things that you both are doing to protect each other, etc.

Instead he went all, "Bitches ain't shit n you ain't either." 🤦

Dump him OP. Your intuition is 100% right. You will not regret it. I don't care what anyone else has said to the contrary.

Dick is abundant and low in value!

You deserve a man who will not prey on your vulnerability. A HVM would not treat you like this! I've fucked up too a bit with my guy but you know what? 100% different experience than with a LVM every time.

thruAblue-eyedhaze · 2020-01-24T14:56:53+00:00

I feel like he's setting you up to put it on you when he does something that hurts you like "well I told you not to be shallow so you asked for this" type vibe. Personally I would either block him, or tell him exactly how ridiculous he is for attempting this manipulation and then block him.

Ms_Tilly · 2020-01-24T14:54:36+00:00

That is a really weird response to something men and women say every day. Like many commenters noted, it's an insecure thing to say, especially in a romantic moment. He may have taken offense to it and shot that back as a defensive move. I think people who take offense to something like that are probably the kind of people that break a lot of hearts. If I heard that I would immediately be wary that I was dealing with an insecure person, but there's no way I would respond defensively. I would probably just get quiet because saying "never" might end up being a lie.

I wouldn't ask him about his response or ruminate on it too much, but do consider it a red flag. I don't think he was saying you are fickle or shallow, but he was saying those things would cause him to break your heart. And you don't know how very little it would take for him to consider you being either of those things.

Take a big step back with this dude. Don't say any more lovey dovey or insecure things to him. Make him prove himself worthy of your love. I'm not sure this guy is capable. If you want the power back, you have to pull the emotions back. Don't be cold, but let him take the lead with any romantic gestures or words. And when you start to feel able to trust him again, you can give him a little more, but not too much. They really do need to love us more than we love them for it to work.

purasangria · 2020-01-24T14:50:51+00:00

He probably means, "Don't expect much from me."

I'd keep my eye out for some shit behavior to come from him, starting about now.

thewetdog_ · 2020-01-24T14:09:41+00:00

I would definitely ask but also ask yourself why you told him to not break your heart in the first place.

Sis you were having a moment, being romantic, you were coming out on top and outta nowhere you dropped the insecurity. Not a good look and also flips the power unnecessarily.

letsberealforamoment · 2020-01-24T15:56:52+00:00

Yep. End it.

All of a sudden, he will decided your issues regarding him and the relationship are "fickle and shallow". Your spider sense is right.

End it. Send him a text saying that it's over between the both of you, and block him. Don't give any reasons.

the-cool-hedgehog · 2020-01-24T16:46:24+00:00

I agree with other comments, just wanted to add a little compliment - you have a good eye/have developed good instincts by noticing this red-flaggy response and posting it here to validate your intuition instead of brushing it off, so I wanted to give you a pat on the back on that, good leveling up!

ScrappleSandwiches · 2020-01-24T15:28:29+00:00

Not going to lie, sis, but the petty in me loves #3. I went in an emotional battle of wills of my own with one guy and got all pickmeisha but came out to a fair playing level and I’m sorry y’all but if he comes back I’m going to play with him a little. 🙄🤔😂🤷🏻‍♀️😈😈😈😈

husheveryone · 2020-01-24T16:54:15+00:00

[deleted]

juliannawackenhat · 2020-01-24T14:13:31+00:00

I wouldn’t even assume it had to do with you, more likely his past relationships. Probably wouldn’t even ask him about it if it were me.

woiashenseea · 2020-01-25T01:52:06+00:00

GIGANTIC RED FLAG

HE WAITED FOR YOU TO EMOTIONALLY INVEST

Take time OFF and AWAY from this guys company!! Reassess!!

GCchick · 2020-01-24T15:39:34+00:00

Well, you spoke of your insecurity, it's only fair that he spoke his. It's kind of tit for tat here.

Never tell a guy not to break your heart. First of all, because it's deeply unhealthy to bring past experiences into a new relationship. That sentence really meant "Don't break your heart like all the others men I've met in the past". It's good to learn from past mistakes, it's never good to dwell on them. And it's not fair to bring them into a new relationship. Pessimism is a turn off, both for women and men.

Then, the other mistake you made when you said this is that you gave that man way too much power and responsability. You are responsible of your own well being, not him. He must treat you with respect but he's not your keeper. You are responsible for your own heart and the decisions you make.

Honestly, when men tell me "not to break their heart" or "not to be like my exes" or whatever other needy phrase, it's such a huge redflag that you're actually pretty lucky with the way he responded. I would have dropped a guy that couldn't handle reining in his insecurities. I'm just after coming out of this type of situation, it's horrible to have someone make your responsible of their own well being.

Unlikely-Marzipan · 2020-01-24T14:32:48+00:00

That’s an interesting response. It could have just been something he’s heard somewhere and it really had no meaning. Or it could have been from a past relationship. I guess you could ask what he means? I wouldn’t write him off for that. I guess it may be worth trying to keep your heart in a bit (though I know it’s hard so I’m not judging!) but just so you don’t slip out an insecurity again. I get it because I’ve made those mistakes so many times, but it’s not worth it for the fact they can take advantage of you, and become complacent because they get a sense of security that you’ll always be there.

SaddleUpBucephalus · 2020-01-24T15:56:22+00:00

Definitely a red flag. I would ask him what he means by it. At 2 months it's worth a discussion, not necessarily to keep the relationship going but as a practice in communication.

Title	“Fickle and shallow”
Author	ScrappleSandwiches
Upvotes	35
Comments	41
Date	January 24, 2020 2:05 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/etatvb/fickle_and_shallow/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/fickle-and-shallow.684124 https://theredarchive.com/post/684124

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