Getting Dumped by a HVM

Radtron3000 · 2020-03-03T14:54:17+00:00

Ya I don't think it's on you for him to suddenly realize he rushed into a relationship, that's all his fault. I think he's just making excuses for an inability to commit. At least he's letting you know not to take him seriously; he likely wants to play the field for a bit because somehow you don't measure up to his previous relationship, which doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you, but that he's still fixated on his previous partner.

SarcasmSlide · 2020-03-03T16:19:52+00:00

This is the part that really stood out for me, beloved.

I definitely plan on working on myself during this period of recovery, but deep down I'm hoping that someday we'll be able to be in a relationship again. Would that be appropriate or realistic?

This is problematic. He has clearly communicated that this relationship isn’t what he wants. Whatever reasons he’s given for that are irrelevant at this point. You’re hanging on and hiding behind hope. Please don’t do that. Take it on the chin, process your disappointment (because I recognize it’s immensely disappointing), and move forward. It sounds like this is an important time for your growth and learning to let go. I wish you peace.

SaddleUpBucephalus · 2020-03-03T15:58:21+00:00

Keep in mind you've only known him for 2 months and any man can keep up that facade for such a short amount of time. It's still the Honeymoon phase and you're idealizing him. If he treated you well, that's great, that means you can attract and develop a relationship with a good guy. But there are others. He let you go, and your life is your own. Build it and forget about him.

circescircus · 2020-03-03T20:19:05+00:00

You're projecting your fantasies onto him.

You dated for less than 2 months, and he treated you decently and respectfully during that time, but ultimately should have never even dated you or expressed romantic interest, when he is either emotionally unavailable or just not that into you.

He got what he wanted-- short-term validation from you, and he's moving on. He has said it himself. Why do you call him an "amazing human being"? If a woman did this, acted like a normal and decent person for a few months, then dumped the guy because she's not over her ex and openly admits she dated the man because she seeks validation-- would you think she was an amazing human being?

2 months is not enough time to know a person's true character. He gave you a glimpse of his true character when he dumped you, but you're clinging onto your fantasy.

If you leave the door open for him, he'll lose total respect for you and see you as someone he deals with only when he wants to, when he wants sex or validation. If he reaches out to you and you take the bait, he is not going to respect you or take you seriously. If you get roped into seeing him again, he won't treat you the way he did the first time. He'll just dangle a carrot in front of you. People who seek validation through using other people, don't easily change, without a lot of self-observation, self-awareness and self-work. And most of them never do that work. It's a lot easier to find naive or low self-esteem people to exploit, so few of them address the rot within themselves.

It takes at least 6 months to know a person's true character. That is, 6 months of seeing them almost everyday, seeing them in different situations, slowly getting to know them. A person isn't a HVM or HVW after they dumped someone they just used and exploited for emotional validation, sex and companionship.

He actually showed you his true character before 6 months, but you just don't want to believe it. When people show you who they are, believe them.

Not to sound too harsh, I just don't want you to get (more) hurt. Let this go sis.

I suggest reading the book, "The Dreamer and the Fantasy Relationship" by Natalie Lue, it goes into a lot of detail about this type of mindset and dating pattern.

pencilmeinpls · 2020-03-03T14:36:29+00:00

I really believe that if it’s supposed to happen, it will. Don’t force it or “wait” for him. Keep focusing on you and if you’re meant to find your way back to each other, you will.

Ms_Tilly · 2020-03-03T17:32:36+00:00

Agreeing with other posters. Not a HVM. 6-7 weeks is way too soon to make that determination.

OP Don't wait around for this dude or have any hopes of a future with him when HE is ready. He'll most likely break your heart again. All those words he used was just another way to say he's not that into you.

Elegant_Flight · 2020-03-03T18:53:26+00:00

He’s not that into you.

radical__daphne · 2020-03-03T14:30:26+00:00

I still think he’s just a fuckboy. A gracious and polite fuckboy - but a fuckboy nonetheless. If you really want or value something, you don’t break up with it and hope it’s still there in a year. Forget about him - something else caught his attention.

AyemHerself · 2020-03-03T21:30:36+00:00

He strung you along for 2 months before deciding to be single. That was in his mind the whole time, he didn't suddenly realize he got out of a relationship before you. There's nothing high value about the way he treated you.

We need to stop calling every guy we happen to like a HVM.

surviveIIthrive · 2020-03-03T21:23:03+00:00

I'm confused about what makes this guy a HVM? It sounds like he was future faking, got off on the high of a new relationship and then dumped OP probably after they had sex! Am I missing something? I realize OP is still in college and very young so may not understand what we mean when we say HVM. But this ain't it OP!

sweatydeath · 2020-03-03T14:57:20+00:00

Out of curiosity, how often were you two hanging out per week?

atxtopdx · 2020-03-03T15:15:36+00:00

I’m sorry things didn’t work out for you, and also a little confused. You said you met two months ago and “made it official” after 6-7 weeks of dating. Does that mean he broke up with you within days of the DTR talk? How did that talk come about?

aclumsygirl · 2020-03-03T15:21:31+00:00

Sometimes it just doesn't work out, even with HVM. It's not a reflection on you at all. All you can do is move forward with your life. If it's meant to be, he'll be back. If it isn't, then he won't. There's no way at all to know, and you should not wait around for him. There are millions of men out there. Don't fall into the scarcity mindset trap of thinking you'll never find anyone like him again. If you can attract one HVM, you can attract plenty of others.

Radtron3000 · 2020-03-03T18:07:42+00:00

[deleted]

lilitha134 · 2020-03-04T09:50:36+00:00

He was waiting for you to put out and thought that making it "official" Will change your mind about waiting before marriage. When you didn't change your mind he bailed. Kudos for staying true to yourself. He will probably be contacting you again sooner or later but don't expect much of him. This is the maximum he can give you (and it's doesn't seem much).

Elegant_Flight · 2020-03-04T11:41:50+00:00

Wow... this response chain is overly obsessive of this guy and is giving him waaaaaaay too much thought.

He doesn’t want to be with you. Yes, it may hurt and it may suck because your infatuation love drugs are high this early on when dating someone/it sucks when someone dumps you. That’s legit, but put your big girl panties on, break contact with him (block the guy) and move on.

You shouldn’t give someone who doesn’t want to be with you this much headspace. Nor should FDS encourage obsessing.

redfarmmmmm · 2020-03-04T14:19:30+00:00

He’s not HVM. If he was, he wouldn’t have strung you along while his feelings werent in clear order. Kudos for you for getting rid of him.

HighLife0001 · 2020-03-04T14:57:30+00:00

Doesn’t sound like HVM to me. HVM is kind and doesn’t play around with people’s feelings who gives a shit about you. He just has basic manners which you mistake for him being HV

KillChildProcesses · 2020-03-03T22:11:37+00:00

Sorry you feel bad, keep your head up friend :)

AntiCircles · 2020-03-03T23:49:39+00:00

2 months is not enough time to determine if he is a hwm

2020-03-03T15:29:09+00:00

[removed]

Title	Getting Dumped by a HVM
Author	WildTenderness
Upvotes	29
Comments	63
Date	March 3, 2020 2:17 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/fcv6p4/getting_dumped_by_a_hvm/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/getting-dumped-by-a-hvm.681030 https://theredarchive.com/post/681030

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