How to approach multi-dating?

snowwhite224 · 2022-01-25T03:00:27+00:00

I just want to know how to find multiple men that I’m interested in to date. I downloaded Hinge and I think I’ve flipped through 150-200 profiles and so far have only found ONE, single solitary guy that met my baseline standards just based on his profile.

Olympia43 · 2022-01-25T09:53:54+00:00

I don't use dating apps so multi dating is hard for me (especially with covid). But here are my answers based on my experience :

- If they ask me if I'm seeing other guys, I say yes and then I watch their reaction. Unless we are exclusive, I owe them nothing. But I would never give them details about the other dates, even saying "oh this one went wonderful". They don't need to know.

- If they are dating other women, I don't care because they owe me nothing in that stance until we are exclusive. However, if they brag about it, red flag. If they compare us, red flag. If they triangulate us, red flag. If he has sex and he tells me (because I wouldn't know otherwise), red flag. Him dating other women is not a red flag for me. How he talks about it and about them may be one. (i.e I should not be aware he is dating other women, I don't see how, in a healthy way, a man I'm seeing can say this to me without the whole context being a red flag).

- I don't let them get physical with me until we are exclusive. We may kiss if I feel like it after several dates. But no make out. No sex. Nothing more until we are exclusive.

Madholley · 2022-01-25T02:03:13+00:00

I have a few thoughts to share:

-I don't volunteer that I am dating other men. If they ask directly, I will say something vague like I am free to date until I become exclusive. No details, change the subject. If they ask for details I see that as a red flag; controlling and jealous.

-I don't ask if they are dating other women. I pay attention to certain things; do they seem to get confused about things (Ie, "I thought I told you this" or "Don't you have a flower tattoo?" nope and nope!) Are they always busy on weekends- ie, am I the "Tuesday girl"? If they aren't making time for me or they aren't smart enough to date other women and keep it straight, they aren't worth my time. But also, it really doesn't matter. We don't sleep with men without commitment so he can date whoever he wants without affecting our sexual health. And mostly, because we want someone who is CHOOSING us. Whether he is dating other women or not, he will either get lazy and stop pursuing, develop feelings and commit, or not meet your standards and you will move on. Either way, win.

-FDS stance is always listen to your gut, never stop vetting, and know yourself. If you need physical touch, hug friends before your dates. Set rules for yourself and abide by them. I am a sucker for kissing, it clouds my judgment, so I don't kiss until date 3/4 when I have had some chance to be rational. Even then, I make sure we are in a public place so it doesn't go too far.

baeyayrea · 2022-01-25T02:07:43+00:00

Why would you tell them you’re dating other people unless they ask directly? No need to volunteer any information about your private life unless asked. If asked, you can defer the question “why do you want to know?” Or just be very vague “I’ve been on dates with other people” or “if someone piques my interested I’ll accept a date with them” etc.

Unless you’ve had a conversation about being exclusive there’s no reason a guy should be surprised or anything but respectful and understanding about those responses. If he wants you to be exclusive he will ask directly and make it know…

Audderpop270 · 2022-01-25T06:26:50+00:00

I never divulged that I was seeing other people when multi-dating. Until you are committed, it is frankly none of their business. Men will absolutely do the same to you so you should play the game as well!

Agree with other posters, the guy who asks you to go out on Saturday is the most interested. I would also focus on guys who ask you out days in advance. I would not accept any dates that give less than three days notice. Then you can start weeding out the time-wasters.

Good on you girl for putting yourself out there and playing the field!

ewokblubber · 2022-01-25T12:40:12+00:00

I multi-date and like it, but I think it has to be handled with care.

First, I think that in order to date in general, but especially to multi-date, you need to be in a healthy headspace and have a good handle on yourself on your boundaries. If dating is a pitfall, then multidating is as many pitfalls as you have men in your lives. Regarding your phsyical touch-issue: I find that multi-dating lessens attachment to any single one man, but if you try it and seriously find yourself struggling with this, I'd take it as a sign that this form of dating isn't right for you at this moment in time and not do it. The biggest boundary to maintain is phsyical, anyways: I absolutely do not sleep with, get naked with, do anything more than a simple kiss with anyone I'm not yet committed with.

I also never tell the men about each other. Obviously, don't lie and agree to being exclusive if you are still seeing other people. During initial dates, I don't volunteer any information about my dating life. I'm just 'busy this Thursday, but we can meet Monday'. Done. If a man asks for exclusivity, but I still want to explore another option for a week or two, I just say that I'm not quite ready for exclusivity yet and would like to meet him a few times more before committing- no mention of other men.

Same goes for their own dating behaviour: none of my business. I expect a certain level of adult discretion, so I don't appreciate being told about other dates either- I obviously wouldn't have a meltdown like the guy with the bruised ego from your story, but I would block and delete any man who tells me about other dates. Feels too much like triangulation to me. Other than that, though, we're all adults here. I'm under no illusions that we're all exploring our options. As long as it's done respectfully, that's quite alright by me.

Platipus6 · 2022-01-25T02:01:34+00:00

Just say you're busy. If he hasn't planned a proper date for Saturday, he doesn't get to know anything about your time. If he wants to see you or wants your time and attention, he needs to take you on a date. Turn your phone to Do Not Disturb while you're on a date and be present with the current guy.

If they're dating other women (and sleeping with them) wish them well and cut them off. If they're spending on other women, they're not too invested with you, cut them off. If he's having coffee and walk dates with other women, he's a cheap loser, cut him off.

It's his job to impress you so much you want to pick him out of all your suitors.

Try to top up your physical touch with other things, like playing with a pet, paying for a professional massage, hugging girlfriends, warm showers, soft pajamas or a weighted blanket. Go for a walk or do yoga to reduce your cortisol and increase your own oxytocin and endorphins.

GeorgiaPeach_94 · 2022-01-25T11:47:16+00:00

On the bright side, that turned out to be a great vetting tool to flush out a weirdo before he wasted any more of your time...

herbivorouscarnivore · 2022-01-25T17:34:09+00:00

I think it’s a given that we are both dating multiple people until there’s the discussion about becoming exclusive. I wouldn’t volunteer the information, partly as a precaution.

If touch clouds your judgment that much, I suggest doing your best to avoid whatever forms affect you the most. This could even be a vetting process: tell him that you want to get to know him as a person, and even these little intimacies cloud your judgment. A potentially HVM will respect that. A LVM will proceed to take every chance to touch you and f-ck up your judgment for his benefit.

Title	How to approach multi-dating?
Author	originallykoko
Upvotes	132
Comments	34
Date	January 25, 2022 1:46 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/sc1t88/how_to_approach_multidating/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/how-to-approach-multi-dating.1097718 https://theredarchive.com/post/1097718

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