I feel like this needs to be said, but let’s stop praising men for doing the bare minimum

Lost_Kale90 · 2021-09-10T19:29:37+00:00

I completely agree. I was just reading a book this morning (How to Spot a Dangerous Man by Sandra Brown) where she said that the problem women face is they experience being treated poorly (lack of attentiveness, availability, poor communication, immaturity, mental health issues, abuse etc etc) and then the next man they meet seems amazing because all they've experienced is this lackluster treatment when usually the man is just doing the bare minimum, or a lot of times worse, are able to capitalize on the women's previous poor treatment and actually be kinda manipulative and predatory because the women can't see the red flags.

otroniveI · 2021-09-10T18:30:56+00:00

Women help keep the bar in hell for men by simping for men for doing things they naturally expect from women. Also the lack of shaming men get and the immense shaming women get by both men & women also helps keep the bar in hell.

ohiomarge79 · 2021-09-10T18:24:52+00:00

I wonder if a post discussing real examples of exceptional behaviour would be a good idea, maybe even for the handbook. Somewhere where we can comment on real life examples of exceptional behaviour we have seen from men rather than bare minimum behaviour.

thinktwiceorelse · 2021-09-10T22:01:17+00:00

The main problem with LVM is their inconsistency. They can be exceptional one moment, and absolutely vile in next. They aren't always terrible. If they were we wouldn't have stayed with them for so long.

pancakejourney · 2021-09-10T17:58:28+00:00

When I think of men these days I ask myself "would what he's doing be seen as extraordinary if it was one of my female friends who did it?"
My friends check on me, talk to me, encourage me or warn me, avoid things they know I don't like, cook for me, share their belongings with me, make sure I got home safe, pay for me and gift me things I like.
I'm doing the same in return.
This is the minimum someone has to do to be considered partner material in the future.

electroloop · 2021-09-10T19:58:51+00:00

But did your previous bf get you a stuffed animal though?

honeybadgerattitude · 2021-09-10T17:27:08+00:00

Agreed! Most women make exceptional partners. I know I did/do. I'm not accepting anything but at least exceptional in return. Choosing a man shouldn't be like choosing which political party to vote for. If you're picking the lesser of two evils because there are no other options then it's time for a revolution my friend!!

fingernmuzzle · 2021-09-10T17:37:54+00:00

“…there 👏is 👏more 👏to 👏being 👏hv 👏than 👏being 👏a 👏decent 👏human 👏being.” there it is

Risas1239 · 2021-09-10T18:27:18+00:00

Thank. You. When I see these types of posts I always ask myself- would I think this was special if my best friend or mom did it, or of I did it? We devalue women’s emotional labor so much, and praise men for the bare minimum.

This question is also great for when they’re hurting you. “Would I do that to him?” Just thinking about the exceptionally effed type of mindset I would need to be in to do some of the selfish crap men do on the daily is enough to make me snap out of it.

arnezuara · 2021-09-10T17:45:45+00:00

Seeing some wholesome content once in awhile is good. But we have to be careful not to reinforce the “grateful for the bare minimum” mentality.

One_Bat_2525 · 2021-09-10T20:52:28+00:00

Agreed.

I see this at work a lot. I am so lucky to work with some inspirational and phenomenal women. I also work with some brilliant men that have been great mentors to me and have taught me so much in my profession… however, something I pick up on is the praise heaped on some men for doing the bare minimum. Never women. One of them is so unbelievably lazy and got a shout out in a recent team meeting for doing something that all of us do all the time and we had to give him a round of applause. We also have two new interns in my team and the expectations put on the female intern is so much more than the male. I’ve actually had to go to HR and say something.

mothboon · 2021-09-10T20:37:57+00:00

Lol indeed, the bar is in hell!

I think collectively, if we keep up what we expect out of them, we have the power to reshape our entire civilization. Womankind is amazing.

jkklfdasfhj · 2021-09-10T21:16:55+00:00

The worst is when LVM get upset for not being praised for bare minimum.

cakewalkofshame · 2021-09-10T20:12:21+00:00

A friend of mine recently was GUSHING about this guy because I guess when she asked him what body type he preferred in women, he said "It doesn't matter, it's more about who she is as a person." Bull. Shit. It's SOOOOO easy for guys to just lie and tell us what they think we wanna hear. And so many of us are SO ready to think that he's actually being honest (lmao) and that this makes him aMaZiNg. The bar is in hell.

IllustratorUnhappy55 · 2021-09-11T02:53:51+00:00

I have a story that I think fits the bill. I have a job I absolutely love and kids in school. No car (yet but soon). Undiagnosed autistic and been feeling burned out. A man I see (who I have known almost 4 years now) yesterday made me cry. He drove 30-45 min to pick my kids up from school, dropped them off at home, got me from work, took me grocery shopping, dealt with me being pre-meltdown tired and premenstrual patiently, cleaned my disaster area kitchen, cooked dinner for everyone, cleaned up after, helped me fold laundry, and had an amazing adult time once kids were asleep, and then dropped us all off where we needed to be in the morning, and picked me up from work in the afternoon. I cried because I'm so used to men being shit I get overwhelmed when one is good. He's not perfect by any means, but he knew I needed a break. He also proved he actually listens to our conversations by things he said recently. I'll always be vetting. Its just nice that when I see him he is always 100%.

Ashitaga · 2021-09-10T22:49:44+00:00

This resonates with me so much! I am frustrated when women I know are thrilled to see their "amazing" boyfriend be a decent human being. WOW how amazing, he listens to you! Like any decent person should!

BasieSkanks · 2021-09-11T07:23:59+00:00

This is why all men benefit from the actions of abusive/shitty men. They succeed in lowering the bar so much that women become excessively grateful when a man does the barest of minimums. I have seen women praise a man for not raping them and respecting them when they said they did not want to have sex. That is how low the bar is.

HumanAdhesiveness360 · 2021-09-11T04:03:03+00:00

You just convinced me that single for life with all my animals is the way to go

BarbwireBoots · 2021-09-10T17:54:12+00:00

Thank you for this post. As a slightly “older” woman, happily married to a HVM for 15 years, I am suspect when I see posts praising these kinds of acts.

For instance, my husband only brings me flowers on my birthday. He’s not always tip-top where his socks go. I make all the meals and do the dishes. Sometimes he asks me to bring him a drink.

But you know what? He pays all the bills. I am a housewife sometimes, a worker sometimes, and a student sometimes. He hugs and kisses me every day, always says “I love you,” is home every day after work without exception, asks me how I’m doing, is protective over my safety, encourages me to pursue things that make me happy, makes me laugh and laughs at my jokes, worries about me, the list goes on and on. I am secure with him, he has been consistently like this since day one, and there are no signs he will change. Not one. And he would not dream of not working. Ever. Cheating and porn are not a thing in our marriage. He knows I’d burn the house down, and honestly I’m pretty sure I’m more than enough woman for him.

My experience with deadbeats and losers before my husband is extensive and I know of what I speak. Any gestures of “kindness” (a sorry attempt of “love bombing”) were cheap, half-assed, and given with an expectation of sex or praise. They were also cliche. Are you interested in me? Make sure that is very clear by not giving me any indication you feel otherwise. And if the behavior changes or the kindness seems to suddenly drop off, run for the hills.

dawg_with_a_blog · 2021-09-10T22:28:03+00:00

This needs to be said weekly!

her-vagesty · 2021-09-11T13:50:36+00:00

My parents would never think to do that kind of thing for me. Like they care but they don't go extra for celebrations. At my undergrad my mum said on the phone "you don't want us to come do you?" (A 6 hour car journey) And I was like "..I guess not.." and then I didn't end up going either because what was the point, I had no family to celebrate with or make a big deal out of it (which sucks because it was an undergrad in a very good uni, it was a great achievement but I've never thought of it as such, from the way my mum spoke that day). After my master's degree I made them fly to a different country to celebrate graduation with me. I'm glad you have HV parents, I think it really does wonders for your self worth. I wish everyone had them.

AutoModerator · 2021-09-10T17:08:53+00:00

[1] - We Just Launched a Website: wwww.TheFemaleDatingStrategy.com. Click here for registration information. Please also join our Twitter and Instagram Pages for updates!
[2] - Please read the FDS Handbook and Wiki before commenting. Repeated comments demonstrating lack of basic sub knowledge will result in a temporary or permanent ban.
[3] - Please REPORT any comments that do not follow the sub rules. If you do not report it, the mods will not see it.
[4] - PLEASE REMOVE ALL PERSONAL IDENTIFIABLE INFORMATION from images (Name, Location, Job description, education, phone number, etc). Failure to remove ID info will result in a 1-2 day ban. Repeated failures will result in a permanent ban.
[5] - This sub is FEMALE ONLY. All comments from men will be removed and you will be banned. DO NOT REPLY TO MALE TROLLS!! Please DOWNVOTE and REPORT immediately.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

spicyarmstrong · 2021-09-10T17:39:12+00:00

I agree. I’m relatively new to FDS (so feel free to correct me if I’m wrong) but I’ve also been finding posts that don’t align with the principles in the handbook. Some advice/posts are straight up like the ones you find on the bigger, libfem-leaning subreddits...you know, the ones that sometimes get dragged over here lol. I like this sub because lord knows how many slaps in the face it has given me so it would be a shame to see that kind of honesty being diluted and mediocrity of men being praised.

inmyownworldd · 2021-09-10T19:35:30+00:00

Peach 👐👐 I've been thinking it - glad you said it!!!

Title	I feel like this needs to be said, but let’s stop praising men for doing the bare minimum
Author	Vmchik
Upvotes	876
Comments	51
Date	September 10, 2021 5:08 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/plp86u/i_feel_like_this_needs_to_be_said_but_lets_stop/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/i-feel-like-this-needs-to-be-said-but-lets-stop.1069428 https://theredarchive.com/post/1069428

Comments