Is this a red flag?

falconersys · 2021-11-25T11:12:32+00:00

Ugh, no thanks. You never want a partner who you need to remind to help - or worse, watch you clean and not jump in.

I have weekly family dinners with my boyfriend's family, and after helping cook the meal (while I enjoy a glass of wine), he always waits until I'm done eating, and then clears my plate and starts cleaning the kitchen with no prompting. I've never asked him to do that, either. Usually he's got the kitchen cleaned and all the leftovers put away before we can break out dessert.

If he wanted to help, or wanted to make hosting easier on your sister, he would. Him watching you two do all the work tells you all you need.

scorchedsouI · 2021-11-25T08:37:32+00:00

So, he saw you two cleaning and didn't help? Does he think his dick makes him too good to clean or something? Consider this a preview of your future marriage.

Aromatic-Owl8808 · 2021-11-25T08:50:39+00:00

It is absolutely basic manners. And if even if it isn't, if it bothers you, it's a dealbreaker for you.

TherulerT · 2021-11-25T11:01:57+00:00

I mean the wine thing is fine, I don't bring gifts each time for friends and family I visit often.

Not helping with cleaning is the bigger issue here.

Ok-Yogurtcloset3467 · 2021-11-25T11:41:04+00:00

I have a brother who would do the same. And I plan on warning every woman he dates that they are signing up for a lifetime of being a mummy bangmaid. Yes it is a massive red flag

Pahapan · 2021-11-25T19:11:55+00:00

Unless this is the type of family where guests are forbidden from helping (in which case she would have turned down your offer to help clean) and where members don't typically bring anything to the host's place for casual family get-togethers, this is LVM behavior. I suspect that were their roles reversed and it was him hosting, his sister would probably have both brought something and helped clean up.

How men treat their female relatives (and the other women in their lives) is very telling and is foreshadowing for how they'll eventually treat you. And maybe not immediately, but sometimes years down the road when they're confident they've got you sufficiently tethered to the point that you'll tolerate their bullshit.

But don't stop at their behavior towards women, look at the entire family dynamic. I have a brother who is the youngest in our generation and a master of weaponized incompetence. He doesn't discriminate, he'll sit back and do nothing while both male and female relatives clean up after dinner. These type of men are also to be avoided. It's partially our fault for coddling him, because he was the baby and there were so many older siblings to take care of things for him, but he's failed his obligation as an adult to do some introspection and realize that being inconsiderate and lazy is a moral failing.

oddcharm · 2021-11-25T12:35:43+00:00

The gift is definitely a let down but not a total dealbreaker in my eyes (depends also how big of a deal the dinner was made out to be). But the not cleaning up is so rude and inconsiderate of him, good on you for being observant. Too many men feel as though chores are women’s responsibility. The fact that him seeing you two clean didn’t get him off his ass is ridiculous. He should be on his best behaviour around you.

If you want someone a bit more generous and thoughtful I’d keep looking.

xfelugirlx · 2021-11-25T11:01:33+00:00

He is used to not doing shit and see women like the only ones that have that responsability. Is a big NO once he get past you, you will be his sister doing all his stuff

Aromatic-Owl8808 · 2021-11-25T08:48:43+00:00

Is this a red flag?

If you have to ask, yes, it is.

GlitteryMoss · 2021-11-25T17:54:31+00:00

Mooch. He is a lazy mooch.

BookwormJane · 2021-11-26T03:57:25+00:00

Unfortunately he was probably raised in a sexist home where women are supposed to clean and men are supposed to do nothing. His upbringing must have been very shitty and he's probably a spoiled momma's boy.

cutiebranch · 2021-11-25T16:25:47+00:00

Not necessarily. At his sisters? I can understand you wanting to bring his sister something, but a family member doesn’t need to be brought a gift every time you go over, unless it’s a special occasion.

Ditto for cleaning up. I’m sorry but I hate when people try to help clean up. Last time someone offered after a party and I said no no, it’s okay. They insisted.

I ended up with disposable plates in my sink and finding non-disposable items in the trash. Cleaning up after their “clean up” was more work than my cleaning up alone. His sister might feel the same way.

If he doesn’t clean up at home or when he’s with you, that’s different tho

PessimisticAna · 2021-11-25T15:08:51+00:00

He's just displayed how he will treat you if you two move in/get married.

I'd say if you really like him talk to him about it, if he changes his behaviour then that's good. But men like that typically don't see an issue in not helping.

lolmemberberries · 2021-11-25T15:11:38+00:00

Not bringing gifts is fine, but he should've made the offer to help her clean instead of having you do so. You were his guest as well as hers.

Austenma · 2021-11-25T17:10:46+00:00

So this guy thinks that showing up is "enough" effort but it is not. This is a red flag. Not bringing wine or something shows low effort and lack of consideration.

Think about how much more inspired you'd be if you had seen him help his sister and contribute to the meal. You wouldn't be wondering and feeling doubtful about him as a partner. You would just feel good and keep on with your day.

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justanothergirl4278 · 2021-11-26T17:26:28+00:00

I think it shows a level of self-centeredness and entitlement that I don't want in a partner. It also shows the type of person he is to not think about others, and in this case, his sister, someone I'm assuming he loves greatly.

So I do think it's a bit of a red flag that he treats people he 'loves' like that. It isn't necessarily horrible, but just very telling of the type of person he is and how little thought he gives to others. Don't see myself wanting a life partner like that.

Colour_riot · 2021-11-27T02:51:11+00:00

I think everyone's giving you the right answers but want to add on that this isn't the type of guy that would react well to being told the truth.

If you don't feel comfortable / you run in similar social circles, I would break up with him but just say that it was a lovely two months but you think you two are incompatible.

Sounds like the kind of guy who will begin a needless campaign to try and ruin your life if you call him out on his BS

reddit_is_real_bad · 2021-11-28T16:08:03+00:00

Honestly? You should dump him. He sounds like a scumbag

Title	Is this a red flag?
Author	poppinkitty
Upvotes	350
Comments	38
Date	November 25, 2021 8:12 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/r1roz5/is_this_a_red_flag/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/is-this-a-red-flag.1086644 https://theredarchive.com/post/1086644

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