A brief introduction, since I can’t be the only one who doesn’t easily connect user names and situations: I was married to a HVM, cancer can go f*ck itself, and I’m now a widow. Eventually, I may start dating again - if nothing else, then just for fun. Get to know people. See what dating is like after a decade of being away. I don’t feel any pressure to pair up again. I was choosy before, and knowing the best side of things had only made me more so.

With that being said, today I talked to a family friend who asked, not for the first time, how I’ve always been so lucky with the men I date. My relationship history isn’t as glorious as she imagines; I’ve made mistakes. I’ve stayed with the wrong people. For the most part, I’ve avoided major things, unlike her.

What’s my secret? Turmeric, and a dash of cinnamon.

No, no, that’s not really it!

My actual main method has served me well: demand the bare minimum, which is…

  • He has to be single. I don’t care if he’s only staying for the kids (lol; I can’t believe some women actually believe this. Level up, sisters!), or that his ex would be devastated if he left her (and she won’t be devastated if he cheats? Come on!) I’m not playing with “we’re effectively separate” and “we lead completely separate lives.” He has to be single, and over his previous relationship, too. His multiple year relationship ended just last week? His divorce was finalized three months ago? Congrats…and I’m not interested.

  • Unless he and his ex have kids together, there’s no reason for them to remain in close contact. Even then, there are limits. Everyone is going to Disneyworld for Timmy’s birthday, and staying in the same room to fulfill his fantasy of the family being together? Great! Go on with your bad self, but I’m not sticking around for this. (And let’s be real: I would never have stuck around this far because these situations tend to be riddled with red flags and poor boundaries.)

  • No cheaters, or even a hint thereof. I feel like this is the most basic of the basic requirements, but I’ve seen a lot of women repeatedly take back a cheater or lie to themselves. Not me. I get so much as a whiff, and I’m gone. Save the explanations for your scrote buddies who will try to convince you I’m unreasonable because it’s not like you had feeling for whoever you cheated with.

  • Pressure me for sex and find yourself out the door. I define pressure as whining, cajoling, and/or outright asking before I’m ready - and especially if he persists after I tell him we don’t know each other well enough.

I have other expectations, of course, but the list above is the very minimum. I see so many women who make excuses when a man can’t/won’t do the above, and I’m like, “Why?” Why are you sticking around? It doesn’t get any better if he can’t even do these basic things.

What about you? What are your most basic requirements?