Thoughts on BF breaking the "porn" boundary?

Adawritesrules · 2020-09-03T01:55:29+00:00

Trust me, even if he stopped all of it right not and became the best partner ever (And he won’t, trust me he won’t), you will likely always remember this deep pain and beach of trust and always wonder, never loose the dark shadow over your head.

This man is not worth it. This is the kind of man you don’t date, even if he was the last man on earth.

Been there, done that, not worth it. Not by a long shot. I promise you.

Verysoftbun · 2020-09-03T02:00:17+00:00

Even if I was ok with porn use porn use during work, even if they work from home, is a Hard No for me.

I believe one of the definitions of porn addiction is using it at work, the implication being you can't properly segment your life because you're addicted.

rosemarie2020 · 2020-09-03T03:46:17+00:00

I think you should be commended for having set such a boundary in the first place. Too many of us haven't, and it's only enabled men and helped normalize their behavior. If we all made this a non-negotiable, these men would be alone and face some real consequences for their behavior.

Mysterious_Midnight7 · 2020-09-03T02:12:34+00:00

Queen, welcome home. You are absolutely not unreasonable or crazy at all and it sounds like you know you are right to enforce your standards.

GIfuckingJane · 2020-09-03T02:14:53+00:00

1) Read the handbook

2) Enforce boundaries ruthlessly

3) Maybe take some time off dating and rebuild a life without a man until that feels normal

AyemHerself · 2020-09-03T02:32:43+00:00

This is addict behavior. Are you prepared to tie yourself to an addict who may or may not be ready to stop?

Even if he does quit, recovery is not linear. He WILL have relapses.

rosemarie2020 · 2020-09-03T02:38:11+00:00

How is he getting away with watching porn at work?

This man has no respect for you as an individual, no respect for women as a group, no respect for his employer. No regard for your feelings.

You can do better than this abysmal treatment.

chateauduchat · 2020-09-03T03:55:50+00:00

He lies = 🚩 He watches porn = 🚩 He lies about watching porn = 🚩

3 strikes and you’re out! Kick his ass to the curb sis!

dntbfllikeidid · 2020-09-03T03:36:39+00:00

He’s NEVER going to stop, periodt! Guys who are obsessed with porn just find better ways to lie about it. You have 2 alternatives: a) accept that your bf is porn sick scrote like most men; b) leave him.

Edit: extra words

LadyGrimes · 2020-09-03T04:14:49+00:00

Please leave him hon, pornsick men are the worst and you're better off.

Applegooglepear · 2020-09-03T02:08:52+00:00

If it is a non negotiable then he is not your bf.

A porn addict isn't going to choose you over porn, hell he probably doesn't even view you as a woman.

I would quickly Discard his ass into the fire..and walk away without looking back.

Icchy24 · 2020-09-03T02:12:12+00:00

You already established porn is infidelity.

He watches porn = he's cheating.

I made the mistake of forgiving not one..but two men of their porn use. They are both my exes now.

He's already breached your trust. Leave him

kpatter2387 · 2020-09-03T13:45:29+00:00

Listen girl... I ended a 4 year relationship over exactly what you just described. I was 29 at the time and it was the hardest decision of my life. Like you, we had set boundaries in our relationship over porn. Something always felt “off” between us— lack of affection, our sex life felt somewhat disconnected. But I knew nothing about porn addiction so I didn’t put two and two together. Come to find out he was an addict and was hiding and lying about this our entire relationship. He promised he would stop, we tried therapy, everything. But I just couldn’t trust him anymore. I also joined some forums on women who were married to porn addicts and 100% of them always said if they could marry their spouse over again, knowing what they know now, they would not. This was what it took for me to walk away. He clearly is addicted, and you will have a long road ahead of you if you decide to commit to him for life. I know this will be one of the hardest decisions you will have to make, but do it sis. I promise you that you will be okay and find a man that doesn’t have this problem.

ModernDayOracle · 2020-09-03T05:57:24+00:00

Porn at work? Jesus jumping Christ, break up with this train wreck.

OrchidLion · 2020-09-03T15:51:41+00:00

Once someone breaks your boundary you leave.

You don't wait around giving them chances and hoping they'll adhere to the boundary this time.

Why would they? They broke it the first time and nothing bad happened. You tolerated it and forgave them. So why the fuck would they change?

When someone breaks your boundary you leave.

LevelTurbulent · 2020-09-03T18:03:57+00:00

He's even watching it at work. He's a porn addict. This will not get better, it will get much, much worse. Get out now. They don't get better as they age, they escalate.

IntrepidStorage · 2020-09-03T05:33:35+00:00

Disregarding the porn question, he lied to you. For 5 years straight, swearing up and down on his parents' graves. What else is he lying about that you haven't discovered yet?

You will never trust him again with anything, and that is exactly as it should be.

Summerisle7 · 2020-09-03T05:53:56+00:00

Yes you’re being very unreasonable and crazy. You should happily sit by while he gets fired from work for constantly masturbating on the clock to images of exploited women. Work harder to make up for the lost income! Be patient and understanding when he can’t get it up to have sex with you anymore, after all sex isn’t everything and men have needs. /s

neonfairylights · 2020-09-03T06:13:09+00:00

Porn use during work... Yeah that's gross. He's a LVM

Capable_Okra · 2020-09-03T18:52:29+00:00

The biggest red flag here for me is that he was LYING to you. I dated a liar for 4 years, I finally got him to go to therapy and even couples counseling. I thought things were getting better and we were about to get engaged... And then I found out he had still been lying to me that whole time. He was even lying that "things were getting better." My advice to you is to end things. Liars lie because they feel JUSTIFIED doing so. Think about it, we are all taught lying is bad in kindergarten. So these people have to really jump through some mental hoops to deal with the cognitive dissonance, and you will always be to blame in his mind. They will always have some rationale that makes it OK to lie. My ex always told me why I was to blame for his lies. You can't teach a grown adult the difference between right and wrong, you can't convince him that he should change his behavior because he hurt you.

chasingxxsanity · 2020-09-03T11:25:18+00:00

Why are you negotiating a "non-negotiable hard boundary".

ksksjsuq · 2020-09-03T04:22:32+00:00

Is no one going to point out the red flag of 5 years in a forever girlfriend situation?

Hahane · 2020-09-03T10:15:38+00:00

Maybe there are another issues making him a bad partner, that you don't wanna see? You say that except the porn thing he's amazing. I kind of doubt it because I myself thought that there was only a small issue in my relationship, but there were many, I just decided to ignore them out of fear from losing him.

willowgrowingroots · 2020-09-03T13:00:35+00:00

I so adore your strength to look at this matter straight in the eye and the fact you don’t gaslight yourself like men pushes us to do. After dumping the trashbag of a man, please remember that you have gone through major trauma that should be addressed. The website bloom for women have a nice online free course about this kind of sexual betrayal, and while it’s sort of pa-apologist (they don’t push for breaking up but focus on the healing) you can still get some good info there. If therapy is available for you, look out for a (woman) therapist who’s informed about porn addiction and its devastating consequences. Hugs

Aggressive_Birthday4 · 2020-09-03T16:29:31+00:00

You’re not unreasonable or crazy. This is your boundary, and he knew it and lied to your face SEVERAL TIMES. He doesn’t respect your feelings or your relationship, and I’m sorry that’s the case. You can do way better than this guy.

Speaking from a two year relationship with an ex who did the same (except he watched it secretly on his phone while we were hanging out) after I told him I considered porn was cheating. He ended it over a text and looking back, he did me a favor and did what I couldn’t.

SeaNegotiation8 · 2020-09-03T07:31:26+00:00

Kick him to the curb, sis. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

He hasn’t even admitted that he has an addiction. There’s really nothing either of you can do until he’s admitted he has a problem.

And if he’s addicted to infidelity...well, that’s just fundamentally incompatible with a healthy relationship.

Masturbating at work...Jesus fucking Christ I hope he gets fired.

rosemarie2020 · 2020-09-07T03:45:13+00:00

He knows that to you porn is cheating and he does it and lies about it. I think for me it would be different if he had a problem with his own behavior and on his own had signed himself up for help with his addiction. I don’t think he cares. I think he thinks porn is normal and has no problem lying because he feels it’s no big deal. He doesn’t care how you feel. He doesn’t care how you feel. HE DOESNT CARE HOW YOU FEEL. My problem is not the porn in this situation, i think the dealbreaker is that he doesn’t care about your feelings and chooses to lie to make you shut up. But he knows you feel it is cheating and is doing it and lying the way cheaters do. I feel you cannot move forward with this man because there would be no way to trust him. I also do not think it is unreasonable to expect him to not watch porn. I had a bf do this 10 years ago and I was devastated. Since I just assumed it was normal for all men. But I remember that burn. I wish instead of deciding it was normal and I needed to settle that I had seen it accurately as him being a LVM. I will say in this situation it seems like you knowingly entered a relationship with porn and have been trying to make him change. This will never work. You cannot change a LVM. I’m not sure if you are part of this sub or just doing like a guest post but hoping a LVM to change is something that we have all even through and has never happened in the history of man kind. It’s been a few days since your post. How are you?

Title	Thoughts on BF breaking the "porn" boundary?
Author	rosemarie2020
Upvotes	74
Comments	86
Date	September 3, 2020 12:57 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/iljlmy/thoughts_on_bf_breaking_the_porn_boundary/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/thoughts-on-bf-breaking-the-porn-boundary.205593 https://theredarchive.com/post/205593

Comments