Why women must appear vulnerable?

MadamLeFay · 2020-11-07T14:03:47+00:00

I used to be "soft & smiley" and got screwed over, taken advantage of and treated like a performing circus seal. I'm blunt and edgy now and much happier. This is me and if they don't like it, fuck 'em- I'm not a happy go lucky golden retriever for crying out loud.

Bovvsette · 2020-11-07T13:58:44+00:00

Good point. Yes, it's bullshit. I match men's energy now and it keeps all the narcs and energy vampires at bay. Why the fuck would I give them a smile and act soft? Miss me with that.

RiasXgremoryX · 2020-11-07T14:17:36+00:00

That woman gave you awful advice, pretending to be someone you're not isn't going to work out in the end because eventually you'll get tired/frustrated of being the "chill, always happy" girlfriend, and whoever you're dating will see through that too.

Secondly, her advice ties into the incredibly sexist way of thinking that men have about women, for example if a woman has any emotion other than happy, she is "crazy," "causing drama", being difficult or aggressive etc.

Women are human beings above all else and we are allowed to have other emotions and express ourselves however we want. The thinking that women are supposed to have one default emotion just to accommodate men is misogynistic and your emotions are 100% valid and the right person wont want you to act "soft and submissive" all the time.

creamtart_ · 2020-11-07T13:57:35+00:00

Nah sis, she was telling you to be a PickMe. If a man is unable to appreciate you being your authentic self, then he does not deserve you. If a woman is telling you to be more pleasing for a man, then she’s part of the problem too.

321tina321 · 2020-11-07T14:58:51+00:00

Soft and smiley is how they mentally manipulate you into doing all the emotional labor and everything else. It's not a secret.. Femininity requires you to be clueless in excess. People who adhere to gender absolutes are so supremely unattractive to me. I would rather be in no relationship at all for years or forever even than waiting/hoping to be snatched up. Especially by someone who thinks that way crinnnge You will never evolve much or become bold if you sit in lukewarm water all your life because it looks right. Might as well live In a jello mold. That is so tedious to me. God i hope you tell her off. She sounds like a myopic puritan.

OutlandishnessTiny14 · 2020-11-07T15:16:35+00:00

You’re right, it’s totally archaic by appealing to age-old gendered stereotypes about how women should appear and behave. It’s so contrived and basically teaches women to suppress themselves and curate a mirage that will appease men.

I can sympathise a lot. I’m in my thirties now and take no crap, but there was a time in my teens/early 20s where I self monitored and censored to the extent of developing extreme anxiety about saying or doing anything that would give anyone, but mostly men, the impression that I was anything other than “nice”, inoffensive and shy.

I learned quite quickly though how my shy demeanour attracted the type of guy who thought he could leverage it to his advantage. Thankfully I always saw through it and they were in shock when they were kicked to the kerb in short shrift. That’s when I realised my strength to weed out LVMs, even if I couldn’t clearly articulate it at the time.

Fionaglenannebf · 2020-11-07T15:18:23+00:00

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NotSoBunny · 2020-11-07T16:26:30+00:00

I never understood people to push women to constantly smile. It looks psychotic to always smile. I don't need help looking psychotic, it comes naturally. And the whole "snatching" comment. Gross. So gross. Like any man can just walk up and put a woman under his armpit and walk off and she should be so happy about it. No thanks, people with that sort advice will meet dead ears.

smartierthanthou · 2020-11-07T16:26:48+00:00

I don't think you should orient your emotional state around men at all.

That being said, if you are interested in dating men, having a warm and receptive vibe is more successful in my experience. Both LVM and HVM want to "earn" a HVW's time and attention. Honestly, if you're leveled up and living a wonderful life, it's really natural to feel happy and good natured, it's healthy. It's also more strategic and gives you a broader range of experiences to really flesh out the character of the person you're interacting with. Catching flies with honey instead of vinegar, so to speak.

Southern charm is an example I would give, although that doesn't have to feel authentic to you, of course. I've never seen anything quite like a confident Southern woman handling men.

I wouldn't do this if you're still feeling drained and empty from performative femininity and crappy relationships, though. Rest, nurture, process stuff, and really figure out if you're ready for a relationship, or what a desirable one would look like to you.

There's a huge difference between actually feeling happy and in control of your life and desires, and feeling pressure or anticipating rejection, from men or women, if you don't perform that way. That's a load of sexist crap, I personally don't bother with.

The real trick is having really good boundaries inside yourself. A silly man bringing less than his A+ game to court you is just a humorous story you can laugh at and tell stories about to your girlfriends, nothing to be upset about. Just being able to say, "I'm not used to being treated like that." to a guy who's stepped out of line brings bad behavior right to the point where it can be resolved and moved on from.

Alternatively, having your own life, home, time, financial security, skills, and relationships means you are truly independent and get to just focus your energy on the authentic enjoyment of your life. That's a very pleasurable place to be in that, I think, gives you an extra sparkle that men find very attractive.

I like the concept of a velvet hammer. It's just as strong and functional as a regular hammer, but much more comfortable to be close to and hold. The important thing is the steel that it is made of, but velvet is beautiful, warm and comfortable to hold.

2020-11-07T20:44:20+00:00

You know what, this reminds me of a guy that was attracted but never seemed to be over the fact that I'm a human with flaws, so he got all gassed about my personality and became wishy-washy. We went out on a "walk" date and he later texted "look, you mad attractive, but i just don't want hear about your problems all day. women should be easygoing and natural, and your vibe is off. still, your hot and smart so good luck!"

He ghosted me for 3 months then came back and started talking again. We went out for drinks again, but he was uncomfortably touchy. Then he started confessing his love(?) to me out of nowhere and inviting me over "to chill" cause he realized he's in love. I didn't take the bait.

We knew each other for 2 months and he was deployed with the military. Later, I found out he already had a girlfriend that he swore he broke up with because "she's a bitch", I found her FB and they still had pics together up to date from trips. He also had another profile under a different name that he used to speak to women he met on deployment. Then I found out he has a weird Electra complex towards his (young) mother because all his fav movies were somewhat about "MILFS" or incest.

Fionaglenannebf · 2020-11-07T15:17:10+00:00

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MrsValentine · 2020-11-07T15:27:46+00:00

Actually I agree with her. It's not particularly shocking that people who are smiley and friendly are more likely to attract both platonic and romantic attention than someone who looks angry, abrasive or moody. Aggression is literally designed to ward people off. Cursing in public also gives people a poor impression of you, I have to be honest and say that if I heard someone effing and blinding loudly in public I would form the impression that they had bad manners and were pretty classless.

If you don't feel like acting friendly and happy then there's absolutely no need for you to feign it. But be careful not to end up playing the emotional version of "I'm not like the other girls". ALL your emotions are valid, meaning that if you do feel happy then you shouldn't feel unable to express that and smile because "men want me to smile!" so I must walk around with a deliberate RBF to stick it to the patriarchy. Also, smiley people are not necessarily gullible. The same way as having RBF doesn't make you less likely to be taken advantage of by LVM. There is absolutely 0 correlation between being gracious and being a pushover.

For me, being a HVW involves embodying the standards I expect from other people. If I saw a guy at the coffee shop who looked moody af, sour faced, angry and he was audibly using foul language I would NOT be looking at him like "wow what a HVM 😍". So, I'm not going to be that person myself either. Again, I'm just being honest here although I know it's going against the grain.

Geocities_SEO_Expert · 2020-11-07T16:10:26+00:00

I had a happy and friendly attitude in my 20's, all it did was attract a POS who liked to disappoint me as much as possible.

werker115 · 2020-11-07T16:25:11+00:00

I am not a smiley person, and I won’t pretend to be for anyone. But another thing, is I do have a ‘sweet/shy demeanor’ when you first talk to me, and that has led men to think I am younger and more naive than I actually am. Those guys tend to be idiots. I don’t want a man afraid of my true voice and energy.

The man who played me the worst is the one who had the ‘sweetest’ impression of me. The ones I was my true savage self with, never played me and never called me sweet.

prizebeansprout · 2020-11-07T16:56:45+00:00

When I started at my workplace as a timid 20 year old temp 15 years ago, I remember being accosted in the lift by this older woman who told me in no uncertain terms that I needed to "smile more", as I was too sad looking apparently and that would get me nowhere, jobs wise.

I now greatly out-earn her in a different, technical department and see her round the building looking a million times more morose than I ever did. I doubt she remembers me - but I took on her "advice" by covering myself in tattoos and making myself even less approachable. Old pickme advice would be laughable if it wasn't so dangerous, boy I am glad I am in a workplace that hires based on skill and not "smileyness".

Saitschik · 2020-11-07T16:53:42+00:00

Just be yourself, that's all you have to do

Mimosa_usagi · 2020-11-07T15:54:32+00:00

I used to be naturally a happy person who was kind and soft. And you know what that attracted. Predators that were abusive and used me and sucked that right out of me. I'm no longer like that at all. I can't remember the last time I smiled for real. What she was really telling you is that women must appear to make good victims.

Cel_Gabe · 2020-11-07T21:06:38+00:00

Wowowowowow!

This is my experience exactly. Whenever I am firm on what I expect and don't expect, suddenly I'm the hard/harsh one.

I'm tired of it.

2020-11-07T21:22:19+00:00

was always smiley and so happy and was immediately pretty much snatched up

People in general like happy people. Unfortunately for women, we attract all kinds of men.

So it’s OK to be happy and nice and whatnot, it’s just that some men ruin it.

-badmadAM · 2020-11-07T20:01:41+00:00

In the end it often does not end well for those smiley- soft girls, too nice and vulnerable can lead you down the same paths like those women who you see on certain relationship advise subs or on breaking mom.

Stand up for yourself and be real, this doesn't mean that you are or have to be a horrible person, contrary to what some people might want to make you believe.

Title	Why women must appear vulnerable?
Author	Fionaglenannebf
Upvotes	130
Comments	58
Date	November 7, 2020 1:46 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/jpr2z6/why_women_must_appear_vulnerable/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/why-women-must-appear-vulnerable.324802 https://theredarchive.com/post/324802

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