Would moving in together be a bad idea?

KetoKittenAround · 2020-08-20T20:06:06+00:00

I am going to be tough.

You have only been together 6 months. You have no real idea if he is truly HVM or not at this point.

If his love language is quality time then let him make the sacrifices needed to speak his own love language to you. Let him show how much he cares and values you. You should not be worrying about this mans finances or how to make it easy to love you.

Because that’s what I’m reading here. I’m reading a post from a woman who wants to accommodate a man to make it easier for him to do the things he needs to do at this stage of the relationship.

You already are considering changing your boundaries... you already are ready to perhaps bring chaos into your child’s life... to make it easier for this man to maybe love you.

Hard no sis. The pleasure of doing things for you and being with you should be ALL HIS. A HVM would never even consider moving in with a woman so early in the game. I am frankly dubious of him, and I think you need to read the handbook again. You sound very sweet, but I can sense you have more pick me type thoughts and you really need to sort that out. For you and your child.

sstena · 2020-08-20T20:10:14+00:00

Sis, no. You said it yourself: you've lived together with men before and the relationship didn't work out.

Only seeing him on weekends won't cut it for him so you want to be sensitive to that? Girl you are spelling it out for yourself. He wants the milk for free and not having the milk for free won't cut it for him so you are going to give it without expecting him to buy the cow.

He might be a great guy but you're already considering moving in after just 6 months, you have a son that will be affected by this but what makes you lean to letting that guy move in is that the guy's love language is quality time?

I don't like it. I don't think you're looking out for yourself and your child.

No need to dump him, but there is a huge need here for you to set boundaries and stick to them. Do you think he will leave you if you don't let him spend so much time at your place and don't let him move in?

oldncranky1982 · 2020-08-20T20:13:51+00:00

If he wants more time then he can move his butt to his own place in your city and get another job. You should not be bringing this man into your home. You don't know him that well.

Summerisle7 · 2020-08-20T20:03:12+00:00

I actually do agree with this:

> I just think there’s a huge difference between moving in together with a lifelong commitment made at the outset rather than moving in with the typical “try before you buy” mentality.

But that being said - 6 months is probably too early. Especially when you'd be moving this guy into the home where your child lives.

If you're not ready to be engaged and married, you're not ready to live together.

_Atalanta_ · 2020-08-20T20:18:52+00:00

It sounds like you already know that this will turn into a ‘forever’ situation without solid commitment. From everything I have seen, once they have you in a wife role there is just no need to bother with more commitment. Like another commentator mentioned and ‘The Rules’ books say, it shouldn’t actually BE easy to date you, in order to weed out those men who are just looking for an easy ride..

IntrepidStorage · 2020-08-20T20:23:50+00:00

You already know it would be a bad idea. If he wants to move in, he can get down on one knee first and then you can plan the relocation along with the wedding and its inherent legal rights and protections.

Remind me why he isn't finding a closer job and closer apartment, anyway? Why should you be the one making all the changes for him? Come to think of it, why isn't there already a plan to "close the gap" if it's as serious as you think it is?

vmuzondi · 2020-08-20T20:47:24+00:00

I’m sorry but I think you’re too afraid of losing him. If he is truly a HVM, he won’t pressure you into moving in so quickly. It’s only been 6 months. He could be love bombing or future faking. Either way, I advise you to be selfish and think of you and your son’s needs. This man has only been in your life for 6 months. Treat him as such. Don’t give up your freedom to possibly keep and marry this man.

tellmesomething11 · 2020-08-20T21:12:23+00:00

I think you’re being fearful and I’m not sure why. If he is only free to see you on the weekends, what’s the big deal? Y’all aren’t married and are busy with your own lives. You don’t feel comfortable cohabitating with him and you have a child to think about. On top of all this, it’s literally been 6 months. You think it’s too soon to consider marriage but still are thinking about playing house with your kid? Yeesh.

He knows what he got into when he met you. He knew about the distance and your commitment to stay in the area, (even if he found that out later he still knows and has stayed with you) I think it’s important to move slowly in a relationship. Moving in with someone is serious and you know how it played out before. You don’t want to make the same mistake but back then I’m pretty sure you thought you were doing the right thing and it turned to shit.

Try to not let your heart change your selected pace. You have your standards and you know what you really want. You can’t be concerned about him tiring himself out from traveling or losing gas money or none of that. Y’all should be together longer before considering moving in together. Honestly I believe that y’all should be married before you do so, esp because there is a child involved. But FDS doesn’t think it’s necessary for a man to move in with you. Not a boyfriend, nope.

YarikEnterprise · 2020-08-20T23:12:12+00:00

At six months in he should be at the meeting your child for the first time stage, not the staying with you 95% of the time stage with you considering moving him in. That's not cool.

miss_throwaway2341 · 2020-08-20T21:10:09+00:00

I think it can be very detrimental when you move in after 6 months. I would not do it

paperbagskirt · 2020-08-20T20:47:22+00:00

Nope, nope, nope. 6 months is way too early to declare him a nvm let alone consider living with him. The fact that he stays over every night and drives 90 minutes to work seems suspect. Jealous, insecure, needy maybe. Keep your eyes peeled.

dntbfllikeidid · 2020-08-20T20:21:07+00:00

If you have to ask, deep inside you already have your answer. You’ll be the wife, maid, secretary, cook and bangmaid without even a ring. Hard pass!

purasangria · 2020-08-20T23:37:23+00:00

Do not move in with a man unless you have a ring and a date set for the wedding. Period.

You have a responsibility to provide a stable home for your kid, don't invite someone in who you've known for a mere 6 months.

randomgirlimok · 2020-08-21T02:33:15+00:00

Having boyfriends moving in and out isn’t a good experience for your kid.

Edit- and only 6 months?? I wouldn’t even trust him alone with your kid yet and you want to move in together? Big no.

FDSxMuffinVSrat · 2020-08-21T06:03:11+00:00

Imo tell him to move to a place closer to yours.

he's already willing to move. Why does it have to be into your house?
it's not just up to you to compromise.
you already know you don't want him there - you may like him, but allowing him to move in comprises your values and priorities. If he clashes with your values, is he really for you?

"I love spending time with you, but I'm not moving in with a man unless we're married. I don't want someone so cemented in my kids lives unless we intend for it to be permanent. We'll have to keep things as they are. Alternatively, you could find a place closer to here to make seeing each other more convenient."

If he's willing to move but only into your place that feels to me like he's using you. Don't let that happen.

divination__ · 2020-08-20T21:27:01+00:00

If he loves you, if he is committed to you, if quality time really is that important to him, he will put up with it. And then he will commit to you. Do not make decisions out of fear of losing him – if he doesn't want to be with you because you are not ready to move in without commitment first, then that's less of a loss then moving in, feeling unappreciated, having a relationship break down and dealing with the aftermath of your hurt and whatever affect that has on your child. Absolutely do not move in together, especially not at the six month mark, you know this in your heart of hearts.

huna-lildahk · 2020-08-20T22:01:12+00:00

QUALITY TIME doesn’t mean “More time”. It’s about the time you have when you’re together. It’s too soon to move in together. Why can’t he move closer to you? Also, with children involved you need to be careful about involving a male figure into your home on a full time basis. My mother would do this to me and my sisters all the time and it always ended terribly for all of us.

xdecadent · 2020-08-21T08:36:56+00:00

Stop letting this man live with you and your child.

Dating for 6 months!! That’s it?! And you have him living with you and your kid. Think about what you just wrote here.

2020-08-22T00:54:22+00:00

If you told yourself you would never do something then you need to stick to that. End of story. If it doesn’t workout you will be livid with yourself. I have nothing personally against living with someone before marriage but this is a huge no because it is a personal boundary you set for yourself and are considering breaking

Pasdepromesses · 2020-08-20T20:57:14+00:00

I would say don’t do it.

The only way I would do this would be if he didn’t ask me rent so I could save up for myself. Don’t be a bag maid tho and don’t give up on your job.

When things go tits up, you can go away and have saves a lot.

Title	Would moving in together be a bad idea?
Author	olivetreeofeden
Upvotes	28
Comments	41
Date	August 20, 2020 7:57 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/idhl6q/would_moving_in_together_be_a_bad_idea/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/would-moving-in-together-be-a-bad-idea.167515 https://theredarchive.com/post/167515

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