Child support question: would really appreciate a male perspective

imironman · 2012-03-20T23:56:04+00:00

If you are being honest about everything in your post; the baby was actually planned (by him as well, not just you) and you actually do pay for all of her clothes and medical needs, then yeah 50/week is ~200 a month or so. Depending on your living costs, it's probably entirely reasonable to ask for more even.

Having said that, if he's being honest and he's actually having trouble making ends meet, asking for more probably won't accomplish much. He can't give you what he doesn't have.

What are your expenses like?

HolyCounsel · 2012-03-21T00:55:09+00:00

You are being extremely reasonable and fair-minded. It looks like you are the one who is paying more than your share if he is not chipping in anything beyond babysitting costs.

I also like that you made the emotionally difficult but rational distinction between his actions as a boyfriend and as a father. Kudos!

scpg02 · 2012-03-21T06:29:21+00:00

my guess as a woman is that the current girlfriend was ...griping... about the money he was giving you. Just a guess.

Elguybrush · 2012-03-21T00:32:23+00:00

Honestly, That sounds completely reasonable. Frankly, when I read that I thought (only $50?)

Honestly, you sound very sensible and are the antithesis to the kind of women that lead men to join here. Thanks for being a good human being!

As to your post, he really should be doing more, it's his daughter for chrissakes. It doesn't sound like you have a strained relationship, so I'd say lots and lots of communication is the key here.

spriggig · 2012-03-21T13:13:07+00:00

My ex has legal primary custody of our son, but in reality I have had him almost exclusively since the break up. I still pay her the $300/month both because I legally owe it and because if I didn't either by going to court or simply getting her to agree not to take it, the entire situation would get worse for everyone.

VoodooIdol · 2012-03-21T00:28:54+00:00

IF that's all it's costing you $35 per week is half, and that would be fair.

ENTP · 2012-03-21T04:31:15+00:00

In your situation, where it seems you have joint custody, I would say that paying for half of the tabulated expenses would be reasonable.

luciansolaris · 2012-03-20T23:56:22+00:00

I wouldn't get the state involved, as they will take money from him without regards to his second family, which is still intact. It would be evil, in my opinion, to destroy that household because of a temporary issue.

If he doesn't pay up, see if he'll have the kid for more time (as feeding and clothing the kid will come from his pocket instead of yours).

Only if he refuses more time, and refuses to pay, and it isn't because of a circumstance that is beyond his control, should you seek something outside of the agreement.

You could royally screw him for a looooooooong time just because you're mad about a short period of lack of help. He has zero recourse. Try to act in a way that you would appreciate if you were him and he were you.

ADDENDUM: I re-read the last paragraph and wanted to add, you're an angel for not crucifying him. Bless you.

rlaptop7 · 2012-03-21T06:18:55+00:00

Don't take him for all he's worth, but a official, written down agreement would be in order and reasonable.

Be reasonable about it, Try to contain any anger. (legitimate or not), and things will work out for all.

Keep a cool head for you, for the child, and fore everybody else involved.

Good luck.

NiceGuysSTFU · 2012-03-21T15:38:52+00:00

It costs more than $200/MO to help raise a kid, and you know full and well that you have expenses beyond simply childcare and gas to-from HIS house. (Does he ever pick her up at your house or meet you halfway?) You've been extremely generous up to this point. My advice is to confront him directly about it. Obviously you are patient and understanding and take into consideration that he has a family and another child to support, but that doesn't mean your daughter or you should get shafted. If he says he's not able to pay you at least your previously agreed upon amount and keeps fucking you around with it, lawyer up and take his ass to court to get custody/support formalized. Don't keep his daughter from him if it comes to that, as you'll obviously want him to have a relationship with her and want things to be as amicable as possible considering the circumstances. Don't let him take advantage of your good nature, though.

Il128 · 2012-03-21T14:35:32+00:00

Get a lawyer, go straight to mediation and a legal child support agreement.

HughManatee · 2012-03-21T19:01:00+00:00

I don't think your request is unreasonable at all, personally. You should probably discuss this with him to see what's going on.

reaverdude · 2012-03-22T05:37:12+00:00

I wish you were my ex. Been going through family court hell for the last 5 years. Don't put your daughter through that.

Redebidet · 2012-03-22T23:15:15+00:00

It's nice that you don't want to disrupt his life with his new family and everything, but the fact that he has other expenses and obligations isn't really your problem. Maybe I'm wrong, but it seems to me that fairness is the central theme to this subreddit, and it is not fair for you to be shouldering more of the burden of child care than the other parent.

In my opinion, everything else is irrelevant. If he has other obligations or a life problem or something, sure, you can overlook him coming up short in the short term or something, but doing that is a favor, not an obligation. You both have equal responsibility for your daughter, and if one of you isn't pulling their weight, it's wrong. It doesn't matter if its you or him or outside forces causing it, at the end of the day you are both equally responsible.

The way you present your argument it makes it sound like you have had to push him to do his share, or argue with him about gas expenses, babysitter, etc., and quantify every little thing before he'll pitch in. To me that implies he might be bringing up all these reasons and excuses as to why he can't do his share. Just nip that shit in the bud and stop interacting so much with him over every little thing. He's on the hook for half of the responsibility, nothing else matters. You aren't with him anymore so you really don't need to be discussing things with him, or even need to know about other things in his day to day life.

I also think he is extremely stupid to not be doing the minimum you are asking (it really sounds like he should be doing even more to reach the fair 50% mark in childcare burden). Nine times out of ten the court system would be requiring a lot more out of him than you even want, and he's starting to force the issue.

It's really neat that you're trying so hard to be fair, and to keep your daughter out of the courts. That's really cool, but his not chipping in any child care aside from watching her and feeding her two days a week really doesn't cut it, he's taking you for a ride and you should do something.

rightsbot · 2012-03-20T22:56:17+00:00

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2012-03-21T05:28:38+00:00

Why couldn't I have married you instead? Groan.

AryoBarzan · 2012-03-21T08:36:38+00:00

If the story you say is 100% true (which is hard considering how biased people are in these matters), then you have got to be in the far far far upper echelon of single mothers in the world. Nothing you said sounds unreasonable.

CHICOandtheMAN · 2012-03-21T14:58:30+00:00

You are being reasonable, but if he is not, please don't get into a pissing contest over this. You will regret suing him more than you will regret the loss of the money. And it will almost certainly harm your daughter. He may come around on his own if you treat him with kindness, next month, next year, sometime. If he doesn't, then just pretend your expenses are babysitter $120, gas $20, and pretend that he pays his share and you are paying half!

corduroyblack · 2012-03-21T04:00:31+00:00

I am going to say some things that will probably be downvoted here.

By not demanding a greater amount of child support from your former partner, you are economically harming your child. The rationale behind CS is not to stick it to anyone. The point is to legally require parents to support their children and keep them out of poverty, out of crime, and on the road to successful life.

If you don't need any money to help raise your daughter, that is great for everyone involved. I doubt that is the case. Your former partner has a legal, moral and ethical responsibility to pay 50% of all costs related to that child. CS is merely our legal system's hamfisted way of forcing deadbeats to contribute.

Don't let the fearmongering of what long been a patriarchal system scare you away from doing everything necessary to provide for your child. If you former partner is refusing to support her, it is your duty to take him to court. You are not being unreasonably by doing so. Realistically, he may not be able to contribute much. Why not let a third-party decide? Are you truly going to blindly trust the well-being of your daughter to a man who doesn't care enough about her to not cheat on her mother?

Source for some these assertions - I am a family law attorney, with experience representing all kinds of parties in cases such as this.

InfallibleBiship · 2012-03-20T23:49:59+00:00

You are asking in the wrong place. There are a lot of men here who have had big problems in family court and/or with child support. This means this issue is a big trigger here, and you're likely to evoke anger - not at you, but triggers can cause people to vent.

That said, you should consult a lawyer to see what is considered reasonable and customary in your case, then negotiate a settlement, and get it in writing with input from your respective lawyers.

focusmyhead · 2012-03-21T06:04:48+00:00

take him to court and get court-mandated child support

MartialWay · 2012-03-21T00:18:35+00:00

My ex and I were together for 4 years when I got pregnant with my daughter (planned).

Planned by who?

This sounds extremely unlikely, men generally marry before they choose to have children.

Also, you haven't described his financial situation whatsoever, which is shady as well. If he has no current job, income or savings, he won't be able to give you money. He can't give you money that doesn't exist, and expecting such is always unreasonable.

Title	Child support question: would really appreciate a male perspective
Author	imironman
Upvotes	35
Comments	63
Date	March 20, 2012 10:56 PM UTC (14 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MensRights
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/MensRights/comments/r5tfo/child_support_question_would_really_appreciate_a/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MensRights/child-support-question-would-really-appreciate-a.1025563 https://theredarchive.com/post/1025563

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