Emotional availability

whitebunny87 · 2018-06-03T13:59:27+00:00

Nope. My husband is probably the least emotionally available man I've ever dated, and I'm pretty sure he likes me a lot.

I know he feels things, some men are just not good at or don't like expressing that. My husband's fine at showing the positive stuff and gladly tells me all about it when things are good in his life, but as soon as it gets tricky he walls right up.

I think it's partly to do with his waspy upbringing, where he was taught that men don't complain, men stay strong and positive, and they definitely don't lean on their woman when things are tough. I've heard him cry only once in the whole time I've known him, when his friend commit suicide, and even then he didn't know I was awake.

In contrast my ex was a BPD emotion volcano. He made sure I always knew exactly what was going on in his head. He used his feelz to justify being a lying cheater and kept me around because I was a good emotional tampon, so emotional availability isn't always a good thing.

Edit: just saw your comment where you define emotional availability as a willingness to commit. That's not how I'd define it, but using that then yeah how much he likes you has a lot to do with it. Also his age and general position in life.

wracky272 · 2018-06-03T15:06:22+00:00

Everybody wants guys to be more emotionally available (this includes the guy himself), but men are relentlessly punished for doing so. u/whitebunny87 has a prime example of the difference. Women don't really need to hear about all of your problems (this is called whining), but they want know enough to be sure that you like/trust them.

If I have actual emotional strife, there are other resources available to me: I have some support groups I frequent or I can go chat with my therapist. Men should be expected to address their emotional problems like they would any other problem-- it's fine to have issues, just take care of them.

Five_Decades · 2018-06-03T14:32:59+00:00

I think a man's level of genuine interest in a woman's life, personality and feelings is a better sign of how much he likes a woman.

If he is just out for sex he won't give a damn about that beyond a certain point.

songofmelancholy · 2018-06-03T15:16:27+00:00

i used to think so....now i don't think so.

as long as i understand that he 1) loves me, 2) expresses it in ways that matter to him, then he doesnt need to be 'available' in that way.

i think most women use the term "emotional available" to mean "why doesn't he share my love language????"

yasee · 2018-06-03T13:56:26+00:00

What do you mean by emotional availability? Like willingness to share feelings?

Raiil · 2018-06-03T14:05:16+00:00

In the most generic sense, no- I think we're all taught different ways to express it but most reasonably functioning humans are capable of it. Emotional availability isn't restricted to romantic/sexual partnerships. A good dad is emotionally available to his children, a good adult son is available to his mother, etc. It might be expressed differently, but it's there.

Emotional intimacy, I feel, is more likely to be tied to romantic/sexual attraction, and men are taught to rely more heavily on whoever is the main woman in their life- a mother, a gf/wife, a close family member or friend in their rough peer range. This goes further into exposing vulnerability, softness, or perceived weakness.

WolfgangBreitweit · 2018-06-03T15:16:34+00:00

Emotional availability? Lol. This crap has been coined by feminists back in the old days to tell men they have to pay attention to women whenever they want.

Mr_Smoogs · 2018-06-03T13:55:26+00:00

No, that is not the only factor

Willow-girl · 2018-06-03T14:42:00+00:00

WTF is "emotional availability"? GTFO with that squishy stuff.

Electra_Cute · 2018-06-03T15:08:51+00:00

Pope_Lucious · 2018-06-03T19:23:56+00:00

This framing is so female-centric.

“Emotional availability”

“Commitment-phobia”

Men do not process things like this.

pinkgoldrose · 2018-06-03T23:26:55+00:00

How emotionally available a man is towards a woman, at least in the sense of how positive, caring, attentive, patient he is towards her, is a function of how much hotter the woman is. Link: http://www.psypost.org/2010/04/happy-marriage-attractive-husband-562

Fabianstrategy1 · 2018-06-04T15:01:47+00:00

In my Blue Pill days I was definitely more open, willing to express affection, and talk about my feelings. Eventually I fell in love and married someone I thought I could share my "joys and fears" with. Subsequently my divorce and the 2 relationships after have taught me that this is basically exposing a weakness. Being 'emotionally available" as a man is akin to showing the other players your cards.

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Asterix88 · 2018-06-03T17:41:04+00:00

probably a factor of inexperience.

Workaholico · 2018-06-03T18:24:30+00:00

what do you mean by emotional availability?

rainisthelife · 2018-06-03T22:16:08+00:00

For me, emotional availability from a man means the ability to listen to my problems without offering unrequested solutions and/or making me feel bad about having those problems.

Indulge me in my desire to have long conversations and just talk about whatever. You might contribute much or you might contribute little, but the point is to just listen. And then when it’s over, hold me and let me know that you’ve heard without doing anything. That’s an emotionally available man to me. I think it’s a sign of commitment and holding your woman in value. The good boyfriends I’ve had, at least the ones that have left a good impression on me, have all done this.

Unconfidence · 2018-06-04T00:46:39+00:00

It's a factor. And by that I mean like a factor in an equation. If a person is normally emotionally distant, then even the strongest attachment and desire will only maximize that small amount. Conversely the most emotionally available person will become distant if put into a romantic situation with someone who doesn't inspire them romantically. If one factor is 0, the product is 0.

PhotosyntheticChad · 2018-06-03T14:57:59+00:00

I, and many men, see issues in a “problem -> solution” way.

This commitment to logical thinking often bypasses my emotional thinking completely - it’s not rational- getting to a solution is preferable than mulling over the problem.

Many women fail to recognise this, as for many women problems need to be discussed and often the solution isn’t even broached.

This can cause friction because the woman will wonder why the man isn’t being ‘emotionally available’.

Personally, anything that makes me feel inhibited will make me angry. This is especially true if my potential solution path is being road-blocked by incessant focusing on the problem. So, consequently this would make me appear ‘emotionally unavailable’ even though in reality I am dealing with things in my own way.

PumpkinspiceZeus69 · 2018-06-03T16:11:29+00:00

No I'm emotional availability is tied to really nothing, I view emotional availability as emotional vulnerability and definitely don't want to subject myself to any kind of vulnerability

[deleted] · 2018-06-03T15:27:04+00:00

Nope. Being emotional turns women off, we don't do it because we're shown that it's a bad thing to do.

crackrocksteady7 · 2018-06-03T16:19:25+00:00

It's a factor of how much of a bitch he is

Title	Emotional availability
Author	Mr_Smoogs
Upvotes	11
Comments	164
Date	June 3, 2018 1:46 PM UTC (8 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/8o8mjs/emotional_availability/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/emotional-availability.262097 https://theredarchive.com/post/262097

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