Standards

mcconnelldemasi · 2015-05-21T21:14:02+00:00

I don't know what my standards are. If I like a guy then I like him. If I don't then I don't. I don't see a trend of any particular characteristic or two within my ex-boyfriends. So my dating approach is holistic. All I really need is the tingles which doesn't happen often and thankfully doesn't get turned on by "bad boys".

embracingwomanhood · 2015-05-21T21:41:20+00:00

I don't do one night stands or FWB. LTR and marriage standards are the same, as my end goal of an LTR is marriage.
I think I have pretty average standards, might be a little conservative though.
I have some non-negotiables and some negotiables.

For the record, my standards are:

Gainfully employed and financially independent (sharing expenses with a roommate is okay).
Doesn't have a history of messy break ups. 7 angry women from their past is a red flag for me, most guys I pursue have less than 3-5 serious relationships in their history, and one to none of them were horrific break ups. Non-negotiable.
Doesn't have or want children. Non-negotiable.
Does not drink or use drugs on a more than very occasional basis, and is okay with abstaining entirely at home. Non-negotiable.
Is sexually adventurous within a relationship. Negotiable. I have dated a virgin and it turned out fine, just depends on their mindset. Related is: prioritizes sex within a relationship. I need 3-4x a week absolute bare minimum, a low libido partner would eat at me. Frequency is non-negotiable.
Is not affiliated with any religion. Non-negotiable.
Is not overweight. Non-negotiable.
Is seeking a monogamous long term relationship with potential for marriage. Non-negotiable.
Is okay with me assuming a traditionally feminine role. Non-negotiable. I'm not attracted to men who think gender roles are outdated. I like cooking, cleaning, care taking, makeup, and pretty things, it turns me off when guys don't appreciate it because "patriarchy" makes them feel guilty.

The rest is down to chemistry. My two serious relationships have been with very, very different men. I appreciate kindness and courtesy, assertiveness and strong sense of self, thoughtfulness, generally positive perspective, eagerness to learn and teach, outdoorsy types, people who understand that sometimes I don't have anything to say and are cool with comfortable silence, generally intelligent but not full of himself, a perfect mix of confidence and humility. Ultimately it just comes down to "would I enjoy being married to this person?"

PetticoatRuled · 2015-05-22T00:20:27+00:00

Must:

Be very cute (yes, I'm shallow like that)
Have a nice body
Love sex and preferably wants it everyday
Like doing stuff outdoors
Like discussing all the shit i like to talk about
is a genuinely nice person who cares about people
like children and would make a great dad
prioritizes family over career
is intelligent
like sci fi
is creative in some way
no rage tantrums
is not violent

Negotiable:

Height (I find a lot of short guys very attractive. Have never been out with one though. I'm on the short side myself)
Hair length (I prefer long hair on guys)
Tattoos on face/neck or too many. I won't say 'never' but it's a turn off.

Must not:

Have a list of sexual demands (big turn off)
be egotistical
be a player or have been a player
be dominant with me
be submissive with me
have rage tantrums
be violent

My standards are solid. Not sure if I'd proceed on an 8/9, depending - just one thing could blow it for me. No idea whether my standards are high or low.

fzed1199 · 2015-05-21T18:41:47+00:00

Apparently I am the scum of the earth and shallow by my standards for a ltr.

No:

tattoos
dyed hair
buzz or politically driven hair cuts
piercings outside the earlobes
smoking
prior hook up for fwb relationships
obesity
coal burning

Edit changed non smoke to smoking.

TheChemist158 · 2015-05-21T18:19:32+00:00

How/Are the standards different at different levels (ONS, FWB, LTR, Marriage?)

They aren't really. I don't do casual sex, so FWB and ONS standards are null. I'be never felt motivated to date casually either. My standards for LTRs and marriage are the same.

Are your standards solid or permeable? (If you list 10 things and someone hits 8-9, would you proceed?)

I don't really have a list of things that I need, but I do have some deal breakers. I wouldn't say that there is absolutely no way I'd guy who has a deal breaker, but it'd be a hell of a thing to overcome. So I guess you could twist it around to say I have a list of standards that are pretty solid. I'd never date a guy who has a history of violence, for example. I could also draw up a list of thing that I do want in a guy, but that would be a lot more flexible (such a a job in science).

Do you consider your standards high or low compared to others?

I guess mine are fairly high. More precise really. It's not hard to meet them, but there's a fair bit of things that I look for. I'm pretty happy being single, so my baseline is pretty high. A guy has to actually add to me life and my life is pretty awesome without one.

alush · 2015-05-21T21:39:52+00:00

n/a. I don't do ONS/FWB and I don't plan on getting married
I have a couple hard and fast rules. I have a chronic health condition. if it seems like they can't or don't want to take on that burden, there's no point in going further. I also need someone of a similar or higher intelligence, which can be difficult to find. we also must be compatible sexually, which means same/similar kinks and a high libido
fairly low standards physically, fairly high standards character/personality wise

cxj · 2015-05-21T22:40:17+00:00

ONS/FWB: 7+ looks, no diseases, DTF

LTR: the above, plus does what I want in the bedroom (swallowing, facials, anal), single digit p count (somewhat negotiable if other factors are great), not retarded, chill to hang out with, no or low debt, emotionally/mentally stable, no political/religious extremes in any direction (possibly negotiable too).

SirNemesis · 2015-05-21T23:12:54+00:00

What are your standards for men/women in a sexual relationship?

I need the following:

Physically fit
Good looking (aside from physically fit, should have pleasant face and be my "type")
Young
Kind personality
Future-time oriented
Low-N
Smart
Desires kids and prioritizes family over career
No unappealing behaviors like smoking, dressing trashily, cursing too much

How/Are the standards different at different levels (ONS, FWB, LTR, Marriage?)

I don't care about ONS / FWB. I would prioritize marriage-potential when entering an LTR, although I'd consider an LTR to pass the time if I meet someone who checks all the boxes except youth or desire for kids. I might also compromise with a girl with a moderate partner count for an LTR but decide it is too high to marry her. Who knows.

Are your standards solid or permeable? (If you list 10 things and someone hits 8-9, would you proceed?)

I don't think so (aside from the above relaxations for LTR vs. marriage).

Do you consider your standards high or low compared to others?

I think they're very high - perhaps unrealistically so, especially considering that such traits as "smart" are unlikely to come in the same package as "kind personality" and . However, given the rising age of marriage, it's entirely possible that others are just as unrealistically picky as I am.

Other than these dealbreakers, I also have desirables like her having good hobbies (preferably some interests in common with me), speaking very good English, being feminine, and not having much student debt.

beer77 · 2015-05-22T01:12:21+00:00

/u/beer77's Relationship Ladder:

ONS: be sexually available and not fugly/obese

Plate/casual: be ONS plus not crazy/a bitch

------------- LTR line ---------------

LTR: Be plate material plus bring value to my life in other ways

Marriage: Be LTR material plus be good enough for me to risk half of all my stuff on you

The scale is exponentially more difficult at each stage. Each stage requires all stages below plus new things. Having material for a higher stage is meaningless until you have fulfilled all criteria for all lower stages. Standards for below the LTR line are solid because they are minimal.

wuboo · 2015-05-21T19:16:47+00:00

No ONS. For FWB, meet my standard for friends and I have to be comfortable with them. In the case of LTR, the biggest deal breaker for me has been reasoning ability/intelligence and grasp of common knowledge. What I consider 'common knowledge' may be high. Standards that haven't come up as issues are non smokers, non drug users, and being independent.
Some are more solid than others.
I think most of mine are common and reasonable except for the intelligence one.

buartha · 2015-05-21T19:43:29+00:00

What are your standards for men~~/women~~ in a sexual relationship?

The first and most important thing for me is willingness to be in a monogamous relationship. I'm gay, and it can be surprisingly hard to find guys who don't at least want a 'monogamish' relationship.

Physically, not fat, or overly muscular. I find any kind of bulk viscerally unappealing generally. That said, definition is very nice, though not essential. Generally BMI of less than 25 is what I'd look for, but I appreciate that weight fluctuates a bit so I wouldn't rule out anyone who was less than 28 and who carried it well and was planning on losing a few pounds. Preferably not balding, but that's a soft standard and not my top priority.

Personality-wise, aside from the obvious (i.e. funny, smart, caring, not a serial killer) I quite like my partner to be the sort of person who's dominant and genuinely enjoys taking the lead. I'm pretty anxious about basically everything, so having someone who's confident in their decision making ability makes me feel at ease. Being with someone who's kinky and leans dom is important too.

Also, while this isn't exactly a standard, I realistically need to be with someone who's pretty indulgent of the fact that I get emotional over stupid stuff a lot of the time. Most people wouldn't be as understanding and sweet as my partner is about me doing stuff like crying over dead pigeons.

How/Are the standards different at different levels (ONS, FWB, LTR, Marriage?)

I would never engage in a ONS or have a FwB situation, but assuming I did, I'd imagine that looks would take priority and personality (other than dominance) would take a back seat. Provided they aren't particularly obnoxious of course.

Are your standards solid or permeable? (If you list 10 things and someone hits 8-9, would you proceed?)

Being willing to take the lead in the relationship is non-negotiable. I'm not going to step up to the plate if they don't, so we'd just end up treading water otherwise. Anything else isn't essential, though if I were single and looking the more boxes ticked the better, haha.

Do you consider your standards high or low compared to others?

I don't know if I'd exactly call them 'high,' but I know from experience that it's hard to get guys my own age who meet them. My partner's older and I can't imagine my life without him, but hypothetically if I wasn't into more 'mature' guys I'd probably not find what I was looking for until I got a bit older.

APlaceInsideMyHead · 2015-05-21T20:18:31+00:00

My standards are not permeable save for those listed as "bonus".

I believe that I have higher standards than the average man.

Not really into ONS.

FWB: -Physically attractive to me -Pleasant personality -Doesn't have an annoying voice/laugh -Not too serious

LTR: -Physically attractive to me -Pleasant personality -Doesn't have an annoying voice/laugh -Submissive -Knows when to be serious or not -Actively tries to better understand the world around her -Fashion sense that appeals to me -Regularly shows that she is attracted to me through sex, cuddling, kissing, etc. -Younger than me

Bonus: -Likes the same type of music as I do -Can sing -Can dance

I'm not interested in ever getting married.

BeyondTheLight · 2015-05-21T20:40:28+00:00

I will just participate this time. These would be my standards. I don't really put too much value on "looks". We will end up looking terrible anyway, when we are old. What will be left is character. I would rather have an "average" looking "wallflower", than a "pretty face" with no character. To the point that I even ignored what would be beautiful women and a man. Really looking back they didn't even register. So basically I would rather have an intelligent person with a good degree and a good career, who also has, what is for me, a great personality. I might not budge on tattoo's and piercings (aside from the ear) that could be a deal breaker for me. Must not smoke as that is unhealthy and must not be criminally active. I can cook myself at high level if I say so myself, as it is a hobby that I nurture as much as I can. I also can keep everything clean and keep things going, so I have no need for those things in a partner. I would maybe want my partner to be active, as in working out, be it lifting or running. As long as the person just takes cares of his/her health. Also height is a non-issue for me. You can be 5"0 or 6"0 for I care. I really don't need that much, so I would say that my standards are reasonable if anything.

GuitarsAreGettingOld · 2015-05-21T23:43:19+00:00

I have given up on defining standards. Whenever I decide that xy is a dealbreaker and meet a nice woman who is interested in me, I suddenly give a shit.

Then I swore to myself that I will only define one single dealbreaker and stick to it: she doesn't want to do anal.

Well, she was pretty and nice, anal was clearly off the table. Still gave it a shot. Didn't work out for other reasons. But the next time I am gonna totally stick to my decision that it is a dealbreaker. I will not yield.

But I do have a funny "100 bullet points list" of required things and a woman must check every single one. Not because I would actually give a damn, but because whenever I mention that list to a woman, she immediately wants to know if she would qualify.

So I list a few points, we talk about it. Always leads to a nice conversation.

"She must play an instrument. Singing doesn't count except when she is very good."

"I played the piano when I was younger."

"That doesn't count. Only if she is still playing the instrument."

"I was thinking about starting to play again. I really missed it."

EDIT: As for looks, I seem to have low standards. My female friends said they were shocked when they saw the last girl I had a crush on.

ReddishBlack · 2015-05-22T00:41:05+00:00

Chemistry, character, confidence.

I tend to love ball busters and bitchy women as long as they're light hearted about

Cuck alert

wazzup987 · 2015-05-22T04:23:46+00:00

ONS: not look like this

Dating: be Interesting and pleasent to be around.

LTR = ONS + dating + Career minded, can handle your shit, not looking for white knight, i don't complete you i compliment you, you don't need me. Not looking for kids ever, open to kink, maybe poly, maybe not, Would be insulted if i were chivalrous, not female chauvinist, understand my money is my money and if i treat its a my discretion not some thing to b expected. can take a joke, doesn't have shitty friends, not a virgin, fiscally sound

madscientistlove · 2015-05-22T05:39:51+00:00

1.

*ONS: Attractive, charismatic, interesting (pick two).

*FWB: Same as ONS, but add "good in bed" and feminist/LGBT ally.

*LTR: See FWB, but add "compatible life goals, easy to live with, loving, kind to people in the service industry and animals and homeless people, ambitious (about art, music, whatever), compatible personality-wise"

*Marriage: Unnecessary, but see LTR.

Two. Non-negotiable.

3. I think my standards are reasonable. I don't know or care how they stack up with others, really.

Edit: My formatting is all fucked up, but I can't seem to fix it. Sorry for the wonky text blocks.

miope · 2015-05-22T12:24:46+00:00

1.-ONS, I have never had one FWB, the same LTR, sexual attractive, and good person, compatible personality, Marriage, I am not planning too, but it would be the same that LTR 2.-Non negotiable 3.-Normal standards

gianttribble · 2015-05-22T17:54:39+00:00

I have not had an ONS, FWB or marriage before. I just always looked for someone I could hang out with who didn't have a problem with me and didn't have a sexual disease. I started dating in my mid 20s but was unsuccessful for a long time as a luser and foreveralone.

You have to be clean by using a fresh condom every time. Do not use an old condom even if you wash it. I have "odd" habits, that some people disrespect, like bulk storage of food, taking nootropic supplements, and keeping computer areas dust-free.

Many men disrespect this stuff. Sometimes my boyfriend mocks when I listen to death metal and black metal but I am slowly trying to convert him into listening to it. You can diss my music / art taste all you want. But if you change my computer settings or mess with my music gear, those are automatic grounds for divorce.

It was always mostly about whether or not they could tolerate me. That was the limiting factor. I am an obnoxious aspie. Stuff like being able to speak clearly is important, as is not stealing money or wares from me. Note, when I say speak clearly, I am referring to mumblers. I am fine with guys who have a foreign or regional accent.

Personal decency is also important like not using racial slurs or hard drugs like heroin, crack and meth at least around me. Also no violence and physical fighting at least around me but I will not post bail. I don't give a F if a guy is a felon as long as they don't make demands of me. I try to avoid the kinds of boys who always ask for money and then never give it back.

jnr_77 · 2015-05-21T18:25:24+00:00

I only do "marriage," so it's one standard there. Meaning, if I ever found myself not married (divorce, widow) any relationship I might strike up after the fact would be with the end goal of Marriage in mind.
My standards are solid and immutable. Say I had 10 things on my list, he'd have to meet all 10. I wouldn't continue with a relationship if he fell shy of any of them.
I don't consider my standards "high" (as in unreachable for most people) but I do consider them inflexible.

Reginleifer · 2015-05-21T18:47:29+00:00

My physical standards are pretty low, mostly because I can imagine myself being an idiot in love.

ONS: Too low, when I'm horny as all hell. FWB: Still incredibly low, here's where I apply "don't stick your dick in crazy. If I think someone will get attached or complicate matters I'll refuse. Hot friends of the family and people in a position of power go here. I'll probably attach minimal physical standards here.

For LTR's and Marriage material I look at their morals, their family background, their demeanor, their credit score, intelligence, browser history, genetic makeup, music tastes, ability to respond to high risk situations, etc.

If standards aren't solid, why even have them?
Extremely Low for casual, moderate for serious relationships. (America is low for serious).

pandorarosie · 2015-05-21T18:59:03+00:00

My standards for a ltr are:

No:

tattoos
long hair
piercings
smoker
obesity
children
drugs
jobless
high partner count
shorter* than me

and between ages 23 and 33.

The only difference is for ONS I might be more lenient on 'jobless/no ambition' because well, I am not looking for a partner. And with a partner, I'd be more lenient on physical attraction.
Deal breakers are smoking/drugs and obesity. But my list is pretty solid...and I will lose instant attraction when I spot a tattoo.
Pretty high I would think...but, I am all of those. Well except shorter* than myself...because that's impossible. Also, my ears are pierced.

Title	Standards
Author	GaiusScaevolus
Upvotes	7
Comments	109
Date	May 21, 2015 6:07 PM UTC (11 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/36s53c/standards/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/standards.282040 https://theredarchive.com/post/282040

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