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What are acceptable changes in a partner's physique/personality/habits? What are unacceptable changes in a partner's physique/personality/habits?

solorathain
May 17, 2018
19 upvotes
/r/PurplePillDebate
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Post Information
Title What are acceptable changes in a partner's physique/personality/habits? What are unacceptable changes in a partner's physique/personality/habits?
Author

solorathain
Upvotes 19
Comments 99
Date May 17, 2018 1:54 PM UTC
(8 years ago)
Subreddit Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/8k4f8n/what_are_acceptable_changes_in_a_partners/
Archive Link https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/what-are-acceptable-changes-in-a-partners.262391
https://theredarchive.com/post/262391
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Comments

[–]Greedyfriend 7 points8 points9 points 8 years ago (49 children) | Copy Link

Hoooo boy. This is a huge one for me. My husband has two brothers with early onset Lewy body dementia and I am not a patient woman. I’ve warned him that if it happens to him, I will take care of him unless he becomes really abusive. If that happens we have already agreed he goes to a nursing home. 😢

He’s not the type of person to let himself get fat or ignore his hygiene. That’s why I married him. I will gladly accept any and all changes that he can’t control. If he did let himself get fat or developed a negative personality, I would insist he seek treatment. If those changes are due to some organic disease, I would deal.

[–]LewisCross 3 points4 points5 points 8 years ago (38 children) | Copy Link

I will take care of him unless he becomes really abusive. If that happens we have already agreed he goes to a nursing home

Wow. So much for "for better or for worse, in sickness and in health"

This attitude is part of the problem in marriage today. Why would any man get married if it's "well, if you get sick, off to the warehouse you go!" I would never have married my wife if she had said this to me; and if she ever does, it's to the divorce lawyer I'll go.

[–]Greedyfriend 14 points15 points16 points 8 years ago (10 children) | Copy Link

One of his brothers has hit a paid caretaker. If he gets like this, he will need to be in a specialized ward. Not all people with dementia are docile zombies. Some can be a physical danger to themselves and others.

So much for “judge not lest ye be judged”

[–]LewisCross 1 points1 points1 points 8 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link

So much for “judge not lest ye be judged”

I was wondering when someone was going to trot out the most misinterpreted, taken-out-of-context phrase in the Bible. LOL

That phrase doesn't mean what you think it means.

[–]Barneysparky 1 points1 points1 points 8 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link

I guess you are niave about caregiving.

[–]Greedyfriend 1 points1 points1 points 8 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link

No, but I know exactly what you mean. You mean to imply that I would be a shitty person to put my husband in a home if he became physically abusive.

Lol my ass

My one bil has been arrested (and released) twice in two years. He currently has a full time caretaker, and his daughter and granddaughter take shifts for the remaining time because he can not be alone for even a second. And even with all this help, yeah, it’s only a matter of time until he goes to a home.

Funny you are so quick to assume a “lack of humanity “ in others.

[–]LewisCross 1 points1 points1 points 8 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link

I was speaking generally and using your post as a springboard for it.

I don't give a shit about you, your history or your brothers in law.

Most people are shitty.

[–]Greedyfriend 1 points1 points1 points 8 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link

When the world always smells like shit it’s time to check your shoes

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points3 points 8 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link

okay, enough. keep it civil or just walk away.

[–]LewisCross 0 points1 point2 points 8 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

I did keep it civil.

[–]Taipanshimshonhere for the downvotes8 points9 points10 points 8 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

don't know what you said, but some demented people are pleasantly confused. some are actually violent.

There is a limit to what a person can tolerate. Would you stick with your wife is she hityou twice a day? hard? Think about it.

[–]quotient_isPurple Pill7 points8 points9 points 8 years ago* (0 children) | Copy Link

Do you have any experience with violent and abusive dementia patients? They don't always become violent, but it is pretty common. Even if they're not violent, they often need 24/7 care.

Fun anecdote: My blind father's dementia addled neighbor stabbed him because he was convinced that the blind man had broken into his shed and stolen his stuff.

She is not saying that she'll abandon him if he gets sick. She's committing to take care of him if he gets sick up to the point that it becomes a real danger to her, at which point she'll ensure he's taken care by people who can properly manage any violent outbursts. This is fair enough and I would much rather my own husband do the same with me if my condition ever deteriorates to uncontrollable violence and/or abuse.

You've grossly misinterpreted what was said.

[–]goatismycopilotPurple Pill Woman10 points11 points12 points 8 years ago (16 children) | Copy Link

You clearly know nothing about the dementia variants or Alzheimer's people often become violent aggressive confused and wander off . It is not always benign forgetfulness. Unsupervised they can burn a home down or seriously hurt themselves or others.

[–]GinSmokeLies 12 points13 points14 points 8 years ago* (3 children) | Copy Link

Yeah. My family had to put my grandfather in a home after he had a stroke. It was the hardest decision we ever made and we put it off as long as we could, but it got to a point where he was a danger to himself and my grandmother couldn't take care of him (she's 90 pounds dripping wet and couldn't help him get around the way he needed to be helped, nor could she stop him when he, for example, got a wild hair and decided he was going to drive across town to his favorite Mexican restaurant that had been closed for 15 years.) My mom and dad helped as much as they could (we lived nextdoor to my grandparents so they were over there every day, but of course they had jobs, kids and limited time/resources to help), and my dad's only sibling is a paraplegic so there was only so much he could do to help. Ultimately we just didn't have a choice and it's what was best for everyone, including my grandpa. We didn't put him in a home because "Ugh you're just too difficult to deal with and we're tired of you." It was the only way for him to get the care he needed, and it had reached a point where him living at home was literally a hazard to my grandma.

People are really judgmental about nursing homes, and I agree it's a decision that shouldn't be made flippantly, but it rubs me the wrong way when people act like you put someone in a home just because they're an annoyance that you don't want to deal with. There's a lot more that goes into those decisions.

[–]aNationofTwo 6 points7 points8 points 8 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

People are really judgmental about nursing homes

Tell me about it. I worked in an Alzheimer's ward and people still gave me shit about my job. I was forever defending the rights of families to put their loved ones in proper residential care rather than have grandma wander down the highway at 3 am because she has dementia and can walk.

[–]goatismycopilotPurple Pill Woman2 points3 points4 points 8 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

That sounds like a very tough decision and y"all did everything else.

[–]cxj75% Redpill Core Ideas0 points1 point2 points 8 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

“Ugh you’re just too difficult” is a perfectly valid reason.

I worked a s a CNA in long term and JFC those people are so hard

[–]LewisCross 1 points1 points1 points 8 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link

No. Read this carefully:

Why would any man get married if it's "well, if you get sick, off to the warehouse you go!"

The point is the wife bluntly, callously and insensitively telling a husband this. Not that she would do it; but that she would be such a bitch about it.

[–]goatismycopilot 1 points1 points1 points 8 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link

Oh so she should just not tell him.

[–]LewisCross 1 points1 points1 points 8 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link

No.....

that she would be such a bitch about it.

that she would be such a bitch about it.

Read that as many times as it takes for you to understand it.

[–]goatismycopilot 1 points1 points1 points 8 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link

You consider anything a woman says to you as bitchy so your perspective is skewed.

[–]LewisCross 1 points1 points1 points 8 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link

No, the only things women say that I consider bitchy, are bitchy things.

Sometimes women say nonbitchy things. And I consider them to be nonbitchy.

"Off to the warehouse you go if you get sick!" Bitchy.

[–]goatismycopilot 1 points1 points1 points 8 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link

That is not what she said though.

[–][deleted] 8 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link

[removed]

[–][deleted]1 point 8 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link

sigh... okay i tried to be understanding and lenient, but now you're just attacking this person and picking fights with them, so all of this is getting removed. the next time this happens it will be a temp ban. we've warned you enough times.

[–]LewisCross1 point 8 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link

No. All I was doing was explaining my position to Goat.

But you've decided to see it that way, so, so be it.

[–][deleted] 8 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

[removed]

[–]poppy_bluAARP sent me a birthday card2 points3 points4 points 8 years ago (4 children) | Copy Link

She’s hypergamous and going to branch swing on him any way tho.

[–]Greedyfriend 2 points3 points4 points 8 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link

Lol. Yeah, I’ll run off with his doctor /s

Meanwhile other people would divorce immediately if their spouse even vocalized ever putting him in a home. So much for commitment.

[–]poppy_bluAARP sent me a birthday card2 points3 points4 points 8 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link

So you know I was just fucking with Lewis right?

[–]Greedyfriend 3 points4 points5 points 8 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

Yes lol. He’s the one who said if his wife ever said anything like this he would divorce her immediately.

[–]reluctantly_red1 point2 points3 points 8 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

So much for "for better or for worse, in sickness and in health"

That's women today. They expect their guy to standby them but do not reciprocate. I've posted this before but I'll do it again; my ex-wife asked for a divorce the very day I was diagnosed with a heart problem. Ironically she'd had several surgeries in the preceding years that cost me dearly.

[–]Greedyfriend 0 points1 point2 points 8 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

Man, I mean I’m sorry for what happened to you, but that is NOT what I am planning on doing. Like I said, I will try to deal with any and all issues. He will only go to a nursing home if he gets “really abusive”. The behavior currently manifesting in his siblings is not something that can be dealt with, even with round the clock care.

The worst and most heartbreaking thing is if that time ever comes, he will not understand. He will be very bitter and resentful. It’s called anosognosia. One of his brothers is in total denial that anything at all is wrong with him. The other one is currently not speaking to his stepdaughter because she has already put him in a home. The fact that we have discussed this while he is of “sound mind and body” will be my only comfort. If he gets like his brothers, when the time comes he will go in kicking and screaming.

Even then, I wouldn’t abandon him. The very thought is making me tear up right now. My own mom had to put my 92 year old grandma in a home after she had lived with them for several years. But she and my dad still took turns and tried to visit almost every day

[–]mittenmaster00 1 point2 points3 points 8 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

Wow. So much for "for better or for worse, in sickness and in health"

Taken at face value, I really think full blown dementia is an exception to this.

It's not the same as just sickness because it's literally a different, out of this world person you never knew before.

[–]cxj75% Redpill Core Ideas1 point2 points3 points 8 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

Dude I’ve worked in nursing homes before as a CNA , taking care of dementia patients is exhausting and practically impossible. I hated it and most people who work there do, it’s mostly done by immigrants lol.

Society needs to get real about euthanasia because there is just no handling dementia

[–][deleted] 8 years ago (7 children) | Copy Link

[deleted]

[–]Greedyfriend 3 points4 points5 points 8 years ago (6 children) | Copy Link

? Bogus? As in not real? I’m not a neurologist, just reporting the differential diagnosis both have been given. Both experienced very lucid hallucinations as the first indication of dementia. This was before either had memory problems. Both are now developing Parkinson-like physical symptoms. We told a true LBD diagnoses, as opposed to Alzheimer’s was only possible upon autopsy.

[–][deleted] 8 years ago (5 children) | Copy Link

[deleted]

[–]Greedyfriend 0 points1 point2 points 8 years ago (4 children) | Copy Link

Ahh, thanks. Both experienced first symptoms at 60. Is pretty horrible tbh

[–]SkookumTreeWe are DONE with "cope"0 points1 point2 points 8 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link

Shit man just shoot me before I get that bad.

[–]Greedyfriend 0 points1 point2 points 8 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

To be perfectly frank, we’ve discussed that too. Not shooting each other, but how far we would want medical science to intervene if we became terminally ill. There are some really great things about getting older, but conversations like these are not part of them.

[–]SkookumTreeWe are DONE with "cope"0 points1 point2 points 8 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

Yeah - if I knew what the hell was going on I'd probably shoot myself. Don't want to be a burden, not being able to wipe my own ass and eating up financial and emotional resources. Fuck that shit.

[–]aNationofTwo 0 points1 point2 points 8 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

My husband has two brothers with early onset Lewy body dementia

Ouch, I am sorry to hear that. I sincerely hope he does not get it too.

[–]Greedyfriend 2 points3 points4 points 8 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

Thank you. So far so good. It generally doesn’t have a genetic component, his brothers are identical twins.

[–][deleted] 8 years ago* (3 children) | Copy Link

[deleted]

[–]Feanorfanclub6 points7 points8 points 8 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link

I agree with the gist of your post but I would generally make an exception for things out of their control. Losing a leg is both a permanent and major change, but not something I would leave them for.

[–]Aanon894 points5 points6 points 8 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

I'd probably say lowering your bar for personal hygiene is close to if not outright unacceptable.

No one will like you more if you start going days without showering or brushing your teeth.

[–]Barely-moralMostly red though8 points9 points10 points 8 years ago (34 children) | Copy Link

You should always be improving within reason. Any change for the worse must be temporary or have a valid explanation in order to be acceptable

[–]reluctantly_red7 points8 points9 points 8 years ago (31 children) | Copy Link

Any change for the worse must be temporary

This pretty much precludes any LTR as time will inevitably conquer us all.

[–]Barely-moralMostly red though3 points4 points5 points 8 years ago (30 children) | Copy Link

or have a valid explanation

Aging is a valid explanation for a lot of changes.

[–]officerkondoMarried Redder Shade of Purple Man1 point2 points3 points 8 years ago (27 children) | Copy Link

I disagree. I think that age is the handiest excuse. Simply giving a shit about yourself prevents a lot of the problems that people just blame on age e.g. gaining fat, being listless.

[–]Barely-moralMostly red though1 point2 points3 points 8 years ago (26 children) | Copy Link

Changes for the worse will happen. What is unacceptable is letting them happen when they could be avoided.

[–]officerkondoMarried Redder Shade of Purple Man1 point2 points3 points 8 years ago (25 children) | Copy Link

Case in point, negative changes blamed on age. What are some changes for the worse where aging provides a valid excuse?

[–]Barely-moralMostly red though1 point2 points3 points 8 years ago (24 children) | Copy Link

Alzheimer. Cancer. Non preventable/genetic diseases. Reduced physical stamina when compared to peak performance/age.

[–]officerkondoMarried Redder Shade of Purple Man1 point2 points3 points 8 years ago* (23 children) | Copy Link

Alzheimer. Cancer. Non preventable/genetic diseases.

Well yeah, although with the exception of Alzheimer's, a lot of these aren't diseases of age. But, I get your point. Anyone can get sick through no fault of their own.

Reduced physical stamina when compared to peak performance/age.

People really underestimate how little age has to affect physical strength and stamina. Sylvester Stallone and Tommy Lee Jones are both 71 and were born just a few months apart, but Sly sure as shit doesn't look 71. Now, I don't imagine Stallone is as strong as he was thirty years ago, but he's still doing pull-ups plus 100 lbs at 71. Of course, most people will never be strong enough to do a single pull-up let alone a weighted pull-up, but there is no excuse for being feeble.

[–]poppy_bluAARP sent me a birthday card0 points1 point2 points 8 years ago (22 children) | Copy Link

a lot of these aren't diseases of age.

They become more common as you age.

Sylvester Stallone

Yeah and I’m sure every man who has billions on the bank, the best trainers in the world, personal chefs, cosmetic surgeons and an army of personal assistants to take care of their every need so they can spend 6 hours a day on the gym can look like him at 71 too. Celebrities are usually bad examples for this particular argument.

No one denies that you can slow aging by caring care of yourself but youre still going to age and there’s no guarantee you won’t get sick.

[–]Pretty_Please_C_My_V 1 point2 points3 points 8 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

nope. maintaining strength and muscle is way easier than gaining it.

all you have to maintain is never quit going to the gym.

but Sylvester probably uses roids though

[–]poppy_blu2 points 8 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link

but Sylvester probably uses roids though

Roids make you age though. Tells me that he's had significant work done.

[–]officerkondoMarried Redder Shade of Purple Man1 point2 points3 points 8 years ago (19 children) | Copy Link

They become more common as you age.

Marvel movies become more common as you age. Most things become more common as you age. This is how the passage of time works.

Yeah and I’m sure every man who has billions on the bank, the best trainers in the world, personal chefs, cosmetic surgeons and an army of personal assistants to take care of their every need so they can spend 6 hours a day on the gym can look like him at 71 too. Celebrities are usually bad examples for this particular argumen

I anticipated this sort of lazy argument and picked Stallone for that reason. Rocky (1976) was Stallone's breakout role. When he filmed it at the age of 29-30, he had no megabux, no trainer, no personal chef, and no cosmetic surgeon. Guess what? He looked like this.

Beyond that, it doesn't matter how many trainers or chefs a person has. When you see someone's body, they didn't buy it. They didn't steal it. No one gave it to them. What you see is 100% the result of their effort (or lack thereof).

Only someone with a subpar body could say, "oh, you just pay trainers and chefs and then you look like Thor." Anyone who thinks six hours in the gym is a thing that is done has never been inside one.

[–]poppy_blu1 point 8 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link

I anticipated this sort of lazy argument and picked Stallone for that reason

So you admit you cherry picked an extreme example to support a point you want to apply to the general population. OK.

No one gave it to them.

You're obviously not familiar with how much money is spent on cosmetic surgeons in Hollywood. Men and women.

And you can chill with the assumptions about me. This subpar body at 42 runs 20+miles a week. I've been an athlete my whole life, and competed for a Division 1 school.

[–]officerkondo1 point 8 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link

So you admit you cherry picked an extreme example to support a point you want to apply to the general population. OK.

No, I admit to anticipating your lazy response. Please explain Sly Stallone's physique in Rocky, when he had no trainer, chef, or surgeon. Then, explain the body of every fit person you see at a beach or pool who had no trainer, chef, or surgeon.

This subpar body runs 20+miles a week.

Skinny-fat it is!

[–]poppy_blu1 point 8 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link

Please explain Sly Stallone's physique in Rocky, when he had no trainer, chef, or surgeon.

How did we get from SS at 71 to SS at 30? Wasn't your original point that any one can age like SS if they work hard enough, ignoring genetics, disease, disability, and pure luck.

No one's taking away from what SS has accomplished, so just take it down a notch.

Skinny-fat it is!

Is there some reason you're obsessed with assumptions about the state of my body? Because you think I'm some neckbeard making excuses for being a fat lazy couch potato?

[–]officerkondo0 points 8 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link

How did we get from SS at 71 to SS at 30?

He was 30 when he filmed Rocky.

Wasn't your original point that any one can age like SS if they work hard enough, ignoring genetics, disease, disability, and pure luck.

No, that was never my point.

Is there some reason you're obsessed with assumptions about the state of my body?

Is there some reason you told me your exercise habits?

Still waiting for you to explain the body of every fit person at the pool who doesn't have a chef and trainer. TIA!

[–]poppy_blu1 point 8 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link

Is there some reason you told me your exercise habits?

Because you assumed you knew what they were.

Only someone with a subpar body Anyone who thinks six hours in the gym is a thing that is done has never been inside one.

you don't remember saying this now?

You're just salty because your attempt to insult me came back to bite you in the ass.

Still waiting for you to explain the body of every fit person at the pool who doesn't have a chef and trainer.

Where excatly did I say this? Link to it please.

I said SS at 71 and wealthy AF has the benefit of these things that the vast majority of the world doesn't have.

[–]officerkondo0 points 8 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link

Because you assumed you knew what they were.

My assumption was correct. You have posted your exercise habits and they are lacking.

You're just salty because your attempt to insult me came back to bite you in the ass.

Not in the slightest. A runner's body impresses no one. (sprinters are a different story) I also correctly deduced that your blurt of "six hours in the gym" was borne of ignorance.

Where excatly did I say this? Link to it please.

Yeah and I’m sure every man who has billions on the bank, the best trainers in the world, personal chefs, cosmetic surgeons and an army of personal assistants to take care of their every need so they can spend 6 hours a day on the gym can look like him at 71 too.

This is your noise that has since been fucked.

I said SS at 71 and wealthy AF has the benefit of these things that the vast majority of the world doesn't have.

So what? He had no wealth or any of those things when he made Rocky. Where was his chef then?

What an unfulfilling life one must have to wave away every other person's accomplishments with, "they're just privileged!"

[–]poppy_blu1 point 8 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link

So this was all about you wanting to critique my exercise habits? LOL

So tell me what exercise plan you recommend for me? Knowing nothing about me. And clearly assuming I'm a man.

Yeah and I’m sure every man who has billions on the bank, the best trainers in the world, personal chefs, cosmetic surgeons and an army of personal assistants to take care of their every need so they can spend 6 hours a day on the gym can look like him at 71 too. This is your noise that has since been fucked.

"can look like him at 71 too."

Did you miss that part?

So what? He had no wealth or any of those things when he made Rocky. Where was his chef then?

Wow. Now we're back to Rocky at 30 again. you're clearly having a really tough time following my points for some reason. So let me start over.

A healthy lifestyle statistically will help you age better. But for any given person on any given day, there is an element -- however big or small -- that cannot be controlled -- illness, injury, etc.

Everyone can be a better version of themselves with a healthy lifestyle. But every man will not look like Sylvester Stallone at 71 regardless of how much time they devote to it. Genetics is surely a factor for him (eg an ectomoprh isn't likely to look like him without top personal trainers, nutritionists, etc).

Back the original point. You. Will. Still. Age. That is an indisputable fact.

My advice: be the best you can be and stop obsessing over Rocky. There a billions of less buff men who are still hot AF. Speaking as a woman.

[–]officerkondo1 point 8 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link

So this was all about you wanting to critique my exercise habits? LOL

No. It was about explaining how your whines about chefs and trainers were bullshit.

you're clearly having a really tough time following my points for some reason

Having a point would be a good start. All I saw was grousing about chefs and surgeons.

an ectomoprh

Somatotypes are bullshit. That you speak of them sincerely disqualifies you from the discussion.

My advice: be the best you can be

I agree with this advice. My advice: stop using trainers and chefs as an excuse for lack of achievement.

[–]poppy_blu1 point 8 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link

What lack of achievement?

[–]officerkondo0 points 8 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link

I can't comment about the failures of hypothetical people. You will have to ask the whiner, although most times you won't have to bother because it will be obvious.

[–]poppy_blu1 point 8 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link

make your point

[–]officerkondo0 points 8 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link

I thought I had made my point quite clearly, but I will type it slowly this time, and put it in bold because emphasis is apparently needed:

Whenever anyone dismisses another's accomplishments while excusing their own to the tune of, "I don't have the advantages that other guy had", all anyone else can see is a loser.

[–]poppy_blu1 point 8 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link

smh

I didn't dismiss his accomplishments. I said every man cannot look like him. That's all.

you never did catch that I'm not a guy did you?

[–]Aanon890 points1 point2 points 8 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

Yeah. You covered yourself easily with "valid explanation". I think your post might be the best one.

[–]Barely-moralMostly red though1 point2 points3 points 8 years ago* (0 children) | Copy Link

It is more than covering myself, it is accepting that life happens and no one is totally in control. Aging will happen, accidents will happen, tragedies may happen, mental illness may happen. Changes for the worse will happen. What is unacceptable is letting them happen when they could be avoided. What is unacceptable is not trying to improve in the aspects you can improve.

[–]officerkondoMarried Redder Shade of Purple Man1 point2 points3 points 8 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

You should always be improving within reason.

What would be an example of achieving an unreasonable improvement?

[–]Barely-moralMostly red though1 point2 points3 points 8 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

I expressed myself in a poor way. What I tried to say is that expecting constant improvement in all aspects of life is unreasonable. So you can expect your partner to improve, but you should not expect the impossible.

[–]EchoZeroElevenPursuing Answers to Unknown Questions2 points3 points4 points 8 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

It would be good if my partner changed for the better.

It would be bad if my partner changed for he worse.

[–]reluctantly_red1 point2 points3 points 8 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

If a partner gives up and stops trying its time to split. If she stops trying to be attractive, if she stops trying to be a good mother, if she stops working for the partnership's future its a huge problem. Picking up an addiction would of course be a special extra large red flag.

[–]_MAGAMEMNON_ 1 point2 points3 points 8 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

Acceptable: better

Unacceptable: worse

[–]allala931 point2 points3 points 8 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

Unacceptable: from narcissism to extreme narcissism.

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[–]Atlas_B_Shruggin🔪Yeetus that Feetus🔪1 point2 points3 points 8 years ago* (4 children) | Copy Link

do you think theres some Platonic Form of "acceptable changes" in a relationship that people hold in their heads before they are IN that relationship with a person they love?

[–]goatismycopilotPurple Pill Woman4 points5 points6 points 8 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

No. People think they know what deal breakers are until they get there.

[–]wracky272RPG's are fun1 point2 points3 points 8 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

Yes. Smoking is a good example. For some people, expecting someone to quit smoking is unreasonable and unrealistic. Others will be ok with somebody smoking with the expectation that they'll someday quit.

[–]LyaninaBlue Pill1 point2 points3 points 8 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

I think lots of people do, but it can definitely go out the window when they are in that relationship and actually having to deal with the person they love changing.

[–]Atlas_B_Shruggin🔪Yeetus that Feetus🔪1 point2 points3 points 8 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

right so what was the point of their stupid made up neurotic visions, better not to have them

[–]wtknightHardcore Romantic0 points1 point2 points 8 years ago (5 children) | Copy Link

Acceptable changes are ones where a partner gets better. Unacceptable ones are where a partner gets worse. The only reason unacceptable changes get accepted is because they are balanced out by other traits that the other partner continues to appreciate.

[–]paccount112You're delusions are making me red1 point2 points3 points 8 years ago (4 children) | Copy Link

Better or worse to whom? Because you describe changes selfishly, or "what's in it for me?" as being good and "not beneficial for me" as being bad. I know people throw around solopcism here often, but this really is.

I get in shape is good because you get to sleep with a handsome man now. Unless you're insecure about your body and it makes you insecure, then it's bad.

Thats not improvement, that's co dependancy

[–]wtknightHardcore Romantic0 points1 point2 points 8 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link

I thought the question is about what changes are acceptable or unacceptable in a partner. Obviously they are dependent upon what your partner prefers. If my partner likes fat guys and I get muscular, then that’s an unacceptable change to her and, if that change isn’t balanced out by other things she appreciates about me, then I risk her leaving me.

[–]paccount112You're delusions are making me red0 points1 point2 points 8 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link

I don't like how it's framed. Acceptable this way implies that you're a dancing fool, constantly looking for the approval of your spouse. Frame it as a positive or a negative, but it is co dependency.

[–]wtknightHardcore Romantic0 points1 point2 points 8 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

If one’s goal is a monogamous relationship, then keeping one’s partner happy enough not to leave is important. Guys who don’t like this are probably better off spinning temporary plates instead.

[–]paccount112You're delusions are making me red0 points1 point2 points 8 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

Everyone has to provide value, of course

[–]says_harsh_thingsRed Pill - Chad0 points1 point2 points 8 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

I wouldn't mind if a partner became less uptight, or got in better shape, or started taking care of themselves more.

[–]Marino4KPurple with a splash of Red0 points1 point2 points 8 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

Better would be anything benefitting a relationship whether it’s causal or LTR, obviously unacceptable would be anything harming it.

There’s a twist to every situation I’m sure. Example, if you’re heavily into fitness and you begin dating a fitness chick and you both have this “expectation” of each other so to speak, but one of you just stop caring and start getting way out of shape, that’s going to cause issues.

If two hardcore vegans are dating and one all of a sudden decides fuck it, I want to eat meat now and tries to make the still vegan feel foolish, that’s probably causing issues.

Probably some extreme examples but you get the idea

[–]bubblebutterbun0 points1 point2 points 8 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

Physique - whatever. It's their body, not mine. As long as they aren't damaging their body with intravenus drugs or excessive smoking or something then we're gucci. Oh, also, butt cleanliness. I'm not into butt stuff, but the butt area can get smelly. We should all clean our butts regularly.

Personality - no stagnation. I'd like to see my partner continuously aiming at self improvement and incrementally realizing their goals.

[–]Young_OryxEats plants and talks shit0 points1 point2 points 8 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

Considering I already married him, I'll have to accept any changes that my husband undergoes. No such thing as dealbreaking changes anymore.

[–]paccount112You're delusions are making me red-1 points0 points1 point 8 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link

Acceptable means whatever you do before the other person leaves.

[–]Aanon891 point2 points3 points 8 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

Not necessarily. People let things they might find unacceptable go on much longer or go generally further than they should.

[–]paccount112You're delusions are making me red-2 points-1 points0 points 8 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

Then it's acceptable, don't mistake the buffer zone between what's ideal vs what's tolerable confuse you.

If its not acceptable, you dont accept it, by definition

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