What are some misconceptions about dating/romance/sex you've realised?

GradualDecomp · 2019-02-07T19:44:09+00:00

A lot of people think that love is a feeling, when it is in fact a choice and actions you must take day after day.

damaskrose · 2019-02-07T22:02:52+00:00

I used to think all I'd have to do was make myself as attractive as possible and men would approach me. Never happened. Maybe I'm still ugly but I think I'm pretty average. I never would've gotten married if I hadn't worked for it.

Romance doesn't "just happen". Women, especially average-looking women who say it "just happens" are probably extroverts. From their perspective, it seems like guys approach them "randomly" because socializing and flirting come naturally. They'd do those things anyways even if they weren't looking for a man. They don't even realize they're making 100 subtle moves on him before he makes the 1 big move of asking them out.

For an introvert, those things are WORK. Going out to a social event, approaching a stranger, maintaining a conversation, making friends, and flirting are all work. They're not the sort of things you do naturally and you're probably not any good at them. Most guys don't approach women randomly, they wait until you've got a rapport and IOI's. It's your job to make that happen.

whatdidshewrite · 2019-02-07T19:45:43+00:00

Growing up I used to think sex was going to be the best thing ever, but after I had it a couple times I couldn't help but think it was underwhelming.

I've also found the dichotomy between what people say they want, and what they really want (as dictated by their actions) to be jarringly stark.

atlantic68 · 2019-02-07T20:01:25+00:00

Women will give their best selves away to Chad for free and give their worst selves to the man they proclaim to love.

"Just be yourself" only works if you're already attractive or have exciting hobbies.

wokein · 2019-02-07T19:44:11+00:00

That all men have similarities, and most men are not that intelligent when it comes to reading women. They don't realize when they're being used, when the girl doesn't like them.

I expected more romantic gestures from men, but this started to dwindle from the age of 16.

I expected men to value physical touch more than women do, but men just prefer sex more than women do and it is actually women who prefer physical touch (kissing,cuddling,massages)

Tishkaminx · 2019-02-07T20:10:55+00:00

-I learnt to not expect my guy to be a mind reader - I learnt to argue well -to phrase 'I dislike it when you.. ' instead of 'You always...-'. -I am clear when I can't make promises -I'm clear with my boundaries, where and when I'll compromise and when I won't.. if the guy doesn't accept it then he is free to leave. -i keep my expectations realistic and I try to focus on the important things. We don't have kids or pets so there is no responsibility as such..if we are not having company round then it doesn't bother me if the dishes are left in the sink till the morning. If he needs a mental health day in bed watching tv , then that's okay with me.

I used to believe that true love was the most important thing. Now I'm not sure I believe in love at all, not in the same way..

Here4thebeer3232 · 2019-02-07T20:14:21+00:00

That men are out there getting laid left and right and that being single is just like the sitcoms.

Turns out, people arent drowning in sex as much as everyone thinks they are

blackedoutfast · 2019-02-07T23:10:19+00:00

the more of an obnoxious, irrationally over confident asshole you are the better. say whatever ridiculous bullshit pops into your head, and have absolute 100% faith that it's true because you said it. assume that every woman that you meet is obsessed with you and can barely resist fucking your brains out right here and now. assume that every man you meet thinks you're the coolest motherfucker they've ever met. never put pussy on a pedestal, you're the prize. tease girls relentlessly and pretend that you kinda hate them....but then when they're least expecting it say something really sweet and nice. when you get shit-tested, never give a straight answer, just keep doubling down on bullshit forever. don't be afraid of touching a girl and learn how to use kino correctly. always isolate before you escalate too far.

verticordia · 2019-02-08T00:09:26+00:00

I used to think all guys were simple creatures and it would be as simple as picking out which one I want and running with it. To get a man to want you, it's so hard. Not sexually of course, that's easy. But to get LTR'd, it's difficult. Now, it's not difficult for me to get men to chase me, but I'm very guarded and I tend to reject everyone for no apparent reason.

I fell for the "being a good woman" meme. Going 50/50, buying him things, texting first, showing interest. Doesn't work. Being a bitch makes guys want you more IMO. I don't wanna be this way, I miss being a naive little idiot that believed everyone had pure intentions like I do.

GridReXX · 2019-02-07T19:54:11+00:00

Culture and upbringing matter because formative years essentially hardcore the person for life outside of a miracle paradigm shift.

People like to downplay those things but a lot of relationships and marriages fall apart simply because the two people were raised differently and thus think differently and value different things.

LeJacquelope · 2019-02-08T01:22:41+00:00

I learned that a man's personality and character is of little importance to most women. Even compatibility is not as important as it was lauded in the past. A man's looks and socieconomic status are the overwhelmingly primary indicators of whether or not he will find a relationship or get laid. Everything else is friendzone.

whatdidshewrite · 2019-02-07T19:39:33+00:00

When I was younger (say early 20s) I thought the feelings of what I now know to be the "honeymoon period" last throughout the entire relationship, and that the couples where it didn't last meant that they had a bad relationship.

Not really too into "companionate love", so it also led to the personal realization that the work/effort required to keep alive a relationship that will never be as exciting/thrilling as it was at the beginning just isn't for me.

weightmotivator · 2019-02-07T22:55:50+00:00

I think the impact of confidence can and has been overstated, or at least has been presented to people without framing it in the proper context.

As with most things, I’ve found that there is a balance to strike. You can’t be ugly and confident and expect to have a good dating/sex life. You have to optimize your level of attractiveness (physical, mental, emotional, etc.) and be confident in the fruits of the labor you’ve enacted.

I tried the confidence things when I was obese and lived with my mom. No success. Now I live on my own, I have hobbies that take me out of the house and into the world. I have my own friends and goals.

All of that and more has made me very attractive to certain women. And I’m not especially tall or especially handsome or especially rich.

Confidence is good when it’s substantiated. Just as a quick example, some women may only be attracted to men who dress a certain way. I think confidence is knowing that and accepting it and still doing my own thing that makes me happy and not trying to mold myself into whatever some other person’s preferences are.

Case-in-point. I had a girl I was seeing a little while ago complain about my body hair and ask me to shave. I refused. Eventually she told me she grew to love my bodyhair. I think that has more to do with my relative confidence in it than her physical preferences changing.

I hope that makes sense, I’m distracted at the moment.

meomeowmeoww · 2019-02-07T20:52:14+00:00

Nerdy/virgin boys are loyal, loving, nice the works.

exit_sandman · 2019-02-08T14:45:49+00:00

There's nothing new under the sun, including PPD-topics. Voilà:

Already wrote it elsewhere, but it fits in here as well.

To give you an example how my thought process went like when I was a lot younger:

generally, the SMP is roughly symmetrical. Why? 1) the gender ratio is 50:50, 2) women always complain about how hard dating is, 3) and the pervasive feminist dogma that there is virtually no area in life whatseover where women have it easier than men, shitlord. So for a looooong time, I operated under the assumption that women were in the same boat as men were even when it came to dating. The fact that women didn't approach was explained away with women actually wanting to be proactive, but being discouraged by the evil society that didn't like proactive girls who know what they want.
now when it comes to dating/connecting, I thought that decent women wouldn't simultaneously vet multiple options. Reason? Women always complain about how shitty their dates treat them and how much they want someone who cares for them and is truly interested in them etc. pp. so it's far-fetched to assume that they themselves would do exactly that to a guy they're talking to. Also, the idea of the SMP being symmetrical and all that (see 1.) - a woman having multiple options open to them not as an exception, but as a rule? For someone operating from nasty scarcity mentality it was simply inconceivable that any just remotely desirable member of the other sex would operate from abundance by default - the whole concept was simply alien to me.
Misleading ideas about what women want. All the fuss about how mature women are and how fine-tuned their social sensors are, and how much they value genuine interest. When women complain about the lack of "good men" what they mean is a man who pushes all their buttons and could easily get any woman, but for some reason thinks that she's such a special snowflake that he is super-affectionate to her and her alone. But my interpretation back then? When a woman does this, she has been burned (or has been close to it) and because of this is on the fence as a rule to avoid that happening to her again, and it was up to me as a man to convince her that NAMALT and that I wasn't just looking for a way to get in her pants. Girls falling heads over heels for a guy without even knowing him? Well, they must be dumb tramps and one wouldn't want them anyway. Girls actually valuing sexual attraction first and most? Can't be, everything from relationship columns to girltalk to journalism to sitcoms told us that the men want sex sex sex and only sex and should finally get off women's backs and let them in peace, or try to "buy" sex with romantic stuff and choreplay. Women who were commenting on the issue of male attractiveness saying "looks aren't that important" or "bulky muscles are ugly" as a rule didn't help either.
Male scarcity as opposed to female abundance: Average guys don't have that many options as women; romantically unsuccessful guys may have next to none. They simply have no actual frame of reference to how they are supposed to be treated and what they shouldn't put up with in the first place. A friend of mine (who has been in a relationship that already started out as controlling and got progressively shittier over 8 years until it finally ended) said to me that he would never ever tolerate that treatment again: he also had to experience it first-hand before he said that he shouldn't be supposed to put up with it (unsurprisingly, he also had a thoroughly bluepill education and has been invested in the idea that it wasn't women who tanked relationships, but men, and hence it was his obligation to make it work). Which also leads to the idea that you have to put up with everything. If you are a latebloomer and have never been in a relationship (or only very few very short ones), it's hard to put a foot down and say "fuck you and your smartphone, I'm outta here". Especially if you have no realistic idea of how you should interpret her signals (see above). And even if he was willing to do it, who knows when the next realistic opportunity is within reach? A woman who has two guys on call and 20 orbiters liking everything she posts on facebook on the other hand is in a totally different situation - when a guy bores her, she has the luxury of being able to ditch him and never look back.

Now, the same stuff for a young guy who is redpill-aware.

The SMP isn't symmetrical: women your age can afford to be passive because (a) guys are more inclined to be proactive and (b) they have a far larger target demographic than you do. They have it easy, you have it hard, suck it up or become attractive.
Women aren't better than men; and don't let their wailing about the shittiness of guys convince you otherwise - they have just a higher propensity to verbalize their self-pity regarding their lot. Given the chance, the average woman will be exactly as selfish as a guy. Which means she actually is more selfish than the average guy because she has chances to be so. Which includes stringing you along while the guy she actually wants makes up his mind.
No, women don't want what you've been told they want. They want a bunch of frustratingly basic things and want these served on a silver plate because they can; if you don't deliver, you are out of luck. She doesn't look for a "good guy", but for a guy who makes her wet (and in order to bet that guy, make yourself pretty, go lift, and be unapologetic about your sexuality). Fuck all these self-serving "looks aren't that important" and "huge muscles are ugly" and "sensitivity is important"-claims; women spout that shit to make themselves look deep and not-superficial. No, she isn't waiting for you to convince her that you're a "good guy", she isn't interested because she doesn't want what you consider a "good guy" in the first place.
It's not exclusively on you to make it work. Forget all those women complaining about how much men suck, they picked the guys who treated them like shit, hence it's on them and them alone. They could easily have bailed and picked a sensitive and nice pedestalizing doormat who would have treated her like a queen, but choose not to. So don't beat yourself up about it when she tries to guilt-trip you. And if you are in a relationship that is shitty, pull the plug and get into a new one. If that should be too hard for you, pull the plug and try to improve yourself until it's easy for you. How do you get there? Check [resource x, y and z]. But don't let a single woman control your life and what you're doing with it, when you can do far better.

ireadredpillonce · 2019-02-07T19:58:03+00:00

'Just be yourself' is terrible advice because yourself isn't good enough and you need to get your shit together and improve yourself.

Truedemocracy4 · 2019-02-07T20:16:37+00:00

Getting. A woman. Flowers. On a date.

Viralimpulse · 2019-02-07T20:58:50+00:00

Misconception about dating, people are giving their best effort. I thought the girls that showed interest in me eould give their best effort but they didn't. Didn't have much communication, didn't offer to hang out much, etc. Also didn't realize dating 3-4 guys was a thing. Probably because i only ever had the option of 1 girl at a time.

itiswr1tten · 2019-02-07T22:46:10+00:00

Soul mates are just really intense histocompatibility. There are hundreds of them out there for you. It's not magic, it's biological responsiveness. Past the NRE or honeymoon phase it's the partnership that keeps it going, so you're putting in the work no matter what.

Men must experience abundance or quantity to have a clue what quality is in a woman. The reason for this is default male approach is to commit to the first thing that likes you back. Potentially quality women will be shitty to anyone who over invests in them

All love is conditional, but a woman's love is conditional upon not only current performance, but performance relative to what she thinks is available. Said differently, what's good enough is a constantly moving goal post for her. This isn't true for men.

Being a top 20% male is getting easier every day.

Sometimes you beat the competition just by showing up.

trail22 · 2019-02-08T04:08:53+00:00

That personality and hard work can make up for looks. Yeah if you are attracted to conventional looking women, if you arent a conventional guy (White, tall) you are out of luck.

For some guys it doesnt matter how many friends they have, ho much you make, or how good of shape you are in, no girl will get to know you if you arent the right height, race, or looks.

cn283 · 2019-02-08T14:54:17+00:00

I learned that people are more fucked up and damaged than I originally thought. I also learned that a lot of guys view relationships as a "what do I get out of it" vs a partnership that benefits both parties.

Finding someone that you are attracted to, share's your values, your sex drive, and sense of humor is almost impossible to find. I didn't realize how truly rare my relationship was until I started talking other people online and IRL.

Also people are REALLY weird about sex. It's good, bad, evil, the most important thing, and not a big deal all at the same time.

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passepar2t · 2019-02-07T20:20:56+00:00

This entire OP

decoy88 · 2019-02-08T09:23:09+00:00

“It’s good to be a little jealous”

No.

Jealousy isn’t required at all, not to let the other person know you care, not to protect yourself from getting hurt.

It is an entirely useless emotion.

above_theclouds_ · 2019-02-09T10:54:18+00:00

For me it was that I realized women actually wanted sex. Stupid right? I grew up learning that I should not think and be sexual with women. Guess how this turned out... I stayed without sex and girlfriend for a very long time. I started working on myself and it finally happened. I landed in my bed with a girl I only met a few times. She wanted to have sex with me really bad and my mind was blown.

The strangest part was that I couldn't have told what she wanted from me beforehand. I'm still really bad at reading women.

Title	What are some misconceptions about dating/romance/sex you've realised?
Author	CamoWoobie10
Upvotes	7
Comments	122
Date	February 7, 2019 7:35 PM UTC (7 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/ao7k4i/what_are_some_misconceptions_about/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/what-are-some-misconceptions-about.257366 https://theredarchive.com/post/257366

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