Boyfriend mentioning ex constantly.

Firework55 · 2017-05-17T00:53:51+00:00

Let him go. Sounds like he's wasting your time , and you will lose respect for him sooner or later. You're wasting your youth and child bearing years on a guy that would without hesitation leave you and your future children for this other woman. No disrespect intended ; you'll always be option #2 and deep down you know it

RubyWooToo · 2017-05-17T10:46:28+00:00

NEXT!

If he's waxing on and on about his ex, and still nursing a broken heart, then he shouldn't be in a relationship with you or anyone else.

I was in a similar situation once, and I sympathized and made excuses for the guy. The last straw was when he mentioned this box in his closet that was taking up too much room. I said, "Just throw it out." He said, "Well it had (ex's) things and she might come back for them." It had been 2 YEARS since she dumped his ass and never looked back.

That's when I realized that she probably had the right idea and I should follow her lead. Then for a long time afterward, he complained to people (and probably other women who had the misfortune to date him) about how I was the one who got away!

seekingtruth10 · 2017-05-17T02:17:20+00:00

Are you going to settle for someone who sees you as second best? This dude has serious oneitis if he has a girlfriend and is still obsessing over his ex 7 years after the fact.

HobbesTheBrave · 2017-05-17T09:32:09+00:00

She dumped him about 7 years ago and left him broken hearted. I know he isn't over what happened between them. I wonder if she is his one true love, even though he cares about me very much and wants a future together. I trust him in that sense, which is a plus. He is a good guy.

Respectfully, if she dumps him, she didn't want him. And if he also wants her more, more than he wants you, then you really ought to let him go. I can't stress that enough.

cynicalhousewife · 2017-05-17T02:05:17+00:00

I think you need to tell him that it bothers you, and ask him if he's fully moved on. If he hasn't fully moved on I would consider your options.

yuithegraceful · 2017-05-17T10:51:25+00:00

This is not a situation you want to be in. If your current partner expresses feelings of love for an ex or some other woman. You should reevaluate your own position with him.

Men are the gatekeepers of commitment. Your boyfriend sounds like the male version of Alpha Widow. He still wants her. Not you.

TeleportingToYerMoms · 2017-05-17T01:37:14+00:00

I know you love your man and you're finding justifications on why he's a good man now, but the important thing is whether or not he's moved on from her. I find it disrespectful of him to talk about his ex to you, although I suppose that's better than not knowing what's going on in his mind at all. Always, always be critical in this sort of situations so you'll have a counterbalance against your heart which loves him so.

Sarah_Connor_Is_Fab · 2017-05-17T14:18:32+00:00

If you're okay pkaying second fiddle in his heart to another woman, then stay. It sounds like thats what youre looking to do.

PeopleHateThisGuy · 2017-05-17T14:52:44+00:00

Clearly he isn't over his ex. You can't be in a relationship with someone that is still emotionally invested in someone else. I am not advising you to break up, but you should pause the relationship and let him know it won't continue until she is truly in his past.

tempintheeastbay · 2017-05-17T18:39:11+00:00

Oh OP...I really, really feel you. I struggle with jealousy around exes a lot, sometimes I think I'm more jealous of people from the past than people in the present. I don't care if my BF checks out a waitress at dinner but a woman he loved, pledged loyalty to? That's so painful!

I've had to wrestle with how to get over these feelings, but also to figure out when they're legitimate warning signs and when they're not. It sounds very much like you already know in your heart that your BF isn't over his ex and that these ramblings are warning signs, not innocuous. Trust your intuition here.

To give you some more detailed comps, this is how my male friend who is OVER his ex (but who he was with for like 6 years) describes a time in their lives (proper nouns changed for anonymity):

"Spain? Oh yeah, I went there like 2 years ago with my ex. We actually went to Pamploma, it was awesome. She almost got gored...the food was amazing....[transitions away from parts of the story that involve her]"

I think he may have called her "ballsy" or something in the course of that story but nothing more complimentary than that.

When my BF tells me about his past relationships (I do recognize what /u/narcissistic_walrus is saying about that as a way to bond and share stories), it's focused on HIM and what HE learned and went through. For instance, "That was a really hard time in my life when I really wanted someone to X" and "I realized Y about myself."

To contrast, I have male friends who say things like...

"She was always so funny" "My ex was craaazy, she'd want us to go on these super spontaneous trips but they ended up being really cool, this one time she said..."

Those guys are not over their ex.

When someone says, "I used to go to that bar all the time with my ex, I'm so sad they knocked it down" it is very hard to tell which of these 2 camps they fall into. Hence, trust your own intuition. Does he recognize her positive traits because he's an evolved guy who wants to share his past with you, and telling those stories truthfully inevitably involves saying some nice stuff about her? Or is he brooding on those qualities?

md8716 · 2017-05-17T23:59:34+00:00

I've been reading the convos on this thread, but I've come to two conclusions:

he's not over her and you seem like a convenient placeholder for him. Guys who are in love with the girl they are with typically don't pine for exes, especially if the relationship is relatively new.
you complain about him but then defend him. Chances are, you probably won't leave him no matter what he does.

It just really struck me that you could easily do better if you had the opportunity.

This has all the makings of a boring, lukewarm marriage in the future.

testmypatience · 2017-05-17T01:42:42+00:00

I always talk about ex partners in annecdotes. They were a part of my life and the events in that life. To remove that portion of my life is ridiculous. Usually it was ex partners that I did not like to talk to or deal with.

The ex that I left last year I did care about the most I had cared about and loved anyone in my entire life other than my kids. I still think about stories when I talk with my friends as those things were adventures and events that happened with her and to separate her out is like trying to remove the eggs from already cooked cake.

There are times when a man or woman isn't able to emotionally commit to a new partner just yet but that isn't always the case.

In my case I will move on with someone I want to make a life with when it comes time even though in my subconsious I still have feelings for my ex. Having feelings for my ex does not mean I'd be with her again... at least not in the way she was at the end as a person. It is highly unlikely for that change to occur because her behavior was deeply ingrained issues that only emerged under certain circumstances for me to witness.

When I did start new relationships with new people in the past it tended to be shortly after I ended a long relationship with someone that I at the time didn't want to leave. Those new relationships however overtook my emotional attention and aided in making old feelings go away for the previous partner.

He was with this person for a very long time and if he cared about her deeply then it will be deeply ingrained in the subconscious. It isn't something you will away. Can you will away depression, sadness, or frustration? Nope. You just get through it until it no longer is affecting you.

seekingtruth10 · 2017-05-17T14:47:41+00:00

How long were they together? Was he his first?

Occasionally we all mention our ex's. We all have an ex something. Have you talked to him?

I would bring it up: "I care deeply for you and because I feel like we are both in the present and want a future together, to me it is important that we put the past and past relationships behind us. I feel heartbroken when you mention your ex because it makes me feel like she was your one true love, that you're not over her, and that I am replaceable by her. I want to feel confident in us and this is eating away at me and making it hard for me to feel unwavering about our relationship status. I love you and want to be with you. Can we discuss her? Can we stop bringing up the past?" Then I'd ask if you bring something up or if you hurt him.

Sometimes guys are idiots and legit have no idea. But he has to know you are feeling this way. You have to break it down and tell him.

Relationships can get through ANYTHING if you can talk through it.

SouthernAthena · 2017-05-17T17:19:22+00:00

I'd definitely let him know it bothers you, and do it every time he brings her up. Personally I've never had the rule of "never talk a about exes ever" because they are part of your life story and shape who you are today. However, emotional or sexual comments can be very upsetting and I think are both hurtful and TMI. If he continues to disregard your feelings after several times (if he doesn't stop immediately), let him go.

BlitheCalamity · 2017-05-18T00:26:45+00:00

Have you expressed any of this to him?

sunshine99ss · 2017-05-18T11:03:06+00:00

If it is just anectotes, then perhaps it is because the two of them were together for so long,that nearly all of the stories that he has happen to involve her. I was married for a very long time to a guy who I had known since childhood.I have almost no stories about my past that do not involve him. I once dated a guy who was married for almost 20 years and he was the same way. We even talked about how it is considered a bad sign to talk about exes on a date but that would mean not talking about 20 years of a life story.

castawayc · 2017-05-19T18:28:24+00:00

I think it's disrespectful to mention exes in any present relationship. I think it is permissible when explaining a specific situation and how you learned from it.

I think it brings up unnecessary questions on both ends. It's disrespectful for him to be nostalgic and reminiscent about any other woman except for his mother.

If anything, heartbreak should harden a man.

I agree with a lot of the other comments, let go and respect yourself first and foremost.

narcissistic_walrus · 2017-05-17T01:57:43+00:00

I could probably give some insight. I had a girlfriend that I dated for 8 years 16-24, lived together for two years.

We have been broken up for about 5 years now and I still talk about her periodically, my current gf of 3 years might say I do more.

There are many reasons I talk about her. For one, we have a long shared history, we did everything together and most of my stories don't make sense without including her.

But there is a more important reason. Your bf was in a serious relationship fairly young. Doing some quick math says 20-28 roughly. That tells me a couple of things.

First, is that he invests a lot emotionally in his relationships. He seeks and is capable of deep bonding with someone. He invests heavily in that one relationship.

Second, is that this relationship played a very important part of forming the person he is today.

Putting those two things together, and it may seem twisted, but he is actually using these stories to form a deeper bond with you. He wants you to understand who he is and what made him the man he is today. Without understanding where he came from... how can you understand who he is today?

I know I spoke about my ex a lot in the first year I dated my current gf. Gradually I felt more and more understood and comfortable with her, and it eventually stopped or lessened. I think when he is telling these stories do not get annoyed with him but listen and try to understand what he is REALLY telling you. I bet it will be less about her and more about him. The odd bit of reminiscing will pass as you two build your own shared history.

TheBunk_TB · 2017-05-17T00:55:09+00:00

Dont sweat it. I know who I have at home. I never forgot my ex and I care about her but the woman in my life is the only one. Tell him you want to be number one.

LeftShark86 · 2017-05-17T01:38:27+00:00

How do you not know much of their story? Obviously, this was an incredibly important event in your boyfriend's life. You don't care about his past, though it's so blatantly affecting the present and your future? Maybe it would be a good idea to learn more about the situation. Just talking about it may allow him more closure than he's had before.

Title	Boyfriend mentioning ex constantly.
Author	seekingtruth10
Upvotes	12
Comments	107
Date	May 17, 2017 12:30 AM UTC (9 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/6ble4c/boyfriend_mentioning_ex_constantly/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/boyfriend-mentioning-ex-constantly.87312 https://theredarchive.com/post/87312

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