Let’s talk about not texting him first

EviessVeralan · 2021-10-12T03:34:57+00:00

I personally think those kind of mind games are a waste of time.

diamandisonskidrow · 2021-10-12T02:42:03+00:00

Virtually everything RP/traditionally minded I have EVER read (even pop psy fluff like "he's just not that into you") says don't text him first, he has to contact you first, men are wired to pursue you blah blah blah. But I have definitely missed out on several potential mates by sticking to this, I'm assuming because a guy who is used to not-traditionally-minded women is expecting me to make a move and when I don't they take it as non interest and move on.

I've also had more than one married guy tell me their wives made the first move/pursued them first, and it made them feel way more confident/etc (knowing she desired them) and, well, clearly they ended up married so it worked out. So I think about this a lot, and wonder. But then, do I really WANT a guy who needs me to make the first move? Does that say something about his character, his drive, & potentially certain personality traits we don't want?

SunshineSundress · 2021-10-12T04:47:23+00:00

I think understanding how IOIs (Indicator of Interest) work really helps clear up some of this up.

Texting him first is a great IOI that can let a guy you’re interested in know that you’re also interested in him. If you don’t give men enough IOIs, the chances of him making a move, especially if he’s not a RP PUA type (and from the discussions that pop up around here every month or so about how many of y’all don’t want RP men, I’m assuming a non-RP/PUA type is who most of you are dealing with), is particularly low. Life isn’t a Lifetime movie where the Quirky Girl^TM who is the only one not to show interest in the Male Lead will be the one who will get his attention. In reality, playing hard to get will most likely result in you feeling ignored and unnoticed.

On the flip side, we can also use IOIs to gauge men’s level of interest in us. If you text him often and he often responds nonchalantly or not at all, that’s probably a good sign he’s not that into you. He isn’t uninterested because you texted you first - he’s uninterested because he’s not into you. If you had to act mysterious in order to get his attention, how do you think he’ll act when you’re in a committed relationship and your mysteriousness takes a nose dive? Use his reactions to your own enthusiasm as a gauge for his attraction and level of investment in you. If he seems uninterested, then he is. No hard feelings and you just go on your merry little way.

Nandemodekiru · 2021-10-12T04:24:04+00:00

For me, it backfired. After our first date, I waited for him to text first, and he never did. Didn’t hear back from him for months until I received a FB message at midnight saying “Yo what’s up”.

Pretty sure I got downgraded. Never doing that again. Now if I’m interested in someone again, I’ll let him know. I made the mistake of playing a game, and I messed up. Better to just be completely transparent and go from there.

-ladykitsune- · 2021-10-12T04:17:14+00:00

I personally think that once you start thinking about ‘texting rules’ it’s just going to start inducing anxiety.

I’ve texted first and turned guys off. Waited for the guy to text first and he never did. Or waited for him to text first and he did, but then got resentful because I ‘wasn’t showing enough interest’. There’s really no rules to texting.

The only healthy relationship I’ve ever been in, texting flowed naturally between the two of us. I never even thought about it. I can’t actually remember which one of us texted first because neither of us was ‘keeping score’ (we broke up due to distance, and it is still the best/most respectful relationship I’ve ever had)

Looking back through my own past experiences, I think you should do what feels natural (and by natural I mean what feels CALM for you to do, not the anxiety inducing ‘oh my goodness I really want to talk to him I must text him to know if he’s still thinking about me!’ Kind of text)

You will turn off some guys, but if you’re doing what makes you feel natural, calm and peaceful, then only the guys who are not compatible with your communication methods are turned away. And that’s a great thing IMO.

Key-Progress-8873 · 2021-10-12T08:52:40+00:00

Women are told that men are wired to chase and it's a mistake to text first.

Men are told that approaching first all the time shows you're needy, have no abundance, or is conducive to training yourself to seek female validation.

Like others said, just be normal. Do what makes sense. Both of the above seem ridiculous to me at this point, as is having a rule about "texting first/texting second". Seems arbitrary.

pendragonstark · 2021-10-12T04:36:01+00:00

So this is for when I first start talking to a guy. I try to match the flow of conversation. For me guys always initiate the very first text and I’d say I’m pretty good at keeping a text conversation going. If a guy ever replies with a one word text or a reply that doesn’t allow for the conversation to keep going, I don’t text back. If he initiates later on then I’ll be a little more confident that he’s into me.

Once the relationship is more established and we know we both have feelings for each other, I initiate more by sending random memes/vids/etc or just talking about my day. But I prefer phone calls or FaceTime to texting so most days we send only a few texts and then catch up over FaceTime at night.

CountTheBees · 2021-10-12T06:25:42+00:00

It depends. I think what that rule means is, "don't be the first to indicate sexual or romantic interest". Reason being: it can come off desperate, it can put guys off even if they were interested, and if he's too shy to even say that he wants you, he isn't alpha enough to be the leader in the relationship, or, he doesn't care about you enough. Either one or all of the above, or some I've missed.

As soon as you've been on a date, however, that rule is out because by accepting the date you have indicated that you return his sexual or romantic interest. Cat's out of the bag. You think he's yummy and he knows it, based on the first date you guys just had.

My personal experience? After the first date with my first proper LTR, I could tell he was a bit put off by some of the stuff I told him during the date (understandably! I was messy back then, oh wait, still am. Just in a different way). So I texted him after a couple of days of radio silence, and asked him out on a second date. During the second date we made a plan to fix the things I (correctly) guessed had put him off on the first. And voila, happy relationship.

AEIrene · 2021-10-12T10:32:26+00:00

If a guy seems to like you, and you then texted him first, and this makes him lose interest, did he really like you in the first place? I see it as a way of just weeding out the guys that aren’t genuinely interested in you. Guys who DO like you would only appreciate it!

I must admit that I too used these strategies before. But then at some point I realized that my passiveness made me stick around in these situations of unclarity whether a boy liked me yes or no. I thought that I could make a boy like me through ‘absence’. But then I realized that the only way to build a connection is through contact! And that I don’t want a guy to like me because I was a challenge for him, but because of who I am. And how can he get to know me if we aren’t talking?

When I started thinking like that, I was able to quickly find out whether a guy liked me or not, and move on to the next one! No more spending months and months in these anxiety-inducing situations. And not soon after I started dating with this approach, I met my now boyfriend after being single for 4 years. And you know when he fell for me? When I showed him that I was serious and that I was interested in him by texting him first. :)

zino193 · 2021-10-12T10:41:46+00:00

Nice- fun topic.

So speaking as a dude - I love it - it lifts the guess work, and sets up another date where the pressure will be off as she confirmed she likes me.

Speaking as someone that has females "friends" in the dating market and a few sisters. And can see how they text first and then fall in to investing time with the "not that into you" crowd or not texting and losing out on good men that just aren't as head strong and persistent... don't text. Again as a dude, if there's a date on the table - with a enthusiastic woman - I will take it, even if I am not that into her.

Men actually don't need you to make appointments with them like you do in order to become more invested. But they do need to know you are into them at all. And just existing and not calling the cops - is not a strong enough indicator you like them - for most men. All the men that tell you they want a text, are actually asking for confirmation of where they stand and a text is the best "modern" women are willing to offer.

If you are standoffish at the approach, reserved and analytical during the date, want to wait for physical intimacy and not willing to text first - only a sociopath will persist and pursue. You don't need to escalate - but you do need to invest, confirm and validate the level of the relationship at which you are/want to be.

If you are the more "modern" girl - the one that is socially awkward, physically less comfortable and a bit insecure - you need to compensate that by proactively making steps to meet the guy you want by doing the approach, calling him back and confirming you loved seeing them, and even bringing up a committed relationship in the dreaded "what are we?" conversation.

Jenneapolis · 2021-10-12T02:48:12+00:00

I will but only if I have some very specific news, a picture to share, a question, or I haven’t heard from him in 24 hours (new relationship). Otherwise the “how is your day” type of every day texting is driven by him. This is how I prefer it, I honestly don’t want to have to manage the relationship in that way but still want to make sure he knows I’m putting in the effort.

BroChapeau · 2021-10-12T15:44:49+00:00

Personally, I don't like it when women make the first move. It ignores the wisdom of using the requirement for bold action as a powerful filter. I call to invite her out.

However, after the first couple of dates I don't typically contact her first. Much like real life non-verbal indications of interest, in my experience a woman will send a check-in text when she wants to feel a guy's presence/energy. Then all I must do is take action.

Don't fight your natural inclination to reach out when you feel it. Actually, try not to block your vulnerability/openness in any area of your relationship. Pay attention to how he responds.

If a woman doesn't contact me, it means she's not interested/attracted enough to break whatever rules she has and reach out to ask for my presence. Smart men take action, but only after assessing the situation. Because women do the choosing; always have always will.

xoxobenji · 2021-10-12T12:00:08+00:00

I think it depends. When I first started talking to my SO I never texted him first, not because I was playing a mind game but because I wanted to give him space and not feel pressured. On the flip side he was talking to another girl who ruined her chances by texting too much and having high expectations.

banalchenal · 2021-10-14T06:18:58+00:00

I don't like men who aren't forward and confident, so deliberately not texting first screens out men who wouldn't work for me. If he doesn't pursue me he's either too timid, or he's just not interested.

This has always been my approach and it's always worked very well for me.

emmalai85 · 2021-10-12T02:24:37+00:00

I... want to text him about 5000000x a day, I've learned to write hm emails and when he has time, he texts me that he loves me, and respond back. I dont' want to be... a pain in the butt... we are working on it... after 16 years :P I text based on when I think it may be acceptable and if I'm not sure, I write him an email and he gets back to me via text.

Ethman2k9 · 2021-10-12T03:20:52+00:00

If you were dating me I would assume weren’t interested 🤷‍♂️. Some girls like texting a lot, some less. I like some but not 24 hours a day. I mean most of my dude friends I go multiple days without speaking to, even my closest ones so. Yeah a lot of guys aren’t used to traditionally minded girls and unfortunately you have to realize that’s the dating mannerisms of the country you live in. Talk to whoever you’re on a date with and figure it out. Don’t be all gung ho stick to your guns, dudes don’t like that.

virphirod · 2021-10-13T01:24:49+00:00

if you're interested, make the first move. Don't wait. Don't be like "other women". Be different. A lot of men love confident woman (but not too overconfident).

Just a simple "Hi" can make everything better. Communication is the key to every relationship

MidnightKnight86 · 2021-10-13T01:39:00+00:00

The problem is and has been for a loooooong time is that people are still trying to follow outdated rules of dating. Thing that worked for your grandparents.

If you like him, text him first. People miss out on potentially great things trying to follow old, outdated dating rules.

I think one of the problems is the way women think about dating and sex.

For a man dating/sex is something they do. For a woman dating/sex is something that is done to them.

So text him first. Pay for a date. Buy him random gifts.

Artistic-Match-5051 · 2021-10-16T12:24:01+00:00

You should text first, it shows interest & will drop a hint that your into him. He should then in turn ask you out ? In an LTR it shows you're thinking about him. Which will increase his attraction. Rocket surgery? I think not

Title	Let’s talk about not texting him first
Author	rosesonthefloor
Upvotes	25
Comments	50
Date	October 12, 2021 2:00 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/q6bhhb/lets_talk_about_not_texting_him_first/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/lets-talk-about-not-texting-him-first.1080006 https://theredarchive.com/post/1080006

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