Hi RPW,

When I started here we used to talk about alpha and beta traits. These were terms to define traits that we were looking for or NOT looking for in a partner. Your balance of alpha and beta may be different than mine but we had some language to talk about men.

Along the line, that changed to talking about "high value men" and this seems to be getting in the way of giving advice.

  • Yes. We believe in hypergamy. A woman seeks the best man she can get in her circles.

  • Yes. We believe that women are attracted to status, money, sex appeal (ability to get women).

  • Yes. We all view our partners as "high value"

  • And for the love of all that is good, YES we believe in vetting, vetting, vetting.

The problem arises because, your high value may not be mine. Further, my tolerance for certain traits or behaviors and my need for others likely does not match yours. We end up with women who ask for advice and make the statement that her man is high value. Comments flood in telling her that she is wrong.

This is bad.

We want to help salvage the salvageable. Negging someone's partner is not going to aid in salvaging a relationship. Even when her man is A Problem, if she sees him as high value, she isn't going to suddenly change her tune because an internet stranger says "no he's not high value". More is needed.

Every woman wants a partner who is high value to her what that means is unique to her. Further, men cannot define what is "high value" to women. They often come in here with their own ideas of the term. When we spoke in terms of alpha and beta, there was a rationale there. When a man comes in and tells us that someone's boyfriend is 'high value' it is often because of his own view of what he thinks that women think is important and in very many cases it misses the mark. Don't blame it all on men though. Women can be guilty of the same.

It is my deeply held belief that the term is getting in the way of giving good actionable advice and of truly understanding what is going on within a relationship.

For Back to Basics today, I am reposting the series on Vetting. It is classic and should be read by every RPW in the dating market.

But my plea to you today is to banish the term High Value Man from the sub. Let's talk about men. Let's help other women find the best man they can get. Let's encourage them away from men who are not good for them. But let's stop arguing about whether and OP's man is "high value" or not. It's not getting us anywhere.

This isn't a rule. We aren't going to mod for it. It is my deep and abiding plea to you all to focus on definable, consistent terms.