Attraction and Desire – What I learned from taking estrogen and living as a girl

I’ve made a couple of posts already that are largely informed by my experience of gender transition.

This is a topic I have both wanted to write about, but also held off doing. It is recent enough that I can still know and relate to it, but have also changed enough that I am detached. In short, a good balance to discuss it accurately.

Before I start I’ll be disclosing about an assumption I hold with this:

My interpretation is that my sexuality, attraction, and desires became close enough to girls generally, that to describe them could be useful to people here.

 

After starting estrogen, and beginning to take steps towards living as a girl, my sexuality altered. This happened gradually, but consistently.

In the earlier stages, where a lot was new to me, I spent a lot of time trying to understand and make sense of things that were changing at an emotional level, I was becoming more submissive in my thoughts and feelings, desires. Submissiveness, or to use a less loaded term, receptiveness, became core to my sexuality, feelings and attractions.

 

What is it like to slip into a sexual / submissive mindset?

It is like your rationality slides away, on a neurological level there is a flooding that takes place. What exactly changes I am unsure, but on some level it is overwhelming, intoxicating. Senses heighten, breathing quickens. I would have a visceral feeling of being incredibly vulnerable and open, the usual defences (intellect, humour, conversational control) those take place at a level of rationality that has faded into the background.

As an aside, one phenomenon you will know as a girl giving you “the eyes”. This is something I have done to guys, and I once consciously brought myself into that mindset in front of a mirror, to try to assess what it looks like.

My eyes would widen, lips slightly apart, head tilted downwards slightly to be able to look up at someone. I’d feel smaller, might bring my arms close to me, my body would freeze, and I’d have a strong desire for someone to touch, hold, control or direct me.

Now, some takeaways from this.

1. Desire takes place at an emotional level. Internalise this. You want to bring a girl into an emotional state where her mind shuts down, slips away, and feelings are what is left. This is where her desire lies. Intellect and rationality actually just overcomplicate something quite simple. Most women, on a biological level, want to submit to men.
2. For a girl, being in this state may make her feel incredibly vulnerable, especially If she is submissive and open with it – Shit tests, comfort tests etc. They are a protective mechanism to answer a simple question. Is he man enough for me to submit to, and is it safe for me to do so?

 

A note on some of the darker aspects to submissive sexuality.

You can easily be attracted to things that, if experienced, would be damaging to the self. I won’t elaborate on this point, but to paint a brief picture. Guys who are dangerous, or violent. Display psychopathic or dark triad tendencies. The “R” word. Abusive behavior, emotional manipulation.

All of this, on some level, can cause attraction, and for many girls, their fantasies or desires will contain tinges of it. This does not mean they actually want it explicitly, but that those kind of desires can be beneath the surface.

Girls may hamster this away as “I like a guy who shows passion”. That is true, but that particular rabbit hole can go much deeper.

 

I was lucky in many ways, due to transitioning I wasn’t exposed to the kind of attention and sexual advances that girls get from a young age. I was inexperienced, but intelligent enough to be selective with who I looked for. I essentially came up with a checklist of traits I knew I desired in a guy. I’ll list them and explain way.

Tall – For many reasons, but I was also tall for a girl, and tended to notice that guys who would find me the most attractive would be tall themselves. My suspicion is that to some tall guys, height in a girl can be an accentuating feature.

Masculine – I wanted a guy who was capable of protecting me, strong. That I could feel both safe and feminine with.

Intelligent – Being submissive towards someone puts you into a frame of mind where you place them above you, look up to them, think of them as superior. This is a curious one because I actually consider myself equal to anyone I meet, but for some strange emotional / sexual reason this is very much not the case when I was in the right frame of mind with a guy. So intelligent I looked for, because to feel this way truly with a guy felt natural when he was of similar intelligence.

Dominant – This one doesn’t need explaining. I wanted to be submissive with someone who desired and could bring that out in me.

Experienced – I was inexperienced, and wanted a guy who knew what he wanted and desired. Was comfortable and experienced with women and could project that.

 

Now I have emphasised that feminine attraction is emotional. As a result it is also volatile, I remember having this epiphany. I was laying in bed, clutching my phone and thinking about a guy, wondering if he was still attracted to me, and feeling insecure. Probably one of my most masculine moments.

I realised that I was projecting my own volatility of attraction onto him. I had in the past, felt the experience of being very attracted to a guy, and then suddenly a day – or hell even an hour later – being unsure or unattracted, and so was projecting this to him. After realizing I was doing this, I could think rationally “My appearance hasn’t changed, I haven’t done or said anything that would cause him to lose attraction, therefore he hasn’t” And he hadn’t and I was being idiotic, letting my emotions and insecurities run away with me. I have had a number of epiphany moments like that during this process.

Another situation this happened I was in a bed with a guy, crying whilst he had his arm around me. I was feeling embarrassed that I was crying, but couldn’t not. It wasn’t that I was sad or regretful – we knew each other well and I liked him - but I was inexperienced and we’d been intimate and so was feeling overwhelmed. I was apologising for being emotional, but was struck that he really didn’t seem to be phased by it. This was interesting enough to snap me out of it a little, and I asked if this happens a lot with girls. He laughed and said sometimes. Thinking that guys have to deal with this with girls commonly, and to a point where they just are unphased by it, somehow made the whole thing seem absurd to me, and I came out of it.

Controlling emotional states is since something I have gotten quite good at, meditation helps a ton, so does not having estrogen in your blood stream, but at the time it was a new experience for me, to snap out of an emotional reality in that way, and understand how // why.

 

Another aspect to attraction and sexuality is – for girls who look for healthy relationships at least – attachment.

Oxytocin, the bonding hormone, becomes far more involved in sexuality and attraction. Wanting to give yourself to someone, open up to them, connect with. The two sides of the attraction coin, desiring someone who can be rough, dominant, lead and command. Yet also care for, protect, own.

Someone who can make your mind to swim with the briefest sexual suggestion, but also flood at the thought of him holding you. My own view, at least of my sexuality and desires back then, is that this form of connection, with a man who is masculine and projects that, and just by his presence, attitude, brings out femininity, submissiveness and affection in you. That is where a healthy dynamic lies. (whether it is healthy for someone born male to be in that dynamic is another question, my view now is no, but fuck it – it is an experience I have had, right or wrong)

Fortunately I did find a guy like that. Ticked all my boxes, and some I never knew I had. 6’2”, older, dominant, successful, masculine, muscular, intelligent. Just getting to know him has taught me more about what it is to be a complete, together man, and the nature of what female // male attraction comes down to. He was attracted to trans girls as well as girls. One thing I learnt was that if I knew a guy was attracted to trans girls, I knew he would be attracted to me. I was interested in guys who desired me that way. Not because they were drunk and wanted to fuck around, or because they had spun the porn wheel of roulette a few too many times and landed on “tranny”. Was interested in the kind of guy who was masculine, confident, attracted to trans girls and completely fine with it. Whether that attraction was heterosexual, bi, or whatever didn’t bother me. I just wanted him to be comfortable with his sexuality, masculine and desire me for my femininity.

 

Lastly some random thoughts

1. Sexuality, desire, attraction – A large part of this takes place at a biological level. Hormones factor significantly.

2. Seducing and attracting women is – or can be – quite a simple process. Be strong, independent, project masculinity, play with her emotions, slip her into submissiveness, realise that she will become like an emotional child when attracted. Girls will put barriers in the way, their intellect will kick in “Don’t sleep with him on a first date” “Make sure you can trust him”. They will want to talk as equals, get to know you, understand you. Don’t do this, or if you do let it happen very slowly, over time, let her unravel the masculine mystery that is you, and have thoughts like “I feel so strongly about him, but I don’t even know him…..”

3. A Dynamic of being equal, discussing intellectually or openly, is not conducive to a masculine // feminine dynamic of desiring and connecting. Some girls may be able to navigate both realms, but to make it easy, it is best to stick to the latter. Keep your actual thoughts, intellect and frank discussion to guys and friends.

4. Keep her at arm’s length… she will be constantly wanting to bring herself closer to you, provoking your thoughts, trying to understand you, wanting to get a sense for where she stands with you. A girl wondering all of that is far more manageable, and will show desire for you more freely, than if she does know you and your mind. Now for good quality girls, if you never share parts of yourself, let her feel connected and that she understands you on some level this will be a red flag to her. I explicitly looked for guys that I could connect with and understand, but also knew enough to realise I felt attraction more strongly the more mystery there was. Balancing that can be hard, and frankly only worth doing for LTR material.

5. Never show weakness to a girl, ever. Opening up about something that is troubling you, whatever it is. Girls will never admit this. I myself actually thought I wanted guys to open up to me if things were troubling them. Do not fall for this trick, at most you gain nothing from it, at worst it will kill her attraction and she’ll reassess you.

6. Mixing dominance with affection creates a mental cocktail that is an incredibly strong drug to a girl. Learn to balance this and you can bring her to points where she will want to say “I love you” just from what you are causing her to feel.

7. Don’t take estrogen – it will change you significantly, and undoing the process and returning to masculinity will be, mentally, extremely difficult. Probably not a piece of advice any of you will need, but worth mentioning!

With any luck there will be some things in here useful or of interest.