I've seen a lot of posts recently about men bailing on the institution of marriage. In general, this is a wise decision. Western society has simply created too many disincentives for marriage for men, especially successful ones. Nevertheless, marriage may still be useful if a man wants to have a family.

All that said, don't take this post as an argument for choosing to marry. It's not. In fact, although I am married, I'd agree that it's typically a really bad deal. Instead, this post is for those who want to get married for whatever reason, or who already are.

I'm going to give a bulleted list below, but the main theme that ties this post together is simple: maintaining frame is even more important in a marriage than in other relationships. This is the single biggest mistake married men make. They think: "Well, I'm married, I can relax now." Fuck no you can't, not unless you want to trash your marriage from the start. So, keep that in mind as we go down this list.

  1. Remember that women will never respect a weak man. Really, no one respects a weak man, but we've all been lied to; we've been told that once you're married, it's okay to "show your true feelings" or some silly shit like that. No, you cannot. While you dated, you could treat your composure like an on/off switch. Now, your wife will have access to you in a near constant way. You can't fake it any more. You can't just hold frame, you have to be a well framed man. It's a big difference, and most men just don't do it.

  2. Maintain discipline and set an example within your household. This is particularly important for financial decisions. It should be very clear that you will not stand for dumbass spending on frivolous shit. This does indeed go both ways, however. If you do not provide a good financial example, don't expect her to make good decisions while you do not. This also applies to fitness. If you become a fat slob, why would you expect her to maintain her fitness levels?

  3. There are two types of decisions in a marriage: those which are trivial and those which matter. On the former, I don't make decisions. I don't waste my time on it. This includes stuff like, "What are we going to do for dinner." On the latter, I make the decision and accept responsibility for it. This includes things like, "Do I take job X in location A or job Y in location B." She will have much input, but remember that you will be held responsible for the outcome. That means that even if the decision was entirely hers, and the plan goes to shit, you are responsible. Remember the military axiom: if you are responsible, by God, you make the call. However, you must not stress over trivial shit. If it's not going to have a big impact, a thing should not change your emotional state even one iota. Nothing screams weakness like a stress-monster.

  4. She will try to take things from you that do not put focus on her. I have always been into athletics. I lift, run, box and do BJJ, and did so when I met my wife. Over time, I'd hear the phrase, "You're choosing <<insert thing here>> over me." Now, my wife is a top-tier woman, but all women will resort to this type of reasoning. It is part of their nature. If she's in a jovial mood during this test, I say something to the effect of, "I do it for you!" If she turns serious, I say simply: "This is part of what I am, and I never hid this from you; it's not changing. Take that information and do with it whatever you wish, but I need to go train. I'll see you in a bit."

  5. If an argument is getting emotional, separate immediately. When an argument becomes emotional, you are wasting your time engaging in it. Spend that time doing something else. One technique is to go to a nice bar-restaurant alone and have a good meal and some drinks. This serves an additional purpose in addition to saving you time and energy; it serves as negative reinforcement of bad behavior.

  6. Make sound decisions. This follows from Rule #3. You are responsible for your household. Others depend on you. There's lots of talk about being an "alpha" on this forum, but the true definition is a leader of a pack. Good leaders make sound decisions which benefit their organization. In this case, your organization is your household.

  7. Treat your family with respect. Your family is your team. The world is a playing field and all others in it are your opponents. But, like athletes, your family can become free agents. If you make bad decisions or abuse them, you can expect them to abandon you, and they should. Why would anyone with a modicum of self respect allow themselves to be abused? Why would someone allow themselves to live in squalor because of poor financial choices on your part? Sure, many faulty women will, but if you have chosen properly then you won't have a faulty one. This brings us to the final point.

  8. Choose wisely. If you choose to get married, you are giving a woman considerable ability to screw you over. As we all know, AWALT and all that, but don't kid yourselves: some women are much, much better than others. If you decide to get in the market for a potential marriage partner, remember that you, not her are now doing the choosing. All things should be scrutinized. What are her friends like; are they trashy? Is her family dysfunctional? What is her credit score? Does she exercise regularly? These questions, and others, must be considered. While no single flag may be a disqualifier, if you start seeing patterns, you should seriously consider the future of the relationship. Ask yourself this: if the zombie apocalypse broke out tomorrow, would you pick this woman to be on your team? If the answer is a resounding "no," what does that say about her?

So, there you have it: Dark-Ulfberht's 8 Laws of Marriage. Maybe they're not as good as TRP's go-to, "Don't Get Married." But, I know damn well some of you want a family, and despite all its disincentives, marriage remains perhaps the least of all evils for building one.

Edit: Grammar, spelling and shit.