Falling for a girl too quickly

tkachev · 2014-09-16T00:11:20+00:00

Well, I've always had the same issue and I think it's more common among all men than we even think. My solution is the realization of the fact that I'm not actually falling for the girl, but I'm falling for the state of mind I have when I'm around this particular girl. It's easier to sort it out, once you know that it's not her doing the magic, but you letting yourself feel what you feel.

asshold · 2014-09-16T00:23:54+00:00

It probably does make you seem needy, unfortunately.

If you're anything like me, it could be because you are either afraid of being alone (as in, you haven't learned to "love yourself") or you put too much pressure on the situation / marriage.

I used to be the same way. When I hit 30, I more or less realized my life wasn't going to be the storybook I'd grown up expecting. I may or may not get married. I probably won't have kids. All the girls I expected to wind up with one day are now married and most have kids. It was depressing at first.

Now, it's liberating. I'm basically free of those expectations. I started doing things I love without worrying about what other people think. Started exercising. My confidence went through the roof, and now when I date girls, I'm in control of my emotions because I like where I'm at without regard to the girl. I can evaluate the relationships for what they are more objectively, and move on when it's not right for me. I don't rely on the girl to make me feel better or complete, and I don't worry about being alone if it doesn't work out. Even at 32, I still have plenty of time to date and there'll always be another girl - I don't get hung up on missing out on "the right girl" (at least, as much) because there are plenty of awesome girls out there for me.

ThrowawayPUA · 2014-09-16T00:53:59+00:00

Keep your focus on what is happening, rather than projecting into the future and imagining what could happen.

When you start dating, you hardly know the woman. You are projecting your hopes and dreams onto a woman you barely know. And she probably could never live up to your mental image of a dream woman.

It is OK to have a mental image of an ideal woman. But she isn't it. If you compare a woman to your ideal, she will always fall short. If you focus on how she does not measure up to that standard, you will only be causing yourself misery.

johnnymaddick · 2014-09-16T03:44:36+00:00

First, this is totally normal, this is how we are wired, you body thinks you found a mate a starts bonding process for you to raise a child together.

Solution:

Go meet several girls at a time, your attachment is going to be diluted among all of them, you wont behave or feel needy and you will realize this is how your body works, just like night comes after day, and you need to adapt and deal with these circumstances.
Your future projections is your thoughts and 100% controllable, you are in charge of what you think. Learn how to switch your thoughts to a different topic. Meditation helps, being present helps.
Enjoy this feeling. This is what I do. Sex is great but love provides much stronger and greater cocktails of neurotransmitters and hormones that make us feel high. It is like a car, learn how to drive and enjoy the ride! And remember, you will need to refill the tank at some point!

Johnny Maddick

2014-09-16T00:22:20+00:00

I do the same thing, but its always good to just try and distance yourself from those thoughts. Next time you think like that, say something like "It was just one date", or "I think I'm taking it a bit too far" out loud to yourself. That usually helps brings me down from that kind of thinking. In any case, good luck with dating!

BitingInsects · 2014-09-16T02:54:22+00:00

We're all hopeless romantics. I just try not to fantasize about a future with anyone. Your brain plays these tricks on you. Then your judgement gets clouded because subconsciously you are already emotionally invested in this person.

John-Luke · 2014-09-16T03:43:38+00:00

Speak to more girls at once

ok_heh · 2014-09-16T01:32:52+00:00

Yeah it's your brain giving you a cocktail of good emotions because it thinks you found a mate. Mindfulness and jerking off really helps.

forcefulentry · 2014-09-16T02:32:29+00:00

I was experiencing this exact feeling today. Thanks for making this post, I needed it.

venikk · 2014-09-16T03:47:09+00:00

For me, oneitis is a symptom of AA. The less approach anxiety I have at the time, the less desire I have to simply choose someone outright. And the more of a courting period there will be. So approaching other girls might help.

polarix · 2014-09-16T09:59:17+00:00

Tyler wisely calls this phenomenon "cherish".

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YNovswAlmio

Edgar_Allan_Rich · 2014-09-16T13:55:09+00:00

You need to question whether or not this is actually a bad thing. This isn't a relationship forum...it's a pickup and self-improvement forum. You're going to get advice that leans toward "love 'em and leave 'em" here, but that may not be the best answer in your situation.

If you want to pursue and have sex with lots and lots of women then falling for them is certainly not the best thing to do. If, on the other hand, you want to care about the people you meet with the possibility of long-term relationships, then at some point you're going to have to follow your heart and fall in love. There's nothing wrong with either, as long as it's what you want.

How do I deal with it? I go into every open with the assumption that this girl could be the greatest woman in the world. From that moment forward I just enjoy my time with her until she's given me enough reasons to think otherwise, and I expect her to view me the same way. Most women immediately get thrown into the "fuckable but not dateable" pile, and a select few end up sticking around long enough to be worth committing to. So far I've never kept one around longer than a couple years.

I've thought about this concept a lot when it comes to Tinder, actually. I think it's funny how so many women cluelessly put "not looking for a hookup" on their profile. Why limit yourself? Some guys are hookup material and some guys are keeper material, and there's nothing wrong with that. They certainly aren't fooling me anyway. I might be hookup material for one girl and keeper material for another. Fine with me! Let's have some fun! How will you know unless you try it!

Mr_Zarika · 2014-09-16T04:39:38+00:00

Generally I keep two or three girls on the go. Then you're able to accurately see the good and the bad, since you're not projecting yourself and your desires onto them.

obeseelise · 2014-09-16T05:05:59+00:00

Wow, I have the same problem but I'm female. I could use this same advice!

Yadeno · 2014-09-16T05:23:25+00:00

I made a bet with a fuck buddy if I date anyone in the next year I'll run naked down town at noon.

Fucking stick your word to that and your emotions are forced to follow.

Kolbykilla · 2014-09-16T06:36:10+00:00

I'm the same way. Your best course of action is keep dating/ talking to other girls it makes it easier. You always want to be less invested than her at any point before an actual relationship, its hard to do but makes things so much easier.

sharkacolypse · 2014-09-16T06:58:52+00:00

I've been there. We have a beachside apartment and Ikea furniture. But it's just a fantasy, and I realize that. A conscious recognition of your fantasy as just that will allow you dissociate the idea of this girl from the real one. Knowing the difference between the two will let you put yourself in the correct state of mind to attract her because you know she isn't the grand prize you pretend for yourself.

The fantasy will always be there. But it's your fantasy, and in the real world you have to think about making a connection that works for both of you.

shitsfuckedupalot · 2014-09-16T07:15:51+00:00

To Fall means you no longer stand tall, when a good girl should hold you up but not support you. You should enjoy life when you're around her, but she's not the reason you enjoy life. She should push to succeed, not be the motivation behind your success. capiche?

mc2157 · 2014-09-16T17:16:15+00:00

I made a post on here a week or so ago about not valuing a woman early on which is what you're doing.

It's hard not to be excited at a new prospect, but you need to adapt a mentality that a girl has to convince you why she's worth any investment of emotion and time.

You have a good time talking? Cool, will she be around for date 2? 3? 6? Will she be there in a month? What are you a month after you met? Until she's actually your girlfriend, she's just another girl.

Don't run. Walk. If you do, you'll trip less often.

rangamatchstick · 2014-09-16T02:52:37+00:00

A classic case of one-ities. Had it for a while as well and its a pain in the ase! I found the best way to get around it is to just keep gaming other girls while dating one or two, that way you realise if one doest work out you have a back up (not that you NEED a backup and should be able to survive without one). To be honest I still have one-ities abit as I will focus on a girl very easily and stop additional game, although part of the reason is time constraints.

hcarguy · 2014-09-16T05:18:37+00:00

Same issue but just try to ground yourself and remind yourself what it actually is at the moment. I go through the exact same thing, especially if I really like her.

helly1223 · 2014-09-16T05:25:26+00:00

Happened to me with the last girl I dated. It ruined it for me.

ReighIB · 2014-09-16T10:17:20+00:00

I do this too and I think this is perfectly normal for anyone that's dating. It's kind of fun to entertain yourself with your own imaginations, but that's just what it is, imagination. Made up, not real. Imo, I think it's fine as long as you know that what you're portraying in your head is just all made up to make you feel a certain way.

admirals_go_nuts · 2014-09-16T10:22:46+00:00

See the good looking loser article.

countmontecristo · 2014-09-16T11:25:22+00:00

Statistically, men ARE more sentimental than women. We can marry/be in a relationship purely on emotion where women need that and a sense of security from their guy as well.

I do this all the time and am going to check out all the comments asap.

Thanks for posting this.

Inventi · 2014-09-16T12:34:19+00:00

I've had this, and through experience conquered it. Although it seems to help to be a bit more less emotionally involved with getting girls, it also feels like there is less emotion in me. Sometimes I just think that for to be able to love, you shouldn't be a veteran in the love-game. Everyone keeps saying that there is enough fish in the sea...

jewfro667 · 2014-09-16T13:16:04+00:00

Had this with my ex after like 3 months of dating. I don't know why but for some reason I was thinking, "Okay, there are only two things that could happen from this relationship, we either breakup or get married." It freaked me out and I even had to talk to her about my feelings because of how freaked out I was. Yeah, I liked her but we were/are both young and this was the first serious relationship for us so all these thoughts were pretty new for me. Anyway, after talking to her about it, I realize how stupid it was, though I also realized how much I cared for her if I was even having those thoughts.

She told me maybe a year later how freaked out she got too when I started talking to her about those thoughts haha. Man, I really do miss that girl. But yeah, just live day by day and ignore those thoughts.

Bigal35e10 · 2014-09-16T13:54:17+00:00

I had this same exact problem this weekend. A girl I started seeing came and stayed with me. We spent a righteous weekend drinking moonshine and doing motorcycle things. We also went out to dinner and did the real date thing. Things got real friendly. When she went back to her home in Georgia, I got sad as hell. Then I just thought about the situation a while and realized it's OK. Shit will be fine. Stay strong bro.

AssCrackBanditHunter · 2014-09-16T14:45:18+00:00

I have the same problem... but then I rapidly realize she's not as perfect as I imagined and I end up disappointed... anyone else with that problem?

melodesign · 2014-09-16T15:16:26+00:00

It's an actual thing, called Limerence. Realizing that this is, in fact, a thing, helps to rationalize how we think about others.

There is also a nice write-up about it here as well.

Hope this helps!

itsmevichet · 2014-09-16T15:36:02+00:00

You're a storyteller. You can do that all you like. Just stop making it mean more than what it is: a fantasy you made up.

I'm writing a novel right now about a pair of friends who have to endure the ravages of a totalitarian empire as they try to live normal lives but constantly get pulled back into the conflict. That shit is in my head, and on a bunch of pages of text. It's not real, and neither is whatever you fantasize about the girls you date.

Live in the moment. Let it be what it is. Enjoy it. You can do all the planning as you go along.

My practical advice here will be for you to get more passions in your life, and possibly practice meditation, or really any activity that puts you in a mental space where you are only focusing on that activity.

I'm a daydreamer too. I daydream about being a full time writer and dancer all the time. Know what daydreaming doesn't do? It doesn't turn me into a full time writer or dancer.

So instead, I spend 10 hours a week in a dance studio, and about the same amount of time writing my novel. What are you doing for yourself?

Mindsink · 2014-09-16T16:57:39+00:00

I am starting to ingrain into my head that I am meeting the representative and I will really get to know her after 6 months of time if the dating matures that long. Then I will allow myself to fall for them. This is beta test mode for now. It's recently that I thought about this after watching my ex turn into someone I can't recognize on the turn of a dime after the honey moon phase. About 6 months time is a general time frame to really get to know someone and allow for their ugly head to surface.

cruyff8 · 2014-09-16T16:57:44+00:00

I let her know that I'm falling for her, but I do understand it's a bit early to be proposing weekends in Spain and the rest of it. Also, I don't give these thoughts actual timestamps. If she's buggered by it, so be it.

airwa · 2014-09-16T19:35:30+00:00

You should never focus on a single girl. One of the main reasons people become 'needy' or fall too quickly for them.

MrPerfectlyperfect · 2014-09-16T20:30:22+00:00

Dude this shit is normal. It has happened to every PUA in existence. Shit even some maters who've been in the game for a decade still have these sticking points sometimes. Relax. When this happens it just means you like her which is fucking good. Just don't let it turn you into a chode and become. Just simply refuse to let it happen.

The way I went through this was by expressing the feelings I have for her by being so ecstatic but never showing neediness because I knew that I will feel this again for another girl and I have other girls I can date too so I never really had a reason to be needy even subconsciously. I know what I wrote is a bit hard to follow because I wrote this without much thought to structure etc but I hope you get my point. Keep taking action man.

aescetic · 2014-09-16T23:46:35+00:00

I used to have this problem until I started approaching more women. You can't really fall in love with one if you have three or more awesome girls in your life. Just spin more plates man :)

Title	Falling for a girl too quickly
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	255
Comments	74
Date	September 16, 2014 12:00 AM UTC (11 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/2gie7h/falling_for_a_girl_too_quickly/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/falling-for-a-girl-too-quickly.1288500 https://theredarchive.com/post/1288500

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