Feel like I can't touch on first dates

Practical_Window_919 · 2024-04-14T12:09:00+00:00

Bro, it's not like you're doing anything wrong. You're just doubting yourself. If you slide over and put your arm around her, it might come off as creepy if it feels forced. You'll know when it feels natural to do so, so trust your instincts.

It's actually a good thing that you're not being too aggressive. Putting yourself down and seeing yourself as a problem is not helpful at all. So, stop being your own harshest critic.

The main issue here is that you're focusing too much on what you "should" do, instead of what you feel like doing. What you're missing is your own comfort level. If you're not comfortable being touchy, then clearly, you're not ready to do so. Don't ignore your own boundaries.

Here's my simple advice: try to stay in the moment, read the room, and the person, and act naturally. That means not overthinking what you should or shouldn't do.

ChicoBrillo · 2024-04-14T13:10:04+00:00

Easiest way is to put your hand on their shoulder or upper back. Especially if you’re like telling a joke or something. It’s friendly and non sexual enough that it’s not going to blow up in your face if she’s not into you.

That’s a good place to start, you can usually gauge from her reaction if she’s into you or not (recoiling vs smiling etc)

G0dZylla · 2024-04-14T12:46:32+00:00

remember every time a woman is interesed in you, she givs you an escalating window of time, a moment where you can escalate and push the relationship further, this window could be 10 seconds or 5minutes or 1 hour(your case) but in the end it doesn't matter if you don't escalate in that window you will have less and less opportunities. you need to be sure she is at least somewhat attracted you and then you need to seize the oppurtunity when it comes as long as you are respectful (and not ugly) it won't end bad

Spiritual-Smoke-9498 · 2024-04-14T16:03:25+00:00

Kiss at the end of the date is boring B class movie shit.

Your problem is self hate and lack of self worth. That’s a vast subject don’t want to talk two hours about it, but do your research.

As a more practical advice, get out of your head and do it. By getting out of your head, it will 1) relax you 2) get natural flowing consent. Cuz right now you’re not listening to her, even if you think you are.

I think it’s good to see a more birds view perspective on what happens when you’re so committed to negative self-talk inside your head. Aka the reality she is experiencing on the outside.

For where you are at, everything is better than what you’re doing. You are actually better off talking about all the dumb negative bs lies you are thinking. Tell her yeah I don’t feel good enough with you, don’t really know what to do. Obviously that’s not casanova talk but you’re not casanova, it might or might not work there but you’re gonna learn and see more, and get opportunities along the way, because people won’t react as bad to that as you think it theoretically would.

So yeah, look at her, listen to her, and speak your mind. Shame grows in the dark, and so is unworthiness.

It is a masculine thing to go for what you want.

Overall self fulfilling prophecy.

Of course you are traumatized by your parents.

But there is also a vicious circle there, you feel not good enough. So let’s say you feel not good enough. Well, now youre feeling not good enough because you’re not good enough at socializing. See, even if you get good at socializing it doesn’t matter because you’re getting good at socializing because you’re not good enough. You gonna have to dig deeper, and allow urself to make mistakes. It’s like gardening, if you just “get good at socializing”, you are not pulling out the roots of the weed.

Think less, do more, talk specifically to her about what you’re trying to hide, do what you feel like. Go for it. Pay attention to her and go for it.

Shadow__Account · 2024-04-14T12:17:39+00:00

Practise on literally everyone. A guy waiter? Touch him on the shoulder when you talk to him. Start hugging your friends, tap people on the arm when you adres them. Guide your grandma to the couch by holding her at the waist etc

surfershane25 · 2024-04-14T15:47:47+00:00

You’re on a date, they’ve agreed to the date where the intention is romantic and physical intimacy at some point. You can safely hug someone at the beginning and now you’ve broken the touch barrier and your worries can be over about this mythical barrier. A few other good ways to break it are commenting on the texture of something if it’s an interesting one and saying “Can I feel it” now you’ve got consent to touch again. You can also ask their love languages, and unless they say they hate physical touch you can say oh good I like touching too and have been wanting to hold your hand all night. You should hold your hand out as if asking but you don’t need to verbally ask.

Relevant-Ad1230 · 2024-04-14T12:25:04+00:00

Try a palm reading game with her, that should work.

WhatHadHappenedWas · 2024-04-14T12:05:42+00:00

Watch some videos on more ways to break the barrier. You take her hand and take a surprise path, ask to look at her nails/rings, ask her to dance, hand on her forearm when you’re emphasizing a point or laughing. It takes practice but you’ll improve over time. If you do break that touch barrier and both have a good time throughout the date, definitely kiss her goodbye

TheSinDs · 2024-04-14T15:35:29+00:00

Ask to see her jewelry, just hold your hand out for her to place hers in it.

If she's getting closer allow the space to close and let your hands brush during casual conversation.

A strand of hair in her face, gently drape it back over her shoulder (I'd it's long enough)

Casually hold her hand (should she accept it) and brush the back of it with your thumb.

It doesn't have to be big touch moments, but small ones and gage from there. If she leans into it and touches you more then you know you're on the right track.

DaygameCode · 2024-04-14T13:47:25+00:00

That’s because your vibe needs to be more extroverted and assume familiarity earlier. You see, touching needs to come across as an organic thing that isn’t even processed by the person being touched as something sexual.

You can even, suggest playing games that require touching. For example, thumb wrestling, palm reading, truth or dare, drawing on each other’s backs, playing footsie, tickle war, mirror game,… etc

All of these involve touching, so as long as she agree to play, she is giving consent, and you can even let her start first in some games which means she is the one who can potentially start touching you first in order to play the game. Then you can celebrate victories with high fives, hugs, and so on depending on what makes more sense for the game you are playing.

OldManFlappyNuts · 2024-04-14T20:52:40+00:00

You ultimately fear rejection. Your lack of perceived abundance prevents you from taking risks. You care too much about others and not enough about yourself, learn to put your desires and wants first. Care less about others feelings to achieve your aims, if a girl does not appreciate your calibrated escalation and ultimately leaves upon you being sexually self assured and assertive then you move onto the next girl that is more receptive and compatible. If you are attractive and do not ACT unattractive then the same qualities that attracted the first girl enough to go out will also attract the next girl. Do not apologize for doing nothing wrong. Do not defend, explain, excuse or rationalize. Always deflect, agree and amplify, repeat or EXIT. Learn to be more selfish and abundant. Always aim to improve your SMV. The way you carry yourself signals your preselection. SMV and competence grants more opportunity to leverage your intrinsic preselection and therefore authority expressed in your demeanor and behavior. Update your mental model and overcome your irrational barriers. Stop stepping on your own dick and analyzing the footprint

OnKBacA · 2024-04-14T14:30:46+00:00

Wait. There's a touch barrier? You are thinking too much

AnthonyPillarella · 2024-04-14T15:55:25+00:00

It might just be me, but I'm not seeing something really important in these comments.

How did she respond to the shoulder touch?

You did right in starting somewhere safe (shoulder to emphasize a point, high fives, fist bumps, etc. are all generally very safe) and not just assuming you can keep going. Well done there.

The next step is to read her reaction to the safe touch. Did she lean into it, or lean away from it?

It could be literally leaning in/away, or just paying attention to her body language. A slight smile or relaxing her shoulders is a good sign, tensing means back off.

I would always default safe. Touch is just one way to build/convey interest, and if you're uncomfortable it will be uncomfortable.

So keep it to the safe ones for now, and pay attention to leaning in or away.

Belly_Button__Lint · 2024-04-14T18:40:56+00:00

Went to a beginner salsa dance class for a first date recently. Met for a drink before and held her hand as we walked to the dance studio. The dance class defiantly broke the ice touching wise.

Electric-kundalini · 2024-04-14T12:05:02+00:00

Well look at this way, if she didn't like you she wouldn't have gone on a date with you. The more you touch Women, the more natural it will feel.

volthor · 2024-04-14T12:28:39+00:00

I usually find the best time is during a joke or laughing, like you do with guy friends, and just see how the reaction is

Lucky-Finish7331 · 2024-04-14T15:09:15+00:00

I got the same issue , sometimes i just ask ike a nerd but i think its just ruins the vibe for her.... although yours was very hinting . I usually not initiate unless it feels very very like it . but i know if you should even on first date initiate touch . girls like to do stuff under the table with feet so notice it and play with it . thats the biggest sign

Endgame2648 · 2024-04-14T21:05:28+00:00

Feels like your problem is overthinking. If she's coming near you, just show her something from your phone and lean towards her while showing her the phone so that your shoulders are touching.

Slashe3r · 2024-04-14T22:57:55+00:00

I feel like most people aren't going to agree with what I am going to say but I noticed when a woman really likes, she will do the escalating, touching for you. Women in general don't come across men that they find "attractive to them" so when they do, they do absolutely everything they can to keep him. So a woman really likes you, her actions towards you will speak volumes, I had a girl initiate making out after I hugged her at the end of the date, of course I did kiss her cheek but I'm generally a little touchy, just slight. So from that case and my last relationship, I can bet that when women find you attractive, they will do the escalating. Just don't shy away when they're being sexual because they find that offensive and makes them feel slutty about themselves.

sillywanderer22 · 2024-04-14T22:58:57+00:00

I'm actually really interested if you had any trauma or bad experiences in your youth regarding this? I suspect it impacted me with the same problem, although I've mostly overcome it, I just need to be deliberate in breaking the barrier.

SherifffOfNottingham · 2024-04-14T23:48:02+00:00

Getting into social dancing made me much more comfortable with physical contact

eugene_verse · 2024-04-15T00:05:43+00:00

Do it as early as possible, its all in your head.

Dandys3107 · 2024-04-15T04:48:33+00:00

You can get intimate also by looking in the eyes longer, smiling broadly at someone, touching personal topics. As it comes to strictly physical escalation, you need to do it gradually. If you feel you can't make a move, make a half-move. Figure out some excuses for "casual" touch or "accidental" touch. Also, you should take care of providing proper space and mood, find some moderately secluded place, use your slow voice and touch pleasurable topics, in such circumstances getting closer to each other feels natural. If you feel barriers, it usually means that there is something missing yet.

Affectionate-Ant4888 · 2024-04-15T05:00:51+00:00

have you looked for more info about this issue lol?, youtube? books?, you sound so confused like this is so strange to you, check out a few videos on youtube, there are some old video of mystering teaching about what he calls kino escalation, this stuff works like magic, there are some great videos from neil strauss too, silly games and stuff that help break that barrier, also if you clearly see she is touching you, moving in your direction showing interest, bumping into you, touching your arms and you do nothing, you really need to work out that inner part first.

hmm well as for practical stuff lets see what I can tell you and rehearse for myself in the process; whenever you run out of things to say just tell her, give me your hand, and say, imagine there is river here and you pain the river across her hand and you say here is your fav animal, how would he cross the river, tell her no to every option she tells you, in the end with smirk you tell her, I dont know either, I just wanted to touch your hand haha

always when you are on date, make a plan to move her around maybe for a walk or just to a different venue, sightly bump into her, if she does the same, tell her what are you doing?, stop that!, you know what, give me your arms and you guys walk arms crossed for a while, make sure you are the first to break off so you don't come off as needy,

play silly stuff with her hands, tell her you can read her lines and stuff and make up some something silly about it,

grab the back of her hair, and pull it down, tell her, let me show you something you can thanks your ancestors for that, and you do it,

well that is just top of my head lol, it's late but you can google this stuff online, and find books man, keep learning and practicing !

BombSchit · 2024-04-15T05:56:22+00:00

you don't wana touch her, you don't wana. be honest to yourself

field512 · 2024-04-15T20:34:43+00:00

Its all about timing. You will get the intuitive feel once you are in the conversation. It came as a bit of a surprise on my last date but I kind of learned this lesson then. I told her she had beautiful eyes, after not complimenting her really all night, soon after that I kind of got this intuitive feel. She had not been asking me any questions or anything, so I assumed she was not interested but at the end of the date I kind of also had this assumption but when we said goodbye she tried to get it on but I was already on the way to kiss her on the cheek. So always just assume they are interested and go for it.

Thierr · 2024-04-14T14:18:49+00:00

There's no way to overcome this. It's just having the balls to escalate even when you feel you shouldn't.

Just force yourself, especially if she seems interested, to go 1 step further. Put your hand on her leg, and enjoy the tension that it creates. And then go from there.

grantcardonecapital · 2024-04-14T16:23:41+00:00

your parents were wrong from homeschooling you

RedFox457 · 2024-04-14T15:35:33+00:00

Find a way to touch hands, such as looking at their rings or nails. You can tell how comfortable the person is comfortable with touch and you by how long it lingers.

If things don’t feel good or natural then take a step back and consider ending it early yourself.

Hands, touch shoulders, touch knees.

dbb007 · 2024-04-14T20:02:07+00:00

Mate, you sound like an alright chap and above all an intelligent dude. With practice escalating physically will become effortless.

The loop theory is wonderful. Literally a before and after for me. Start with very minimal non invasive touches and then start going for bigger and bigger touches. Gradualism is a very good principle.

Not all touches have to be sexual. Remembering this will work in your favor, result in better connections and will also make her feel more comfortable.

runninwitwolves · 2024-04-14T21:28:40+00:00

I had this issue too. Try gently tapping her to tell her to look over there at x. Then start talking about that thing. This gave me confidence because not only am I touching her but its also involved in directing the conversation.

epimpstyle · 2024-04-14T12:05:09+00:00

Of course you can't touch someone because you know it's not okay, but ..... you need a trick to touch her innocently and build from there. You don't grab a girl to kiss her, you actually have to test how she reacts when you touch her. If she pulls away when you barely touch her hand, do you think she will accept you kissing her? We talk about IOI and KINO (search on google what is IOI and KINO).

I already wrote a mini guide on how to escalate, here are a few points again:

When you meet her, you might shake her hand or hug her - that's a formal touch, we don't count it. When you talk to her, you have to take baby steps:

1- Touch her elbow for a second while you say: "By the way, did I tell you blah blah blah blah?"

2 - (continue with a game) A second ago you touched her elbow, but you say: "Hey, you have such hard muscles on your arm, flex your biceps, let me feel it" - now touch her wrist with one hand and her biceps with the other.

3 - (take advantage of the previous sentence and continue) With your back palm, touch her abs or legs for a second: "You'd rather put some muscle here....wouldn't you?"

4 - (create a reason to touch her knee) While talking at the table, tell her, "Auch.... I had a pain here" [put the palm of your hand on your knee] .... "it looks like I sat down too much, you know it stings me right here" [now stroke her knee while showing her where the pain was] ... "let's walk for a second..."

5 - (create a reason to touch her shoulders) While walking... "just a second" and stop, then grab both her shoulders and rotate them 45 degrees as you want to go exactly in the direction where she is standing because you want to see something in a suitcase or a note on a building... whatever...

6 - (a game) while walking ... "Do you know how a married couple walked down the street 100 years ago?" Give her your elbow and she grabs your elbow with her palm. She will say that this is not a 100 year old method, but it doesn't matter... "It's a long time since I saw anyone like that."

7 - (another game if everything so far went nice)"Let me check your outfit" - grab her hand and spin her around, but when she has her back to you, just put her hand that you grabbed her fingers on your neck, she will end up very close to you having her arm around your neck and your other arm you will grab her waist. This is a tricky move, but a fun one.

8- while walking ... grab her neck and tell her "let me whisper a secret ... " then push her and say "oh it's a secret can't tell it maybe just under the blanket not to hear anyone hahaha".

These are simple examples, you can create your own opportunities because there is no need to wait for certain things to happen, you actually create the opportunities to touch them. If you are in a playful vibe everything is done casually but this is how you make slow progress.

DaygameCode · 2024-04-14T13:46:04+00:00

That’s because your vibe needs to be more extroverted and assume familiarity earlier. You see, touching needs to come across as an organic thing that isn’t even processed by the person being touched as something sexual.

You can even, suggest playing games that require touching. For example, thumb wrestling, palm reading, truth or dare, drawing on each other’s backs, playing footsie, tickle war, mirror game,… etc

All of these involve touching, so as long as she agree to play, she is giving consent , and you can even let her start first which means she is the one ego can potentially start touching you first in order to play the game.

TRTGymBro1 · 2024-04-14T11:55:21+00:00

Wait for a woman to touch you first. Once she touches you, you can start with a very light touches. Her touching you is not a license to start groping her.

focus_flow69 · 2024-04-14T18:05:36+00:00

You already know the problem, so do something about it. The solution is simple and you already know what it is.

Man up and overcome the fear of rejection. Accept the fact that you are afraid, and understand that's it's ok and normal to be afraid and despite that, you are man enough to overcome it and do what you have to do to escalate.

TheeNyxKhaos · 2024-04-15T21:05:07+00:00

How about just asking if you could hold her hand?

Im shocked as to how many are suggesting to just go right in. Not everyone is the same and not everyone likes to be touched without giving consent to do so. Not everyone thinks with the thirsty mindset either. One guy being too thirsty can make a cool relaxed date feel awkward quick. I feel safest route is at least checking with something as simple as holding someone's hand if she has obviously shown she is interested in being close to you (scooting, leaning near you, touching you). If she is truly interested, she will say yes. If she lets you hold her hand, then likely anything else that is reasonable is ok to. I personally enjoyed the moment a guy made a spontaneous move after a couple of dates. It is exciting and something I liked but not a 100% must. I do know plenty of female friends though who are the opposite. They wanna go slow. Only way to know is to ask.

For others: Just because she lets you get close, doesnt mean at that point you can go crazy. Acting like a thirsty caveman, I feel is fit for one night stands at a bar or club with someone you are not looking to see again. When it comes to someone actually going out on a date with you one on one, its different.

Just take your time at your own comfortable pace. Believe me, communicating you are interested in taking certain steps in a respectful manner is not bad. "No one can read minds". If you wanna know if she is interested and ok with certain things, then ask. Yes no one likes rejection, but whats worse is being lead on a string for just attention. Better to know if its worth the time and quickest way to find out is by asking.

If she truly is interested, she will likely do so with her body language as well. After you have made your move of wanting to hold her hand, see where she takes it from there. If after getting close, like body next to body, hand in hand and she is leaving no space at all. She likely is enjoying being in contact with you, which is a big win.

If after a few minutes she is pulling her hand out from yours and not returning it, leaving to go to the bathroom and when she comes back, is leaving more space between you two, that might be signs she isnt as interested in moving so fast.

momomojo54 · 2024-04-14T12:06:56+00:00

Don't just touch her out of the blue. I usually start it by saying something like: "how do you feel about kissing on the first date?" Then often I would just put my arm around her to feel her but won't kiss her out of nowhere. Works for me.

atomant88 · 2024-04-14T13:25:07+00:00

you can do anything you want as long as you ask for consent first

Feel like I can't touch on first dates

Comments

6 sounds amazing, I would usually walk her to another venue and if she start bumping into me, I tell her what are you doing!, and dropping this line would be even perfect!!

8 is amazing too ! and I 've done something myself similar, I once told a girl "Good things come to those who wait", you can see the hair of her neck going up it's graeat ! great list lol, I don't even understand what people are complaining about hahaha

Title	Feel like I can't touch on first dates
Author	IllustratorAshamed34
Upvotes	93
Comments	99
Date	April 14, 2024 11:42 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/1c3rmb5/feel_like_i_cant_touch_on_first_dates/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/feel-like-i-cant-touch-on-first-dates.1515057 https://theredarchive.com/post/1515057