Advice needed

chasingastarl1ght · 2021-02-02T02:58:10+00:00

“ I didn’t want to know. Because I don’t know the other side, I’ll never actually know what the truth is”

So he doesn't believe the victim of abuse and he's willing to actually give the benefit of the doubt to a men he doesn't even know?

She needs to run far away, the guy has zero empathy and he only wants to have sex with her. He litteraly doesn't care about her past or where she's coming from, he has no intent of ever acknowledging or accomodating her previous wounds.

He could have said "I feel like this is too personal of a subject and I don't feel comfortable yet knowing this kind of stuff about you. let's get to know each other a bit more before digging into the heavier stuff?" But nope. He had to mention "the other side" of her abuse. Blergh.

Jinxhourglass · 2021-02-02T02:57:38+00:00

Your friend is on a road to entering another abusive relationship if she thinks that’s reasonable behavior

iamtoopretty · 2021-02-02T03:30:39+00:00

“ I didn’t want to know. Because I don’t know the other side, I’ll never actually know what the truth is”

He's trying to nag her in order to instill self doubt in her or belittle her victimhood bcz he's the MRA type or both. He a POS and she should dump him.

millennialpink2000 · 2021-02-02T03:47:25+00:00

No, no no, no run! He's given the benefit of the doubt to a man he has never met. He doesn't see women as people. That's all there is to it.

She shouldn't want to be with him cuz he didn't even give a shit she was abused, and now he knows what she'll put up with. Scorched earth, run for the hills.

TagTrog · 2021-02-02T02:54:56+00:00

He's a dick.

NotSoSmartChick · 2021-02-02T04:12:54+00:00

That comment about divorce sounded like negging to me. The comment about her abuse? A massive red flag. I guarandamntee he’s got a “crazy” or “psycho” ex that he would expect pity from your friend about, and he’d get mad if she said she didn’t want to know because there’s two sides.

shellofthemshellf · 2021-02-02T04:39:12+00:00

He’s a dick, clearly. However, your friend also shouldn’t be telling people this information. It makes her a walking target for abusers.

Idk if you’ve read the handbook but make sure you do and try introducing your friend to FDS after you’re well-versed.

dollymyfolly · 2021-02-02T04:43:50+00:00

Men get away with stuff all the time because women keep making excuses for them. I wish she’d do us all a favor and stop making excuses for him!

Summerisle7 · 2021-02-02T08:17:48+00:00

Your friend isn’t ready to date. If she thinks this guy’s obnoxious, misogynist comments are “reasonable,” she’s still being affected by her abusive ex and needs to work on herself before messing with men. Otherwise her next relationship will be just as bad.

Unfit_Needleworker · 2021-02-02T05:19:07+00:00

He’s abusive already.

Ngwanuza · 2021-02-02T05:01:10+00:00

A royal dick at that. Your friend has a very low, low...low bar.

HexyHag · 2021-02-02T09:53:57+00:00

People have a tendency to project and expect others to behave and think how they do. If he is so damn suspicious of her recount, that likely means he's the kind of person to lie about such things. He's the kind of person to lie about domestic violence.

His eagerness to invalidate her experiences is a telltale sign that HE WILL NEVER BE ON HER SIDE.

EffectiveHoneydew422 · 2021-02-02T06:50:25+00:00

Its bad idea disclosing previous abusive relationship to someone you are dating. At best they show theor true colours and gaslight you like this guy- at worse they will empathise with you, listen to all the details (this WONT help you heal) and they will pretend and position themselves as the polar opposite of that to gain quick entry into your pants, when they are done they might rinse and repeat then use all that personal information to abuse you triangulate you and gaslight you. I dont think you should date if you aren't completely over a past abusive relationship. And when you are you wont find it to be if any interest to talk about- if its a HVM it may eventually come up out of interest in getting to know you better, but by the time that conversation happens you will have to have built enough trust in the relationship that your "SiDe" of the story wont be questioned

honeybeeroll · 2021-02-02T18:45:04+00:00

Please strongly recommend that your friend read Lundy Bandcroft's "Why Does He Do That?" it's all about abusive men, their tactics, motivations, and importantly for your friend, how to avoid being abused again.

This guy is a total piece dick

1) I won't judge you for being divorced sounds like a neg

2) saying marriage is a gamble and the idea that he won’t know what actually happened in the marriage is a gamble in itself - he's giving her ex husband the benefit of the doubt

3) “I didn’t want to know. Because I don’t know the other side, I’ll never actually know what the truth is” - doesn't care that she was abused, and indicates maybe she's lying about the abuse "never actually know what the truth is"

We should all run away at sonic speeds from any guy who thinks we are lying about abuse. Are there women who lie? Yes. Are they more common than women who were abused? Hell no.

Your friend absolutely should NOT be telling guys her ex was abusive, that is fast track to getting abused again. She also should not tell them upfront she was divorced either. Again, that's another sore spot a man could take advantage of and literally why does he need to know right now? If and when the conversation of past relationships come up, then say it.

I feel like your friend is throwing onto the table what she perceives as her "dirty laundry" because she's afraid she'll get rejected by a man for these things later on. When in reality 1) she never has to tell a man she was abused 2) if a man rejects her for either of these things, her reaction should be fuck him, not I wish I hadn't told him, I knew these things would make me undatable (no I am only speculating that your friend feels that way). Also putting these things out there early makes no difference. A man who's just looking to fuck or is desperate for a gf will tell her he's fine with these things just to get what he wants. Your friend needs to really, deeply understand that most men on apps are looking to just get laid, and that they will say whatever they think she wants to hear to get that.

I think you need to have a serious talk with your friend that you're concerned she's putting herself in harms way with guys. Maybe you can read Why Does He Do That? (great reading for any woman tbh) first and share some stuff, about how it's helping you see the true nature of guys, and you'd love for her and all your female friends to read it? Because I know sometimes direct confrontation on issues with guys makes our friends retreat and double down instead of listening.

FabledAngryVillager · 2021-02-02T06:23:56+00:00

Is your friend attracted to men who make it transparent they're assholes? Doesn't mean she needs to offer her affection, she can say "thank you, goodbye" if she's not ready to "ghost".

dancedance_83 · 2021-02-02T10:22:32+00:00

No, he’s a dick. He wasn’t in the marriage, he doesn’t get to decide which “side” he believes more. The side he needs to believe is that the marriage is over. Nothing else to say right now.

Lazy-Design1979 · 2021-02-02T15:50:15+00:00

You're completely right - she should just unmatch because this guy is bad news. He's only just started talking to her and is meant to be impressing her, but he's already refusing to listen to her side of the story in order to give some unknown-to-him guy the benefit of the doubt. His attitude sucks and it's only going to get worse. He's misogynistic. Block and delete.

Then_Advertising_773 · 2021-02-03T00:43:04+00:00

I eeked when he said "some guys would have an issue with that but I won't judge". He basically said "other men won't date you for that cause it's horrible, but I would tolerate it"

It's like saying "you're ugly but you're beautiful to me".

Title	Advice needed
Author	sarstarss
Upvotes	85
Comments	25
Date	February 2, 2021 2:49 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/lalle0/advice_needed/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/advice-needed.745032 https://theredarchive.com/post/745032

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