" He should be supporting you!! "

exit_sandman · 2018-12-10T17:12:52+00:00

I suspect unsolicited white knighting - the guy probably simply wanted to take your BF down a notch. 100 bucks that, had you asked whether he'd support a GF (if he had one at that moment), he'd weasel himself out by mentioning his employment status.

Pathetic.

goatismycopilot · 2018-12-10T16:57:31+00:00

I do not care what some random dude thinks about how I do or do not spend my money.

philomexa · 2018-12-10T17:11:44+00:00

How were you raised?

Inverted tradcon household. My (wealthy immigrant) father retired when I was baby/toddler and raised me while he bankrolled my (poor immigrant) mom's education so she could become a teacher.

Do you want to be the sole provider?

I already am, but its not something I really thought about in depth. I grew up with the assumption that I'd have a job and the means to support myself; a man's provisions never factored into his attraction or eligibility. Is he attractive? Does he like me? Are we compatible? Those are the things I care about. Ergo, I'm the sole provider because I'm just better at this career stuff than my husband.

Do you want to be a "traditional" woman?

I don't know what that means, I'm pretty femme and submissive to my husband. However, I can't stomach the idea of a man out earning me, It makes me vaguely sick. I'm traditional in some respect, antithetical in others. I just know I can't abide by the idea of a man "taking care of me", because that phrase has the implicit assumption of quid pro quo sex. yuck.

CreightonWAbrams · 2018-12-10T17:00:00+00:00

I am 44 and everybody we know is aware of the fact that my career is much more highly paid than my husband's. Literally nobody has ever ever ever said anything like this to either of us.

I was raised working class; my husband is UC.

WestsideMoonWalker · 2018-12-10T17:01:37+00:00

Hmm, generally I'd say fairness is all about pulling your weight and doing things in the best interest of both yourself and your partner.

I was kinda raised like that. My mom worked until I was 10 then stopped working because my dad's career really took off and it made more sense to her to take care of me and my sister. We were always taught about the importance of hard work, though I definitely have a less puritanical view on it.

I do not want to be the sole provider. I'd need to make at least 4x what I'm making now to do something like that based on where I live, and I'm doing pretty well for myself so far (wage stagnation/insane cost of living I'm looking at you).

sublimemongrel · 2018-12-10T17:33:56+00:00

That guy sounds like he was trying to diss your BF so he could like, idk hit on you or something. Some men do that for some reason. I would not take what he says seriously.

I'm a woman with a high-powered career who contributes just as much as my husband to the marital income. With my year end bonus I tend to make a little more annually than my husband even. While most of the couples I know personally tend to have a similar dynamic or close to it, of the few I know where there is a SAHM, it was a joint decision between both partners, not something the woman unilaterally decided that her husband was not 100% on board with too. In fact in one such case, the husband himself told me it was him who pressured her to quit her job and become a SAHM.

I think people should do whatever works for them and it should be a joint decision that the couple makes together.

killallthenarcs · 2018-12-10T18:12:55+00:00

Some guys will just say whatever they can to drag down a girl's boyfriend in her eyes. It just seems like one of the instinctive sexual strategies. I wouldn't think too much of it other than he wanted to stick his dick up you and that was the best he could do.

Thounumber1 · 2018-12-10T18:47:28+00:00

I was raised to not think about stuff like this and focus on studying instead. Grew up in a traditional Indian family.

I don't want to be the sole provider, I prefer an equal relationship similar to yours.

flamingoinghome · 2018-12-10T21:32:29+00:00

Let's just get this out of the way: that dude was hitting on you. The subtext was "I, an unemployed 38-year-old internet stranger, would treat you far better than your actual boyfriend you actually love." That's what this clown was going for.

I have no interest in a man buying everything for me. I like presents for holidays (giving and receiving), and if a guy with more money than I have wants to take me to a fancy restaurant or something, I'm down, but the idea that your boyfriend should be supporting you is absurd.

definitelynot_a_cat · 2018-12-10T20:29:11+00:00

So, I’m a guy, but I also kind of want to express my views.

I grew up in a household where my dad earned most of the money and did most of the housework. I kind of felt like my parents had a very unbalanced relationship and they did wind up getting divorced. My mom is pretty manipulative and selfish, and I don’t know if this has influenced my view, but more than anything I want a balanced relationship. I just want a relationship where there aren’t any gender expectations. I think there is a level of difference in the way certain genders might process situations due to biology, but I would like to believe that it is possible for partners to have an equal amount of empathy and reason. I sometimes get tired of gender debates and I feel like people put intent behind things that just isn’t there. I think a lot of people simply use the differences in gender as a way to understand their own viewpoints and it can get blown out of proportion.

This all sort of plays in to the situation you described. Some guy is wanting to use gender difference as a point of appeal. But at that point he’s just making up differences in hopes of coming across as “valiant”. Personally, I like the way your relationship sounds. I’ve often been described as someone with a lot of empathy and a lot of feminine traits, but I’m still very much okay with the fact that I’m male, so I think that most of the times I see people encouraging stereotypes I think they’re being silly and probably have personal motivations to do so. Sometimes acknowledging stereotypes can help someone understand themselves more and that’s not a bad thing. But I think a LOT of people don’t realize how similar men and women really are. In fact, that’s why I have a lot of issues with the current tendency to demonize men and the “patriarchy”, as well as the tendency on the other side to view a lack of traditional roles as the problem. Not because of anything to do with anger or resentment, but because I think the genders are more similar than people think and it’s being blown way out of proportion.

cxj · 2018-12-10T20:41:32+00:00

I was raised with “benign neglect” by a workaholic union president and a pill popping/alcoholic nurse.

Not really but I would be willing to carry the team for a few years before kids go to school if we had them.

I’m not a woman but I’m not exactly seeking a traditional woman nor am I a traditional man.

Workshop_Gremlin · 2018-12-10T21:51:26+00:00

How were you raised?

Early part of my life (from birth to 11 years) my dad was the sole provider. This was when we lived in the Philippines and dad had an amazingly well paying job. When we moved to Canada it was pretty much the entire family working and pooling our resources together until we got established, so both me and my mom worked as well (my sister would follow suite a few years later). This is still pretty much the pattern we follow. Both parents are retired now and obviously both me and my sister work and are free to use our money however we wish but if any major expenses comes up family wise (major repairs around the house, etc...) we pool together what we can to meet that expense.

Do you want to be the sole provider?

No. Relationship wise I want an equal partnership with both of us having each others backs and working towards the common goal of meeting life's challenges together.

[deleted] · 2018-12-11T00:06:48+00:00

Everyone else has said it but you can't take that guy seriously whatsoever.

I'm pragmatic or like to think I am. In the end, we can only deal with what is in front of us now or in the near future. So having a traditional woman isn't going to work for me because of finances.

When we have kids, it would be great if one of us had the freedom to stay home for a few years and work on that but it's not feasible.

My view is that for most people, it's just going to be too tight to do that anymore.

crackrocksteady7 · 2018-12-10T17:28:24+00:00

It's always funny when I'm out getting food somewhere and my girl pays and someone gets flabbergasted. "Why your girl pay for you, you are man you pay". Thanks Chinese food guy, stick to the kung pao chicken. These tradcons who live in "women are equal but if you have a penis you pay for everything" world are insane

durtyknees · 2018-12-10T17:35:10+00:00

Do you want to be a "traditional" woman?

No. "Traditional" is only a comfortable pigeonhole for pigeon-shaped people.

I take pleasure in not being a financial burden to my husband, because that gives us more freedom (and less stress in general, for sure).

Men of abundance have no problem committing to women who don't limit their freedom (ideally, she provides him with even more options, instead of limiting his options).

Since my husband spends a lot of quality time with me, he's still "providing and supporting" me. Not everything is about material resources nor money. Time (a person's very lifespan) is the most valuable thing to a man who has both abundance and wisdom.

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Uncommon_Sensed_1234 · 2018-12-10T17:00:06+00:00

Both of my parents worked.

I can't even provide for myself financially so being the sole provider is out.

I'm doing the 1950s SAHW thing, but that wasn't my intention when I was young but what I became. My religious upbringing prepared me somewhat so it was not a complete lifestyle shock going from working to not and being a housewife.

Barely-moral · 2018-12-10T17:02:55+00:00

My discussion point is what do you think about trying to achieve fairness in a relationships? What would be an example of a fair relationship to you?

Every relationship has its own rules. If the people in it feel like the relationship is fair and both are happy with it then that is all. There is no need to chase after some universal standard of fairness.

How were you raised?

My mother was a SAHM. My father worked to support the family and pay for everything. Mostly functional, my mother was kind of a nag but nothing extreme. I was raised to put my education first and be a "nice guy". I don't resent my parents for the bad advice, they didn't know better.

Do you want to be the sole provider?

I am. I have no problem with it. I learned to enjoy it. I would rather be a stay at home husband but that path was unrealistic to me so I decided to play it smart and play the hand I had.

Do you want to be a "traditional" woman?

If I could born again as a woman in similar circumstances I would take that option. I have no problem fullfilling the male role, I just would love to fill the female role instead.

If we switch the gender of the question. "Do I want to be a "traditional" man?" . It is the best option for me. So I do. But only because there is no other option that allows me to have a life worth living.

jax006 · 2018-12-10T18:32:45+00:00

F

while I was playing red dead

Yea right

a_vanillae · 2018-12-10T22:30:54+00:00

F (25) and I am not a "traditional" type of woman. I think that's the term. I don't plan on having kids, I work at a mechanic shop, and I make my living and pull my own weight.

Please stop this. Unless they are literally sitting on their ass eating bon-bons all day, domestic women do pull their own weight, they just aren't paid for it, or not very well for it. It's unnecessarily divisive. I'm sorry the women in your family are stereotypical, but don't project.

Most of it's legit but you can work and get those benefits, they just don't.

No, you really can't. Medicaid has a strict cut-off in most states and the way it's set up does not encourage disabled people to return to the work force.

It's also exceptionally hard for a legitimately mental ill person to find gainful employment, even disregarding the above issue. I have a schizophrenic sibling and I have seen it first hand.

I was raised in an egalitarian household, and my mom held down a job she hated for decades because it paid the bills. As for me, I was actually shuffled into a domestic role because of a serious, unexpected medical event. If I had contributed anything significant monetarily we would have lost coverage and been a quarter of a million dollars or more in the hole. As it stands we were only a few tens of thousands after everything was said and done.

I'm now in school and hoping to be back in the workforce in a few years, but I still plan to prioritize my family, because they deserve that from me.

Atlas_B_Shruggin · 2018-12-11T00:00:38+00:00

what do you care what people say. call him the n word and tell him to get cancer

kandyapplez · 2018-12-11T01:26:52+00:00

babe he was not positing some deep theory about gender relations he was trying to seem better than your bf to spawn some hideous gamer online relationship with you

LeJacquelope · 2018-12-11T12:39:38+00:00

The dude I was playing with

should keep his mouth shut and go tend to his own life.

verticordia · 2018-12-12T00:15:03+00:00

I was raised by a single, hyper masculine mom. I was never taught how to be a woman or that my appearance is important. For the last year I've had to teach myself how to be feminine and look good so I can secure a provider. If that's traditional, then yes. I don't want to be a man, I don't want to work like a man. I don't go 50/50 on dates. I don't argue with men in public or try to be their mother, but I'm not submissive. I just like to let the man be a man and I like being chased.

neuk_mijn_oogkas · 2018-12-13T06:05:43+00:00

How were you raised?

These things weren't even brought up honestly. I was raised by a single by choice (female) parent. I'm seeing a lot of this weird stuff on the internet that parents istill all sorts of ideas into kids and tell them how to do this and that later; I wasn't told either way. We didn't talk much about my future or the expectations thereupon. My parent seemed to realize fairly early that my sibling and I were not the type to have children and probably not a relationship either so i didn't become much of an issue.

Do you want to be the sole provider?

I live alone so someone has to and I don't thik my cats are up for it.

Do you want to be a "traditional" woman?

No that involves living with other people some of whom being children—no thanks.

I'm not the kind of person that likes to compromise.

sealysikes · 2018-12-10T17:06:04+00:00

When I was growing up, my mom and dad both owned a quilt shop among a few other things. My mom was always at work while my dad would stay home. I’m a girl and I think seeing the woman take on the ‘mans’ role influenced me to want to work as well. Also I think if I didn’t have a job or something long term to do I’d get depressed so it’s really not an option lol.

I’d also want my future wife to have a job because we’d have twice the money and what would she be doing if she just stayed home??? Maybe I’d change my mind if we had kids, but after they started going to school I’d want her to work again.

Alth12 · 2018-12-10T17:12:52+00:00

I was raised seeing my mother doing much of the housework despite wotking herself and seeing the resentments brewing on the back of that. So I've consciously made efforts to not be like that and to do things myself. I think actually being single for a while, living on my own and then living with friends who were slobs helped instill A sort of pull your weight mentality.

My girlfriend and I have an equitable relationship, though as she's got more money than me I actually struggle to get her to let me pay sometimes. That said like you she's encountered resistance especially where she works. A lot of men (when theyre trying to hit on her) and the women like to put me down to her, saying they would or a man should look after her. The classic she's got is when I've gone to the toilet in a bar having a guy sit down uninvited and tell her I was cruel for leaving her all alone and how he'd never do that. Which she had fun with actually, basically making him run in shame.

I think really this is just a sort of jealous reaction, particularly among the opposite sex, often used by men and women to try and drive a wedge in a relationship that seems happy and fulfilled when they arent happy themselves, or in their relationship. I doubt the people who say that really even mean it.

planejane · 2018-12-10T18:27:00+00:00

I think we should be friends, mmk?

I was raised similar to you-dad worked, mom raised the kids and kept house.

I'm ambivalent about being the provider. There's part of me that wants to do the SAHM thing if/when we have kids, but it might end up that I'm the more marketable partner in my relationship, there's a lot of variables in play. Right now we're focused on paying down the last of our debt before we do kids, and I just got back from military deployment-I've got a job for now but I'm still looking for something a bit more in line with my education and skills.

I'm not and haven't ever really been a traditional woman. I love cooking, makeup, and tidying but it's not where I feel accomplished. I get personal satisfaction from work and competency as much as domestic skills, or more.

While currently my partner makes more than me that might not always be the case, and he's much more likely to get fulfillment from being the always-present parent than I am. We're both open to being the working parent or the stay at home parent when the time comes.

Texastentialism · 2018-12-10T18:28:08+00:00

I grew up lower middle class. Both my parents worked, but neither had careers. When I was young, my mom ran an in-home daycare; later on she did various secretary/admin jobs. My dad did everything from painting houses to flying crop dusters to selling cars and computers, and at one point got an associate's degree in respiratory therapy and worked at a hospital for several years. They also owned and managed a restaurant for about 12 years. They're now in their 60s, and my mom is working as a secretary while my dad is semi-retired and sells real estate.

They were both the sole provider at various junctures, but for the most part they both worked, and my mom was usually the more stable earner. There was never any doubt in my mind that I'd work and bring in income; I'm not interested in being a SAHW/SAHM and I don't like the idea of a family relying on one person's income. I've seen firsthand how that can go wrong in a number of ways. I'm comfortable in a dynamic where we're both working and pool our income for the good of the household/family.

321PK · 2018-12-10T17:16:14+00:00

How is anybody unemployed rn?

Orange_Paisley · 2018-12-10T18:06:20+00:00

My mom owns her own company and pretty much holds onto the purse strings in her marriage. If he wants/needs money, he has to ask her for it.

I'm divorced, one fully grown kid. I raised her pretty much on my own after the divorce. I earn more than my partner but we split the bills fairly equally and buy our own wants/needs (outside of gifts). I can't fathom being a stay at home wifey. It's not how I was raised. What would I have done if I hadn't had a job at the time of my divorce? Where would my kid and I have gone? Nah, I need to make my own money.

[deleted] · 2018-12-10T18:10:09+00:00

I'd be down to be a sole provider, especially if I married a woman someday - I worry that most men would eventually get resentful. My mom was the sole provider for my family until the recession in 2008, when my SAHF had to go back to work to make ends meet. I have no interest in being a traditional woman, but I would like to have children/a family.

Title	" He should be supporting you!! "
Author	longacidrain
Upvotes	13
Comments	78
Date	December 10, 2018 4:48 PM UTC (7 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/a4xbhj/he_should_be_supporting_you/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/he-should-be-supporting-you.258623 https://theredarchive.com/post/258623

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