Before going back into the wilderness of dating men, we need to ensure that you are armored with extensive knowledge on patterns of relational attachment, strong boundaries, unyielding standards, and adequate safeguarding techniques. Even though we extensively discuss the intricate tactics that men use on women, it is important to do the necessary inspection on how our minds respond to potential romantic prospects.

Today I want to share my findings with you on the condition called limerence. I believe that the term was once mentioned on this subreddit, so I quickly took interest in doing some research on it.

In this post, I will:

— Define the term to gain a better understanding of what it stands for.

— Talk about the symptoms of limerence and how they present themselves.

— Brainstorm the methods/tactics that can be used to combat it.

— Share some helpful resources: resource 1, resource 2.

Definition

Limerence is first and foremost a condition of cognitive obsession. According to Wikipedia, this condition may be caused by low serotonin levels in the brain, comparable to those of people with obsessive–compulsive disorder.

Limerence is considered to be an unhealthy obsessive state in which an individual becomes all-consumed with securing or maintaining emotional reciprocation from their object of affection, known as the limerent object, or simply LO.

Limerence exists as a constant state of anxiety, which is focused solely upon the perceived reciprocity from the LO. The goal of limerence is achieving emotional reciprocation, so compulsive behaviors are contingent on perceived feedback from the LO.

Symptoms

— Intense emotional, romantic and sexual desire for an LO. This may be described as a state of being ‘madly in love’, you may feel as if you have never felt ‘this way’ about anyone else before.

— Constant daydreaming about an LO. It distracts you from tending to your normal routine, as you fantasize about them quite often. The fantasies you have about an LO might involve rescuing or being rescued.

• Obsessive focus on everything that they are doing. You want to know whom they’re talking to or spend time with. Learning this information becomes your daily focus, it seems as if everything revolves around them.

• Intrusive and obsessive thinking about an LO. You’re spending more time thinking about your LO than anyone, or anything else. They become the central focus in one’s mind, often to the exclusion of other people around them.

— Idealization, where their good qualities are often magnified and negative qualities are minimized. This may happen in your own head, or while talking to other people about them.

— Orchestrating events or initiative to facilitate communication with an LO. You often find yourself ‘looking for excuses’ to contact them, initiate conversations, or meet them in real life.

— Impaired functioning and extreme lack of concentration in normal routine. You find yourself unable to think or act clearly without your mind being preoccupied with an LO.

• Intense need for reciprocity, where you experience intense joy or extreme despair depending on whether or not an LO reciprocates. It seems as if your mood operates in extremes and is heavily dependent on their treatment.

• Feelings of euphoria induced by an LO’s presence. The connection and feelings while with this person may be high, or even euphoric. This can be felt whether you’re in a relationship with them or not.

• Severe mood swings. You are constantly assessing the feelings of the other person to be sure they feel the same in return.

How to Combat Limerence

I believe that all of the aforementioned symptoms have been thoroughly discussed on FDS.

We post content to remind each other not to “obsess” over or get emotionally attached to men who are, oftentimes, only in the beginning stages of vetting. Some of us tend to get overly excited, only to end up disappointed or even hurt in the end.

To this day, I see a lot of women on this sub fall prey to this. There has been an influx of posts where women have put men on pedestals as early as one/two dates in, for doing the bare minimum, or having some other vague characteristics.

That is okay, though: we want you to seek adequate advice on askFDS! Do post and ask for guidance — we are here to help you avoid or escape from more hurt, abuse, and other forms of mistreatment.

Nonetheless, I believe that a lot of us have struggled with something similar to limerence (be careful not to self-diagnose here, please). Many can relate to some of the symptoms, I am sure.

So, how do you ensure that you stay level-headed when dating? What steps can you take to ensure that you stay detached and vet men ruthlessly?

Resource: Example of Strategy

— Talk to a trusted, trauma-informed therapist about limerence/ROCD, or other conditions. Discuss with them the possibility, but do not rush to self-diagnose. Ensure that you have a proper, well-organized treatment plan.

• Based on the practice guidelines of the American Psychiatric Association, the best evidence-based OCD/ROCD treatments include the combination of serotonin-reuptake inhibitors (SRIs) and cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), particularly the technique of exposure and response prevention (ERP).

— Maintain a log of boundaries. You have to know what your boundaries are, otherwise you risk falling prey to abusive, manipulative men. When someone attempts to erode or breach your boundary, you need to act accordingly.

— Maintain a dating journal. In order to ensure that you stay level-headed, take notes about the men you go on dates with, rate them ruthlessly according to your non-negotiable, FDS standards. Organize it, if you will.

— Maintain a roaster of men. This means that you date multiple men, constantly generating more prospects through OLD (not recommended), social outings, hobbies, and else. Having men on rotation not only ensures that you have an abundance mindset, it helps you critically analyze your options, with no remorse of loosing some.

— Filter the information that you share with men. Of course, do not disclose any of your traumas, insecurities, and other sensitive information to ensure your emotional, physical and mental safety. Share just enough, then sit back, and relax — let him do the talking.

— Maintain non-negotiable sources of fulfillment. Create space for them, as well. This includes spending quality time with friends and family. It may also include budgeting, gardening, shopping, doing yoga, or painting –– whatever brings you fulfillment, joy, and happiness. No man should ever qualify as an exception for you to reschedule, cancel, or give any of them up. He will never come before anything you consider dear and joyful — if his presence threatens to sabotage or take them away, he needs to be dropped instantly.

— Your time is the most valuable resource. Treat it like one! Allocate only 2 hours/week for two pre-reserved dates with two or three men; get on a 30-minute FT call with the other two. You can literally end the call if he says something you don’t like; block and delete, Queen! Either way, a man has to fight against all odds just to get a chance to meet and spend time with you. Otherwise, he’s not serious. Your time is non-negotiable, it is precious, it is expensive. He has to be worth it, otherwise it’s a loss.

— Train your mindset. Train yourself to be immediately disgusted with any man who shows NV/LV signs. No matter how small the mistake or how long the relationship/marriage, he should be dropped instantly. As some say, “out of sight, out of heart”.

— Cost-Benefit Analysis. Your every action should benefit you alone. It is his job to bring value into your life, your routine. Until he consistently proves to be HV and fulfills all of your conditions, he is not worth the investment.

So far, that is all I have to share with you today. Share your tips and tricks on how to stay unattached!

Edit: mobile formatting