Where to look to find HVM?

asocialsocialite · 2021-12-16T16:50:26+00:00

I'm going to be really honest with you here.

It sounds like you are looking for someone to solve problems that you should be fixing yourself. You're coming up with reasons to not handle your mental health, coupled with you having a scarcity mindset regarding men. Living in a small town will exacerbate this. You're relying on other people to fix you when, the reality is, no one is going to give a shit about you but you, and especially not men. If anything, you're very at risk of getting used. Your post is giving me the impression of someone that things happen to. You appear to have a very passive view of your life rather than active.

My first suggestion to you really is going to be to read the handbook. Not only are HVM difficult to come by, but HVM are also not going to be your emotional crutch. Some things you will need to handle yourself.

Secondly, you may have had therapy before. It's not enough. You need to go back. And you really need to pay attention to what the therapist is telling you and make an active effort to change your life. There is no fast track to leveling up.

A man is an addition to your life, not a necessity.

bleda_princezna · 2021-12-16T10:40:13+00:00

There isn't a surefire way to find a HVM (anywhere, big city or not), so you probably won't get some sort of magic formula from anyone here, other than the recommendation to vet people thoroughly.

When it comes to anxiety from living alone, what exactly makes you anxious about it? Knowing that will help you find your solution.

I have a similar problem, living alone has negative impact on my mental health and gives me a lot of anxiety. I've had panic attacks over it in the past as well when I had very little social interaction because of working from home as well, having family in a different city etc. For me, it's the lack of interaction and affection that causes it for the most part. Which could be solved by having pets. Currently I don't live alone, but my living situation is very far from ideal, so I want to live by myself eventually and plan to adopt a pet. I don't want to deal with another human, because I have negative experience with me always being the one stuck with chores etc. It's annoying, causes resentment and I've had enough of that. Pet might make a bit of mess, but it's much more peaceful and enjoyable to live with one.

Another thing for you might be having problems with is having the responsibility and having to take care of everything alone - that could be solved by getting a female roommate, live with a friend etc. But, vet them throughly.

IndividualRoutine661 · 2021-12-16T10:53:19+00:00

Sounds like you need a dog rather than settling for a LVM.

Living alone is actually very liberating and so much better than being in a bad relationship.

eatapeach18 · 2021-12-16T17:18:01+00:00

Settling for any guy just to have someone to live with is a terrible idea. If you have anxiety over living alone, then you have deeper rooted issues that warrant help from a therapist. Just because you’ve already gone to therapy, that doesn’t mean it’s failed you. Go again or try a different therapist. You can’t expect to be rid of your anxieties just because you’ve talked to someone a handful of times.

You don’t have to live alone somewhere remote or secluded. Live in a complex where there’s plenty of others around should you ever need something. Or have a friend be your roommate.

Also, who is to say that the first guy you meet will even want to move in with you right away? You’ll still be living on your own for quite some time. Take up a hobby until you meet someone great.

KindredMaximus · 2021-12-16T18:56:19+00:00

This sounds dangerous. If your anxiety is so terrible when alone - you will subconsciously look past glaring red flags in a man due to your fear. This mindset is setting you up, to put with anything in order not to feel alone or anxious. And I can tell you, that most men will sense this - and if there is one thing men love, it's a weakness they can exploit and use to manipulate. And considering your mental health will be so anxiety riddern at the thought of him leaving, you won't even notice any manipulation.

I can also tell you, that the MOST dangerous thing for a woman is being in a relationship. You should be anxious about letting a man into your space - not about being alone. You face increased and very well known and documented danger by having a man in your space. There is not a woman alive who has been assaulted or killed by a man who "loves" her, who is single. While I wrote this at least one woman died at the hands of a man who 'loves' somewhere in the world. Your anxiety appears fixated in the wrong direction. Yes, a woman was just murdered right now during DV - while you were reading - her body is still warm. This is not abstract but very concrete.

Most children grow up having someone around them all the time - that's what parents and siblings do. It's called a family. Yes, it can be scary going it alone but it's safer than being around a man and that is a statistical fact. Something has caused this intense fear you have and it is not because you grew up in a family. YOu need to figure out the root of this or your life is going to be unmanageable.

Edited to add : being in a relationship is more dangerous than flying. Are you anxious about flying? Also - sharing all your thoughts and feelings with a man while vetting, is a sure fire way to load a manipultion gun with a man.

hopeful_flounder93 · 2021-12-16T13:51:41+00:00

First of all, I want to say that I understand how you're feeling - it's not unreasonable to struggle with this sort of thing! I know others have suggested a pet, but I see your work schedule's a bit tough - do you think it would be conducive to an animal that's more independent?

Also, what are the surroundings like of where you live? What do young, active, fit-ish people in your area like to do? Losers are everywhere, but if you're in a mountainous area for example, you might have some luck meeting men (or at least friends) in a group centered around that. If there's an ocean then maybe surfing or beach clean-up volunteering events, if it's snowey then maybe skiing, if there's an artsy/alternative community you could check it out, or if there are any local bands playing music you'd like, you could attend.

I've met lots of friends this way, but just a reminder that there's no shortcut to introducing HV people into your life. It takes a few months to even start to get comfortable with people/see who you'd like to get to know better, and most communities have a pile of low-value people. Often at least a decent portion of these types tend to fit the stereotypes of whatever group they're part of, so keeping this in mind will at least give you a starting point of what to look for to cut people off (e.g., if you try climbing or break into any alternative community, watch out for grimey van-dwellers & "eThIcAlLy nOnMoNoGaMoUs" types). These idiots think they're unique, but they're not.

And make sure you do things you'd be interested in doing regardless of whether you meet someone, friend or otherwise. The focus should always be on you and enjoying your life!

Finally, are you close-ish to any larger cities, or even similarly-sized towns? If so you could branch out and try doing some of these things there. It's always good to date someone conveniently close to you, but if you want to branch out, FDS vetting strategies will keep you safe from time-wasters anyway.

Edit: Typos 😂

aeorimithros · 2021-12-16T14:40:51+00:00

Questions:

What about living alone was missing?
What does living with your mother give you?
How would a man fill that spot?
What is the emotional need that you're using other people as a crutch for?
Can you really not move?
If it comes between your job and finding a HVM which are you prioritising?
Can you get a therapist and see them weekly?

Constant-Wanderer · 2021-12-16T19:50:25+00:00

This reads a lot like you think that you need a man more than you want one. That’s a great combination for winding up with a man who’s mainly attracted to neediness.

Think outside the box - instead of depending on external factors like men, find a path to self-completion. It’s the most free you’ll ever be.

MissouriBlue · 2021-12-16T20:10:22+00:00

I live outside a town of 900.

I feel your struggle regarding the dating pool.

I also am living completely without human contact. My work is solitary. I sleep alone.

I’ve spent six months therapy’ing with a Zoom therapist. She’s my Rent-a-Friend. Look into that…

Your anxiety is the problem. Not the dating pool.

Get yourself back in therapy. You have not become a solid, stable, datable woman yet.

Don’t shack up with a guy just to avoid dealing with your own anxiety. Adopting someone else’s issues will not solve yours.

Drop back and get your head on straight or your crown will tumble off… 👸🏻

all_or_nothing_bet · 2021-12-16T18:55:15+00:00

You don't have many options here, like literally only three:

1) Settle for a LVM. 2) Stay single and hope for a miracle that an HVM moves into your town AND will be willing to get coupled with you. 3) Move to a larger city.

DivineGoddess1111111 · 2021-12-16T11:45:38+00:00

It sounds like you want to meet someone to get a new housemate?

fireforestfairy · 2021-12-16T11:02:57+00:00

I don't think there is a specific way to meet HVM. The truth is it depends on luck more than anything else. I guess you can technically maximise your chances if finding a HVM by joining numerous activities. However, given how most men are LV, you'll just probably come across more LVM so I don't recommend joining activities just for the sake of meeting men. And nope, I don't think moving to a city with a large population will help. I live in a big city and I still haven't come across a single HVM I am attracted to who likes me back.

xfelugirlx · 2021-12-16T21:33:08+00:00

I red that you can’t have a pet then you can try going to the gym or some classes to meet people. You don’t need a man to fill that space, you need yourself and friends

lucidlotus · 2021-12-17T06:07:59+00:00

It’s very difficult to build a good relationship with someone HV if you don’t have a solid foundation of self-sufficiency and strength on your own. Even if you met a HVM tomorrow, your current state and feelings of “lacking” a man or housemate would be a huge detriment to developing a good relationship. More therapy seems in order. But talk therapy has limitations and might not work for something so deep-rooted. You might give it another shot, but I also suggest looking into EMDR through a therapist listed at www.emdria.org. It’s worked wonders for me.

myheartisfulloflove · 2021-12-16T15:10:02+00:00

I’ll tell you what, I don’t suggest OLD since it’s going to make you feel worse about your situation. I’m really sorry you’re feeling this way, OP. However, I do agree with the others to not go after any regular guy just to soothe your feelings of loneliness and anxiety.

You said you tried therapy and it didn’t worked. That’s fair. Could there maybe be a support group you can join? It’s not going to expose you to single HVM, but it’s a way to meet other people who are in the same predicament as you, and will allow you to see that you’re not alone with your thoughts and feelings. They can also show you how to manage difficult feelings when you’re alone in your apartment. It’s good to learn skills like these when we’re adults.

Another thing I can suggest is to build your social circle. Start to talk to your colleagues and see if there are social activities you can all do once or twice a week. Lots of women think they can ease their feelings of loneliness by just getting into a relationship, but this is a horrible idea. If anything, you could fall into a toxic or abusive relationship because you’ll be giving off a certain air that will attract predators. Hold off on dating until you can learn how to live in solitude and with yourself peacefully.

Since your town/city is boring and there’s not a lot to do, another thing I can suggest is to join online communities. Nothing to do with love, relationships, dating, none of that. What are your hobbies? Your interests? Is there an online group you can join and chat with others about the things that interests you? That is a very easy way to branch out anywhere in the world and can expose you to new friends. I’ve known people who met their next best friend or spouse, and many of these people live much closer than you think! But again, go with this with the idea that you’re meeting others through a shared interest.

Sunshine_Daisies2525 · 2021-12-17T13:19:01+00:00

Yet another question for AskFDS. 👀

This is a poor mind-set for both your personal life and your career. What could you possibly be doing professionally that you couldn’t do somewhere else? It’s just not a good career strategy to feel stuck and like you could not move away. What’s your plan b?

Title	Where to look to find HVM?
Author	Laraaway
Upvotes	73
Comments	34
Date	December 16, 2021 10:26 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/rhnyi4/where_to_look_to_find_hvm/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/where-to-look-to-find-hvm.1092172 https://theredarchive.com/post/1092172

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