How to not get anxious before dates?

VintagePallor · 2022-01-18T16:12:22+00:00

Have you been doing pre-screening video chats as recommended? I was very skeptical of the concept at first but I find it very useful for vetting and it also helps take the pressure off of the first date since you've already interacted!

Buggy1218 · 2022-01-18T16:28:22+00:00

It’s like a job interview. Your first one at 18 fresh out of high school was probably nerve wracking. At 25, with multiple jobs behind me, knowing what pay I expect and what conditions I’m willing to accept, it’s a totally flipped script. They should be grateful for my labor and meet my standards, and I go to interviews with that mindset.

Dating is the same. They should be trying to impress you. Do you like them? Are they attractive to you? Are their manners up to par? Do they seem interesting enough to keep seeing?

It’s your life, and up to you to decide if they get a place in it. Go into it with the mindset that you have nothing to lose.

herbivorouscarnivore · 2022-01-18T16:42:46+00:00

If you are vetting properly, it shouldn’t feel like getting tossed next to someone you know nothing about.

I go into every meeting with the belief that people are fortunate to spend time with me. I’m awesome, and as long as I believe that, it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. And only a loser would try to knock me down a peg or two instead of thinking it’s amazing that two awesome people managed to connect.

Unleash your inner awesome, sis!

MacrameGoose34 · 2022-01-18T16:47:26+00:00

Its ok to be anxious, and its a protector. If he isn't doing things to set you at ease physically, then your anxiety is doing its job.

yoursultana · 2022-01-18T16:16:24+00:00

Personally don’t think OLD is worth it. You’re anxious bc your mind/body know you’re meeting a complete stranger that could be lying about their entire identity, who wouldn’t even have the ability to approach you in real life. It’s just so unnatural and forced imo. Men on OLD are the worst quality by far.

vitryolic · 2022-01-18T20:17:29+00:00

Anxiety flare-ups are your body’s way of warning you about something. The core issue is not the anxiety, think of that as the symptom, when really you need to find a real cure for the cause.

From your other replies, it sounds like the core issue is your self esteem. Honestly your self esteem needs to be sky high to date, especially using something as low-reward as OLD. Your body is trying to warn you of that, because when we have lower self esteem it makes us more accepting of negative scenarios.

Take longer to work on that, it is kinder to yourself to not rush or force yourself to be ready. With deeper personal growth you’ll evolve to the point you won’t care at all what these guys think, as you won’t need or want any male validation. It’s okay to not be there yet, but more destructive if you keep trying to push past the pain.

plumeriaworld · 2022-01-18T16:08:18+00:00

I just stopped caring and once I realized I am a Queen and these men are lucky to sit across from me, I stopped getting nervous. I don’t think I have ever showed up on a first date from OLD where the man would be someone who even has the opportunity to ask me out had we met IRL (meaning the guys would never be in my space or they would never even approach me). Most men on apps are usually desperate imo. Once you come to terms with this truth, you simply can’t get nervous. I do dread the potential awkwardness or glances from other people that are likely thinking “what an odd pairing.”

Olympia43 · 2022-01-18T22:48:44+00:00

I usually cancel dates when I get too anxious about them. Dating should be a fun and overall nice experience to have, not another stress event we add to our pile. And I usually think about the reasons why I'm so anxious to meet this guy : is it because of something he says or does that makes me uncomfortable ? Is it because I smell lovebombing and it triggers me ? Is it because I'm too caught up with him and my judgement is clouded ?

Also, doing phone calls (from 20 - 30 min) and pre-screening face times is now mandatory for me. It is so so helpful to filter men before meeting them and it helps making the first real date more natural.

Pahapan · 2022-01-18T17:06:20+00:00

I'd get super anxious before dates and I realized it's because I have a lot of insecurities. Dates are a lot like job interviews and I realized that, were I to go on a date with a man of actual quality, I would be unqualified. We all want a HVM but we have to ask ourselves, "Am I a HVW?" I realized I'm not. Not yet, anyway. So I'm not dating while I focus on leveling up. I went back to school because I was always insecure about only having an associate's. After I graduate I'm going to pursue my dream career, because I was always insecure about languishing in the shitty job I have. I started going to the dentist to fix my messed up teeth, because that was always something I was insecure about (and let me tell you, it's made me feel SO MUCH BETTER about myself). On my to-do list is to start a workout regimen and therapy. I have various goals I want to achieve before I start dating again, including having an apartment on my own.

You said you think you know why you experience this anxiety, but are you sure that's the reason? If you're anything like me, the anxiety is because you know you're being evaluated and that you're not a version of yourself yet that you're truly proud of. If that's true, the solution is to postpone dating while you focus on self improvement. imo, the only way to date that's fair to yourself is from a place of security and self-love. Maybe you're not there yet?

seadragon6 · 2022-01-18T21:26:57+00:00

I recommend reading FDS-recommended dating books. Over and over, if need be, until you feel more confident and embody what they preach.

Platipus6 · 2022-01-18T22:11:58+00:00

Do you have complex-ptsd, fawn type? Where you feel you have to be on your best behaviour and impress people so they'll like you? That if you're not helpful and compliant, they'll abandon you? That men are doing the choosing and you have to be good enough? That regular men who don't want a relationship with you are fine, but once he's "potential husband" you get nervous and seek his approval?

http://www.pete-walker.com/codependencyFawnResponse.htm

Fawn types seek safety by merging with the wishes, needs and demands of others. They act as if they believe that the price of admission to any relationship is the forfeiture of all their needs, rights, preferences and boundaries. The disenfranchisement of the fawn type begins in childhood. She learns early that a modicum of safety and attachment can be gained by becoming the helpful and compliant servant of her exploitive parents.

ewokblubber · 2022-01-18T20:30:15+00:00

I think to figure out what might help you, you need to figure out what you're anxious about.

Think about it. What exactly is making you anxious? Do you fear for your safety? If so, is it because the man you're going out with is displaying red flags? Do you feel embarrassment at the notion of being seen with your date in public? If so, are you actually attracted to him? Do you feel anxious about having to 'entertain'? If so, have you fully realised yet that it's his job to prove his worth to you?

BedazzledSwashbuckle · 2022-01-18T18:14:32+00:00

Can you do some freelancing for a local publication? Practice seeking out random interview subjects for your story, asking them questions, listening, soliciting more information from them, getting them comfortable enough that they let their guard down ... ?

That's really all the dating advice you need. Dating is less about getting someone to like you and more about getting someone to share themselves with you verbally. (Of course, you don't want your dates to feel like an interview four dates in ... this is just for date one, maybe 2, before you know much at all about the person.)

WinterDoughnut · 2022-01-18T20:02:23+00:00

I walk in expecting the absolute worst and I don’t get nervous for that reason.

Title	How to not get anxious before dates?
Author	kolsen92
Upvotes	139
Comments	28
Date	January 18, 2022 4:03 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/s70ukr/how_to_not_get_anxious_before_dates/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/how-to-not-get-anxious-before-dates.1096887 https://theredarchive.com/post/1096887

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