Shame

Hi there,

I've lurked here for a while and am glad to be part of this community. I'd like to share this with some of you as it's a bit vulnerable for me, but would like to get off my chest and try to leave it in the past as much as humanly possible.

April 2021 my wife asked for a divorce. No children, but had been together for 12 years (basically since highschool). We seperated, and I became suicidal, was admitted to the ER.. and then made an attempt but survived. At the time, I thought to myself that I will never ever be there again.. ever. I wanted to live, and so started hiking daily, running 6 miles every other day, being with friends as much as I could.

While I was effectively going through this change, I was able to get in shape and just barely started going on dates again. My ex and I were still communicating, but just to try and keep it to the divorce as my mental health has always been a concern.

One day, she called me and asked if I wanted to hang out.. and I agreed. We kind of had what I believed was a closure talk about things since we both really didn't do this. I met at her place, and we went out on our kayaks, talked for a long time, and got some food to talk divorce stuff.

As the weeks went by she asked me if I would be interested in dating again. Honestly, at this point I feel as though I accepted we just would not be together and was taken aback but thought of this as a chance to right the wrongs, start over, and rekindle.. no expectations.. you know?

At this point I cut off a tie with someone I went on a date with and told them I was not ready for that currently (I really was not yet, but was happy to see her she was kind).

My wife and I rekindled our relationship, and we started dating and she moved back in with me at the house. Eventually we had a fire and burned the divorce paperwork. We went on a trip together which turned out to be wonderful, were intimate, connected, and I told her the things I wanted in life (kids, a future, etc.). There was no pressure for children, but I did say within a few years I was hoping to start a family.

She then started to make some requests that I would deem uncharacteristic of her (the old her), but again we kind of did our own thing for a while and I accepted some of these things as best as I could.

She bought me tickets to go see UFC, contributed to all the bills, worked together on the relationship, and really showed up for things. I felt like this iteration of us was just amazing and mutual in a lot of respects.. seeing her family again, seeing her happy, working on building a life.

2 weeks ago I was holding her in bed and noticed she was fidgeting with her hands which she used to do when she was anxious. I asked her what was wrong and she didn't really respond I don't believe.. meds are fucking my memory up but either way. The following week we were on the futon talking about divorce, I told her she had to to tell me if she wasn't in the marriage before she goes out of state. She told me she wasn't in it.. and didn't want the marriage.

It's a mindfuck because I felt like we didn't get it right the first time, or as best we could.. and the second time around it really did feel different. She told me she wanted to grow old with me.. and that she loves me deeply. But at times, I could feel her not trusting the situation.. I don't know how to say it.

Anyway.. since Friday of last week I've been an absolute wreck and all I feel is shame. Shame for trying again, shame that I won't find peace and happiness in my life, shame that I've already talked to friends and family about divorce the first time. I am having suicidal thoughts, but know I don't really want to take that way out of this life.. but I also have no idea what to do now. It feels like the first time, except so much more difficult because I don't want to bother anyone with this. I called the suicide hotline this morning, and they talked with me for a while.

Mentally I'm just not doing well at all. Yesterday I was able to run for 6 miles, I'm at work today.. and trying to just get through each day. It feels like the fog has come back into my life and no hope is visible. I can support my house with having minimal ($500) leftover at the end of each month. I checked with my old job to see if I could pick up some shifts and get some extra cash to help with finances. There is a hot stone it feels like in my chest.. it feels like this will never get better. I just need to talk to an audience and hear thoughts. Success stories? Anything really. At this point I never want to get remarried again, but I still want children.

If you have read this far.. thank you so very much.