Conflicted about having kids with my man due to age gap..

AriesAsF · 2022-04-21T01:24:50+00:00

I'm just genuinely curious about how you got 2 and a half years into a relationship and never had the kids conversation.

toxic9813 · 2022-04-20T23:26:46+00:00

I've seen this happen with my male friends. You never EVER want to compromise on an issue as big as whether or not to have children. Having the discussion is very important, because if he never wants kids, you have to decide if you can live with that for the rest of your life. There's no halfway measure. Getting a dog doesn't count.

It'll either be his way, or your way. And resentment is really toxic to marriages.

FreyjaNoctua · 2022-04-21T03:31:52+00:00

My mom has an 18 year age gap with my step-dad. They had my brother when my step-dad was 49. My step-dad is 66.

My mother-in-law has a 20 year age gap with her husband. They got married when she was in her 50s. My step-father-in-law is 75.

Neither man takes care of himself health wise so their wives often feel like nurse maids. My step-dad has had multiple back surgeries and is pre-diabetic. My step-FIL had heart surgery and is a sugar-addicted diabetic. Both men are stuck in their ways and don't feel the need to grow with their partners. Both men feel like their good years are behind them and so never feel like doing anything new because they've "seen it all." My brother never had a super active dad that would play with him or take him to do man things because my step-dad had the mentality that he was just too old. Neither my mom or MIL have had sex for years because their husbands don't have a drive at all.

I do love both of these men, don't get me wrong. But my mom and MIL look like they've had their vitality drained from them. Yes, you get a lot of security from an older man. But oftentimes you're sacrificing so much more as the younger woman: a family, adventure, generational understanding, physical passion, living in a house not centered around death and disease...

Do what makes you happy, but this has been the observation in my life.

OkraGarden · 2022-04-21T02:05:46+00:00

My husband is 11 years older than me and his parents also have an 11 year gap. We had all our kids when I was in my 20s because my mom was in her 40s when I was born and I didn't want to do that to my own kids. It is hard having an older mom in ways people don't expect. I think that helped a lot because we were both still young enough to be active parents. The only time the age gap is annoying is when we can't relate to each other's childhoods. We grew up in very different eras and not being able to share memories of it can be sad sometimes.

Caregiving is going to be part of most people's marriages at some point or another and is a reason to get married, not avoid it. If you both can't commit to sticking by each other through life's hard times then marriage is not for you. Just because he is the older one doesn't mean you won't get struck with cancer, an autoimmune disease, or a car accident in middle age while he remains healthy. Even if you stay healthy it doesn't make sense to turn down a good husband and a good life just because he may start needing assited living at 85 when you are only 70. You should want someone who isn't going to leave when it's not fun anymore and you should try not to be that type of person as well.

I don't think your age gap is a problem. What concerns me is your hesitancy. If you have to ask the internet whether you should stay with him, you should leave. If you really loved him and saw a future with him you would have no doubts.

angelicasinensis · 2022-04-21T04:09:03+00:00

My husband is 10 years older than me and he is healthier and has more energy than me- his grandparents are alive and I haven’t had any in years.

OmarNBradley · 2022-04-20T23:40:49+00:00

I think you need to seriously consider whether or not this is the right man for you. No amount of desirable traits will make him younger and at 40, he very well might not want kids. It's telling that he hasn't brought it up in two and a half years.

You listed some excellent issues you two might face, but you also need to consider one more vitally important fact. Old sperm is not good sperm, any more than old eggs are good eggs. If you do want children, there is a higher chance that the two of you will face fertility issues, especially if you wait. Seriously. Google it. Know all the facts.

You should talk to him about this. He may not even want children and that might be your answer. If he does, then you should discuss some unromantic issues like those you've mentioned and perhaps even life insurance and a will. For all the reasons you noted (and many others), I would not recommend having children with him outside of marriage. With this age difference, you'll need that legal safety net more.

Regardless, talk to him. This is something you should be discussing together. It's a little concerning that you haven't already had this talk so far into the relationship.

swimmingindaisies · 2022-04-21T00:01:44+00:00

First, talk to him and find out if he even wants kids. Then go into the nitty gritty details of it. Did you just decide you wanted to have kids and previously didn’t want to or just that you feel now is the time you want to start having them?

On being a caretaker: If your man keeps active, eats healthy, keeps a sharp mind, and takes care of himself well, this shouldn’t be much of a problem. You also don’t know what will happen. You could be the one needing a caretaker earlier on. Hopefully not, but life happens.

On lower sex drive: I can’t speak much on this, but the two of you should be able to come to a compromise on your sex life. And there will be times (possibly when pregnant or postpartum) where your sex drive may significantly drop or times when you physically can’t have intercourse. You both need to agree to take care of each other in the ways that you can.

On being in different life stages: You already knew this when you got together. One of the reasons I love being with an older man is because we’re in different life stages. However, despite that, we have a lot in common, a lot to talk about, and a lot we agree on, even being in different stages in life.

On having kids with age gap parents: The only difference I can think of on this is him being older compared to their peers’ dads. Like I said, if he keeps active and fit and takes care of himself, he won’t be huffing and puffing trying to run after the kids.

On growing old together: This is the sacrifice that’s made with being with an older man. It makes me sad to think about, too. But then again, neither of us know what the future holds or who will die first. And again, if he takes care of himself, he will be able to live well into old age. Unless by some miracle, the whole “dying together” thing really is just for the movies.

One more thing to think about: While you have many more years of fertility and birthing kids, he.. does not. The older he gets, the higher the chances will be on birthing healthy kids with him. He may be fine for now, since you say he eats well and stays fit, which helps a lot, but just something you want to keep in mind.

All that being said, we shouldn’t think too much into the future like this, honestly. That’s where we spiral. I’m a few years younger than you and in a 16-year age gap with my man. Bottom line is you have no idea what will end up happening. Focus on enjoying the time you have with him now. And talk to him about how you’re feeling, if he says he also wants kids. (And like another commenter said, I would not recommend having kids outside of marriage.) He will more than likely understand and might have thought about these things, too.

sunglasses90 · 2022-04-21T17:44:07+00:00

Well, you’ll want to be married before you have kids. Have you guys talked about marriage and kids? You’re young, but not too young for marriage and kids. He’s definitely old enough. I feel like this is something you need to talk about.

My fiancé and I had the talk after 6 months. Popped a bottle wine and discussed marriage and when we wanted to get married and if we wanted kids and how many. There’s no point in waiting. You’re just wasting time by not having the discussion.

Maybe he doesn’t want marriage or kids if he’s never mentioned it In 2 years.

RobMitchum · 2022-04-21T10:00:50+00:00

easy: since he’s healthy just start smoking 2 packs a day and drinking seed oils and you’ll croak 15 years before him 🙃

angelicasinensis · 2022-04-21T04:11:35+00:00

Also I had my first baby at 24… my husband was totally on board. Just ask him.

emmalai85 · 2022-04-21T11:53:59+00:00

Dump him if you want. Today is my husband's 50th birthday, and I'm pregnant. Our age gap is a little less then 15 years.

We've been married 16 years.

If he's the right person, you'll love him as much as you can and cherish each day you get.

If he's not. Don't waste his time.

I've seen too many widows who had husband's less then 5 years apart. I knew 3 before I moved who'd all been widowed by/before 30 due to freak accidents at work.

You can't predict the future. In my case my husband's family history is consistent with men and women hitting 100. Where as 70to 80 has been the last couple generations of women in my family. (I've had some live to 100, but we will see) I'm not too worried about outlining him, but if I do, we've had enough children for me to still have family I care about in my life

itsmemaggi · 2022-04-20T23:39:57+00:00

I don't know if the age gap means too much. SMV-wise, you're both at around peak for your sex. Your fertility is only going to go down from here. We only have a 6-year gap, but my husband and I just had our 4th last year when he was 40, and it was pretty great, but I had a much easier time conceiving my first 3 kids (with the same man - we just waited for #4) when I was in my early 20s. I'd bring it up, maybe leave off the misgivings and just say, "I'm feeling like I want to have kids, what do you think?" I mean, the worst that could happen is, he says no, but then at least you know where you stand on it.

Gullible-Layer-434 · 2022-04-21T01:24:24+00:00

You don't like him like that. Pretty obvious.

JD1386 · 2022-04-21T10:34:40+00:00

If you’re not talking to him about it then you’re in your own personal echo chamber. I assume he loves you and would want to collaborate with you to come up with a creative approach to the question. Having kids is a sacrifice and both parents will suffer. You have to decide as a couple if you’re willing to make that sacrifice. We made it for 2 kids and we had tremendous support from family and it was still really hard. The kids are now in their 40’s and turned out well. But I’m not going to lie. It’s hard stuff. His being older might help balance things and make him a better Dad. My brother had his 3rd kid at 40. The kid is at MIT getting an advanced degree. What I don’t hear much on social media is the satisfaction of creating human beings who can help the human species. We need more well educated kids to save the planet.

Sunshine12e · 2022-04-21T16:36:58+00:00

Well, marrying someone close in age is no guarantee that you will grow old together, either.

VasiliyZaitzev · 2022-04-21T09:24:06+00:00

So it kinda feels like you are trying to talk yourself out of having a relationship with him, and that's fine. An age gap relationship isn't everyone's thing.

It breaks my heart to think of my elder woman self as a widow for a long time.

That could happen with a young guy, too. In fact, either one of you, your bf, or your hypothetical 10 year younger alternate universe bf could get hit by a bus at any time. That you are rationalizing based on what the situation might be 30 or 40 years into the future indicates to me that you are trying to talk yourself out of the relationship.

The good thing is, he is really healthy, eats well, has always been into holistic health - so he takes vitamins and supplements, exercises, etc.

This is the key. If he stays away from high-carb eating, and meds and such that make him insulin resistant, and he stays in shape then his libido should be fine. I say that as a 54 y.o. guy who runs of soft-harem of 20-somethings. It's not like when I was 19 and needed sex more than I needed oxygen (or so it seemed), but I don't have any difficulty keeping up with them. Anyway, he can always go on TRT if he needs to, one imagines.

As /u/Gullible-Layer-434 mentioned, you don't seem enthused about having "his" kids. If you were, you wouldn't be thinking this way. Ex. Two of my girls have told me that it's "ok" for me to not use condoms going forward. Neither of them are on the pill, so basically they are answering "Tell me you want to have my baby without telling me you want to have my baby." Neither of them seems at all concerned that I'm 54 and they are in their 20s. Now, sure, I'm an outlier in most of the ways, but the age difference involved is ~2x yours with your bf.

FWIW, on the "child of older parents" front, My parents were in their early 40s when I was born, and they both died when I was in my early 40s, and I never felt "cheated" that my elder sister had them for 20 years longer than I did.

goldenappletits · 2022-04-21T13:35:15+00:00

Hi! My husband is 9 years older than me - an older Millennial (38) and me (29). There are different cultural references. For the age gap reason, and a lot of others (I love working, and writing and art, and wouldn't have time for my hobbies), we decided to be childfree and devote ourselves to our nephews and friend's kids. But honestly, I know lots of people with 20 year age gaps that are pleased as pudding to have kids! I'd say, invest in life insurance for the husband as we have done, and max out as much of your retirement savings as you can, live below your means, and invest what is left over. I wouldn't be surprised if I die before my beloved husband, dementia, cancer, heart disease, and diabetes and Parkinson's run in my family, whereas his family lives until their 90s, and my health is never the best. But I think of it - the time with him is worth being alone in the end. And lots of widows and widowers have second marriages - I'd devote myself to his memory for a few years, then maybe start dating again, or maybe my friends, who I cherish and have a lot of, brothers, in laws, and nephews will keep me occupied! I always wanted to be the old lady or auntie that fed all the kids in the neighborhood, I love to cook. I'm 29, and have always felt old, lol. I look forward to my golden years with my husband, and would love to retire with him, then cherish his memories.

pearlsandstilettos · 2022-04-21T11:12:32+00:00

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golden_eyed_cat · 2022-04-21T13:05:54+00:00

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Catherine772023 · 2022-04-21T13:59:16+00:00

Getting married and having kids is a huge commitment that countless people can’t handle because they married the wrong person before they were actually sure. If you can’t talk about it he’s not the right man for you.

If you think you can’t handle sexual incompatibilities now maybe you should re consider before it actually happens. This is exactly the sort of situation people describe that lead them to be tempted to cheat on their partners. I don’t condone it but please don’t go down that path.

Those who are happily married often say they felt confident they were with the right person and you aren’t that confident as this question clearly shows.

Don’t do it unless you’re sure of yourself. Maybe someday but at this point you’re clearly not.

You then say you’re not even sure you want kids.

ungar508 · 2022-04-25T08:43:28+00:00

My mom and dad is same hahaa

Dont worry just make the kids if you want them

Have kids if you are ready Age dosent matter ,he can make sprem and you are still feritel So nothing cna stop ya

Hope you have a wounderfull family op 👏👍

Title	Conflicted about having kids with my man due to age gap..
Author	lovetravel56
Upvotes	30
Comments	39
Date	April 20, 2022 9:39 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/u879ar/conflicted_about_having_kids_with_my_man_due_to/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/conflicted-about-having-kids-with-my-man-due-to.1111832 https://theredarchive.com/post/1111832

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