Does it get better?

mfolivas · 2022-05-14T17:39:32+00:00

Bro, this breaks my heart, because all of us know the pain. Few things:

find the things that you already enjoy - hunting, swimming, paddleboard
get out of the house and start moving - hit the gym, be around nature, find a mentor or group, meetup, but make it about men (jiu-jitsu, CrossFit, whatever)
I started a accountability group with 4 other men in the same situation (we were all betrayed by our wives). You can probably look for something similar in your area. Remember, talking heals man.
Get back to your faith/philosophy - whatever that is (Christian, Budisim, stoic) but seek something higher
More importantly, your mind is like a Google search, if you're always thinking "man, I am so miserable" (again bro, we've all been there) your mind is automatically going to figure out why you SHOULD be miserable. Become the best version of yourself. Write that down and execute it every day.
Dude, you're going to be ok...you will, but at the beginning, you're not going to be ok...but eventually you will

jasonb197719 · 2022-05-14T17:42:25+00:00

It gets better. Gym everyday. Eat right. Don’t drink alcohol. Do this for thirty days straight and check back with us. 👍

WartimeDad · 2022-05-14T17:19:38+00:00

Yeah man it definitely gets better. Way way better. It takes time to process what happened, find yourself again, and get down the road to mental well being. I highly recommend lifting heavy weights, because it sends feel good chemicals to your brain and lets you channel the bad energy into something good- your health.

But regardless just go easy on yourself. It’s okay to feel down and out rn. You just went through, are going through, some really brutal crap! It’s totally normal to feel like it’s the all shit and that it will be shit forever. The truth is not what your depressed mind is feeding it in this moment. The truth is that your best days are ahead of you, not behind you.

velesxrxe · 2022-05-14T18:14:30+00:00

It does get better. As hard as that may be for you to believe at this moment. You just went through or are going through one of the most traumatic events a person can experience in their life.

The language you are using indicates that you may be experiencing depression, which may be exacerbated by your introversion. For your kids’ sake you have to try to snap out of it. Go to the gym, get outside, find a hobby, talk to family and friends. Post on this forum. Don’t keep the negativity bottled up. It’ll consume you.

They key is to realize you have many many more years of life ahead of you and that this moment does not define your existence.

It’s fine being introverted

Gattsama · 2022-05-15T00:11:07+00:00

Sorry you are going through this man. You say you are introverted, that has a lot of different meanings. Based on your message I assume you mean you want to interact with people but either don't like interacting or feel nervous interacting.

First, isolation is not bad. Men need to be comfortable in isolation. Fear of being alone is a feminine worry, we adopted it as men due to our gynocentric society. Step back and ask yourself why you worry about being alone? what do you truly want instead? what would happen if you are alone? do you only have self worth with others? do you get bored? do you prefer others to make plans or for others to join you in your plans? etc. etc.

Not wanting to try new things is fine. Yes you won't meet new people, but again that's ok if that's what you truly want. What I suspect happened though is you are one of millions of men that have been programmed by society to see themselves only as a useful tool and to fulfill a role: husband, father, employee, friend, etc. And all of those roles provided you external validation.

But anything that is given can be taken away, and now that you are losing all of that external validation, and those roles are being destroyed you have no sense of purpose or self to fill the void.

As men, we have voluntarily given up our power, and then complain about how powerless we are. So does it get better yes. Once you accept that you are the master of your life and everything is within. It is not the event itself that upsets a man, but his view of it. The only two things we can control are our thoughts and feelings. Everything else is beyond our control.

So it's not easy, pleasant or fun; but once you can step back and accept this; then you can get started on making a new mission for yourself. An internal mission, a mission of self actualization, where you validate yourself and externals are just that.

First, step way back and take the time to write down all the traits, characteristics and goals of what you consider to be a great man. Someone who is: emotionally fit, mentally fit, physically fit and financially fit. Then take steps to make that happen.

That's our mission. You create and choose it. Once you are right with you, then you can choose to add (or not) women, work, kids, society, etc as you like. This is why a lot of groups advocate not getting into another relationship right away, because all that is doing is getting a new source of external validation and often starting the whole process over again (compare 2nd marriage divorce rates to 1st marriage rates; or worst 3rd ?!?).

Dude, we are not trying to lecture you. And I hope you can her the love in all these posts. We have all been there, different stories but same end point. Most of us make it to the other side. But divorce is the leading cause of male suicide for a reason. So PLEASE seek all support possible: this group, family, friends, a support group, therapy, hobbies, online guild, etc.

Remember that while your mission is something you create and execute, you are surrounded by other people that love you and want you to succeed. Get this, I have never meant you, I don't know your posting history. And I am going to be pulling for you to succeed. I'll be looking for updates 'oh yeah, I remember this guy posting before; how's he doing.' You are never alone, alone and isolation are not the same thing.

Stay safe out there...

hockeyguy013 · 2022-05-15T09:25:40+00:00

Get a dog bro, no other relationship will even come close.

PatternNormal4817 · 2022-05-14T17:23:44+00:00

Hey, it gets better, I know trying new things is hard, but try something you know you already like. My situation was similar, in regards to my ex monopolizing my time, so I don’t have many friends either. Also, it’s just different with everyone being at a different point in life than you being divorced. I played soccer growing up, but hadn’t played in years, so I joined an adult soccer league. That’s what I mean by finding something you used to enjoy and then go do that.

You know what’s hard? Going places by yourself, but you are doing it. Sit at the bar at a restaurant, and stay off your phone so you can talk to those around you.

Things get better, but like anything in life, you have to put the effort into it. You’ve got this.

RedditDude07467 · 2022-05-14T17:25:29+00:00

Try jiu-jitsu or some other martial art. It’s really helped a lot of guys trying to regroup their lives.

Gxl4 · 2022-05-14T19:14:04+00:00

Being introvert is actually a really usefull thing buddy, however i do believe you’re not really an introvert since you “wouldn’t mind getting hit by a bus”

Try to go to the gym and after a while you’ll get to know some dudes there. Shooting clubs are fun, or BJJ dojo’s have a really cool “brotherhood” , it takes some time to build up but its worth it.

Now seriously, try to not get hit by a bus.. hit me up if you want to talk man 🤙

My-Tattoo-is-Bearded · 2022-05-15T13:06:41+00:00

It hurts. But don’t skip out on feeling all the feelings. Stay away from alcohol and such to anesthetize. Whatever you resist, will persist. Go to therapy. Get help leaning into the real hard stuff. Therapy is like rocket fuel for healing! If you don’t face it, all the stuff will linger longer. It definitely gets better.

Darkkdrifter · 2022-05-14T17:21:43+00:00

Hey man we could game out and hang if you want, you're more than welcome

tanotsurewhattodo12 · 2022-05-14T17:34:44+00:00

You absolutely need to find a hobby or three. It is one of the best ways to take your mind off of things. I say three because one hobby isn't going to fulfil you day in and day out. I like to work out, watch movies, build things, make music, etc. The combo of those things keeps me busy enough most of the time. Then you have friends/family (some more than others of course), take a drive, do yard work, read a book, etc. LOT of things you can do, you just have to get out of your head that you can't/wont do them.. and do them. Take up a kick boxing class. Learn a new instrument. Paint the house. Build a table. Learn how to weld with a torch or arc. Buy a 3d printer and make things. Buy a CNC machine and build things. You got this.

dday_throwaway3 · 2022-05-14T17:37:46+00:00

Get a hobby.

nothing-2do · 2022-05-14T21:57:12+00:00

Depends on how you look at it. Yes either way it gets better. It will either hurt alot less or you'll be happier than you ever thought

TraditionalThing8279 · 2022-05-15T00:38:21+00:00

It does get better but it can take a while. Took me 6 months to a year to care about doing much of anything.

AcademicSolution2720 · 2022-05-15T17:10:45+00:00

I’m going through a separation right now. I don’t want it but it’s happening. As adults it’s hard to meet people or get friends. Funny enough all my friends that I’ve made in the last 3 years are axe throwers. I started working at a venue and joined an axe throwing league. The community is very welcoming and wants the best for you. It’s remarkable. Try joining a league doing something. Anything just to get out of your head and focus on yourself.

2022-05-14T23:03:26+00:00

It gets so much better. Just give it some time. Initial 3/4 months will be tough, not because you miss her or anything. But simply because going back to single mode after a serious, potentially lifelong commitment is a mindfuck. But eventually you learn to enjoy yourself and the time you have.

2022-05-16T17:53:35+00:00

Damn, I could have wrote this. Just can't find any motivation beyond time kids and my job, barely hanging on to those. I'm not as far along as you and worry about how much of this I can handle. I gave everything to this family and this woman, never good enough and CA law does not work well in a father's favor. she going for full custody and to get me to pay for her to stay in the house I pay for (she's earned worked in 16+ years which works against me). If she gets her way I feel like hopping in my truck and heading to Mexico, for good.

bacon-wrapped-steak · 2022-05-14T17:18:59+00:00

I know the feeling. It's not easy. I've found it enjoyable to talk to other people out at restaurants in my community. It's also a good idea to find a Bible believing Church where you can find Christian friends. My Christian friends have probably had the most positive impact on my life recently.

Mountain_Split_2381 · 2022-05-15T04:15:32+00:00

Must get closer to God man! I can only imagine how you feel, but I am not in your position, but I can only speak for myself when I was.

Please eat well. Second, working out and seeking a new pattern of things is essential. Life is not easy, especially when the kids arent at home with you. Yes, they are dearly missed and sometimes we can suddenly weep(normal). Never give up on yourself no matter the circumstances. Listen to "Above Inspiration" via YouTube~ it helped me calm down and reoriente my life. Wish you the best!

michaelrhodes1977 · 2022-05-14T22:49:37+00:00

It definitely can.

I have many examples on my podcast.

Rising Phoenix Podcast

I also started a website that has local groups that you can join. We're actually having an event next weekend in Lancaster, PA.

Divorced Men's Network

JonathanApple · 2022-05-16T13:43:48+00:00

It gets better unless you have kids and a turd of an ex. Then she can ruin your kid to try and ruin you. Fun stuff.

pegleg_legal · 2022-05-17T02:57:58+00:00

Sounds like depression - that may or may not get better unless you get help. See a shrink, fix yourself. Then you'll feel better.

Title	Does it get better?
Author	xjeeperx
Upvotes	41
Comments	32
Date	May 14, 2022 5:11 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/uplqj6/does_it_get_better/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/does-it-get-better.1114235 https://theredarchive.com/post/1114235

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