have any of you had to give up on your hobbies and interests to keep the peace between you and your wife?

ijustdontcare74 · 2022-08-29T14:35:41+00:00

It’s a form of control. She wants to control what you do and when. Like you said it doesn’t really matter what it is you’re doing, if it’s not what she wants then it’s wrong. This is NOT ok. You are an adult and free to make your own choices. As long as all chores are done and you’re not totally ignoring time together then having a little downtime is often quite therapeutic. My ex used to do this to me too. I asked her why she wanted me to stop doing the things I loved?Her response was very telling…”because it’s not what I want to do”. So everything would be on her terms only and only what she liked doing. That is not a relationship…it’s a dictatorship.

pearl_harbour1941 · 2022-08-29T14:48:52+00:00

I have a feeling this happens in many marriages. It happened in mine. When we bought our house, it came with a 12ft snooker table in the basement (was too big to remove) and I enjoyed spending 20 or 30 mins potting balls. Within a short space of time, my wife had decided to use the room as a storage room and transfer lots of stuff from her business location to the snooker room. At first it was just stored under the table which was no problem, but after a while it collected around the edges of the room, and finally it piled up on the table itself making it impossible to play.

I never played another frame.

Have you considered that your wife may be suffering from a mild post-natal hormone imbalance? Sometimes they can be hard to spot. My wife did, and when she took iron pills it changed things for her. That wasn't the only supplement she took, but it was a good one.

Otherwise, my suggestion is that it's probably not the games you are playing that actually triggered your wife's disagreeable mood, but she's using that as a proxy. If you can ask her at the right time and in the right way, she may be able to articulate what it really is that's bugging her.

It may be something odd, like her childhood vision of what a family should really be like, but it's not coming true for her. Or it might be something unrelated.

I found (actually I was taught) that "I feel like..." statements somehow hold more sway when having a conversation with my female partner, and if you can disentangle the actions from the person, it also comes across better (or at least like you're not blaming her for stuff).

"I'm so angry that you leave rice to get dried to the bowl" became

"I feel so angry when rice is stuck to the bowl"

I stopped blaming her, and actually burst out laughing at how idiotic I was.

Without more specifics, it's a little hard to give better advice, but I wish you well!

TheStumblingWolf · 2022-08-29T15:12:56+00:00

My wife has a problem with me doing things for myself.

First sentence. Makes one wonder why such a person is his wife. Surely there are better candidates out there.

For a relationship to work there must be room for both people to do things that make them happy. I'd say she needs therapy because the way she handles things not going her way is extremely toxic.

Floofyboy · 2022-08-29T14:28:51+00:00

I think a good book for relationships is Men are from mars and women are from venus. This issue is discussed in the book. Men generally need some alone time, which the women needs to respect ("some alone time" doesn't mean 4 hours every day, it means something like you are describing). And women on their end usually need what i'd call some "venting time" where she complains and you essentially listen.

Its possible that she feels like she isn't getting this "venting time" which is why she is making a big deal out of this. But obviously, she really can't expect you to never have free time. I'd try to have a conversation about this with her. Unfortunately some women don't want to do their part and will not respect you needing alone time.

mandark1171 · 2022-08-29T18:16:23+00:00

My wife has a problem with me doing things for myself.

she cold shoulders me, scolds me, ices me out, and makes me pay for it by putting me “in the dog house” for hours, or days at a time.

Thats called abuse

You need to lawyer up, get evidence of her abuse and get couples counseling as a means to protect yourself cause otherwise she's taking half your assets and you will lose your daughter

Edit: also get the hell off r/relationships they give some of the worst advice and only half listen to what you say especially if you are the guy

WhereProgressIsMade · 2022-08-29T15:32:13+00:00

It took some time for my wife to understand I needed some me time.

There are a lot of adjustments couples go through when a baby comes, so I don't see anything unusual with what you describe.

For whatever reason video games have a bit of a stigma. My wife complained a lot more about that than when I played pick up ultimate frisbee. So, you may have better luck with something like that where any complaints can be met with a simple response that you're getting your exercise in and you want to live as long as you can to be there for your child.

On a flight, they always tell you to put your oxygen mask on before helping others. Taking care of your health is like that.

If you're already active and just didn't mention it, good job.

One piece of advice is once your wife crossing the line into the "nagging" zone, which is sounds like you're there, you pretty much have no choice but to not do what she wants. If you do, you've just trained her on how to get her way and you're going to have a miserable time in that marriage. Once she gives up and stops and it's been at least a few months, than the option may be back on the table. My wife wanted me to get a new commuter car and nagged about it. I just dug my heals in since I really don't care if I drive a rust bucket as long as it runs and doesn't break down too much. So it was probably about a year before she stopped mentioning it, and another year before I got a newer used car.

She never nags me now (married 15 years) because she knows it doesn't work.

One other thing, you need to not be afraid of her possibly filing for divorce. If you let that fear control you, you'll lose all power in the relationship. I experienced that when I was at a point where I wanted to make some changes in my relationship that I was convinced would be for the best, but would rock the boat a bit on the status-quo.

One thing I did from the beginning with dating my wife was to say "no" to something she asked me to do for her at least once a month. It was some advice I picked up and used. It does two things - it helps a bit with her respecting you and it acts as a barometer. If she reacts badly, it can give you a heads up that she's lost or is losing respect for you.

pbj_sammichez · 2022-08-29T17:18:29+00:00

This is very long way to say that your relationship is unhealthy. You "get in trouble" with your wife? She is not an authority figure. If she thinks that sulking is appropriate because she doesn't get her way then she needs to grow the fuck up. You work. She doesn't. You need time, as the breadwinner, to be at home and decompress. She gets the stress of childcare during the day, sure. But she also gets to be at home, not conforming to the needs of a business. When you come home, you deserve free time. You don't deserve to work all day for your family, trying to make clients happy, then to come home and focus on making your wife happy.

Here's the million-dollar question: who is making YOUR happiness a priority?

OldEgalitarianMRA · 2022-08-29T16:54:37+00:00

Happy wife happy life./s

You can't make someone happy. My mother told me my ex was unhappy because she really didn't like being a mom. Be very careful and stay in your child's life.

Could be depression. You may be closer to divorce than you think.

ABeeBox · 2022-08-29T15:09:29+00:00

Yes, but it's my life and she either accepts it or I'm not for her. I'm incredibly introverted and I've made that clear. I can be socially exhausted and I need more alone time than she does.

Maffioze · 2022-08-29T15:21:07+00:00

So a genuine question. Why didn't you tell the people on relationship advice what is really going on? I know most subreddits are biased against men, but you didn't mention the most important thing; how badly she is treating you. To me it looks like she is taking out the frustration related to her disease on you and that isn't okay at all.

trsam · 2022-08-29T16:02:08+00:00

These were a few of the warning signs I ignored.. Be prepared for the worst.. Wish I had understood what I was up against. Sounds like myself a few years ago.. Lost it all. I did.

I think this channel might be helpful.. https://www.youtube.com/c/DoctorRamani

edit: this is a good watch too: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V87G95bGTTk

Good luck mate

ryyybad · 2022-08-29T15:52:57+00:00

Had a similar issue and it ended in divorce.

Ex also had an auto immune disorder— but the main issue was her being generally unhappy with her own life. She didn’t like work, had no hobbies she enjoyed, didn’t like her body. And that misery, she didn’t enjoy me doing anything that brought me any kind of happiness. People like that are very self centered narcissists with a victim mentality.

I was told they would be supportive of my hobbies initially then when it came down to it; they would complain about them. It sucks but it’s really not you, it’s a problem they have and they likely, to be honest, need to go to see a therapist and talk about it with them.

Whatever you do won’t change the situation because they should be happy and supportive of you doing the things that make you happy— so that would be my advice; get her into therapy.

Outrageous_Fondant12 · 2022-08-29T17:46:29+00:00

This sounds like a nightmare situation. You’re literally bending over backwards doing all you can do and more and she isn’t happy? Honestly, that’s BS and I wouldn’t tolerate it for another minute. You guys sound like you need couples therapy or split. Are you going to live the rest of your life living under her thumb?

This makes me incredibly grateful to be with my fiancé. I built an epic man cave and can enjoy all my hobbies whenever I want.

bbog_37 · 2022-08-29T14:27:29+00:00

I'll be honest I didn't read your entire post but the way I see it as long as major responsibilities are taken care of first i.e. family, business, then what's the problem with spending some time to do what you enjoy doing?

Edit: I've read back the part about you making her feel like you don't care about her. That sounds like gaslighting to me bro.

TheSquiggy · 2022-08-29T15:16:44+00:00

Having a newborn is hard. From my own experience I can say there is a dramatic shift that can result in a 'loss of self' She may feel disconnected because she feels like she spends her entire day working for kiddo, the house, the marriage, and not for herself. So she sees the time you put in for your own mental health as a privillage she is not entitled to. And where most people would look to carve a niche for themselves, she has opted to strip your 'me time' because if she can't have any, neither can you.

It's wrong and selfish and immature on her part, yes. But reality is she may not know this is what's happening.

Encourage her to restart an old hobby, or find a new one. Maybe it's something you two can do together. Block off specific times in the week where she can engage in this hobby without interruption. Stress it to her that that is her time where she can take the lead on an activity that will help her destress and do something purely focused on her.

Make it clear also, that your 'me time' activities are an essential element of your mental health, and all the accommodations you make for her time, need to be respected for yours as well.

And finally, plan a date night. Get an overnight sitter to take kiddo so you two can remember what it was like pre-parenthood. Make it a priority to do this at least once a month. Make sure she knows that while kiddo is important, she is always important too. (You got lucky enough to have kiddo, but you didn't choose kiddo. You chose her. Make sure she knows that.)

Leading_Direction_84 · 2022-08-29T15:48:33+00:00

Some people are introverts, that's not a problem.

GroundbreakingAnt322 · 2022-08-29T17:15:07+00:00

Yeah. She obviously has something going on in her mind abou the whole situation. She doesn't seem to be in a place where she can be vulnerable and tell you about what's on her mind. I would say a a psychologist or a therapist is needed.

Like another user mention. Post partum depression is a thing as well.

ArcturasMooCow · 2022-08-29T16:33:31+00:00

I have. Gave up a lot of things I wanted to do to make a woman feel better, but it's misery. End of the story: she leaves to find validation elsewhere, and I don't give up anything now days. 🐮

upsidedownbackwards · 2022-08-29T18:09:06+00:00

Men are allowed to have hobbies after they marry?

NutsLikeMelons · 2022-08-29T15:03:55+00:00

r/marriedredpill or if that is too much work, call a divorce lawyer. Do not have another child with her. I hope you got a prenup if you’re the sole bread winner and business owner. Otherwise you may well be totally fucked.

Staysic96 · 2022-08-29T17:31:51+00:00

First of all, sorry you’re going through this. Second, I think the timing could have something to do with this. It’s possible your wife has post-party’s depression. While this is pure conjecture, I see possible signs of other mental issues as well, unfortunately. BPD or Bipolar come to mind, but I’m no psychiatrist.

My recommendation would be to seek couples counseling (be sure to research the therapist and check reviews first) and then go from there. If the therapist agrees with your side of the story, s/he may recommend additional evaluations for your wife.

It’s a long and uncomfortable process, but she’s your wife and mental health is so important for both of you. It’s important for you to have time to do your hobbies and other responsibilities too.

I realize many redditors will disagree but this is your marriage and you should do everything you can to save it and better yourselves.

AdAcademic4290 · 2022-08-29T15:09:30+00:00

Your wife has time when the baby is asleep to do some relaxation, otherwise she would have gone completely nuts.

She may be resentful that she no longer has the mental stimulation, challenges, social interaction etc she had at work.

Which is perfectly understandable.

Is there any way she could work again remotely, even part time, using her legal skills?

With the extra income, you could afford some childcare whilst she is working...

rabel111 · 2022-08-29T22:47:44+00:00

It's not uncommon for partners to project their own unhappiness into an attack of the loved ones. But it's also reasonable to work WITH your relationship, not around it. Might by worth doing PC gaming every second night, or three nights a week, and spending the other times with your partner.

Your partner may be feeling trapped by life at the moment. Kids, house, relationships, all hard work, happy but hard. Mayby she's trying to tell you you both need some happy time together? Be creative, ask her out, thinks of things you can do together, these kinds of thing show her you're engaged in the relationship.

csgardner · 2022-08-29T23:05:47+00:00

Man, you got a lot of bad advice to divorce your wife in here. This is a very common problem for couples to have, and yeah, I had it too. But unless you want to ruin your daughter's life and become a miserable MGTOW hermit, you won't divorce over this.

Your wife IS being overly emotional, but it's not abuse, it's just how women are. The fact that she wants to spend time with you is a good thing, not a bad thing, but it can get to be too much. So you are going to have to find some kind of balance.

Both men and women both make sacrifices for family (if they are good people) but since the needs are different and the roles poorly defined, it's common for both partners to feel like they are getting a raw deal somehow.

This will also work out to some degree over time. As the kid(s) get older and her hormones mellow out. But in the meantime, some postponed hobbies haven't been that high a price for me to pay for a good marriage and wonderful children.

In my case we mostly gave up watching TV together. We just have different tastes. With the kids we didn't feel much like leaving the house much, so we eventually settled on gardening as something we both like OK, and on the plus side, it's productive. (Also, weirdly, since we both work in the garden, even if I'm not doing it WITH her, she doesn't feel neglected. *shrug*) And you can have the kid out digging in the dirt, which is good for mental and immune system development, win-win.

I have another friend who is always working on home remodeling projects. His wife helps decide what happens, but mostly he does it on his own. But again, she doesn't feel neglected because it's also her project.

countrymace · 2022-08-29T15:08:47+00:00

You can’t easily fix the medical issue. She needs sleep. What does your actual sleep look like? Could you lay down and cuddle for 20 minutes and then get back up to play video games after she is asleep. This would give you more quality time together without you having to sacrifice your hobby. It will get better as the kid gets older, but to get to that point, it is important to make sure you have enough time together, just as a couple.

Another solution is to alternate nights- 3 nights for hobby time, 3 nights for quality time, one night left over.

Edit: just thought of something you might like- I joined a 24 hour makerspace. If I want to get up at 5:00am and use a table saw or any other tool my heart can conceive of, then I can without bothering a soul.

elebrin · 2022-08-29T15:41:34+00:00

It's because you are excluding her from something you are doing.

It's funny, but between me and my wife, 75% of our activities are separate. We eat together and do much of the housework together as a team, but we work separate and our hobbies are mostly separate. We haven't yet had a problem with this.

JACSliver · 2022-08-29T15:51:51+00:00

If someone is insecure enough to not allow you time for yourself, said someone is far from being worthy of you. Especially if she commit the hypocrisy of wanting time for herself. People like her do not want husbands or wives, they want slaves.

In short, no one has an inherent right to monopolize your time.

carpeCactus · 2022-08-29T18:54:51+00:00

You’re a great husband/father!! Kudos!! I would share with her that research shows that men connect by doing things together. Rarely will men just sit and talk, like women do over coffee and scones. Men like to interact over hobbies, activities and the sorts. This is a growth opportunity for her. I wouldn’t rule out a licensed marriage and family therapist…because there also might be something far deeper going on as well. Best of luck to you! Don’t lose you in the marriage. If she fell in love with you, then she should help you become the most “you” that you can be.

IceCorrect · 2022-08-29T19:25:03+00:00

My aunt have the same diesese and uncle have time to go fishing, spend all day in the garden. She is just controling thats all and using her problem as a weapon.

Peoniesandpopsicles · 2022-08-29T19:35:10+00:00

Been there, done that…wife didn’t like me enjoying anything outside of the relationship/family. As a result all hobbies and friendships were cancelled. This is unsustainable and will only get worse as you will come to resent each other. Consider options and calmly explain your feelings. If she’s reasonable she will see you need personal time. If she’s controlling and toxic she will want to take it as an opportunity to fight. Depending on the outcome consider if this is really the person that you will spend the rest of your life with.

PugnaciousBart · 2022-08-29T20:30:02+00:00

I am not married yet and probably won’t but if I did, I sure as shit not going to lose my interests and hobbies because her. I have seen to many men in long term marriages that are just walking flesh bags carrying bags and purses all light gone from their eyes and have to ask permission for everything.

Foxsayy · 2022-08-29T21:13:00+00:00

I think assigning right and wrong is fairly simple in this situation:

If your wife is preventing you from staying up later on your own, that's a problem. You should be able to do you.

If you're not spending enough time together or something because of the way you spend your time, that may be a mutual issue.

If you are asking her to stay up later, based on your last post she has an autoimmune disease, and she needs the rest. She NEEDS the rest, you can't help being sick. This is, unfortunately, something that should have been considered before you guys had kids.

The part that isn't simple is that you have a kid now and you can't change that.

dpv20 · 2022-08-29T22:26:07+00:00

sadly a lot of people dont want alone time and its seems your wife is in that category, i would advice to go to couple therapy and work it out bc a lot of people NEED that alone time, so i get yout unhappyness, but your wife is unhappy not having that hour, u could also go to her and play after 10pm when she goes to sleep, is not a necesity to go to sleep at the same hour

in other words your wife need to find a way to compromise, the disease dont get her a free anger ticket

AndyBrown65 · 2022-08-29T23:36:18+00:00

What husband hasn't?

pappo4ever · 2022-08-29T23:37:38+00:00

The thing is, you are likely in a dead end. If you give up your hobbies, she knows she won, she's in control, and she will lose respect for you. She will fuck the first guy that looks masculine enough.

If you don't give up your hobbies, she will grow unhappy, and also the marriage will end in a similar manner.

A woman must offer to participate in your hobbies (and you in hers), or else there is very little left in the relationship.

You might need to compromise on how much time you spend on your hobbies, or you might need to find ways to include your wife in your hobbies.

SpicyNippss · 2022-08-30T00:44:33+00:00

She's being a petulant child, however, i have a feeling you can compromise with her and set boundaries. How often do you court your wife? Like actually set a day where you two are alone and doing something you enjoy? Going to the park, the movies, the arcade, any fun little thing you can think of. I take my girl out to the museum sometimes. Try to change it up though so it isn't routine, like dinner every weekend. I have a feeling it's not the video games themselves, but how the video games make her FEEL. Women don't want to admit this, but they are controlled by their emotions. You playing video games makes her feel like you don't care about her, and you've been neglecting spending time with her.
Tell her you want to plan times during the week where you can enjoy each others time, but tell her you need your video game time, and that it's important to you. If she gets mad at you for playing a video game and acting like a child. Tell her you'll talk to her after if she wants to communicate like an adult and treat you with respect. Ultimately if she can't respect your time despite you making the aforementioned efforts, it might be time to consider divorce. what you described would be infuriating.

ConestogaCreek · 2022-08-30T01:27:01+00:00

Women are control freaks. It’s not even a point of the bait. It’s plain simple and commonly understood fact

thiefyzheng · 2022-08-30T04:39:27+00:00

Women ☕

Nathaniel66 · 2022-08-30T05:07:18+00:00

Yea, but i told her that "me playing video games is as obvious as moon cycles, you can't change that. It was before you, is now, and will be if you're gone". I'm 42 and i play quite a lot.

StrawberryCake88 · 2022-08-30T05:45:25+00:00

She’s clearly not communicating with you in a masculine fashion. She’s wanting you to “know” because if she has to tell you then it doesn’t count or means you don’t care. It’s immaturity, but also extremely common because women talk to each other differently then to men. She’s basically not translating her need into something you understand. You keep thinking it’s your free time or hobbies, but it maybe that she can’t figure out what she’s missing. She just knows she’s hurting. Certainly before divorce, I’d ask her to define some of her terms. What specifically is missing. For example, you do your games right after handing off the kid, right? This is a burden not because you’re enjoying yourself, but because your wife needs to spew words at you when she puts the baby down. It’s proven that women not only speak more words in the day, but feel relief from talking to their partner. Give her that post baby-down 10 minutes of word vomit and she may be appeased all night. Otherwise she’s holding it like a bad shit and miserable until you come see her. Women are weird.

r7anubis · 2022-08-30T07:49:11+00:00

have any of you had to give up on your hobbies and interests to keep the peace between you and your wife?

If you're giving enough time to your wife, and then taking some free time to yourself, NO, IT IS NOT WRONG.

Only if you aren't giving her enough time, her statement is justified.

According to your post, you say that you give her enough time. Are you sure? Just asking.

If you feel you are giving her enough time, then you definitely have the right to game.

Who tf stops someone from playing warzone? it's so damn annoying.

RockAndStoner69 · 2022-08-30T08:06:36+00:00

Not really. Just some movie we can't agree on.

Ziigii · 2022-08-30T10:03:32+00:00

She is running the relationship. Either put your foot down and tell her when you will play and to deal with it or keep trying to reason with her or try to reason with her and repeat the cycle. This is emotional abuse from her side. And we all know what happenes when you try to appease the abuser. If your request for play time is reasonable she should have no problem with it.

From your responses I would say that you still desparatley try to believe that this is not her foult and that you can fix it by saying some magic phrase. For this, I can't give you any advice since I am not a mirracle worker.

Extra-Strike2276 · 2022-08-30T10:31:20+00:00

I've lost every hobby I've enjoyed over the years, just to keep things peaceful. I used to build computers and give them to poor families with kids because I enjoyed building them. I had parts to over 20 and she through a fit about it till I finally gave in. Used to play games after everyone went to sleep(including her). If I didn't go to bed when she did I'd hear about it for days. Eventually I just gave up anything I found enjoyable. The thing I get to hear about now is when I watch a show or movie without her. I ask her to watch it for about a month but she's never in the mood, then I give up and watch it. A few months later she finds out I watched it and throws a fit. However since she's home all the time and Im away for work a lot, she watches plenty without me and doesn't see anything hypocritical about it. I can't think of a single thing I've done just for me in the last year. It's rather depressing since I've actually lost interest in everything I used to love. The thought of even messing with it again causes anxiety, so I don't even want to try.

Seawolf40 · 2022-08-30T11:49:17+00:00

TL;DR: Yes. Had this argument. She also tried to get me to give up my friends.

I'm now happily single and she's miserable. Best advice; dump her and run.

a-man-from-earth · 2022-08-30T11:55:42+00:00

Luckily my wife is very understanding, but you need to make her understand (and take her to counselling / therapy if that's what it takes) that for your own mental health it is important that you get "me time": some time to relax and recharge.

You do (I'd say more than) your fair share with the business and taking care of your baby, and I assume other tasks in the household. Is there any legitimate reason why she can't give you some time off? It's not that you don't want to be with her. It's that you need to spend some time alone for your mental health.

You need to put your foot down for that.

Lightning77Plus · 2022-08-30T13:22:50+00:00

You are in what is called an abusive, manipulative relationship. She's controlling you. Maybe it's a byproduct of loss of control in her own life but this is a major realm of concern, I think. It's only going to get worse.

You need to lay the law down and tell her how it's going to be. You deserve to have free time. You're the bread winner, you help out with chores and the baby. You need to put your foot down and establish some boundaries. Perhaps it might also be worth looking into couples' counseling. An independent third party might be the only thing that can get to her.

Otherwise, may be time to contact a lawyer if all else fails. This isn't fair to you, my guy. You're in an abusive relationship whether you realize it or not.

Title	have any of you had to give up on your hobbies and interests to keep the peace between you and your wife?
Author	jsergent0023
Upvotes	82
Comments	75
Date	August 29, 2022 2:22 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MensRights
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/MensRights/comments/x0q0y7/have_any_of_you_had_to_give_up_on_your_hobbies/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MensRights/have-any-of-you-had-to-give-up-on-your-hobbies-and.1130865 https://theredarchive.com/post/1130865

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