I was curious about what people here felt about the difference in boundaries that are taught to girls and boys and how they change when the kids grow into adults?

januaryphilosopher · 2022-11-16T20:12:36+00:00

I think that girls are taught to have their boundaries pushed and not to expect hard boundaries to be respected. Boys, however, are taught to assert their boundaries.

AcanthocephalaNew947 · 2022-11-16T21:10:59+00:00

You think having boundaries ( I’m assuming sexual) is bad?

chalkandapples · 2022-11-16T20:50:47+00:00

I agree that girls are taught to respect their boundaries more. I had a barrage of PSAs, teachers, parents, relatives etc. telling me to protect myself against men before I had the basic notion that men are attracted to women. I remember my dad telling my brother that it's very important that the girl he's dating doesn't feel pressured at all, and to double, triple check if a girl is ok when it comes to anything sexual. While my mom basically gave me a list of 20 things that must happen before I even think about having sex with a guy, some of it is really outdated and I don't completely follow it, but it definitely impacts how you think about it.

This seems very isolated to sexual boundaries though, but I do see it bleed into other interactions sometimes.

GlamSunCrybabyMoon · 2022-11-16T23:01:16+00:00

I have a kid, from what I see on the playground boys are incredibly pushy and touchy. They constantly push other boundaries. Girls are usually encouraged to “be nice” which usually means not having strong boundaries. Girls enforcing boundaries usually gets them labeled as having an attitude or being bitchy. I’ve seen people stifle their daughters growth because they want their daughters to be submissive. It’s a real disservice to young girls.

I was raised to be a doormat and contribute to the family and to shut up and not ask questions, my brother is the exact opposite and does nothing for no one, my parents can’t pressure him for shit.

LucyintheskyM · 2022-11-17T00:58:26+00:00

I work with 3-12 year olds and at least in my country and city, times are changing. Gender is far less relevant when we're talking about personal safety and relationships. I'm teaching all the children that their bodies are their own, a healthy relationship is based on mutual respect etc. I don't know which children are trans or same-sex attracted, I'm going to teach them all the same. This seems to be the guiding principle for our relationship education that is emerging.

Sure, there is lingering problems about people warning girls away from boys and warning boys to put girls on a pedestal or they'll be abusers, but it is changing.

howdoiw0rkthisthing · 2022-11-17T01:08:33+00:00

See I would say that I was told to maintain boundaries, but not shown how or taught the values and self-confidence that would actually allow me to do that.

gymbro718nyc2 · 2022-11-16T20:14:40+00:00

Lol what? How is teaching someone to respect other peoples boundaries lead to them having low self esteem?

teethpeach · 2022-11-16T20:13:12+00:00

boys are taught to respect girls boundaries

Are they? I feel like men are constantly testing women’s boundaries to gauge how much they can and cannot get away with.

bunnakay · 2022-11-16T22:54:14+00:00

This must be a generational thing. I'm a millennial and boys my age definitely did not respect my boundaries.

Chemical_Major_1403 · 2022-11-17T10:35:03+00:00

The father hitting his son but not putting a finger on his daughter would be the perfect example

Podlubnyi · 2022-11-16T23:15:54+00:00

At school the boys knew from an early age that you weren't supposed to hit girls. However, no one ever told the girls they couldn't hit boys. Quite a number of them seemed to think they could hit or kick boys with impunity, as if there was some magic forcefield protecting them from retribution (occasionally one learned the hard way that there isn't). Kids would laugh if a girl hit a boy, yet no one laughed if he hit her back.

2022-11-16T20:18:38+00:00

[permanently deleted]

YetAnotherCommenter · 2022-11-17T06:01:27+00:00

If its relevant, I'm Generation Y.

I absolutely was repeatedly, repeatedly told "never hit a girl/woman" over and over again by pretty much everyone.

It was very much a one-sided kind of boundary reinforcement.

I think it may be one of the reasons women end up being less direct/less assertive in identifying and communicating their own boundaries - cultural norms tend to do that for them to some degree. Men have to proactively do this rather than passively rely on those norms.

PuertoRock007 · 2022-11-16T20:25:24+00:00

I think it's pretty abusive how boys are treated compared to girls.

AutoModerator · 2022-11-16T19:47:13+00:00

Attention!

You can post off topic/jokes/puns as a comment to this Automoderator message.
For "CMV" and "Question for X" Threads: Parent comments that aren't from the target group will be removed, along with their child replies.
If you want to agree with OP instead of challenging their view or if the question is not targeted at you, post it as an answer to this comment.
OP you can choose your own flair according to these guidelines., just press Flair under your post!

Thanks for your cooperation and enjoy the discussion!

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

WolfgangHelnootIV · 2022-11-16T23:02:50+00:00

Depends on where and when, at my school boys were basically taught that all women have exactly the same boundaries while girls were taught that boys will cross their boundaries no matter what.

catniagara · 2022-11-17T00:52:29+00:00

Heh well let me just audit.

I thought boys and girls were the same until I went to a school where a boy kept sexually assaulting the girls. It floored me that nobody did anything about it. Not even the girls he did it to, they just froze. I didn’t know if they were okay with it or not. I was only like, eight? Nine?

Until he tried to grab my best friend. I knew she didn’t want him to do that. She froze too but just stared at me like “help”. I grabbed him by the hair and threw him on the tarmac and stomped on his balls. He never did it again. Little shit.

I became very angry at the boys. They were bigger than me. Stronger than me. They did nothing.

I became very angry at the teachers. Way bigger. Way stronger. They did fuck all.

And then I saw a little girl pee on the floor because she was so terrified of the SK teacher. I went to the library staff and other teachers who did nothing, then to my mom who reported him to police. He was a pedophile. He had molested multiple kids. All they did was transfer him to another school and blame the little girls for what happened to them. Death was too good for him, and he didn’t even lose his job.

Worse, people accused these little five year old girls of lying. They didn’t even come forward at first. It was a female student teacher who came forward when she saw blood in the urine of his students.

I wanted to kill everyone who just sat there and ignored this. Who let these little children get hurt for what? To avoid “embarsssing” some psychopath?

I only knew it was wrong because of Good Touch Bad Touch…so of course they banned that book.

Suddenly I saw this injustice everywhere. So by the time I started high school I was very, very pissed off. I knew most boys had been raised not to hit girls and used it to the advantage of bullied boys. When some asshat went after them I stood in front of them. I also realized that Neanderthal bullies hate having their manhood insulted. So I made fun of what kind of a pussy would attack a tiny little guy like this anyway, pick on someone your own size asshat.

I mostly grew up on stuff like Degrassi and comic books. The girls and women i idolized were tall and strong and would kick you in the face if you tried to hurt anyone on their watch. I didn’t experience being infantilized the way some girls do. I stood up for my friends and to me, guys looked like a bunch of pussies because they just ignored everything we had to stand up to.

I was so pissed at these cowards. Some 92 lb girl is getting beaten up by some loser guy and they expect HER to fight him off? Disgusting. They’re always like “it’s her fault she doesn’t leave him” please. They are terrified to even TALK to this guy about his abusive nature in a public place but they expect some tiny girl to fight him off drunk and alone? Pathetic cowards.

I have, on way too many occasions, had to put myself in intense physical danger in order to protect another woman who was being attacked. Or in a large group of women to protest violence against girls and women. I expect no less from my partner, and cannot view him as a partner or yes, even as a man, if he blames the smaller person for what some shitty bully does to them.

I suppose I’m very traditional that way. I expect a certain level of chivalry from men, as I expect it from myself. Regardless of his looks or strength, I will not spend time with someone who blames the victim, threatens others, or doesn’t have my back. If a guy will stand up for his friends but not for me, he can date THEM.

My expectations for others are built on my expectations for myself and the ongoing expectations put on me by others. It struck me as wholly unfair that if there was housework or cooking or anything like that to be done, I was considered automatically responsible. I had friends who found the same stereotypes applied to their gender/type equally unfair. As my friend Steve put it:

“What about enjoying a penis in my anus makes people think I know exactly where they should place their damned furniture?”

Not every gay guy is an interior decorator. Not every woman is a master chef. But some stereotypes are true. Not every man is a rapist. But 85% of rapists are men. And when I see the kind of sexual entitlement displayed in certain groups of men, as well as the extreme commitment media has to pushing pedophillic ideology on men, I’m disgusted. Repulsed.

It wouldn’t be a good idea to behave in a way that reminds me of those people (or that creep on the playground) that’s for sure.

If someone thinks my standards are too high in asking someone to contribute equally, show me basic human respect, and not flake out the minute they have to deal with 1/100th of the bullshit I face on a daily basis, I’m not the one who is expecting another person to shoulder everything so I can do nothing. If that makes any sense.

Shoddy-Donut-9339 · 2022-11-17T04:24:45+00:00

I don’t think women are aggressive enough to get ahead in business or to get equal pay for equal work.

Although a man, I also was not aggressive enough but driving taxi in Boston was my assertiveness training and it helped me.

MistyMaisel · 2022-11-17T17:14:32+00:00

I think women are taught to protect themselves, which implies that they should expect and accept their boundaries are going to be crossed. And I think we're taught to largely accept that any boundaries we state are us being unloving, bitchy, too masculine, etc. I think in turn from this oddness and madness, we kind of learn that selecting for respect is non-essential. Men aren't going to respect us really as more than a ploy, so we better look for other things about him to like. Thus the high-expectations (which really aren't that high). We're taught you're liars, cheats, and willling to use force, so we look for things you cannot lie about in order to select you.

I think on the other end, men are essentially taught their boundaries are unquestionable. They're a given. So if someone attacks those, you fuck um up. The problem herein' is that if you cannot ever compromise your boundaries, you're left with whatever the default boundaries you dream up are. And those will probably be fairly selfish, self-serving, overly-comfortable, lazy, and unlikely to allow others to penetrate to your vulnerability required for a real connection. And they are kind of taught to respect women, but also not so much sexually.

localmicrodosechamp · 2022-11-17T17:15:20+00:00

i absolutely wasn't taught to protect myself from boys.

when i was cornered by an older boy on the playground in kindergarten and he removed my clothing to see my genitals i told his mom and she told me "boys will be boys" and i never told anyone again.

i was taught that men are allowed to prey on me and no one will help me.

2022-11-17T18:11:17+00:00

Girls are taught that their boundaries won’t really be respected

Comments