How did your fathers example affect your dating life?

AstronautLoveShack · 2022-11-16T07:18:28+00:00

My dad cheated on my mom multiple times. Not a good role model for dating.

TermAggravating8043 · 2022-11-16T09:22:02+00:00

I would actually be really curious to see how many men follow in the Andrew Tate line of thinking that grew up without a father figure, from what I can tell it seems to be quite common which I really don’t understand,

How can you think of men as superior, made themselves etc when they abandoned you, likewise how can you think of women as weak and dependent on men when they raised you alone and still made sure you have everything you need?

punk_baby333 · 2022-11-16T06:17:03+00:00

just clarifying, is this specifically directed towards men?

CimZim · 2022-11-16T11:38:32+00:00

My biological father is a bipolar alcoholic with a short fuse who refuses to take any medication. He was always emotionally and physically abusive during our biweekly weekend visits. At 14, I told my law guardian I didn't want to see him anymore because he threw a table lamp at my head that shattered around my face and gave me numerous cuts. Haven't seen him since then. Other family members tell me he keeps finding, and losing, god which lines up with his previous behaviors.

My stepfather is a wealthy monster. Extremely mentally and sexually abusive. From the time he married my mom when I was 7, he made it blatantly clear he would never accept me as his own. I got my first period when I was 8, so by the time I was 10, I'd already started to get tall and have curves. From that point on, he'd be cruel to me in the daytime (calling me fat even though I was 10 lbs underweight, saying I was going to grow up to be a slut, making fun of the fact I'm autistic, grounding me for "staying out late" even though he knew I was at work, gaslighting me to the point I kept a pocket sized notebook where I'd write down our conversations). At night when mom was out with her friends or doing her "fun money" part-time job, he'd get my bed or insist I get in theirs and do things. Whenever I refused, one of our pets would "mysteriously" die. So I stopped. This continued for 7 years until I had enough money to leave in 11th grade. I put much of my life into my car, which I bought with my own money from a friend's dad, and left. Lived out of my car for 2 weeks before finding a place to stay with an old lady I did yard work for. He let me rent out the poolhouse in her backyard for only $350 a month and I stayed there throughout high school and college.

These experiences with my "fathers" made me able to easily pickup when a guy I was dating would be very likely to eventually act like this, even after just 3 dates. I've found there's subtle tells in their body language and the way they talk about you/your potential future together that can set off alarm bells. Since all my close friends were boys, I used them as examples of what to try and look for in the dudes I attempted to date. My "fathers" were examples of what to not date or to block and get away from if I accidentally did. It actually helped me avoid certain customers and managers at work too, so big plus there, I guess. Other than the fact I prefer masculine gender roles for myself (ironic since I had no good irl role models), this is the other half of the reason I never let a man pay for me on dates. It's unwise to be in debt to anyone you don't know well, and it sets up a subtle traditionalist foundation right off the bat. Obviously I want to avoid anything that isn't egalitarian, because I've seen how the male power in tradcon relationships can negatively empower men.

Ohyarlysmiles · 2022-11-16T08:50:03+00:00

My Dad has the most stereotypical "Chad" face and build ever. Accordingly, he had a very easygoing approach to dating. He still harmlessly hits on women. I've watched it go from them being flattered, to them being a little awkward ---- because now he's so old ahahahaha.

Lift_and_Lurk · 2022-11-16T14:16:14+00:00

My dad always treated my mom like she was his soulmate and always treated my sister like she was his princess. His example showed me how you could be hard nosed and serious (was in the navy, was really serious and hard worker at work) but then also he chill with “the guys” (him and my uncle and Eagles fans and me in the fray joking and having a good time. And cursing at losses. Theres was a lot of cursing). And still be kind and gentle and loving with women. He never gave me much advice, just more “in here if you need me” and my uncle was more the “I know that kinda girl, be careful of her. Now that girl is trouble but in a good way”.

labormarket · 2022-11-16T06:22:11+00:00

My dad is a great father but it doesn’t translate at all to the modern west, genetically or socially.

There is a huge asterisk to your theory for eastern hemisphere ethnicities

hairy_bamboo · 2022-11-16T06:51:53+00:00

My father was an player who abandoned me for the most part so I had nobody to teach me game and mom gave me usual bs advice so yeah.

Apprehensive_Cut_146 · 2022-11-16T09:42:29+00:00

TLDR: My father was a piece of narcissistic, drunkard, misoginystic arse. I hate him with a resentful passion, it is because of his abuse that I am dealing with the mental issues I got now.

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nyanyamuthafukka · 2022-11-16T08:27:02+00:00

My dad is pretty amazing but my mom totally sucks. Both taught me great lessons about what sort of person I want to be, but I think my grandmother probably outshone them both. She was the kind of person who always supported people but never judged. People sought her advice and she held together so many different personalities. I still have mad respect for her.

Gravel_Roads · 2022-11-16T09:09:21+00:00

I'm like my dad in a lot of ways - he was a "free love" hippy type who preferred multiple partners. I'm predisposed to this as well (though very possibly just because it was never something I was taught to see as bad.)

I also learned, from watching, that a lot of his actions hurt people due to his own shortcomings, like cheating on my mom or eventually moving away because he couldn't handle the pressure of children.

So I learned a lot from my dad, but I also had to learn not to be like him in many ways. I'm much better about communication and letting my partners know up front what to expect so they can make informed decisions. So far, I've managed not to make anyone cry and I'm almost 40. So I'm pretty satisfied.

januaryphilosopher · 2022-11-16T10:18:54+00:00

I have a good dad, but we're very similar people, so I wouldn't want to date someone like him. I don't feel the need to recreate my own family in my dating choices. I also try to avoid anything I'd see as his mistakes - he's already made them so I don't have to. But having a good family has helped me in dating and life in general. I won't settle for less than a healthy relationship. My parents encouraged me to follow my own mind on what I wanted. I'm more likely to be in relationships that are stable. I've never seen my dad as a superhero, he's a normal man that I love very much. I want to find my own normal person to date.

oneblackcoffeeplease · 2022-11-16T10:48:17+00:00

i didn't think my dad was a superhero (i think i always had pretty realistic ideas about what my parents could and couldn't do) but he is a gifted artist, musician and writer and i always looked up to him .

He impressed me. I think that has led to the fact that I only date men who manage to impress me and who can do something that I can't do myself.

Opening_Pattern_301 · 2022-11-16T12:01:59+00:00

My family enjoyed wealth for a few years when i was a kid, all thanks to my father, when my father got wealth, he didnt abandon my mom, he treated her even better than before, he would gift us holidays while he was working, food was always on the table.

My dad was my moms first, and when abundance ended and we went back to a more frugal life style, my mom still respected my dad and stayed with us, both despite their shortcomings are parents im proud of and lucky to have had.

Upstairs-Rip-604 · 2022-11-16T13:54:56+00:00

My dad is the best dad in the whole wide world. I’ve never dated anyone yet.

Hoopy223 · 2022-11-16T14:14:17+00:00

My parents are shit and it really warped my personality. My younger brother came out screwed up too. Nothing to do with Chad or Alpha or Beta. A lot of it has to do with giving your children confidence in order to accomplish things in life. If you don’t do that you’ll have issues.

bunnakay · 2022-11-16T15:08:34+00:00

My dad served as a fantastic example of what sort of man to avoid. I will be forever grateful my mom left him, so that he had a much smaller impact than he might have otherwise

thetruthishere_ · 2022-11-16T15:36:09+00:00

My father/parents pilled me way back in the 80's.

CruelAngelGradThesis · 2022-11-16T15:44:36+00:00

My dad's example made me realize that I absolutely cannot tolerate a relationship with a hypermasculine/alpha guy

Infammo · 2022-11-16T15:47:02+00:00

I was raised by a single father who divorced my cheating mother and now I have issues trusting or relating to women. Doubt there’s anything to read into there.

lewdakuma · 2022-11-16T15:51:42+00:00

my dad is pretty great, all things considered. emotionally present, provided everything i needed and wanted, and kind to others. its made it hard to date men because they just dont match up. i have two significantly older brothers who have also set a great example.

another poster here told me that the traits i'm looking for in men won't show themselves before serious commitment, which makes sense. so i'm stuck in a limbo where i acknowledge the consistency i'm looking for in a partner won't be something immediate, but i also don't find myself attracted if there isn't that consistency in the first place. future spinster in the making 🎉

2022-11-16T15:51:48+00:00

Having sup bar parents definitely impacts your dating life negatively. You often grow up with attachment issues and/or lack a model to base a salubrious relationship on.

Fortunately, people can grow, change and learn. You absolutely can learn how to judge and find a decent partner and keep the trash at bay.

bluemooncookiedough · 2022-11-16T19:37:46+00:00

My father only cares about his own image and money. He sent us a few expensive gifts while being happy with other men who beat us actually raising us.. he also subjected us to the worst person I have ever personally known, a purely evil woman that he married for a bit. they were so good for each other..

I spent a little while confused about what love and boundaries are but eventually this just cemented in my head what qualities really matter. And some slight trauma around receiving gifts xD

In my dating life this lead to me, not wanting biological kids, a distate for anyone with large amounts of money, disliking gifts and instead needing lots of quality time spent together( too much at times), and a desperate need for my partner to care about me as a person. Oh and of course abandonment issues. The desperation definitely was not helpful.

I also had ptsd from some of the other men but honestly getting beat by strangers never effected me as much as my own dad could. From those men I just flinch all the time.

solowng · 2022-11-16T22:37:57+00:00

My dad married a femme fatale from his Motor-T platoon in the Marines. Turned out that she's a total fucking psycho with BPD and then some, and anything else he did as a father, husband, or divorcee was overshadowed by her larger than life presence in that shitshow.

I suppose the biggest effect from that was being extremely hesitant to date in my 20s for fear of repeating that mistake and frankly having wasted a lot of that time being more interested in finding a surrogate mother than a spouse.

More generally, there's not much to emulate or take from my father's example because our personalities are so radically different that his approach to life just wouldn't work for me. He's a boorish, misogynistic drunk who lucked into a long-suffering wife who puts up with him because he's got his positives and he's better than all the men who came before him in her life.

My stepfather? Raised by another psycho with BPD and has spent his life jumping out of the frying pan and into the fire from one woman like this to the next. As much as I resent him for being a deadbeat father to my kid sister a part of me pities that poor dumb bastard.

My maternal grandfather was definitely one of the "happy wife, happy life" variety and probably the one I looked up to/took after the most (Our personalities are virtual carbon-copies.) but I wouldn't go so far as to call him weak when he was the one holding the whole family together. It's hard to assign much of an effect from his example, however, as the dating meta in his life (He married a 13 year old at the age of 21 in the early 50s rural south, straight out of the Navy, and they stayed together until death.) is so wildly different than that of today that there's not much to take from that.

MsGoogleEyes · 2022-11-17T02:27:40+00:00

my dad cut me out of the will so idk

Swaggy_Mcswagson · 2022-11-21T20:33:04+00:00

My dad never talked to me about women or offered any advise but he wasn’t around all the time when I was growing up.

Title	How did your fathers example affect your dating life?
Author	GloryToChadlantis
Upvotes	2
Comments	53
Date	November 16, 2022 6:08 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/ywlm62/how_did_your_fathers_example_affect_your_dating/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/how-did-your-fathers-example-affect-your-dating.1140137 https://theredarchive.com/post/1140137

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