Question for all. How many of you actually discuss in detail what you're looking for from a partner with people you are dating?

toasterchild · 2023-01-13T19:31:25+00:00

After I had a failed long term relationship I took this really seriously. My now husband and I try to discuss everything upfront as much as we can. We set aside time to have a date night and some drinks and discuss major issues/ changes/ plans. We have a saying - good fences make good neighbors. The more you address ahead of time, the more the plan is ironed out the less people have to feel blindsided or resentful later.

Right now we are discussing buying a car, so we are planning to meet in a few weeks to work out the details, who pays for what, who will use it when, what can we cut out of our current spending to help afford it etc. We find it also works well with parenting decisions. What are the consequences for common offenses, what is the plan with dealing with sensitive topics, allowances etc... basically operate as a team whenever we can.

SolidusMonkey · 2023-01-13T19:27:46+00:00

I'd have to get a partner first lol.

But in the past I've found that "discussing in detail" is a fast road to breakup town tbh

MistyMaisel · 2023-01-13T19:39:06+00:00

Me personally, I'm pretty upfront about what I want, especially because the answer to that is so little. I'm a self-sustaining creature largely and all I expect from a partner is daily affection and good treatment. I personally enjoy making a big deal of the other person, but I don't really want it done to me. I respect if my person also doesn't want this of course. For example, we basically agree we aren't massive holiday people, but we enjoy doing little things.

I try to make it really clear what I want, what I'm looking for, what I can compromise on, and what is an absolutely unacceptable thing. And I try to ask a lot to find out what my man wants and do my best to meet it.

What I found until my most recent man is that guys would agree they wanted the same life vision and treatment, and then down the road, I'd find out they really didn't want that at all and had just agreed to get me. Frustrating to say the least.

Hoopy223 · 2023-01-13T19:37:19+00:00

I’m a guy so nope. If she brings it up then I will tell her but otherwise I just go with it. In the past I told people early on and I found that if you tell the wrong person they’ll put on an act.

There is one thing I should mention and that is I make clear boundaries early on.

chalkandapples · 2023-01-13T19:35:40+00:00

It's definitely important to make sure you know what your partner's needs are and make sure their needs are met. If you're proactive in having a discussion, that's great.

Most people do this naturally I think. I never had to do an intentional exercise to tell people everything I need, or have them tell me everything they need. It comes up during dating naturally I think. I feel like people are very similar, and I've done this exercise of how to get along with other people, and how to be a good friend many times when I was growing up, and it doesn't feel too different when it comes to boyfriend. Basically guys aren't that different from... anyone else, and the same rules that applied to making everyone else in my life happy applies to them as well.

Sophiatab · 2023-01-13T22:13:57+00:00

I always do this before considering a relationship even possible. Of course I approach as an interview and vetting process for a potential spouse, not just social activity.

lle-ell · 2023-01-14T00:34:46+00:00

I have usually ended up in relationships without discussing this sort of stuff a lot, but my current boyfriend and I discussed this at length when we got together, and check in on whether our expectations and needs are met. I definitely think it makes our relationship a lot more stable and better overall!

SoldierExcelsior · 2023-01-14T01:32:52+00:00

I haven't dated in years so no...If I where to date now I would lay everything on the table

HighestTierMaslow · 2023-01-14T01:42:15+00:00

My husband and I are good communicators generally and like talking of ways to improve our relationship.

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CimZim · 2023-01-13T19:39:31+00:00

How many of you actually discuss in detail what you're looking for from a partner with people you are dating?

It was a little different in my case since my lover was a very close friend for 2 years prior, so we already knew a lot about each other from just regular "getting to know you" conversations. But once we started having sex as well, we discussed a bit more about the kind of expectations we had.

And finally once these things are discussed how many of you are actually making a real plan to make sure your partners needs are met?

Like you, I have my guy's birthday saved in my phone calendar so I remember to get him something nice. Typically it will be an expensive game or collectible coin set he's mentioned a few months previous, and if our work schedules line up I'll also take him to a restaurant we haven't been before.

But that's just for his birthday. The little stuff is what shows true care, I think. Like getting him his favorite candy bar when we go to the movies, paying for his meals when we hang out so he doesn't have to worry about his own budget, talking every night about how our days went and planning for fun sex days. Just being there for him when he needs things, like watching his dogs when he has a work trip or grabbing an item he ordered that's closer to my job so he doesn't have to waste gas.

My giving love language is acts of service, and my receiving is words of affirmation. I really enjoy doing useful things for him and being a net positive in his life...likewise his thanks and constant gratefulness for what I do is the best thing ever. So long as both people in a relationship are happy and being satisfied + not taken for granted, it tends to work out well.

armpitpics · 2023-01-13T19:40:59+00:00

We don't. I'm sure many of you will disagree with me, but relationships can't be treated as an investment where the goal is objectively measurable and the steps to achieve it are clear and precise. Desires and expectations are of often subconscious and circumstantial. I might not expect him to constantly take care of me, but if one day I come from work stressed for a very specific reason I might want him to pay attention to me in that specific moment I wasn't aware could exist.
Furthermore, a person's ability to respond to your needs in a spontaneous way is were chemistry and compatibility lie. If I have to have a discussion with you down to every single details that's a sign the relationship might not be going anywhere, or that one of the parties could grow resentful after carrying on tasks because someone asked them to and not because they feel like it.
The only expectations I discuss are things such a desire for children or a career, not to make him abide by my rules, but to give him the opportunity to leave if our goals don't align.

MDFornia · 2023-01-13T19:54:39+00:00

Yeah, if you're young and a dude, coming into a relationship with demands and boundaries and all that healthy shit is a quick way for women to drop you, and then you have no experience. At that stage in life, I think your average guy should just use whatever relationships he can get to learn how to be as good a partner he can be. Wait until later in life when women get more serious and can recognize your value as a partner to start talking about this sort of stuff early on.

gymbro718nyc2 · 2023-01-13T20:09:35+00:00

If a woman can't read my mind, she is not the right person for me.

CLyD3_H3ffalump · 2023-01-13T20:11:04+00:00

No, but that's just cause the thing I'd like from my partner is time spent together and physical intimacy; but when I have brought that up in the past, the reception is not always great. So the best course of action hads been:

Don't have that convo
Learn what my partners love language is
Fulfill their love language requirements

Doing that has in turn led to what I enjoy out of a relationship so it works out just fine.

RocinanteCoffee · 2023-01-13T20:11:34+00:00

I would disagree that "love languages" are a great tool. They are a woefully inadequate way to try to encapsulate the way people communicate from an author who has no certification regarding anything relevant to being enough of an expert to comment on relationships.

It's not a single discussion and I don't have a lot of it unless we're getting to a point where we are planning things together long term.

Dating apps make it easy because I don't swipe right on anyone who has a dealbreaker on there so usually I know a little about us being compatible in values or qualities before the first date.

I've been seeing the same guy for several months, and only this week did we talk about Valentine's Day. He asked if I celebrated it, I said not really but I don't hate it or anything. I asked if he celebrated it. He said not really. Then we both smiled and mentioned almost at the same time that we both treat every day like Valentine's Day, since we occasionally surprise each other with chocolates and lavishing concentrated attention on each other, I took him on a trip to San Diego recently and we're planning another trip to a new city sometime in the next couple months.

This is highly dependent on the individual. For example I don't celebrate Christmas but I love New Year's Eve and Halloween. Fortunately, this guy I'm seeing doesn't celebrate Christmas either. We still like things like driving around with cocoa or coffee to look at the pretty lights at night, however.

Part of finding a good match is making sure you each are being attentive to each other in a mutually acceptable way.

But this isn't just one long boring discussion, it occurs organically as you become closer, spend more time together, are in each others' orbits during certain holidays et cetera.

Swimming_Salary_8456 · 2023-01-13T21:22:45+00:00

I actively do not celebrate Valentine’s Day

But to answer the question I have in the past yet…by and large women still try to change you, and also put on a facade

eye_fuck · 2023-01-13T21:31:40+00:00

I talk about my wants and our relationship all the time, in details, casually, without need for autistic deep The Talk. The only time i can do it only as last resort when relationship is not satisfying to me and just can't seem to work as I expect, but at this point even if it helps it can only postpone the inevitable.

Btw in my experience girls never reacted negatively to it as in lost feelings for me, most of the time the opposite.

Safinated · 2023-01-13T21:31:47+00:00

You discuss when the subject needs to be discussed as your relationship progresses. The more invested you become, the more you need to discuss

BigOleGreenTrees · 2023-01-13T22:30:25+00:00

I will discuss what I want in general (fling vs long term etc) but I will not discuss what traits I like in a man. I want to date someone I genuinely like as he is. If someone has to change themselves to appeal to me (or thinks that they do) then it's not going to be a good match. Going to a ballet once a year because I like ballet is NOT what I mean that's totally fine and nice. I want to date an independent human who feels comfortable enough to disagree with me, not a simp constantly going "what do you want to do??" I've talked to a few extreme people pleasers before and it's exhausting, I have to also pick their preferences and desires and manage their behavior too?? Fuck that man, just pick a God damn place to eat stop asking me what I want I have decision fatigue from my job and I need a man who can be his own person.

houstongradengineer · 2023-01-13T22:58:25+00:00

I discuss some basic expectations when it comes up, of course. Ideally this would be after we spend some time together, and I become sure the guy is who I'm looking companionship wise (not the same as meeting logistical expectations like gifts or living arrangements). It IS an awkward conversation, so I don't want to have those conversations with someone I have barely sent time with. There are some expectations like a clean home and a birthday dinner that should generally not need discussing. Exceptions can be made for people who have gone through trauma or something. I'll talk to my husband about financial planning, gifts, and wanting kids. Over a period of many years, we even need to adjust or reassess these expectations during marriage! During dating, honestly none of this ever came up until my husband. I never got far enough to have expectations (or sex). For my husband, we talked during the dating phase about what we saw in our futures. We wanted things like to rescue pets, to live outside of a big city (haha that changed for now!), to heal generational traumas, and to have what we see as a good sex life.

shakeandbake8 · 2023-01-13T23:26:03+00:00

I usually obfuscate it until after I’ve had sex

jayval90 · 2023-01-14T00:29:17+00:00

The question in the post is referring to having deep discussions and actually going through your needs and wants, basically outlining your minimum expectations and coming to an agreement?

I don't operate this rigorously. It's just a trap, because people change all the time. You're aiming at a moving target and then trying to hold it down and essentially implying that you will leave otherwise.

I take a much more dynamic approach personally. If there's a spark, we figure out how to meet each other's needs and if that's sustainable. We don't assume to know each other's needs or even our own needs, as this will change over time.

The only "hard and fast" rules have to do with morality and religion, things like that. There are a small set of non-negotiables that I will douse a genuine spark over. Other than that, it's about deciding if the spark is worth pursuing.

anon-sucks · 2023-01-14T02:29:34+00:00

I did, day one. So did my wife. What we wanted and what we wouldn’t tolerate.

West-Ad-9697 · 2023-01-14T09:34:43+00:00

I do, but not for the reason you think - on every first date, women just love to open up the topic.

And whenever a woman has this conversation it's a clear indicator she is looking for a man to play the role of her boyfriend/husbando. She doesn't like you, she likes you for a role she has in her head.

It's actually funny after you realize that - you can play the lad and intentionally fail all her questions with the confidence of a man that doesn't want a 60 hour/week job with poor pay - or if she is a bit of a twat and don't actually like her - say exactly what you need to, score top marks and then kiss her respectfully good night and telling her it felt more like a interview and didn't feel any actual chemistry. It's a thankless job, but someone needs to be a cold hard steel edge of karma.

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