What was your experience with your (ex-) wife changing after you married her?

Diablo_Canyon2 · 2023-04-04T17:36:03+00:00

She was sweet funny and caring. We started dating when we were 18, married at 21. Though I missed some serious red flags early on I was in love and you tend to overlook those things. Things got stressful and hard after kids but I could still see that sweet funny girl I dated. Then my daughter got sick. Something in my wife died that day. Whatever part that was was the part that could emotionally connect with me. Suddenly my daughter and her were completely emotionally intertwined and I was the odd man out. Que me working my ass off to please her and endlessly compromising for her any whim and idea. No longer was she sweet or funny, now she blamed me for all the problems in the house including my daughter getting sick (my very presence makes her get worse is what she told the mediator like I am radioactive or something). All that's left is judgement, resentment, hate, and scorn.

JSNTFS · 2023-04-04T19:40:31+00:00

90% of her sex drive evaporated after we got married (and no, I didn't gain weight, start dressing like a slob or suddenly stop showering).

A tale as old as time.

Initial_Tomatillo_94 · 2023-04-04T20:34:30+00:00

My wife and I met in HS but went to different colleges. She chased me forever until I decided she was the one.

Our wedding night I drove 5 hours to the airport and when we got to the hotel there she was too tired for sex even though she slept the entire ride. On our honeymoon she let me know I was getting fat and drank too much.

A short 23 years later and 5-10 years of her telling me how miserable I made her, I finally got the message. I got three amazing daughters out of the situation but it is safe to say I will NEVER fall for the marriage sham again.

No_Key_6276 · 2023-04-04T17:55:23+00:00

My wife changed after separating. We tried to work on it for about a good year before she decided that she didn’t see me as anything more than a friend. After that she treated me like the plague. She went from hugging, kissing and sexual one week to what business is it of yours the next. Not even exaggerating. She was on her knees on a Wednesday and a complete 180 on Monday. I was mostly trying to figure out wtf happened.

DicksOut4Edamame · 2023-04-04T19:30:24+00:00

This will sound hyperbolic, but mine changed the night of the wedding. The sweet, kind, adorably cute girl had transitioned into an entitled, stuck up, unaffectionate hag. She literally changed into her mom the night of the wedding and it only got worse from there. The more I tried to find ways to reconnect to that sweet woman I fell for, the more who she had become buried her. It makes me so sad.

Truth be told, she likely wasn’t ever that sweetheart. It was a front for who she truly is. I just act as though the person I loved is dead and I now share a beautiful daughter with some stranger who treats me like trash lol

DocHolliday80 · 2023-04-04T22:36:01+00:00

My ex changed suddenly three times during our relationship.

First, at the three months mark, when she started a fight for a stupid reason, and from that moment she did that now and then (usually before her period, I thought it was just PMS). The rest of the time she was kind, caring and had a high sex drive, and I loved her so much that I just forgave her everything.

Second, when we moved in together (one year in the relationship), fights were more frequent and intense, she stormed out of home for 1-2 hours sometimes. She is totally obsessive with cleaning and order (like setting the tables and chairs so that the legs are perfectly lined with the tiles on the floor, for example), and this was a source of fights. I tried to adapt to her, I still loved her a lot.

Third, after the wedding. She stopped respecting me at all. She yelled at me every day for any nonsense. When we were on the plane for our honeymoon, she started yelling at me publicly, I was totally embarrassed. She also started treating me like property, acting bossy. What she said was done at home, I couldn’t even say my opinion.

Her parents also started treating me like shit. They showed up at home anytime they wanted, no matter if is was convenient. They called her and told like “we are going to your house tomorrow and we will stay for two weeks” and she said ok, and I was just informed that they were coming, my opinion was not even asked. I had no problem in having them as guests, but they didn’t behave like guests. They started using our home like it was their home, moving furniture, “fixing” things they thought that were broken, arranging my stuff the way they liked (and even told me that they were doing me a favor doing that, putting my things in an orderly way)… We had to leave our bedroom for them, remove our stuff from one or two wardrobes so they put their things in them, they scoured the home and ate/drank what they wanted no permission asked (“Hey I found that fancy wine bottle you were saving for Christmas and decided to open it when you were at work and drink just a couple of glasses and leave the rest to spoil”). If I complained she made a scene in front of her parents and another one when they left…

It was hell, but I loved her and feared loneliness so much that I stood everything until she decided she was not happy and left me. She did me a favor and I didn’t realize at the beginning. Not in a perfect state of mind now, but definitely better.

ramboton · 2023-04-04T17:57:48+00:00

Not as a matter of abuse, but mine changed as a matter of education and financial responsibility. When I met her she was going to college planning to be a nurse. After we married she became a CNA and said she could not handle giving shots, so she gave up on becoming a nurse, in 20 years she has had over a dozen jobs, never working one more than a year or so and causing me to bear the burden of the household expenses. We have argued about this many times over, I have even told her that because she takes no responsibility for the household debt, that she is basically a 3rd teenager in my house. We got to a point where all I asked her to pay was her car payment, and I ended up paying more than 75 percent of her car as she would miss payments between jobs.

furiousmustache · 2023-04-04T18:34:10+00:00

She immediately became very possessive of me. She found fault in my friends, pushed me to not associate with them, even storming out of the apartment one night with her daughter because I hung out with them. She'd follow me around the apartment, asking me what I was doing or telling me to come spend time with her. I had no personal space. I'd end up taking long showers just to have space to myself.

Later, she became very resentful of me because she had to work so we could support our family. I had just finished going to college full time (on post 9/11 GI Bill), had worked 40+ hours a week, and even signed back up to finish my 8 year Army contract in the Reserves to make more money. I was absolutely exhausted, and she hated me for it because she had to work as I only made around 50k a year.

She forced me to move to her home state, then started talking to an old high school crush, and claimed I didn't care about her. Granted, I was upset about having to move away from my family that provided us both with support to hers that only came around for holidays and birthdays, but I still cared about her. She shut down and turned to another man for support instead of trying to work on us.

A few years later, after we had seemingly worked through our issues, she suddenly decided she was going to school and wanted to work, despite having one kid not yet in school. When that failed, because she was neglecting the kids, she grew angry at me and resented me. She started partying with the neighbors, doing drugs, selling them to the neighbors, driving the kids around under the influence, became physically and emotionally abusive, and would lock herself in the bathroom for hours and say I didnt care about how she felt and didnt want to spend time with her.

After that, she dropped out of marriage counseling "to work on herself" and became emotionally abusive towards me on Mother's Day. It was at that point I had enough and realized it wasnt going to work. Way too late in retrospect, but I'm proud that I was able to finally see the abuse and the horrible behavior for what it was.

Soon after that, I heard about BPD, and it all made sense. I read the book "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and she scored a 19 out of 26 on the assessment in it. Knowing that helped me to move on, to realize she'd never be that person I thought I was marrying, she'd never be a good partner.

Weary_Landscape_7098 · 2023-04-04T22:09:28+00:00

When we were first together, even a few years into our marriage, she was incredible. She was kind, loving, generous, polite, warm, caring, funny, and great to be around. She respected me, and admired me, and loved me. We did things together. We were head over heels for each other. We had constant, amazing sex. Life was good.

Slowly, over time, that all changed. A decade later, she is now the complete opposite person from that. My ex-wife turned into a narcissistic, arrogant, petty, insulting, full of herself, selfish, self-important bitch by the time we divorced.

I still love the woman I originally married, but I have no idea who this horrible person is that she turned into.

Grantcountyghost · 2023-04-04T18:29:14+00:00

All efforts died. The extremely sick relationship she had with her mother took center stage. She worked a 7-3:30 shift, she would run straight from work to her mothers. Never saw her. Sex stopped immediately.

I started up with an older hottie within 5 months, spent my first wedding anniversary at a hotel with my side chick.

ABBucsfan · 2023-04-04T17:08:11+00:00

I remember her having a lot of insecurity, but after she came back from visiting family overseas she was noticeably different and her mom has tried to put a damper on the wedding. A trusted pastor said he thought she was going through depression and that she'd get through it as his wife had dealt with it. I should have held off on marriage... But yeah like you said it was pretty crazy once the ring was on. Was shocked our first fight already throwing divorce around.. first year was tough.. then actually seemed good for a while so we had a kid.. then uos and downs but seemed to be trying at least (unforgiveness a major issue) then had another... Then fell off a cliff. Zero effort and full resentment.

It took me all but w coupoe or our 10 years to realize it.. but yeah after a while it was like ok this isn't normal behaviour at all and it's more than a bad childhood, mommy/Daddy issues and depression. I read the book about walking on eggshells Nd I'm also pretty sure she has bpd (although she does check off most boxes of all cluster b except anti social.. just fits best). Her mother is 100% npd. Up until that point I think I was always making excuses for her behaviour and letting her brainwash me into thinking everything was my fault. She has zero self awareness though and even accuses me of being autistic lately.. it was her that caused some friends to leave and they've admitted as much to me

2023-04-04T17:18:03+00:00

We had both changed. I had really started getting serious about my career which took alot of time away from family. She had baby, it really just became the perfect storm.

Vegetable_Tourist829 · 2023-04-05T07:12:00+00:00

I think people - both men and women - are traumatized by divorce. And trauma makes everyone focus very close in - you become easily upset and you become either guilty or selfish- or oscillate between guilty AND selfish- men and women.

Try to get some peace and calm and be patient. The day may come when you see some of her old self return.

JonathanApple · 2023-04-05T13:04:51+00:00

Light switch too, she knew or thought could control me.

Title	What was your experience with your (ex-) wife changing after you married her?
Author	lovemonero
Upvotes	19
Comments	53
Date	April 4, 2023 4:59 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/12bp9f6/what_was_your_experience_with_your_ex_wife/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/what-was-your-experience-with-your-ex-wife.1213130 https://theredarchive.com/post/1213130

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