Should I be honest about my shameful past?

Wife_and_Mama · 2023-04-12T20:24:46+00:00

If you don't want to talk about a shameful past, tell him that and let him decide if he's okay with not knowing. Don't lie to him when he's confessing his deep, dark secrets.

Malibu_Sorbet · 2023-04-12T20:23:21+00:00

The past is bound to resurface at some point. If you see a future with this man, you should be honest about the points that you mentioned.

You only have to mention the high level points. Tell him you’ll elaborate only if he feels comfortable. Sometimes, they’ll want to know everything. Sometimes, they prefer to not know the details so they feel at ease.

RatchedAngle · 2023-04-12T20:49:56+00:00

If he finds out from someone else, it’s over. Are you willing to live with that fear for the rest of your life (assuming you do get married and stay together)? Always wondering if he’s going to run into a former partner of yours or someone who has a big mouth? What happens ten years down the line if he finds out from someone else?

I don’t think I would want to live with that fear. Especially if I planned on bringing children into the mix.

I also wouldn’t want to live with the knowledge that I’m disrespecting my husband every day by actively lying to him. I think it would harm my sense of intimacy with him.

sunlitroof · 2023-04-12T21:17:44+00:00

You should tell him.

jtriangle · 2023-04-12T21:22:46+00:00

Should I lie?

The answer to this question is always "no".

If you've already lied, the damage has already been done, coming clean about it and telling the truth will allow for that damage to be repaired. The healing process for that won't usually be fun, but it is worthwhile.

Vinegar88 · 2023-04-12T21:06:45+00:00

It's appalling that you're being encouraged to continue lying to someone you want to start a family with...especially about things that are incredibly important to many men. You're horrified and you know he would be too. What if he finds out? Maybe much later, when you have children, and then your lies tear apart your family? Or if he doesn't, does that sit well with you? Can you deal with the guilt of a relationship being built on lies?

Be honest, especially now when you have much less to lose. If he stays, he stays. (Though he may never trust you again, reasonably so.) If he doesn't, go forward with your next relationship founded on honesty and trust instead of deception.

swmac39 · 2023-04-12T20:53:00+00:00

The truth sets “you” free.

Ok-Plate92069 · 2023-04-12T23:42:15+00:00

My hot take is that for all we know, your boyfriend could be a totally compassionate understanding man who accepts you and your past and understands that humans are complex and make bad choices sometimes AND doesn’t want to leave you.

People telling you to "prepare for the worst!!!" and "If it was me, I’d leave you!!!" aren’t very helpful or productive. Clearly your boyfriend has a bad past and skeletons in the closest too, that he was honest about because he trusted you enough to let you in. Grant him that same vulnerability and possibly even use this as a moment to deepen and strengthen your bond. Be honest with him about your abortion. Not all men will leave you because of this or look at you differently. There are men who are still capable of loving women with bad pasts and maybe your boyfriend is one of those men. But you won’t truly know until you open up to him. In this circumstance, your body count is really a none issue (in my opinion) but if you want to come clean about it, do so!

I also don’t recommend dumping all this information on him out of no where. It’s quite a lot. Sit him down, tell him you want to speak about something difficult and it’ll bring up a lot of uncomfortable emotions and afterwards, give him space to process it all but do it for your own peace of mind. Not because you feel that you owe your boyfriend this information.

This sounds really tough I’m sure it’s scary but At the end of the day, we are all strangers on the internet who don’t know you, but this, it’s YOUR real life. Don’t feel pressured by strangers on the internet. Please take the time to figure out how to approach this and then after that, speak to him honestly. Maybe he ends things, maybe he won’t but you won’t know until after the words have been said but from a stranger on the internet, I really hope it works out for you 🤍

brushshstrokes · 2023-04-12T21:04:34+00:00

Confess that you lied and gracefully accept the consequences. Imo the lying about the body count part is really the issue here.

ladida1321 · 2023-04-12T21:07:26+00:00

In my personal opinion honesty is the foundation to any healthy relationship. Lies are cancer.

If this legitimately is a possible deal breaker situation for him, ethically I think you need to tell him before he invests anymore time into the relationships. It’s just not fair to take away someone’s choice. Its also not fair to purposefully misrepresent yourself to get what you want. It’s also just going to set you up to create more lies. The truth always comes out- and it sounds a lot better coming from the person who was deceitful than finding out another way.

The lie to me is much worse than what you lied about - but that could just be my personal experience. You should consider talking to a therapist or something because it seems like you’re holding an awful lot of shame which is causing you to try to whitewash the past. Body count and abortion are not worth the anxiety you’re having over them.

athrowaway6789998212 · 2023-04-12T23:20:05+00:00

he has a past as well, and since it’s haunting you i’m guessing it’s a rough past. usually as people grow, they realize people mess up and do things they later regret. what matters is who you are now. which he knows by now. BUT i think the question is , would you eat yourself up with guilt if you kept hiding it? or would you be okay knowing you lied and continued the relationship? because if 10 years down the line THEN you decide to tell the truth…. that would probably be harder on him to accept because you lied for soooooo long.

NinethePhantomthief · 2023-04-12T20:04:52+00:00

Honestly at this point the past is the past it should remain there.

Yes_Slay_Queen · 2023-04-12T20:56:42+00:00

I'm younger than you (21F) and I have the very definitition of a "bad past" ("body count" of 42, a few abortions, a lot of casual sex and ONS). I mentioned to my boyfriend on the first date to get it out the way in case he had any issues with it, and he looked past it. It matters differently to different people.

thegoodabuser · 2023-04-12T21:23:44+00:00

I find it so mind boggling that anyone would not want to know something about their partner. Like, why would you date someone without knowing who the hell they really are?

A shameful past is very different from a shameful present. If you or your partner can’t separate the past from the present, it’s a bigger issue than how many dicks you’ve seen.

Apricot354 · 2023-04-12T22:59:00+00:00

Ok thank you everyone.

I have decided to come clean and tell the truth.

I have a feeling it will be the end of my relationship, but so be it, he deserves better.

Ok_Communication_199 · 2023-04-12T20:51:15+00:00

Don't let your relationship be based on lies, tell him the truth, the fact the women here are telling you to lie just goes to show how those Red pill guys are 100% correct about women

SamSillan · 2023-04-12T22:35:38+00:00

Just read about a woman, who was asked by her then boyfriend , if she had ever been Dp'd, she said no.

10 years later , married with kids, she finally admitted she had been dp'd on 2 different occasions.

Divorce was finalized yesterday.

Being dp'd was a deal breaker for him, which is why he asked when they had first gotten serious.

SunRose42 · 2023-04-12T22:55:27+00:00

You should tell him about the body count. If the lie is bothering you now, it’s only going to bother you more with time. Just be clear that you lied to him out of shame, but the guilt has been eating you away and you’ve realized your mistake and will never lie to him again. Coming clean about this is you being firm in your commitment never to lie again.

Also, you don’t have to start by saying, “I told you that it was 2 but it’s actually 12.” You can just tell him you lied about your body count. It’s meaningfully higher, but not wild. You’d rather not say the specific number but will if he needs to know. Most important, remind him that you aren’t that person anymore.

As for the abortion…I wouldn’t mention it unless you’ve also lied about that. Just be evasive if the topic ever comes up. You don’t owe it to him to share such personal information. I’d only tell him if him not knowing will always make you worry that he doesn’t love you for who you are.

firedrill134a · 2023-04-12T20:43:39+00:00

Don't tell him. No good will come.

Agreeable-Comedian24 · 2023-04-12T20:15:54+00:00

If you don’t think he can handle it don’t tell him. We all have a past and are not obligated to our partners everything.

CameraActual8396 · 2023-04-12T21:09:50+00:00

I would say if he asks directly about any given point, then don't lie, but you don't necessarily have to disclose anything that you don't want to. But if it makes you feel guilty in any sense, then perhaps its a good time to evaluate why you feel that way and how you can best resolve it.

Ok-Plate92069 · 2023-04-12T21:31:07+00:00

[permanently deleted]

hangun_ · 2023-04-13T01:53:00+00:00

This isn't something that anyone but you and your doctor need to know about. This happened before you knew your BF. You are not putting him or yourself in danger by not disclosing this one-time medical procedure. You are OK and so is your BF. Everyone is a-ok.

Don't let people make you feel like dirt for something you know was the right choice for yourself. You made the choice and what's done is done, and you are just fine. Enjoy your life with your boyfriend, enjoy your love together in a new chapter.

AutoModerator · 2023-04-12T19:56:17+00:00

Title: Should I be honest about my shameful past?

Full text: I'm 30years old and things are serious with my boyfriend. We've been together 8 months and we're talking about a future together, marriage, kids etc. I lied to him about my 'body count'. Whilst it's not wild, it's certainly more than I told, and much more than he'd like. Much worse (much much worse) is that I had an abortion with my last long term partner. A decision I didnt think about at the time and honestly I would never wish on anyone. I'm deeply ashamed and horrified, and I'm certain my boyfriend would be too. He's told me about skeletons in his closet and frankly they haunt me and I wish he never told me. I promised I would be honest and I haven't been, but it's a lifetime's worth of baggage that has moulded me into the woman I am now. I'm determined to not let it destroy my future, but I dont know if telling him will be the best or worst decision of my life.

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ArdentBandicoot · 2023-04-12T20:43:20+00:00

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ShityistDisciple · 2023-04-12T23:54:17+00:00

It can be both best and worst. Do you value having him more than honestly? If he finds out on his own you will lose his trust.

Mister_Badger · 2023-04-13T00:03:07+00:00

You don’t have to volunteer the information if he doesn’t ask, but if you straight up lied, your relationship might be already doomed. There are no good paths forward from here, the best thing you can do is to come clean and explain that you lied, and that you still don’t feel comfortable talking about such things because you find it shameful. Hopefully he will understand and respect your honesty.

If you leave this unaddressed, you’re planting a time bomb that will go off at some point.

Best wishes to you. None of us are unscarred by this world, at least you’re trying to walk a better path.

Title	Should I be honest about my shameful past?
Author	Apricot354
Upvotes	4
Comments	81
Date	April 12, 2023 7:56 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/12jwypm/should_i_be_honest_about_my_shameful_past/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/should-i-be-honest-about-my-shameful-past.1214052 https://theredarchive.com/post/1214052

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