RPW is not working for me and I’m tired of being stuck in the same "the one that got away" situation

CountTheBees · 2023-05-18T05:44:12+00:00

Different types of people need different strategies. It sounds like you are overly trusting, submissive, and have no boundaries... of course the strategy you should take is different to the strategy that we would advise for a feminist, independent boss babe. It's a reflection of society that the content that was written in the sidebar was written largely for non-submissive, non-feminine women... to become more submissive, more feminine. However, as you've seen, taken too far it just means that you end up not being able to stand up for yourself and prone to being taken advantage of/taken for granted.

SunshineSundress did a write-up of a strategy that's been floating around for a while; Incremental Reciprocation. Have a read of that as it will be more pertinent to your personality type.

SunshineSundress · 2023-05-18T09:24:21+00:00

I’m sorry you’ve been through a lot of heartbreak. I think you have a few ideas/beliefs that may be preventing you from being successful when using submission as strategy. I hope that you know I’m not trying to rub salt in your wounds, but help you problem solve and course-correct even if it is difficult.

I find myself stuck in a pattern where my ex’s only realise how much of an “amazing woman" I am AFTER they rip my heart apart and end things.

I had an "ex" (never official, still in the vetting stage) dated for a couple months return afterwards telling me he has gotten into a relationship but his new girlfriend is not as submissive and he misses me.

How are you so in love with someone that you barely know that they can rip your heart out? A couple months isn’t enough time to learn someone’s character and KNOW someone, nor is it enough time to decide that they are worth fully investing in or submitting to.

I don’t know Adrienne, but I somewhat agree with her idea: there is no need to be utterly devoted and submissive to any one man in the early dating days. I wouldn’t go so far as to say you need to actively curate a “roster” of 5+ men to date simultaneously (if you are exposed, this will make you look uncouth and loose regardless of whether or not you are sleeping with them), but it’s definitely worth being open, flirty, and relaxed with various members of the opposite sex when instead of latching and clinging on to any one man WAY too early. A little bit of an abundance mentality does women good too when we are still single.

Also, I don’t think any man (including my LTR) has ever acknowledged how submissive I am or told me that’s what they want in a partner, even if I’m actively using submission as a strategy. It’s a weird, presumptuous, and bold thing to say, ESPECIALLY so early on in a relationship. The only way I can imagine a guy would bring it up is if you’ve explicitly told him that you’re naturally submissive and feminine and whatever else, but correct me if I’m wrong. If you have brought it up, remember the first rule of fight club: don’t talk about fight club! Telling a man you are still vetting how submissive you are paints you as too keen/weird at best and a target for manipulation at worst.

there’s just certain things I refuse to do in relationships moving forward. I don’t think I will give "wife treatment" to a boyfriend.

Men seem to always want the girl that doesn’t actually want them back/nonchalant about them/ rejects them.

Picture this: we all know the Nice Guy^TM . Y’know, the guy who is SO willing to give all the husband duties (ex: chivalrously paying for everything, problem solving everything he can for his fair lady, willing to wait and move at her pace, and providing emotional support, attention, and love, etc) to the object of his affection. Sadly, she and all other “females” don’t want him but instead chase the Douchebag who is indifferent about them, only uses them for sex, treats them badly, and is playing multiple women at the same time.

The thing that Nice Guys always fail to recognize is that the Douchebag is also 6’3, has a broad and muscular frame, is ambitious and successful, has a thriving social circle and is a natural leader, and is notably talented or clever in some way. Basically, he is so attractive and desirable to the opposite sex that he can have his pick of women who are willing to bend over backwards to get him. On the other hand, the Nice Guy is anywhere from average/regular to straight up undesirable.

I am not saying that you don’t deserve love or that you are unattractive! I don’t know you and I am just speaking generally here and addressing your ideas, but I think you are mistaking correlation for causation. A hard to swallow pill I had to learn when I was perpetually single was that men were choosing other women over me not because those women were hard to get (believe me, I tried that too and it didn’t work), but because they simply had a higher SMV and RMV than me. Men are not chasing these women because they are drawn to women who don’t like them back or are nonchalant about them. Men are drawn to highly desirable and attractive women, who are then ABLE to be more picky because so many men want them.

At the end of the day, I became more successful with men when I improved my SMV and RMV, no shortcuts or loopholes. Imagine that the Douchebag has a twin brother who is just as sexy and successful and cool as he is. But instead of being awful, he willingly treats you with love and respect, and actively protects and provides for you. Wouldn’t every well-adjusted and mentally healthy woman pick the twin brother over the Nice Guy AND the Douchebag?

I don’t think men are that different either. What makes you so sure that your submission (which, when used appropriately, is an indication of high RMV) is what’s turning them off? Don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater. This is why I never liked the whole “don’t give wife duties to someone who isn’t your husband” concept. To me, it just seems like you are doing away with the very tools that will get you that husband in the first place.

(Within reason, of course. I agree with u/countthebees and will shamelessly plug my post about incremental submission as a way to use it strategically with as little risk as possible.)

If you are noticing that men are repeatedly treating you a certain way, there really are only two things you can do (and you should do them both!):

1) Vet harder, love slower

2) Improve yourself and bring to the table what men actually want

Pinktoes10 · 2023-05-18T06:18:53+00:00

I also think you should stop doing wifely duties for boyfriends. This may be a reason why they don’t appreciate you in the beginning. You’re cooking daily and taking care of your ex. Men aren’t going to appreciate this, instead they’ll find someone else who doesn’t just give everything all at once without true commitment and love in return.

LiteratureOk7716 · 2023-05-18T06:49:09+00:00

Your story reads like my biography. Until age 34 (just celebrated my 7^th wedding anniversary in December), my love life was like yours, giving and not being reciprocated. Then, I met my (now) husband at a wine tasting. Of course, it started the same way, with my being giving to him (but not having intercourse, even though we did fall asleep in my bed for a few hours after our second date -- he fell asleep before me and woke up after), feeling unappreciated, but having committed to one man, I felt I should see things through.

A few weeks later, I was hospitalized. I figured my now-husband (NH to save keystrokes) would leave me, as I couldn't be the giving woman I had been to date.

To my surprise, not only did NH not leave me, he educated himself on my condition to the point where the specialist who was caring for me told me that "NH summarized the latest paper on the condition so well that I offered to pay him for it and he said that, curing her is all the payment I expect". He cut back on his job duties, so he could spend time with me in the hospital. This lasted a year. Towards the end of it, I remember holding his hand and saying, "If I survive, I'll marry you".

His response, "Correction, when you survive, your future relationships will use me as a baseline, and you will find your perfect gentleman" -- he already knew that I wanted someone of my own ethnicity -- Filipino -- and he's Moroccan/Flemish.

Over the year I was in hospital, I realized that discounting him because of his ethnicity (and other superficial aspects) was a little silly of me, but he maintained that I was entitled to my desires, no matter how silly they seem and that his family tradition would not let him behave otherwise.

I realized that, this man, while not raised by his father (mother died of cancer when he was young and the father sent all the kids to boarding schools in Europe, forgetting about their existence, etc.), somehow acquired and internalized the values that I craved. And he wanted me, not to marry him, but to marry somebody better than he.

I couldn't imagine anyone more genuinely caring than he, even my father and brothers were not as devoted to my recovery as he was.

A few weeks after I was out of hospital, we were engaged and then married 18 months later.

The gist of this comment is to reassure you (and anyone else on the thread) that NH is no unicorn. In fact, I am now meeting more like him, usually with him, but sometimes not. But I am grateful every day to be Mrs NH. Don't give up hope nor compromise on how you treat others, your NH is out there, I promise.

mittenbae · 2023-05-18T10:29:52+00:00

They aren't leaving because you're too giving. They are STAYING because you are too giving and it feels nice for them. Then they dump you when someone they actually like comes along, or when you become too "demanding" by requiring commitment. You need to vet them by waiting to see if they are actually interested in you as a person, and not just in what you can do for them.

RedPillDad · 2023-05-18T13:49:05+00:00

men don’t actually like submissive women.

Men find feminine women very attractive. The problem with the submission part is that it can elicit disrespect and lead to exploitation.

Men seem to always want the girl that doesn’t actually want them back/nonchalant about them/ rejects them.

Very true. Some guys are attracted to hot women for their clout as much as their beauty. They'll do the exact same thing some women do - be more attracted to those with higher status and power who treat them poorly. Some guys are compelled to play a dutiful peasant to a cruel queen.

Some men aren't ready. They're eager to get into a relationship, but they suck at it. They get complacent and slouch into a diminished version of themselves and then turn around and blame you for it.

Some men lead poorly. Handing the relationship reins over to a weak leader is a problem. Leadership and followership are best when the power differential is minimal, as opposed to a master-slave dynamic. You both contribute, you both care. It's lopsided when one partner does all the contributing and caring.

Some men are addicted to the chase. They don't actually want to keep what they caught. They never have anything last beyond a few months and prefer it that way.

Take for granted. People tend to lack appreciation for what they have, especially if it was given to them for free. Only once it's gone do they realize the value of having it. That's why these guys message back months after.

Resentment of receiving. As a giver, you would think the receiver would accept the gifts you offer with a sense of gratitude, honor, and appreciation. Some people don't receive well. They don't feel they deserve it or worse, start feeling entitled to it, they didn't ask for it, they resent feeling obligated to reciprocate, they feel weakened by it.

Imbalance of Rules. I was working on this recently. Everyone knows the Golden Rule, but there are other levels which we can operate at...

Bronze Rule: Do unto others what they have done to you. Eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth. Transactional - you scratch my back and I'll scratch yours.
Silver Rule: Don't do unto others what they have done to you. Turn the other cheek.
Golden Rule: Treat others the way YOU want to be treated.
Platinum Rule: Treat others the way THEY want to be treated.
Diamond Rule: Treat others BEYOND the way they want to be treated. Anticipate needs. Surprise, delight and exceed expectations.

Have you ever been to a 5 star hotel? The service is vastly different from a Motel 6. Many people have not experienced Diamond Rule service, and if it was bestowed upon them, they would lack appreciation for it.

It seems you're a Diamond Rule gal dating Motel 6 guys who have NEVER been treated that well. My suggestion is to give a guy a taste of great service but make him earn more from you, make him demonstrate he deserves and appreciates your level of devotion.

My wife is a lot like you. I had to rescue her from her own family, who treated her like a Cinderella servant. Find a man who is attracted to cuteness and femininity more than hotness, that was certainly the case for me.

MrNifty · 2023-05-18T04:57:14+00:00

What you described smacks hard of the classic anxious-avoidant relationship dynamic:

https://youtu.be/fCAfzIfg5Cs

You give and give and give but it's never fully appreciated because the other person is afraid to let their guard down. They're afraid if they do, you won't love them as they are, and so instead of facing that rejection they reject you first.

This is not a blue pill vs red pill issue. It's an attachment issue.

You say you're considering "spinning plates" to some degree or pulling back and not acting authentically. Please reconsider those ideas, because those things will push away the guys who actually do or would appreciate the things you bring to a relationship.

If a woman shows up half-ass with me, it tells me clearly how she sees me, and I would just move on. You would just dig yourself a deeper hole, and TikTok is brimming with women who have basically done just that.

My advice? Stop dating for the moment and sort yourself out. Look into the possibility you have an attachment issue. It can almost certainly be "cured" with the right work, and afterwards you will no longer find yourself constantly in relationships with the same type of man over and over again. Like you said at the very beginning, you are repeating a pattern of behavior, but that pattern can be broken.

VasiliyZaitzev · 2023-05-18T07:01:16+00:00

So, if it makes you feel better, I kind of have the male version of your story. It is what turned me into the Dark Lord of TRP really. It was always some version of “Vaz, this is the best, healthiest relationship I’ve ever been in. You make me feel like I can do anything. You make me feel like a….oh, wait. There goes a guy who looks like he hates women. I’ll see you later!” The even more fun part was when they would circle back after having gotten pumped and dumped by whoever the “better option” was. Me: “Why would I want you back now? All you did was show me that I can’t trust you, ever. And the part where you took up with a guy before you actually broke up with me? Yeah, that’s called cheating.” So that is my super villain origin story.

I solved it in a different way than you will, because: man.

My free piece of advice is, even if the next guy isn’t going to get the “best version” of you from the jump, don’t torture him over stuff that your exes did. First, that would be completely unfair, second, we just LOVE that and third it’s not going to get you the result that you want. Srsly, if I had a dollar for every time I got to sarcastically intone “I’m sorry your last boyfriend was mean to you”, I would have a lot of dollars.

StrangestUnicorn · 2023-05-18T05:58:39+00:00

INFO: Can you elaborate what lead to your most recent break-up such that it ended in blocking? And are you sure for a fact that there was another woman, or is it just intuition?

MysiaPysia666 · 2023-05-18T10:09:00+00:00

Maybe you do a little bit too much for them at once and they get overwhelmed and defensive.

Madonna-whore dichotomy also can be considered in these cases, do you know what type of women they left you for?

countrylemon · 2023-05-18T12:05:10+00:00

you’re over compensating from the sounds of it, doing wifely duties as a girlfriend is wrong and you’re tossing your value out too early on. That’s just stupid. Why would a relationship ever progress if you give them everything they want before they give you what you want? You’re being a doormat, not a rpw.

RPW isn’t working for you because you’re not following it correctly it sounds more like you’re following Mens RP.

Why are you still talking to exes, ever? Close those doors permanently when the relationship ends. How about a wild thought, stop dating so casually? Why won’t you hold back? Your reasoning is sweet but unhelpful, just because we all die eventually isn’t a reason to cater to everyone. You need to learn when you’re appreciated for what you do and when you’re not.

You don’t just GIVE away your best version of yourself, these men still have to earn your love affection and devotion but you’re just handing it to them on a silver platter and are shocked when after they eat they want seconds.

mistressusa · 2023-05-18T13:28:18+00:00

I think you may be what men call "too clingy". Are you available all the time, any time, to him? Do you have an active social life of your own when you are dating him? Do you have a job that requires business travel, attending certain functions, zoom calls with colleagues in Asia, etc? Do you go with him when he hangs out or go away on a trip with his "bros"? Do you "forbid" him from hanging out or even just chatting with his female friends or coworkers?

It's hard to know where the line is, but you don't want to be unavailable but also not too available. But he should never feel like he can commit to an event for you without checking in with you first, even if it's just a Friday night happy hour.

ivysaurah · 2023-05-18T14:44:06+00:00

You can display your virtues in brief windows when dating. But don’t be a wife to a man who hasn’t married you. Focus on your own life and communicate clearly and sternly what your values are.

Also be wary of the men you are choosing. Something is awry in your selection. Don’t focus solely on physical attraction. They can be successful, but I think it is better to find a man on his way to success that you can help build (again, once married).

And do not trust to the point where you have no boundaries. My husband and I are very traditional but we both have full access to one another’s phones, etc. My husband texts me when work is finished and comes home. I send him my location when I am out alone (for safety reasons (I am pregnant) as well as just peace of mind for him). My point is, you can communicate what you need calmly and maturely. Submission doesn’t prevent you from doing that. Being dishonest about your feelings cheapens a relationship.

AutoModerator · 2023-05-18T04:15:35+00:00

Title: RPW is not working for me and I’m tired of being stuck in the same "the one that got away" situation

Full text: I find myself stuck in a pattern where my ex’s only realise how much of an “amazing woman" I am AFTER they rip my heart apart and end things. I tend to find myself in situations where a man will leave me for another woman in the most cruel way, they are very unkind in how they do it and tell me to stop speaking to him, sometimes block me but then a few months later, I will get a text from them begging me to talk. Telling me they made a mistake and they realise that I was actually the “perfect girlfriend", how their favourite quality about me is ‘how much I care because no one has ever loved them like that before'. Its starting to feel like an overplayed joke.

I don’t get it. Not only is it confusing but it really hurts me too. I had an "ex" (never official, still in the vetting stage) dated for a couple months return afterwards telling me he has gotten into a relationship but his new girlfriend is not as submissive and he misses me. It plays with my head.

My most recent ex, we were in a relationship for almost a year: broke up with me, threatened to block my number (I blocked him instead) and told me he did not want to speak to me anymore. I know it was for another woman but he denied it. However, my intuition has never lied to me and there was definitely another woman. I received a text of a similar nature from him as I described above: suddenly he realises how good I was to him and "I know you’re mad at me but I need to talk to you” I don’t want to speak to him though.

I cooked for this man weekly, took care of him while he was super sick on 3 different occasions, I never nagged or belittled him and I was submissive and let him lead the relationship. Still, I got dumped in the most cruel way… again.

It’s frustrating because at this stage in my life, I need to protect my heart, for my own sanity and there’s just certain things I refuse to do in relationships moving forward. I don’t think I will give "wife treatment" to a boyfriend. I don’t know how to mitigate the risk of still being left for another woman and I don’t have the strength anymore to do all the calculations to try avoid it. It makes me sad because I truthfully know that the next man won’t get the best version of me; he won’t get the girl who ask him what he feels like eating for dinner so I can prepare it for him when he’s done with work, or the girl who takes care of him when he is sick or sends him random texts telling him how much I appreciate him or bakes him a cake for his birthday. I would rather just not invest myself fully because I really think it’s a me problem now, my behaviour enables men to treat me badly, it feeds their ego and in return makes them view me as lesser than.

I never do any of this just to keep a man, it’s just how my personality is naturally and I do the same with my family and friends, people who are important to me get treated with love and respect in it’s purest form because I am a very loving person and I hold myself to a standard in regards to how I treat people in my life. I don’t like the idea of holding back because life is weird and I want the people I love to know I love them. I nurture them and treat them well but at least my family and friends don’t take me for granted.

I think either there’s a lapse in truth somewhere in the RPW because in real life it seems men don’t actually like submissive women. Or they only like them when they are married to them already. RPW seems to be a strategy that works only if you are already married. I feel embarrassed and ashamed investing so much into men when I could’ve been focused doing other things. I don’t really regret it necessarily because I love the way I love. I think the way I love is so genuine and pure and innocent and I won’t change who I am because of the men who have hurt me but I won’t introduce that side of myself to men before true commitment and devotion. It sucks to feel like I’m just there to feed a man’s ego and I’m over this cycle

I invest too much into one guy but I have been watching a lot of Adrienne Everheart, and she advices woman to quantum date (not sleep with!!) at least 5 men until you figure out which one you want, in this way you don’t feel it when one leave. I never liked the idea of speaking to multiple people at once but I really do think it’s because I’m doing "wife duties" too early on and it’s easier to take something that is so readily available for granted so I think I may have to change my strategy. Men seem to always want the girl that doesn’t actually want them back/nonchalant about them/ rejects them. It makes me wonder if I have been playing this whole dating game wrong. They say they want a woman that cares about them but they don’t, only on the internet.

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SunwardApple471 · 2023-05-18T15:40:25+00:00

Christ almighty, women.

Jasperbeardly11 · 2023-05-18T08:53:20+00:00

I would try to raise your social value. People struggle to respect others who don't stand out socially.

If you do stand out in a societal sense and are interesting, it will be harder to ignore.

You may want to spend more time developing yourself and looking at hobbies. Firing more neurons and trying to develop your self.

You seem like a really kind person with a good heart. The more well balanced and overtly stunning you are from an internal sense it will be harder to throw you away

TheBunk_TB · 2023-05-18T12:03:29+00:00

Are you just attracted to assholes?

Exciting_Actuary_669 · 2023-05-18T14:03:18+00:00

That’s just how men are so often. “Don’t know what they’ve got ‘til it’s gone.” Good luck.

Ill_Selection_8266 · 2023-05-18T14:55:47+00:00

Just wanted to send you some love, sorry for your heartbreaks 🫶

Jenneapolis · 2023-05-18T19:12:18+00:00

I’m not an advocate for the position of don’t do any “wifely duties” for someone you are dating. These actions are what eventually turn you into a wife! However, I would say don’t do these prematurely. My boyfriend of over a year gets home cooked meals from me without asking but also doesn’t care if I get too busy and he has to pull something out of the freezer. But if you are in the first couple months of a relationship and cooking all the time, you aren’t making him earn you and men value what they have to work for and what they think other people/men want. If you are serving him day and night from day one, it makes him think you are desperate to earn his love and have nothing else to offer and nothing else to do.

So what you CAN do is for example a date night maybe within the first month (after a few OUT dates) where you volunteer to cook for him. It’s a fun cute date and allows you to show off your skills. Fun!! However, this is a DATE meaning a one time EVENT, this doesn’t mean you all the sudden start cooking for him every day. See the difference? And after this date, you expect him to take you out the next time. Incremental reciprocation. Don’t give it all away way up front.

As for why this keeps happening, there could be a lot of different reasons. But acting like a wife is going to put pressure on the relationship for him to act like a husband, and if he’s not ready for that, you are prematurely moving the relationship forward faster than he’s probably ready making him bolt. It’s better to spend the first few months vetting and doing fun things together rather than acting like an old married couple. It takes many men a while to settle into that, it’s not fun for them to jump right into and instead makes them feel pressured and trapped.

Title	RPW is not working for me and I’m tired of being stuck in the same "the one that got away" situation
Author	burner4567890
Upvotes	44
Comments	54
Date	May 18, 2023 4:15 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/13ko51i/rpw_is_not_working_for_me_and_im_tired_of_being/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/rpw-is-not-working-for-me-and-im-tired-of-being.1219612 https://theredarchive.com/post/1219612

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