For ladies in the "danger zone" approaching The Wall (25-29): what happens if you get a bf, date exclusively for 1-2 years, and then break up? You've effectively wasted your time being loyal to one man who won't marry you. Do you date other men while in a relationship until you get a proposal?

Jewelry_lover · 2023-08-18T00:31:10+00:00

I think we all need to get off the internet bruh people need to stop seeing things in black and white

Wife_and_Mama · 2023-08-18T00:26:14+00:00

I think you need to maybe lay off the RP content a bit, but I'll answer your question. For starters, dating multiple men at a time is certainly not the way to get commitment from one of them. No one likes to feel like the person they're with has one eye on the door to see who will walk through it.

Responsible vetting is really your only option. Go on lots of first dates. Just accept that that's part of finding someone compatible. Notice I didn't say "The One." There's no such thing as soulmates. Life is not a paranormal romance novel. Figure out what really matters to you. Accept that attraction, while not exactly negotiable, does grow over time. Realize that, just as you are human and have some undesirable traits, any man you meet will as well. Don't expect perfection when you can't possibly offer it. Don't expect anything you don't offer.

I counted my first dates once. Between 23 and 27, I went on 21 first dates. My husband was number 21. Some of them got second dates. A small few got third dates. My husband was my first fourth date. Ask the right questions. Listen when he tells you something. Don't twist his words to mean something you want them to mean. You can't control other people. You can only control your own decisions and actions. I know that's scary when you think the clock is ticking, but you're not going to shrivel up the day you turn 30. This is not that absolute.

For what it's worth, I was 27 when I met my husband. We married when I was 29. I had our twin girls at 33, our boy at 35. I'm trying for another now. Stop taking this stuff so seriously that it's freaking you out. It's not helping.

youllknowwhenitstime · 2023-08-18T00:02:55+00:00

Non-exclusive dating has to be, first of all, upfront. Don't tell someone you're exclusive if you aren't. Otherwise you're starting a relationship off on lies and that never bodes well. It also needs to be sexually chaste, or you're going to run into a host of problems. For these reasons, non-exclusive dating does not go on for years - just a few months.

And this can work. Laura Doyle's "men know what they want by 6 months" rule from her book for singles holds true from what I have observed anecdotally and is even backed up by some research into romantic decision-making. I highly recommend reading the whole book, by the way.

I'm a proponent of non-exclusive dating being done hand-in-hand with honed decision making. It should not take a year, and certainly not two, to realize you're incompatible with someone. And a man who wants to get married now and thinks you're marriage material is not going to take one to two years to propose, either.

Common pitfalls that cause people to take extra time to realize they are incompatible:

Dating someone who has different goals ("I definitely want to find someone worthy of marriage now" and "I might consider marrying the right person in the future" are different dating goals)
Not discussing dealbreakers immediately
Having poor understanding of your own priorities and not knowing what your real dealbreakers are (this can lead to realizing something you never considered before is actually a dealbreaker very late)
Being in denial when a man doesn't agree with or is ambivalent toward your dealbreakers and trying to change his mind
Being in denial about any red flags
Not discussing other major topics early, or not having a good grasp on what major topics should be discussed
Focusing on how someone makes you feel and spending time chasing experiences over getting to know the man
Similarly, only seeing each other in romantic contexts and not spending time seeing each other's lives (families, friends, hobbies) in action (you get a one-dimensional image of each other this way)

Other pitfalls that cause a woman to be single for longer:

Having too many dealbreakers
Not being able to purchase your own standards on the "sexual marketplace", ie. having poor SMV or RMV in comparison to what you want - this is often fixable but you have to admit where you need to improve!
Conversely, getting rid of all your standards out of desperation (this will backfire HORRIBLY)

That last point is important. You mention that those who are 29 have "one year, two at most" to find a husband - this is frankly absurd. It's possible for someone to make such terrible life decisions that they destroy their ability to find a high quality husband in a year or two, and it's possible for them to make those terrible life decisions when they're 30 or 31, but women don't suddenly lose their ability to attract men when they turn 30. There's a decrease in SMV that slowly works its way into a woman's life, basically after the "peak attraction" years of late teens and early 20's, and continues slowly until a sharp drop at menopause when she's no longer in her childbearing years. But even post-menopausal singles may find romantic companionship and don't automatically have a SMV of 0, even from a evopsych perspective.

All that to say, it does sound like you've been reading too much RP theory that doesn't benefit you. Pretty much anyone - man or woman - would experience a SMV bump from taking a break from the internet. Try this experiment:

Unplug for a solid two weeks from anything that isn't texting someone you know in real life, maybe a LOCAL dating app, or using Google Maps or some other essential app.
No internet browsing, no forums, no social media, no YouTube, no podcasts, no mobile games, no TV, etc. Just completely take a break.
Let yourself be bored and find new things around you to do. When you return to the online world, ask yourself, "How does this benefit me?"

diaryofalostgirl · 2023-08-18T01:11:12+00:00

I don't know when you were introduced to RP for men, but apparently it was long enough ago that you've already spent $50,000 trying to push the Wall away.

I'm 37. I say embrace the Wall.

That doesn't mean blackpilling yourself. It does mean aging gracefully, understanding your value underneath visible signs of youth and fertility, and having a solid moral and ethical foundation to base your life around.

If you've made mistakes: understand what the mistakes are. Do better next time. Maybe enter nun mode to deal with them -- I don't mean "get plastic surgery", I mean "grow as a human being". Read some Laura Doyle, some Alison Armstrong. Read whatever the Endorsed Contributors here have written.

Let go of jargon. That's for Vindicta and FDS girls. You're a red-pilled woman? Be feminine, not masculine, in your approach. Learn how to be sweeter, gentler, more agreeable with the men you're interested in catching. Be their soft place; be their Goddess of Light and Fun.

The Wall comes for us all, but it will come all the harder for you the faster you try to run away from it.

Shaiziin · 2023-08-18T10:26:02+00:00

This "wall" only exists on the internet. You ladies have got to stop letting social media run your lives. Use your head please

__CitrusJellyfish · 2023-08-18T01:30:24+00:00

PLEASE no more posts about 29/ 30 y.o. women being ‘in the danger zone’ or about to hit the wall. Yeah, maybe if you don’t take care of yourself. If you’re single and in your mid 30s (& fertility is the key concern) consider getting your eggs frozen.

WhatIsThisAccountFor · 2023-08-18T02:25:18+00:00

I’m so sorry if this is against the rules to say, but this post is absolutely like a BPD Schizo post. Like you sound absolutely insane lol

How the hell do you expect to get a man to propose to you while dating other men? Is this a troll post?

buni223 · 2023-08-18T07:18:22+00:00

25 is not in danger of hitting the wall omg 💀 I genuinely feel so bad for people who think like this

VasiliyZaitzev · 2023-08-18T15:54:53+00:00

The best optimization strategy is to vet early and to vet well. Like starting in your early 20s. You don’t have to get married then but you should start figuring out what guy is just in it for fun and what guy will sit in the waiting room with your purse when you go in for a follow-up bc your doc saw a dark spot on your mammogram.

The Wall^SPLAT! is softer than you think particularly if you are aging with a partner. Ideally, RPW won’t be in a position where the idea posited by the OP happens but sometimes life doesn’t go how you want it to.

kitterkatty · 2023-08-18T09:56:26+00:00

Science is advancing if you’re in decent shape. My OBGYN still wants me to have more kids. And they’re serious it’s not some joke. A couple nurses at the hospital suggested the best drs and our pediatrician did too. So yeah even 29 has like 10 years to go, if healthy and all systems good, not kidding.

Delicious_Ad_1437 · 2023-08-18T15:47:00+00:00

I’m confused by your post, I cant help but feel like- you are treating yourself like a female to be won over and bred. I’m not judging or anything bc you are right- humans and our brains have are programmed to want to make babies, we evolved that way.

Personally, I had a kid around 30 bc I started dreaming about babies and I wanted to have one so badly.

Maybe not in the states but in other developed countries, it’s not unusual to get married in your late 30s and have your first kid around 40. I know bc when I had my first kid at 30, I was in a room w a lot of other women who were having there first kid in their late 30s.

You might feel a sense of urgency to find someone to mate w , and you might feel like, investing in someone who doesn’t pan out is a waste of time- but it’s even more of a waste of time if you are not patient and force it on the wrong person

Ok-Promotion-861 · 2023-08-18T01:56:34+00:00

Hvm don’t care for age as long as you’re just younger

Uglypostwall · 2023-08-18T00:33:45+00:00

People say 30 is the danger zone, lol.Everyone freaking out about it in their prime,come on.Like seriously ?What about 35+?Thats even more danger zone.

I am above the danger zone (late 30s,not good with my family,unmarried,childfree), and the concept of "the wall" is true. I have realized that it is impossible to find a guy, so I have given up. I am not an optimistic person. Personally, I believe that real masculine or healthy men don't date or marry older women, and falling in love with them seems impossible. I have accepted that I will be alone and don't want kids. For me, dating with the intention of marriage seems exhausting because most guys will reject it, and it just wastes more time. So, it is better to deal with reality, no matter how much it hurts. Watching my exes move on and seeing men doing great things to contribute to society, while I am just... existing?

However, I do crave having a partner. So, what have I decided to do? My way of dealing doesn't align with the red pill ideology, but I go on dates and meet guys just to learn something, anything random. For example, I went on a date with a guy who told me about a market offering discounts, so I went to that market and bought stuff (see, the date gave me some useful information, lol). I have received money advice, stolen some recipes from a chef, and one guy even helped me fix ad-pop ups on my phone.Sometimes I casually date guys or look for companion.It may feel lonely, but I have become friends with some of them, and it has helped me in terms of social connections because one of them helped me find a job. If I go on a date with a rich man, I will surely ask him for money advice or whatever. It doesn't matter if he rejects me.Whether I got dumped or asked out, I always try to steal helpful tips from them, lol.

My motto is "Learn everyone's life hacks and use them in your life" (I know it sounds stupid). But yeah, I do it to help myself or learn something that I can use in the future.

Mighty_Wombat42 · 2023-08-18T23:25:06+00:00

With regards to the age remarks: youth is not the only thing we can offer as women. There are countries with very young ages of consent, and yet we don’t see even extremely wealthy men who could easily afford it running off in droves to Japan or Angola to pull 14 year olds. I am 30 now and have spent the years you call the “danger zone” in nun mode, part of it was for reasons beyond my control but part of it was my choice because I knew I needed to work on myself. And honestly I don’t regret it and I feel like it paid off. I get more attention from men now than I did when I was 20 honestly. And more importantly, the attention I get is in the form of general kindness and romantic interest from men who share my goals of marriage and family, as opposed to like cat calling and being propositioned for sex. To be fair, I was unattractive (very overweight) and unapproachable (bad attitude) at 20. I also have talked to a whole lot of traditionally minded women who met their husbands at or after 30.

I’m not saying your age doesn’t matter or that you should waste time in your 20s on relationships you know won’t work out. I am saying that the idea that there is a sharp drop off in a woman’s attractiveness at the age of 30 is really only relevant for people who are regularly using large amounts of hard drugs, or otherwise not taking care of their physical appearance. If you are concerned about having kids, definitely freeze your eggs and look into what can be done to maintain fertility. But there will always be someone younger, and I think for women 25+ obsessing over our age is counter productive when we can focus on all the other things we can bring to the table (SMV, RMV, femininity, fun).

Generally the benefits women 30+ offer over younger women and girls are that we know ourselves and what we want, have put in the work to overcome any childhood issues or negative traits, are financially and emotionally stable (yes men don’t care about our careers but they do care that we’re not gold diggers, and some may like that the future mother of their children would be able to provide for them if something happens to him), we’re confident in our bodies and selves without needing to post thirst traps or seek male attention, we have adult hobbies and interests and aren’t out in the club and partying, we have experience dealing with life’s problems and know how to handle emergencies, we can stay calm and composed in stressful situations, and we tend to be less superficial and more focused on what’s important. Yes there are younger women who can do these things too, but it is less common and my point is to focus on what you actually can bring to the table rather than on something you can’t (being 18 for the rest of your life).

AutoModerator · 2023-08-17T23:29:11+00:00

Title: For ladies in the "danger zone" approaching The Wall (25-29): what happens if you get a bf, date exclusively for 1-2 years, and then break up? You've effectively wasted your time being loyal to one man who won't marry you. Do you date other men while in a relationship until you get a proposal?

Full text: Question stated above. The quality of your eggs and desirability drops off at 30, and even more so at 35. Let's say you're 27 and haven't been married yet, but you've had one or two boyfriends and know how to be in a relationship, be feminine, and generally know what values and characteristics you'd like in a future husband. You meet someone and your life goals align (marriage, children). You date until your 29th birthday, and realize you are not a match. Now you have 1 year left to find a husband (2 at the most).

How soon in a relationship should you cut it off if you don't have a proposal? Should you continue going on dates with other men WHILE you are in that relationship to make sure that you have a backup option before 30, in case your current guy decides to leave you?

What's the best optimization strategy here?

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