I changed and it still wasn’t enough.

Jawn_McClane · 2023-12-11T23:18:11+00:00

It’s not your fault. It’s her way to clear herself of taking the leap. There is love and there is leverage, and if the expectations are always changing they will likely always be changing. Heal. Move on. Don’t blame your self. Stay the course of making those changes. So it for yourself now mate. Cheers. Going through the same.

skirted_dork · 2023-12-12T00:58:34+00:00

When they ask you to change, usually means "meet my ever changing expectations". The more you give, the more you lose. Focus on you and being a good dad and time will reward you

cactuscharlie · 2023-12-12T00:50:20+00:00

I think our wives are lying when they said "if you had just done X than we would not be divorcing". I think it's just a mean thing to say, even if they believe it at the time. If you do the math, it never adds up.

I haven't told my full story, but some of it has to do with babies. We never had kids. Basically I asked "would yu be divorcing me now if we had a kid?". She said "No, I would never do that" clearly meaning for the sake of the kid.

And that's the math. She wanted a divorce, but wouldn't if I had impregnated her. It doesn't add up. Either you love me or you don't.

And I was to what? Raise a child with a woman who doesn't really love me? For the benefit of not getting dumped?

Dear OP. It wasn't enough. There was never another level that could create "enough".

Blue_wafflestomp · 2023-12-11T23:55:46+00:00

she still likes to say “I would of grown old with you if you had changed sooner”

This is a blatant lie. Even if you had gone to therapy at her first suggestion, it still would have ended the same. Women say shit like this as a cop out for not being committed from the day of vow. The day she first asked for therapy, she was asking you to change because the novel new love feeling was wearing off, and she wasn't equipped to part ways with it or take responsibility for her part in it. That doesn't mean that you might not need therapy, and she might not need therapy, but the idea that the marriage ended because you went too late is a shield she is using.

She wasn't committed to you, she was committed to the feeling she got from being with you. That early feeling is inevitably going to end in some capacity in all marriages. In successful marriages, weathering its death and sticking it out grows the stronger, deeper, richer long term love that people talk about on their death beds to each other.

Everyone changes throughout their entire life, and no two people will ever change or grow at the same rate and same times. Growing apart at times is inevitable. Marriage is about using each other's change to help lift and elevate the other person through their own growth struggles, creating a stronger team in the end for the effort. She wasn't in it for that. She just wanted someone who made her feel like she was in a hallmark movie for the rest of her life. When that movie feeling inevitably ends just as every dumb hallmark movie ends, she didn't accept that it was time to pick up heavy tools together, and in the end resented and lost her respect for you.

I heard the same words. I've done the laps you did. I wanted to blame myself for everything. We make mistakes, we do things wrong, but that isn't justification for what she's doing to you.

Brother, it gets better. Keep your chin up. Enjoy the time you get with your kids. Everyone in here is rooting for you. There are better and good women out there who look for marriage for the right reasons. In time you'll find you don't need it or them, and that's probably when you'll find her.

techrmd3 · 2023-12-11T23:21:15+00:00

>“I see how Much you have changed but it will never be enough for me”

If it's any consolation... at least she stated the real female truth to you. Most men get the "jump doggy jump" act and change to fit whatever whim the woman has for her to be "happy". Strange thing is... the man's change is never enough and it's never good enough.

Which means the "You need to change" was all a smokescreen.
AND the statement “I would of grown old with you if you had changed sooner” is ALSO a smokescreen.

Both these statement ARE in fact rhetorical/verbal framing by a woman who wants to establish that SHE has the moral high ground not you. She is the paragon of correct behavior not you. She is not at fault for ANYTHING and you are at fault for EVERYTHING.

One of the curious things about women's thinking is that they MAKE a decision and then post decision point RATIONALIZE and EDIT their decision to make them look good from a logical rational point of view. Typically women never make decisions from rational/logical frame they ALWAYS seem to make decisions by feelings.

I've stated this before but women in relationships are VERY BINARY. They are either IN and turned ON the relationship or they are OUT and turned OFF. There is no in between there is NO "let's talk" there is solely her decision and it's final.

This is why it's so hard to rekindle or get back with past intimate partners. Women are wired to either be into a man or not. A man can't change this OFF position by doing "better" or "changing"... that's why your ex told you "it's not enough"

What she DIDN'T tell you (maybe she's not even conscious of it) she didn't tell you that NOTHING is Good enough now... she's OFF she's OUT.

igorstimacchat · 2023-12-12T06:07:47+00:00

I'm going to say things bluntly, but coming from a place of love. I'm also going through similar things too.

Why enter these discussions with her? As other people say, she is editing her story to fit her decisions.

You changing sooner wouldn't have been enough. There is no 'enough' for her. You don't need to seek her approval or hear her justifications.

She left your family when you had a 2 month old baby. That alone speaks volumes as to the kind of person she is.

Focus on yourself brother and keep doing you ❤️

upvotersfortruth · 2023-12-12T02:29:28+00:00

During the separation I made some really good changes and went to therapy(she did not wish to go,said it was to late) and still go on occasion now. She told me “I see how Much you have changed but it will never be enough for me”.

This is the case 99.9% of the time. It is never enough and never apprecaited. Fuck, at least she was honest - if not brutally so.

SpiritualEnema · 2023-12-12T01:07:39+00:00

You’re not supposed to change who you are to suit a woman. It actually makes you less attractive in her eyes. You control the frame and narrative of the relationship. You lead and she follows. This is the way that women are most satisfied in a relationship.

Hard way to learn this lesson.

KnightInSpookyArmor · 2023-12-12T01:46:45+00:00

This whole thread is word for word my experience. And the advice is spot on.

potsdam_flotsom · 2023-12-12T08:12:26+00:00

Tbf it sounds like something they say to feel better when they almost feel guilty for not being honest with themselves and/or you for years haha

lifeisallihave · 2023-12-12T10:03:47+00:00

You will be fine Tom, we changed but they never did. You will be an awesome dad and have a great life.

rhett342 · 2023-12-12T10:48:38+00:00

I don't know you, your problems, or how much you've changed. The one thing that sticks out to me is, didn't she know how you were before you got married? Seriously, unless you're just the best person in the world at hiding things, she should have been able to pick up on any serious problems before she said "I do." That being the case, her expectations changed after you got married. You didn't sign up for that. Even then, after her expectations changed, you went to counseling and did change. What more does thus woman expect from you?

She says you d8nt change enough. Friend, I have a feeling that if you had changed into a prince, it wouldn't have been enough for her. For that matter,, you said you went to counseling but she wouldn't. That shows you tried to do everything you could but she wouldn't do the same for you. You deserve better than that.

You deserve a woman who accepts you as you are. A woman who doesn't change her expectations into something impossible to match. A woman who will work to change for you, too.

Your wife wasn't her. You deserve better, brother. Be glad she cut you loose when she did. Before you wasted even more of your life and love than you already have. I hope that one day, you'll fund a woman who I worth being there foe you.

Solid_Exercise6697 · 2023-12-12T03:00:20+00:00

Hey man I can relate. Starting divorce process after 8 years married, 13 together with 2 young kids. Like you I did a ton to change and improve myself, while she did nothing and blames me. We both had drug and alcohol use problems, we used them to self medicate and just cope with life. 2 years ago I started getting sober to be a better husband and father, been sober almost 18 months now. She never stopped drinking or abusing ambien. During that time I started therapy, was diagnosed ADHD and turns out I used drugs and alcohol my whole life to self medicate the anxiety and depression that comes along with it. Got on medication and I have zero interest in drugs or alcohol of any kind. She refused to go to therapy or deal with her problems. She continued to abuse prescription ambien and drink every single night.

Honestly it was like the more I changed for the better the worse our relationship got. I resented her for not putting in the work to fix us. It was all on me to fix the marriage. I realize now, that the person I am now would never marry or be interested in the person she is now.

Ncfc48 · 2023-12-12T10:16:38+00:00

Sorry mate happens to so many of us but I promise if you carry on with your improvements you can go on to far better things UK also 🇬🇧 Norwich

krazykanuck · 2023-12-11T23:38:31+00:00

The best way I’ve been able to reason it is this, if there was someone I didn’t want to be with, truly didn’t want them at all, there is nothing they could do to change that. It’s just how it is. It’s not something to take personal. It’s like you’re an Orange. Some people don’t like Oranges. They may have at one time, but now they just don’t. It doesn’t make it the Orange’s fault.

capitalawesome2016 · 2023-12-12T04:23:07+00:00

Sorry to hear, but I'm glad you're doing well. It's not your fault. Similar story to mine. I made a bunch of good changes (getting in shape, be more positive) and it didn't matter, she had made her decision long ago. But the changes I made helped me and my children and I'm far better off.

Those statements from her sound manipulative, she shouldn't be saying stuff like that after divorce. Try to ignore comments like that and focus on your kids. Be "business -professional" with your communication for co-parenting and don't get emotional. If you ignore the comments and don't respond, and take a deep breath, don't react, she'll get less enjoyment from making them and eventually stop.

Keep being a great dad for your kids, they'll appreciate it. Think long term. You can do this.

DivorceRecoveryMen · 2023-12-12T09:30:07+00:00

You would have never been enough.. She actually did you a favor. Now, in time, you get to enjoy your new positive reality without her on your side sucking the life out of you. Be no means is it a easy journey but totally worth it.

Revolutionary_Law793 · 2023-12-12T01:22:35+00:00

were you mean or shouting at her and children often?

Busy-Grapefruit-5149 · 2023-12-12T08:20:09+00:00

🤣🤣🤣

Miserable_Ad_1172 · 2023-12-12T07:53:11+00:00

Agreed, thanks for replying.

Title	I changed and it still wasn’t enough.
Author	Miserable_Ad_1172
Upvotes	33
Comments	60
Date	December 11, 2023 11:05 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/18g73pj/i_changed_and_it_still_wasnt_enough/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/i-changed-and-it-still-wasnt-enough.1240528 https://theredarchive.com/post/1240528

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