How do I not be the creepy old guy?

BlackDogBeer · 2023-12-26T14:53:33+00:00

Thank you all for the comments. I get that I'm totally overthinking it and when I took the time to relax, meditate, and think about the different emotions and thoughts I was going through, it came back to what I'm dealing with around perfectionism/control issues.

Letting go and living in reality is somewhat new for me as will being alone. We've been together for over 30+ years and I relied too much on her for approval and validation, things that were part of my childhood programming. I feel like in those two situations I slipped back into judging myself and looking for those around me to validate what I'm doing was ok. I know, who cares about others as long as I'm not doing something to hurt them or impede on their enjoyment.

Maybe it was just that this year felt off and we did things separate from each other. This wasn't how I thought my life would be and part of me is still fighting to accept it. I have to remember that acceptance is courage, not surrender. I have to accept what's happening in my life and that I will be doing things by myself.

I like the comments here that have mentioned other people probably didn't even see me or take notice. I don't think twice about going shopping by myself so why should doing anything else be any different. Appreciate all the feedback.

Timely_Froyo1384 · 2023-12-26T14:41:43+00:00

https://www.audible.com/mk/t/title-3?asin=B01I28NFEE&source_code=GO1DH13304232190RB&device=m&ds_cid=71700000111539538&ds_agid=58700008443601057&ds_kids=p76839008689&gclid=Cj0KCQiAkKqsBhC3ARIsAEEjuJh2r8cCbrBJ6XIkpMWHk9SP1y_6BtN_0Ifb3G2e_PhQjG4pOMP6FzQaAiyUEALw_wcB&gclsrc=aw.ds

You need to read this book.

BurnDownTheMission68 · 2023-12-26T13:51:59+00:00

Everyone is giving you the “You go girl!” advice but keep in mind you WILL be seen as creepy if you try to interact with people in most social situations when you are in this demographic.

You will be viewed as a threat, someone to avoid.

No one is going to let you into their social circle as a divorced 53 year old man.

Deezcleannutz · 2023-12-26T12:40:58+00:00

People are not concerned with you. Eat a meal alone, whatever.. be confident in your choices and live your life. Others are really not even thinking about you.

SwordfishVegetable38 · 2023-12-26T10:10:22+00:00

What is it like to date yourself? No, seriously. Imagine going to a nice dinner, dressed up, and you're focused on what it's like to be with you?

A therapist I saw challenged me with this. I was traveling for work in Florida at a resort. I made dinner reservations for two (even though it was just me). Got myself ready like I was going to meet someone for a dinner date (which I had had one previously at that point in the divorce), showered, and looked my best. Went to the restaurant, sat on the balcony, and listened to the live music. I took my time, felt super casual, and asked myself what I really wanted to eat. Ordered from every part of the menu. Reflected on questions that I would ask someone I was on a date with and didn't know. Then, I answered those questions. In my head, of course.

Sure, I saw other people around me. The internal dialog, however, was not centered on what a loner I was. It was centered on curiosity about myself in a kind and loving manner. And right there is the difference between doing stuff on your own thinking about other people thinking about you.

GrouseyPortage · 2023-12-26T06:54:37+00:00

Ya dude I wouldn’t worry about it. People are too caught up in their own shit. Do you and carry on.

lothar_of_the_hill_p · 2023-12-26T06:10:04+00:00

I feel like that sometimes. It hits me in the grocery store going through the aisles and especially when I see a loving/functional family or couple.

Music helps me sometimes, especially early in the divorce process. The song "Dancing in the dark" by Bruce Springsteen has an inspirational line that goes something like "There's a joke/ it's wild and it's on me/a shake this world off my shoulder/ come on baby the laughs on me."

Bob Seger also has some great songs that relate.

RNGJesusRoller · 2023-12-26T05:02:48+00:00

Here’s the one thing you need to realize. And think about. When is the last time you went to mini golf, bowling, the movies, or anything? And saw someone there by themselves, and thought “what a loser”. Or, “what a creep”

You don’t even notice people when they’re out by themselves doing their own thing for the most part. This is completely in your head. Live your life.

georeddit2018 · 2023-12-26T04:30:07+00:00

Live your life. Nothing creepy about going out to movies or bowling alone.

Hot-Jump-1548 · 2023-12-26T04:19:06+00:00

Hanging out at a playground by yourself is creepy. Lingering near the fitting rooms at Victoria's Secret is creepy.

Going to the movies or bowling alone isn't creepy.

upvotersfortruth · 2023-12-26T03:41:37+00:00

If you feel creepy, you are creepy. You've been through some shit and are enjoying yourself - alone. Don't let anyone's opinion get in the way of that. Project self-assured confidence and DGAF, not creepy.

Dangerous-Sir777 · 2023-12-26T03:21:10+00:00

I just turned 44. I’m going through a custody battle and divorce on my birthday. I went to one of the nicest restaurants in town wearing Carhart overalls and a sweatshirt got a big ass ribeye about four beers. It was the first time my life that I had gone to a restaurant by myself. And I loved it. I don’t give a fuck what anybody thinks anymore. Fuck them. If you aren’t doing anything wrong, don’t worry about it man. Enjoy life, it’s an ugly world we live in.

Embarrassed-Safe-670 · 2023-12-26T02:14:32+00:00

Dude, 59 here. I went to Bob Evans today by myself for Christmas dinner. I even got invited to join another family for dinner ( I declined ). I think people think of us older men more as widows or tragic cases than creepy.

GravityIsForRookies · 2023-12-26T01:09:29+00:00

I wouldn’t worry about that. If they are judging, it’s their issue. Hell, some may be jealous that you get to be alone.

AirSailer · 2023-12-26T00:29:35+00:00

I get the same feeling, it's not you. I'm the divorced uncle who only gets asked to contribute a salad at family dinners, as if that's the only dish I'm capable of making. I like kids, I have one myself, but people look at me weird if I ask to hold a child at a dinner party. Going to the movie as a single guy, people look at me weird unless it's a sci-fi movie. I can't go to a nice restaurant by myself and just eat without people literally staring at me unless I have my laptop and I look like I'm getting work done. I went to Japan and I felt so comfortable being in public alone, it seemed to be accepted there. In the US... East Coast, West coast, South or Midwest, I get the same looks. I'm a normal looking high-earner middle-aged white guy, nothing weird about me at all.

Acceptable_Piano4809 · 2023-12-26T00:25:38+00:00

Totally your own perception… how many times did you go out w your friends and notice a man by himself bowling or watching a movie? I used to have this fear of going out in public alone, until I realized how common it was, and now I actually enjoy doing things alone… I’ve noticed those that are comfortable with it are also a lot more self confident as well as laid back (I personally really respect anyone that can entertain themselves, and have always found these people usually get invited to hang out w other people.) I used to be so afraid I wouldn’t go to a store alone (unless it was grocery store), and now I almost get annoyed shopping w anyone else. This is almost necessary to achieve self love, and it’s really healthy for anyone struggling through a divorce. Women are also really attracted to confidence and once you get really comfortable in your own skin, you’ll find yourself much more successful meeting women. When I was afraid to hang out by myself, I was limited as to what I could do on the weekends by finding someone to hang out with. Once you get comfortable, your options increase exponentially and you will enjoy life a lot more. You don’t need a group of people to do something, you can go out and enjoy anything you want to anytime!

TALL-TOTH · 2023-12-26T00:06:40+00:00

They are looking at you, looking at them, looking at you.

justme4556 · 2023-12-25T23:50:19+00:00

All these reasons and it most likely is your own perception of yourself as you adjust to a new normal. Go do what you want. I prefer to go to the movies by myself. This summer I am going hiking solo. I only have to take care of me when my kids aren't visiting. Enjoy that freedom and rediscover who you are.

NotUsedUsernameYet · 2023-12-25T23:47:01+00:00

Don’t care about them. You don’t even communicate/approach other people - it’s not their business what you are doing. There are many reasons why person can be by themselves (business trip, SO went to see elderly parents/children/grandchildren, etc.)

Plenty-Entertainer71 · 2023-12-25T23:43:24+00:00

Who cares as long as you’re not gawking at women around you.

janegeladao · 2023-12-26T13:26:36+00:00

I'm (still) married, but I get you. When I was single, I've lived in different cities. That means that I was always around different people, and didn't have too many close friends or people to do stuff with. I also never really liked relationships, so even though I would always have flings, I didn't really have a girlfriend (which was fine by me). For a really long time, I'd just stay home alone and be sad that I didn't have friends to do things together, till I realized that I either would either do things alone or not at all. It's not the same doing stuff on your own, I do think that (at least some) people look and judge, but in the end, fuck them and what they think. With time I got used to that. Don't let that stop you from doing things you like.

Title	How do I not be the creepy old guy?
Author	BlackDogBeer
Upvotes	45
Comments	49
Date	December 25, 2023 11:29 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/18qtxjd/how_do_i_not_be_the_creepy_old_guy/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/how-do-i-not-be-the-creepy-old-guy.1241476 https://theredarchive.com/post/1241476

Comments