I'm terrified.

Salty-Environment864 · 2024-01-03T15:10:26+00:00

I’m so sorry that you are going through this. I had my own “situation” like this some years ago. That said, I would like to share some of my lessons learned.

“Sleuthing”: DON’T DO IT. It puts you in an f-ed up headspace and will have serious impact on your ability to trust in your next relationship.

“Commit”: SEE A LAWYER IMMEDIATELY. Legally separate NOW— and KNOW EXACTLY what you want in terms of custody. Be prepared for the lawyer to calculate a number for spousal and child support— and you probably won’t like it. It sounds as if you are the higher earner so it will sting.

Custody: Short of your wife suffering from drug addiction or creating an unsafe environment for the children, there will probably be shared custody. Prepare yourself for it.

Support for you! : Since you don’t live close to your own family, you will need to lean on your close friends where you live for emotional support. Also, may be a good idea to see if any of your own family would be willing to come visit you on a schedule so you would have some family around— note that this is also important for your children. They need to be connected to YOUR family as your marriage is dissolving. Do not try to go it alone because divorce is extremely lonely.

Your “wife”: She does not deserve you or your friendship or emotional support just because you have children together. She will continue to hurt you— sometimes intentionally, sometimes unintentionally based on her disregard for your feelings. Disconnect from what sounds like her toxicity— you will be happier that you did as you move on from it all.

Be an amazing Dad: Your children love you. You don’t need to become the “Disneyland Dad” to keep their love. Keep supporting them emotionally and become their biggest champion, confidant, and protector.

YOU GOT THIS!! I wish you all the best, and there is so much good stuff coming in your life. Stay strong 🙏🏽

martinG8736 · 2024-01-03T13:20:53+00:00

I'm in a slightly similar situation and all I can say is is that you have options and the best advice your gonna get and have gotten is to get out while you can. Kids involved is a hard thing to follow through with cause honestly, there are so many men out in this world that end up beat down by the woman and law just for being a male and a father at that while having the biggest heart for their children. Situations like this is exactly why alot of good men laugh at companionship. My experience like this put alot of disdain and rage in my heart that honestly I've come to the point of being spiteful, heartless for anybody other than my kids and a sever lack of trust for anyone that says their a friend. Currently im just bidding my time for the perfect revenge which happens in a trickle effect and everyone who's had a part to play will feel how I feel.

Consider saving yourself future pain and emptiness so you don't turn out like me. If you stick around you'll be hurt more and more till your nothing but a shell of who you once were.

RossTheDivorce4ce · 2024-01-03T08:15:05+00:00

Fear will only make you do stupid things. Don't be afraid. Be bold! Do it for the kids. Take charge of your life. Your kids are way too young to be "affected".

No-Exit6560 · 2024-01-03T05:05:09+00:00

Dude, hit the eject button this is not going to get better and only far worse.

Ordinary_Cup_1827 · 2024-01-03T03:46:37+00:00

“We had to stay at a friend’s house” I already knew where the story was heading

infinite-ignorance · 2024-01-02T21:11:19+00:00

One of the attributes of a narcissistic abuser is driving away your friends to try to isolate you.

saygrace2 · 2024-01-02T20:09:22+00:00

You’re friends with an 18 year old at 28 years old? Lol sorry just thought that’s kind of interesting

papafaraway · 2024-01-02T19:22:06+00:00

These guys are giving you good advice. I learned too late how manipulative the female poison is. I read “Divorce Poison” too late and lost the hearts and contact with my kids trying to be fair and nice with 50:50 custody. I’ll never fully trust another woman.

vickyprodigy · 2024-01-02T17:47:28+00:00

What a piece of shit woman. Not an ounce of remorse.

EnvironmentalAd3558 · 2024-01-02T17:17:01+00:00

Get and read No More Mr Nice Guy.

SuperSleuthGuy · 2024-01-02T16:52:26+00:00

This is NOT LEGAL but: While I know you’re in debt, start socking away small bits of cash where you can. Get an Amazon or cash based gift card(without fees/expiration) when checking out groceries. Over the course of the year, you can amass 100’s-1000s of dollars depending on what your normal spending would be. Don’t overdo it and raise red flags. Divorce and child support are expensive and having a jumpstart on the other end of it will go a long way. Keep in mind that alimony is calculated based on how long you were married and your respective incomes. If you’re out there now hustling for your family and taking extra shifts to pay your debt down, that may end up costing you more in child support and alimony.
If you have separate accounts, keep them that way.

conker574 · 2024-01-02T15:43:08+00:00

Starting right now... document everything. Most of it won't matter, but what does matter will save your ass in the long run

Document where the kids are during the day, night, which parent is staying with them. If she's drinking, document it. Make most important decisions over text so it's documented. I'd even consider turning on your phone camera everytime you have a discussion.

I know I'm not really answering your question, but START DOCUMENTING EVERYTHING

Old-Macaroon8148 · 2024-01-02T14:33:26+00:00

Kids aren’t a trump card that gets you out of every mistake you make. This is the third time you’ve caught her sleeping with other guys? Buddy I don’t know what to tell you. Stand up for yourself and part ways with this toxic woman or just lay there and be a doormat. No clue why you haven’t filed and filed a motion to get her the hell out of your house.

X_SuperTerrorizer_X · 2024-01-02T14:20:26+00:00

saying " we have to keep this civil for the kids"

The best way to do that in your situation is to co-parent. She’s just going to keep fucking other guys and guilt you into sticking around. Why would she stop now when there have been no consequences?

drtij_dzienz · 2024-01-02T14:17:38+00:00

Sounds like she lost all respect for you when you couldn’t provide a home for her

captainchippsixx · 2024-01-02T14:09:33+00:00

DNA test would be the first thing I would do man. Cheaters just keep cheating and cheating.

muchoalohakai · 2024-01-02T14:08:30+00:00

Others will for chime in and tell you there is a very very very low chance this can be reconciled… and if so, in a healthy way that doesn’t implode years from now.

You have to understand this.

My wife and had no affairs but lots of hurting each other and here in year 7 with all the resentment and bitterness and all that… we imploded. Not in process of divorce but both seeing it as an option.

All in all, if I were you, as terrifying and painful as it is, start preparing to find your way out. Your relationship with your kids will be amazing, don’t worry. But for that to happen, you have to stay healthy… and if you stay with her, there is a good chance it’ll be hard to stay healthy.

Title	I'm terrified.
Author	asmodeusmaier
Upvotes	30
Comments	46
Date	January 2, 2024 1:53 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/18wpxl4/im_terrified/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/im-terrified.1242103 https://theredarchive.com/post/1242103

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