Does it get better or worse after asking for a separation from an emotionally abusive wife

roman_erudite · 2024-01-23T08:19:48+00:00

I never understand filing for separation. Just file for divorce and get your freedom. Oh trust me they show their colors for real, all the lies, contempt and exploitation come in all their ugly colors and you'll pay up just to get your freedom back from the state.

The parasite that abused me for years is legally someone else's problem now ^{_^}

Erkeno · 2024-01-20T20:07:54+00:00

Be ready to fight for your kids, and skip the collaborative approach. Document, document, document (you’ll need facts at court) and don’t try to agree on anything unless your ex does first. Take everything you care about and make sure you move it straight ahead. Physical properties is honestly a very abstract concept in court and she’ll get away with throwing all your shit and/or deleting your files/wiping our hard drives (speaking of personal experience).

I left my ex wife 5 and a half years ago, it took me 3 and a half years to be officially divorced. We have one kid together. I was too naive and thought we could resolve in collaborative. As soon as she figured out she couldn’t get what she wants (which was basically extreme and not in our kid’s interest), she left the process and file to court with a bunch of lies. I lost most of the time with my kid (only 4 days a month!) with the temporary court order, and 2 years after a fight and a trial I managed to secure 50/50. But whenever we need to discuss about our kid lawyer are involved, we now have a « go-parenting » coach but she doesn’t listen to her. So every change is a pain.

All of this to say, I’m much happier now and I have an amazing relationship with my kid. That I was not able to have before. So despite all the shit and the lows I went through I don’t regret any day leaving my abusive ex. But it’s a financial and mental burden, so make sure you get the right support (friends, therapist, etc) because with an abusive ex partner, it never stops.

whiskey_piker · 2024-01-20T06:40:04+00:00

Mine was an emotional volcano. Always screaming at me. Always my fault.

I’ll save you some time, money, and mental anguish.

Get an attorney and listen to them. Completely skip marriage counseling as it won’t do anything. Plan your finances, pay off short term debt, get your car in running order. Cancel shared credit cards. Open your own bank account at a new bank. Stop blindly depositing paychecks into a shared account. Invest in your kids today and spend time with them. Make memories. Talk with them. Teach them to cook or bake.

The other part is for you to figure out how you let this happen. You were involved, and you stopped looking up for you. Why? That is what you need to solve. Live in the now; not the past and not the future. Just today. You did the best you could at the time with the tools you had but this is a new day and a new you. Also wouldn’t hurt to start losing weight, lifting wrights and pursuing some hobbies.

Awkward-Property-115 · 2024-01-19T22:41:51+00:00

Try to get some physical distance while you work on the divorce filing. Book an AirBnB somewhere or go to a hotel--doesn't really matter. But it will make doing what's necessary infinitely easier. I am speaking from experience.

bk2747 · 2024-01-19T16:28:50+00:00

You don’t “ask” for shit. You file for divorce.

wisstinks4 · 2024-01-19T13:13:21+00:00

OP, sorry to read about your marriage mess. I vote for mental health escape. This is a key step to a few things; 1. time and space away from the tyrant. She knows she can run you down. You’re weak today, you’ll be strong soon. 2. Prove you can be calm in a crisis. I guess is she enjoys tormenting you and when you react by getting upset, she enjoys knowing she can push her buttons. If you don’t feel comfortable having that conversation alone, bring a third-party. 3. She sounds like a toxic person, that’s not healthy for you or your children. Time to put your dad hat on, put some space between your children and the toxic lady. Go Greyrock, do the 180, ignore her.

Lastly, encourage you to develop a plan for recovery and strengthening your personality because as a mother of your children, you’re gonna have to learn to deal with her in the future. Go see a counselor and have some conversations about managing conflict. Wishing you well. Busy work through this crisis. Be safe.

EnvironmentalAd3558 · 2024-01-19T06:34:11+00:00

You can tell what you have decided. Don’t ask or argue.

Time to read No More Mr Nice Guy.

upvotersfortruth · 2024-01-19T02:40:22+00:00

Don't ask. Act. She will act out in a variety of ways, but eventually it will get better. If nothing else, you'll have your own space and ability to control your environment and interactions.

Least_Winter9632 · 2024-01-18T22:50:42+00:00

I always worried about the impact on my kids, but someone shared on here that is better for your kids to be from a broken home, than IN a broken home. I always remind myself of that. They no longer get woken up middle of the night with mom attacking dad and getting thrown in jail

Classic_Dill · 2024-01-18T22:04:51+00:00

It gets better, without question.

Dan_H1281 · 2024-01-18T22:00:17+00:00

Dude it sucks for a couple of months but h do you and do the right thing every single time u get the chance ans yiu will prevail. My ex had me under her thumb had so much dirt on me I thought I never could get our and she knew how to use it against me. Today I just seen her riding passenger in a 30 year old explorer and me in my nice truck and my tool trailer with my guys working for me with me. You will come out in top in the end if you do the right things. If you are a miserable person you csnt be the parent you need to be. You gotta leave and fight for your kids if she isn't willing to let u have custody. I have custody of my kids and their mothers are absent but the best thing I have ever done was leave my abusive situation. Collect every bit of evidence you can. If you have enough for a protection order get it u will keep the house and the kids and it will be very hard for her to take it back. Be ruthless because she will be.

Individual_Essay8230 · 2024-01-18T21:44:15+00:00

it is possible that your kids will respect you for standing up for yourself and showing them how to advocate for yourself even when you are scared.

Responsible-Yak-3809 · 2024-01-18T21:42:24+00:00

Yeah it's tough, very very tough. If you're in a situation like me, the only thing you can think of is the children are better off not being in that environment. Whether they get out or they don't have to witness what is going on. Either way it has to be better. Hopefully they themselves are not subjected to this and if they're not, well no doubt they will be better off and not right away but in due time they should understand what you did and why you did it.

To help you, maybe you start writing this note/diary/letter to your children as if you're one day explaining to them why you made the decision you did. Why it was what you needed to do not only for yourself but for them as well.

karebearwe · 2024-01-18T21:31:27+00:00

It will get worse. They will try a lot of tactics to keep the status quo, but eventually it will get better and the freedom you gain will be beautiful.

captainchippsixx · 2024-01-18T21:26:10+00:00

You have to plan this shit out of your exit. You want to surprise her. You want to have a living arrangement plan ready to go. You want to be ready for bull shit. False accusations, police, cps, abuse claims, money grabbing, turn the kids against you. You must always be on the offensive. Don’t take the high road. She will do whatever no matter what path you take. You want to have assets at the ready for housing, expenses, etc.

Moms_Sketti88 · 2024-01-18T21:24:39+00:00

Mine is emotionally abusive and physically abusive at times too. I just started having the separation talks and they are not going well. According to her I’m a narcissist 🙄for wanting a divorce

jimsmythee · 2024-01-18T21:14:07+00:00

I got accustomed to my exwife's verbal abuse when she didn't get her way. Always walking on eggshells with her. Sometimes she'd go off on people because she'd run out of narcotics.

Or she'd go off on people when they wouldn't drop what they're doing and come running when she screamed out their name. Gawd I found that annoying. I tried 100 different times and a 100 different ways to tell her how much I hated that. It didn't work. So I just stopped responding to her when she would do that. She was convinced I was going deaf.

I'll be honest. Don't do a separation. Just file for divorce. I did.

YellowLT · 2024-01-18T21:13:11+00:00

It will get better if you work through it, go get a therapist. If you bottle it up that tends not to go well.

jlaw33 · 2024-01-18T21:09:03+00:00

Stay strong bro. I am going that something similar. Control only what you can and that’s your words and action. Don’t give her the power to control you any more. Don’t be triggered into doing something foolish

Title	Does it get better or worse after asking for a separation from an emotionally abusive wife
Author	softinvest
Upvotes	20
Comments	33
Date	January 18, 2024 8:59 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/19a0o5n/does_it_get_better_or_worse_after_asking_for_a/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/does-it-get-better-or-worse-after-asking-for-a.1243245 https://theredarchive.com/post/1243245

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