When I'm alone I fantasize about women; when I'm with women, all my sexual desires fade away.

Valkuil · 2015-05-04T07:17:36+00:00

Honestly, try first stop watching porn and masturbate before talking yourself into a more serious psychological issue.

demela · 2015-05-04T05:51:31+00:00

That's your brain trying to pull you out the deep end before you drown, unfortunately the brain likes to pull this crap of wanting something but fears failure or unknown so it creates a failsafe in case you go too far and need out. For example, You've heard about this party for a month, you really wanna go cause of all the cute girls there and despite your shyness you wanna make a move, come the night of the aprty and suddenly that age old "I gotta make an excuse to just stay home" option comes into your head, why? cause deep down you know your gonna feel some anxiety because you're actually gonna talk to girls now instead of hyping yourself up with made up scenarios in your head, the brain also does a good job at making you comfortable with those decisions, you gotta learn to bust past them

4pocrypha · 2015-05-04T02:17:05+00:00

I feel the same way... but for me, it's an almost "guilty," or "remorseful" feeling. That's the best I can do to explain it.

It's like I feel bad for wanting to fuck/use this girl, and potentially hurting her feelings. But, deep down, I really want to get laid. I just want to share something as intimate as sex with the right one.

tooeasilybored · 2015-05-04T06:37:57+00:00

Have you thought that maybe you just haven't found the one that tickles your fancy? I've been there countless times, when you meet someone incredibly beautiful you can't help but lust for her. Once you get to know them a bit, you might find that she just doesn't do it for you personally.

Hell I've had this happen halfway through a long term relationship. Especially if you're the kind of guy who actually picks and chooses their sexual partners. We all know guys who never turn down pussy no matter who it is, they just want it. For me personally I have to feel something or else it is just unbearable.

Sky-Sky · 2015-05-04T14:52:54+00:00

I can kind of relate to this. I certainly feel horny a lot of the time and see plenty of girls around me who physically attract me. But there have been many times when sex with those girls has been 'on the cards' so to speak, and at that point i begin to just lose interest and would just rather be chilling on my own. Then enough time passes and I think, why did I do that?!

For me I think it is partly because, in some ways, I am very introverted. Being social, especially with people with whom I don't 100% synergise (i.e. most people!), I find quite exhausting. And while I have the desire for sex, to actually have sex means I have to engage in the social aspect of talking, getting to know someone, and so on. And that latter, draining act of socialising, which often repels me from someone, increasingly wins the battle over my sexual desire, which often attracts me to a girl. When I am alone, I don't have to partake in that draining socialising, and so my sex drive is unsuppressed.

Does that make any sense?

Thankfully I do still have a bit of a sex life and there are some people - including girls - out there who I can have fun with and enjoy being with. But it still feels like a rarer occurance than average and I feel I will always find most socialising draining, unless it is with someone who I have a strong connection with.

2015-05-04T09:31:55+00:00

[permanently deleted]

arobotspointofview · 2015-05-04T15:06:35+00:00

You sound just like me.

I love women. I think about women. I look at women. I fantasize about women, but I've NEVER pursued one. EVER. Even when I was younger.

Now 35, I've been in 2 relationships my entire life. Both were initiated by the women.

When I was in relationships, I felt stifled and obligated to do what they wanted to do. I felt like I had no control over my own life.

Deep down, I don't think I have any interest in a real relationship. I just prefer to masturbate and spend time on my hobbies, job and friends.

MrAnonyMousetheGreat · 2015-05-04T09:26:51+00:00

Think of people in dreams vs. people in reality. In one, they're not real people but manifestations that your brain creates. In one sense, they are you, but perhaps not the you you, but I'm digressing. In reality, people are people. They are a living, breathing other individual. They govern their own actions, have their own thoughts, and these often are necessary ingredients for our pleasurable interaction with them and also for our shitty interactions with them.

So in your fantasies, these women are ideas/constructs, and you don't see or experience them as people with an inner world equivalent to the one you have. When you interact with them, your brain cannot help but accept that you have a living, breathing individual in front of you. I think it varies from individual to individual, with some people being at psychopathic or sociopathic end of the spectrum, as well varying based on the mental state you're in, but this realization that the person in front of you in the real world is a living, breathing individual is an almost natural, subconscious one that you have no control over. The person in front of you is not the person in your fantasy.

My advice to you is that you do (or at least did) have a natural sexual drive apart from your fantasies (which aren't wrong). But that means being sexually turned on by the person in front of you, not by your fantasy or objectification of her. Does she smell nice? Do you like the feel of her hair (kino)? Do you like the way she looks at you? It's about the person in front of you.

Role playing and fantasies can come later.

rainbowSober · 2015-05-04T11:17:45+00:00

Just some nice and quick advice - just go for the kiss even if you;re not particularly feeling it at that moment. Once you start making out you should get horny pretty quickly.

demela · 2015-05-04T12:21:34+00:00

Omg! Someone finally put into words how I feel, I am the same towards men, I don't get it!! Looking forward to answers on this thread.

jobruthers · 2015-05-04T11:50:15+00:00

/r/nofap

niem254 · 2015-05-04T09:32:38+00:00

Stop watching porn.
Stop jerking off.
Stop being a pussy.

2015-05-04T03:32:54+00:00

This is usually either having came too recently... Or having conflicting feelings toward sexual desire.

RahsaanK · 2015-05-04T16:48:18+00:00

NO MORE PORN. Your expectations are too high and as a result you aren't turned on. Quit and see the difference.

Luckybuck1991 · 2015-05-04T19:17:31+00:00

Porn might be a problem

Call_Me_Double_G · 2015-05-04T22:25:32+00:00

Try connecting with them and find things in them that you personally value in a girl. This can be hobbies, interests, views, etc. If you can't make this connection, either you need to improve in this area and make your life more exciting, or the girls you're hanging around simply not attractive to you.(more than physically).

dickonpedestal · 2015-05-04T03:43:42+00:00

The brain plays tricks when you are idle doing nothing. You fantasize about even the lamest girls when you become desparate. Even lame Girls =Angels when you are alone in bed.

Get out of your home, meet people, have fun, hit the gym. All those fantasies will fade away because you weren't actually attracted to that lame ass chick in the first place.

AnonymousAutonomous · 2015-05-04T01:41:39+00:00

I dont know what to tell you, just go for it anyway? I am sure a girl can invoke arousal if you get far enough with it.

ThatSpecialPlace · 2015-05-04T02:42:32+00:00

It seems that there's just a shell that you need to break out of. You're just going to have to break out of your comfort zone and do something you're not used to.

Indianbro · 2015-05-04T05:57:42+00:00

Abundance mentality. When you're alone, you feel like women are scarce, however when you are out you see women all around in an abundance. This shouldn't deter you from approaching.

ClockDarling · 2015-05-04T09:03:02+00:00

If I were to take a guess, I'd say you're craving intimacy. That feeling of being close to someone in more than just a physical way. A real connection is more than just sex. You're still attracted to and desire women but it sounds like you're over chasing after sex with random women. Maybe you haven't found someone you connect well with. Someone that makes your day fly by when you're with her and glues a smile to your face. Someone that stimulates your mind and you actually enjoy spending time with.

Sexual attraction is more than just physical. Could be why those feelings fade away so quickly. Anyway, I may be wrong about your situation but it's something you can think about.

EndOfTheUniverse · 2015-05-04T10:19:06+00:00

Check out The War of Art

rangamatchstick · 2015-05-04T13:20:31+00:00

I used to and still have a similar issue sometimes, I found the fix is to just do it, as in you know deep down you want to be deep inside her and that you dont want to waste this date so when you are in the right situation and you have picked up enough IOI's just kiss her, just do it for the sake of it will all come back!

philosarapter · 2015-05-04T13:46:40+00:00

Its possible you are ashamed of sexuality or your sexuality. Lots of people have been conditioned to believe sex is 'wrong' or sex is 'dirty' or that sex is something only a man wants and a woman gives. With this mentality its easy to "get away with it" when no one is watching, but the same mentality will have you hide it in public as if it were something to be ashamed of.

Maybe you should try to just make yourself more comfortable with the idea of sexuality. Talk to people men and women both about sexuality, see if you can become more comfortable with the idea. Try to be open about it, get people sharing embarrassing or funny stories about sex. Find some common ground. Plus talking sex with women will usually put them in the mood.

ziggl · 2015-05-04T15:58:01+00:00

Wow, I'm right there with you dude. Some good discussion in here.

windowtothesoul · 2015-05-04T16:03:28+00:00

I'm in pretty much the same boat now. I wasn't always. I was (am) still arguably good with women, have no confidence issues, can approach and close, etc. But since I started to workout my drive has just plumetted. I still love the thought of going out and picking up just as much as before, but in practice I just don't have the same desire.

It might be a simple solution for you, but it has been pretty complex for me and I don't porport to have a full answer. Partially, I think it has something to do with over thinking the results and looking too far down the road.

mb99 · 2015-05-04T17:17:25+00:00

I think this actually based in a fear of failure. It's easier to tell yourself to just be friends with them than it is to put yourself out there and risk getting rejected. Read models by mark manson, there's a pretty large section in that about this exact situation

amit240 · 2015-05-04T20:47:12+00:00

Same here, will read

dhgrossman92 · 2015-05-05T00:56:34+00:00

Behavioral activation. It's like if you're not hungry, and then you eat, and suddenly you're hungry. If you made a move despite not feeling the "want", you might find yourself wanting pretty hard.

johnny-faux · 2015-05-04T08:26:22+00:00

Stop jacking off!!!

After i stopped, i had so much more sexual desire for the women around me. Just go two days, and tell me how much your life changes.

doctorsnakelegs · 2015-05-04T08:41:37+00:00

I hear what you're saying and I feel what you mean. If there's a time and a place, it's college. You want to treat others the way you want to be treated. Some people want to be treated like a means to an end, a tool, or a sex object, but you're probably not one of them. Because you abide by Kantian ethics, deontology, which states the Golden Rule... Expect to make friends if you treat others like friends. John S. Mill, the utilitarianist, focuses on the consequences. If you want a girlfriend, then you must do what needs to be done to get a girlfriend.

Duality of deontology and utilitarianism causes a conflict. See, you need friends and you need a girlfriend: if you make friends, then you'll find a girlfriend. So you do you dude. Keep it up!

tehhim · 2015-05-04T04:06:04+00:00

It might not be a bad idea to check out /r/asexuality and see if any of their experiences resonate with you.

Title	When I'm alone I fantasize about women; when I'm with women, all my sexual desires fade away.
Author	Sunframe
Upvotes	188
Comments	79
Date	May 4, 2015 1:29 AM UTC (11 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/34rz26/when_im_alone_i_fantasize_about_women_when_im/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/when-im-alone-i-fantasize-about-women-when-im-with.1302260 https://theredarchive.com/post/1302260

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