There’s a lot of advice here given to young men about “finding a hobby or passion” “girls love when you’re busy doing your own thing.” While I agree that it’s important to have hobbies in life and passions to pursue, because it keeps your mind focused on positive things in life, I feel there is a disconnect between how that relates to actual dating advice.

Having hobbies and passions won’t get you laid. Plain and simple. What will get you laid is how you speak about them to women. The reality is that the hobby itself isn’t actually that important. It could be sewing, knitting, working out, playing dungeons and dragons, cosplaying, cycling, talking long walks etc. What is important is why these hobbies matter to you, and how little you care what the girl thinks about your hobby. I’ll take Warhammer 40k as an example below.

Warhammer is an incredibly expensive, time consuming hobby. From an outside perspective to someone unfamiliar with the concepts it can look like grown men playing with toys, it can look childish. If you have a warhammer collection and are out on a date, talking about your warhammer collection isn’t probably going to go great, and the woman may lose interest because she has no idea what you’re talking about.

This is the place a lot of men go wrong.

They try to explain the hobby to women, instead of explaining WHY the hobby is enjoyable specifically to them. A date, unless they specifically ask, doesn’t want to know the rules of warhammer and what each character does or represents. They want to know why you invest so much money into it. They want to know what drives you to continue collecting pieces.

Example conversations:

Her: What’s one of your favorite things to do on your day off?

You: One of my biggest hobbies is warhammer 40k!

Her: sorry, im not sure what that is…

You: Oh well, let me explain, its a game… etc etc etc…. 20 minutes later you’re explaining the intricacies of the color palette of your warriors and she’s completely zoned out looking for a way to leave.

This is the improper, but what I see as most common, way to speak about your hobbies. It makes it almost unbearable to listen to, because it will almost all be lost on them. They aren’t interested in learning about your hobby, they are interested in learning about how your hobby relates to your life overall. They may later in the relationship take an interest in your hobby, but during the seduction phase, they aren’t going to be putting in that effort. Below is a significantly better way to have that conversation.

Her: What’s one of your favorite things to do on your day off?

You: One of my biggest hobbies is Warhammer 40K!

Her: Sorry, im not sure what that is..

You: haha no worries, its a type of collecting/ game I play with my friends from university. Since we’ve all moved to different states and dont have time to meet up in person, we get together online to discuss the game/tatics. It’s been a really good way to keep in touch with people I otherwise don’t see often.

Or

Her: What’s one of your favorite things to do on your day off?

You: One of my biggest hobbies is Warhammer 40K!

Her: Sorry, im not sure what that is..

You: haha no worries, its a type of collecting/game I play. I started doing it with my dad before moving away to college as it was a way we bonded together and now that he’s passed it a positive reminder of him in my life.

Or

Her: What’s one of your favorite things to do on your day off?

You: One of my biggest hobbies is Warhammer 40K!

Her: Sorry, im not sure what that is..

You: haha no worries, its a type of collecting/game I play. I always liked art and painting but found I wasn’t great at doing it on paper. These collectibles are paintable, and I found it’s a way to combine my enjoyment of fantasy/roleplay and art.

These examples give an incredibly brief summary of what the hobby is and then dive into giving your date the WHY of why you do it. It shows that you’re passionate about it and leads to open ended questions about other parts of your life. You can jump off that question and start talking about families, or talk about how she stays in touch with her college friends, or if she ever had any dolls/stuffed animals growing up or if she has any artistic pursuits. Answering that question in that way naturally leads into deeper conversation topics without actually having to awkwardly segway into them. It also shows your date you’ve got a deeper level to you than a guy that just collects figurines.

This works for video games as well, no matter how many men will deny it does. If you play online games with your friends like WOW, don’t explain world of warcraft to her, she probably doesn’t care. Explain to her that it’s a good way to chat and hangout with your friends who don't live close enough, doing something you all find enjoyable. Or if you’re a competitive COD player, explain that you play as a way to get your competition fix in a way you enjoy.

By expressing your hobbies in this way it also shows you’re comfortable in yourself and aren’t looking for validation from her that your hobbies are interesting. She will see that regardless of what she thinks, you’ve got stuff in your life you enjoy, and don’t care about the way it’s portrayed in the world.

Finally, if she finds your hobbies lame or makes fun of you for them in a non playful way, insinuating that you’re hobbies are uncool, guess what! It wasn't going to work between you anyway because you've got fundamentally different ideas about what's cool and what not and at that point cut your losses and find a way to politely end the date.