Where the hell do you find the confidence?

imnoherox · 2018-12-04T05:18:30+00:00

remember death. youll be dead one day and none of this will mean a thing. so why not approach the cute girl. going up to her and stuttering and being nervous as hell is living, walking by not approaching and imagining all the possible negative experiences isn't. when your'e 90 years old will you be regretting not taking action or will you be proud that you had the courage to try for happiness even if it didnt work out.

roxxe · 2018-12-04T03:10:24+00:00

I just remember that I’m the shit.

Kenic_In_MD · 2018-12-04T02:46:38+00:00

There is no opportunity without risk, a smile and a "hey there" works wonders

morpheus34 · 2018-12-04T02:49:28+00:00

I recommend forcing yourself to approach within 3 seconds of realizing you want to meet this girl. It gets easier once you've forced yourself a few times.

SmoothPrimal · 2018-12-04T06:00:08+00:00

Its comes from hard work. Confidence comes from assurance of success.

Most people are confident because they know they will succeed. In order to get confidence you will need to have some degree of success.

One thing I do is I put myself at an advantage. You go to a place rich with single women. Then you practice your material. I know some people are against this but you need some structure. Don’t memorize but remember a converstion structure that you see works and keep refining it. This will also give you confidence.

If you fail, at least you learn something and you change your strategy. You record this in your structure. Tomorrow becomes a new day and what you learned from you mistake will give you confidence.

At some point this will feel natural and you won’t need confidence. This is usually when people make progress. The structure helps refine your natural conversatio flow, your past mistakes tell you what not to do, and your experience makes you a stronger person ready to walk away or be rejected at any moment. Then the success happens and you don’t even realize that you are having dates every few weeks, get laid every few months and have girls confessing their love for you.

You wouldn’t have gotten here if all you did was feel bad for yourself and do nothing and learn nothing.

Confidence comes from success. Success requires hard work. Thus to get confidence you will need to work hard.

GO_Zark · 2018-12-04T06:20:38+00:00

How do you find the confidence?

You put yourself in situations where you have the opportunity to do something different - no matter how small. When I started, it was asking people for directions to places that I already knew perfectly well just to convince myself they weren't going to bite me.

You do things that scare you. You go to the gym and ask the trainer for help with a machine, you wave at people you don't know, you ask the guy at the liquor store counter for a 10% discount on your order (Happy Holidays right back at ya!).

Sometimes making the choice to do these things is hard. Like JFK said when talking about landing men on the moon, we do these things not because they are easy, but because they are hard. Putting yourself in a bunch of different situations that you're unfamiliar with is the key to personal growth.

Confidence is not a trait like height or eye color, it's a skill that can be learned and improved.

Where do you find the confidence? You don't find confidence. You grow it like a plant. You give it the soil it needs to put down roots, you make sure it's got time in the sun and in the rain, and occasionally you prune segments that aren't working out so well.

After a time, you'll find that what started as a little seed of confidence has turned into a small, but sturdy tree or perhaps a vine that's furiously grown up the side of a mountain in search of more light, more rain, and more soil.

Where do you start? That's up to you. A lot of us recommend things like "Go take a class in something that you're interested in" because you'll meet people as a consequence of doing something that you're interested in and you'll be less inclined to quit.

For you, I'd recommend a more direct approach. Go put yourself out there. Have conversations with strangers who are paid to be nice to you: baristas, bartenders, servers, retail employees, flight attendants, tour guides, etc.

There's a host of resources listed and linked here on /r/seduction that'll help you go from basic conversation to breaking through the professional persona into the real person and you'll make a lot of friends with some pretty awesome people in the process.

The one thing you must do, whether you take my suggestion or you go the "take a class" route, is start. Today. Expend some effort to grow your confidence and put yourself on the track to picking up cute girls at the mall (and beyond)

Schroef · 2018-12-04T06:45:48+00:00

Well, why WOULDN’T you have the confidence?

I know this sounds a bit lame, but try to actually answer the question: why didn’t you say hi? And why are you bothered by this?

9 times out of 10 it has something to do with fear: fear of rejection, fear of being awkward, fear of looking stupid— and that all boils down to ‘fear of what other people might think of you’. And when you realize that, you might realize that that is a pretty feeble reason to not do things.

Because, who cares what other people think? Sure, you want your mom to love you and your dad to be proud, but they’re not here. And if you think about it, even IF they were there, they’d like you to succeed in life, to be happy. They might judge you (dads do that) or worry too much (moms do that) but that’s just THEIR insecurities talking. In the end, they just want to see you do well.

In a situation like this, there’s only you and that girl in that moment. 5 minutes later, it’s gone and everybody will have forgotten about it. Even if you publicly embarrass yourself (for which the chances are VERY slim), in a few days nobody will remember it. It’s just you in that fleeting moment in time.

And remember, failure is not the opposite of success, it’s part of it.

UnfairCorner · 2018-12-04T02:47:14+00:00

Try to catch her eyes, then say Hi. "I saw you walking you walking by but I had to holler at you" "Babygirl I want to feel the motion in your ocean. See where I am getting at"?

upcomingboitoman · 2018-12-04T06:32:27+00:00

Something that has helped me is learning new skills. When you learn new things you see that's your pretty much capable of anything and see your value grow. Confidence becomes a symptom of learning and improving. Go learn how to juggle or some random skill that you have interest.

Nautica51o · 2018-12-04T08:42:32+00:00

I'd say I get my confidence from a high sense of entitlement. If I see a cute girl I feel entitled to approaching her because my mindset is something like "I'm a cool guy and I deserve to be with women that I find attractive". If they're not interested it's their loss. I don't have to tell them that or convince them of anything, I've learned to keep it simple because attraction is not negotiated. There are plenty of things you can do to become more attractive but as a general rule of thumb, it still comes down to if she's actually interested or not. If she's interested then give her the opportunity to pursue you, let her do the chasing. This gives you the control and power to establish a setting/relationship where you only permit what you want to happen. If she does anything I disapprove of I withdraw my attention/contact until she submits and apologizes or I'll continue to avoid her. I do not condone misbehavior. Another thing I think that goes a step deeper into developing that sense of entitlement is working on yourself and being on your purpose (whatever that may be, if you've found it). I noticed that the more I focused on myself the better my overall life became. I've been making music for about 3 years now and I went from being complete shit to making music that bangs. Knowing that I've worked hard as shit (and continue to) is the reason why I could never not let some little bratty shit walk all over me because I know my worth. Fuck I'm not even rich or famous but I know down to my core that my work ethic, my mentality, and my investment in myself is the reason why sooner or later I'll get there. This is what gives me my confidence and it doesn't really matter what anyone else thinks because this is something I know, not something I think. Only you know your true potential and it's a matter of being able to realize it to turn it into a reality. If you found any of what I said to be too vague or what not then the only thing I hope you take away from this comment is to begin focusing on yourself and the easiest way to do that is to start eating right and hitting the gym. This is my best advice to building real confidence as it'll begin opening up doors of who you can create yourself into, who you actually want to be and it will continue to build stronger and stronger mindsets.

TokenBlkGuy92 · 2018-12-04T09:07:53+00:00

Bruh i feel your pain. I let so many great opportunities pass me by it’s sickening.

Phazon2000 · 2018-12-04T11:23:32+00:00

Confidence.

By having my life reasonably together so that I can respect myself and, in turn, respect someone who is interested in me.

I'm not afraid and have nothing to hide from anyone on a date or at a bar anymore because I work full time, have three strong hobbies (music, gaming and hiking/climbing). I drive, have a place to live - it's tidy. I'm clean and dress appropriately.

I know this and no longer consider myself below anyone else like I may have when I was in highschool and wasn't doing afterschool clubs or working (much).

Notice there's not much on physical attractiveness/looks? In my case I don't need it for confidence. I'm able to happily talk to girls I find attractive without locking up and feeling out of my depth. Don't get me wrong I can scrub up well and don't look out of place in a photo but having your shit together is much more valuable than vanity. If face value is your jam you can go that route as well - it obviously works for a lot of people.

ajthitman · 2018-12-04T06:23:16+00:00

If it helps, get a group of your friends, and basically use peer pressure to motivate you. That’s what I did, and actually found out it’s not that bad at all.

zhantoo · 2018-12-04T06:55:31+00:00

There are no tricks. It's all about the balls. You gotta grap them and do.

FINDTHESUN · 2018-12-04T07:56:52+00:00

Uh, this is just part of life , it happens all the time. The confidence comes from shutting your mind off before the negative timid self talk kicks in. Confidence comes from being courageous again and again and solidifying this habit of courage. And courage comes from realising that you are truly free and can always push through all obstacles. Bravery and courage is feeling the fear but doing it anyway. Brave people still feel fear, but they push through no matter what, because they recognise their ultimate power and freedom, which we all have/are in this Universe :) Whenever you feel doubt say to yourself I CAN I WILL I DARE I DO.

Takumo-N · 2018-12-04T08:02:39+00:00

Inside a bottle of whiskey, baby.

Paltenburg · 2018-12-04T08:17:36+00:00

Isn't there a local seduction/pua-group forum in your city? If you're with more, you can entice each other.

Also I like to practice these sort of things where they're more normal, like on a festival. Then you get into the spirit of it, and maybe try it on a lot of other occasions.

what-diddy-what-what · 2018-12-04T08:23:01+00:00

You took action by writing this post. You took the time to complain about your inaction at the mall instead of taking the time to say hi to the cute girl. Confidence comes from knowing your self worth. If you look in the mirror and don't know what you have to offer then you need to develop yourself and improve yourself until you can point to specific things that make you a worthwhile and desirable person. Once you know what those things are, natural confidence will follow.

xxsimplyjosh · 2018-12-04T09:04:42+00:00

Confidence is not an overnight thing you gotta practice and cop the rejects till the point where you’re numb to it (and improve on every interaction and learn)

Better to fail a bit and learn and get better than to not try and remain neutral or moving backwards... #actiontaker

CptnTightPants · 2018-12-04T10:49:40+00:00

People form their opinions of you within the first ten seconds of meeting you. All you can do is do your damn best to make sure that ten seconds is the best you've got, BEFOREHAND. Other than that, you need to be yourself. If this is a person you're going to be spending time with, why would be putting on a facade to try and impress them for it to fall away later?

TLDR: Get to a point where you look at yourself in the mirror and you're happy, and then be yourself. The rest will follow suit. Everyone loves somebody that's comfortable in their own skin.

Alex_O7 · 2018-12-04T11:23:23+00:00

You have only to think one thing. "If i don't do nothing she will go out of my life for ever. If i do something i could prevent this!"

It is only the reward mechanism that you have to trigger in your mind. And i don't say thst it is an easy thing to do, but realize that it's all that.

Another important thing that pua don't say is that not every girl is aviable (the vast majority will reject you). So don't worry, you can't wait the perfect moment, just make a move when you are comfortable ;)

Colencence · 2018-12-04T12:26:13+00:00

Lol frustration will help you in the future. Just always remember that day you walked passed her. Someday you will will yourself to take action.

Crixusgannicus · 2018-12-04T12:55:38+00:00

SOMEBODY has/is/is going to fuck her. Most of the time the only way that's going to be you is by YOUR TAKING POSITIVE ACTION.

omdellbeckhamjr · 2018-12-04T12:58:47+00:00

i feel like if any stranger stopped me and complimented me i’d think they were a freak and a weirdo.

1z1z2x2x3c3c4v4v · 2018-12-04T13:19:03+00:00

You need to practice, thats all. And you are in the right place...

In the mall, go into every store, and start by just saying "hi" to every cashier, clerk, waitress and hostess you can find.

Seriously, go into every store, and say hi to every one. You need to retrain your brain that its OK to say hi to girls. All girls.

Do this 100 times, or until you have no fear or hesitation in saying hi to girls.

Do it 1000 times if you need to, but you need to get over the fear. And this exercise is the best way, since saying "hi" to a girl in retail is no risk. None. You are not asking them out, or asking them for anything. You are just saying hi.

You retrain your brain that its OK to say hi to girls, and some will respond back, some will not. Its all OK.

Once you master saying hi to every girl you meet, then you add onto that success. You then say "hey, you look busy today... hey, you look bored today... hey, you look way to happy for 8am...." In the end, it doesn't mattter too much what you say, just the fact that you say something.

This will also retrain your brain that its OK to say hi and say something else to every girl you meet. Most girls will ignore you, some will engage you, a few may even want to talk back to you.... This is all good. See, you are retraining you brain that rejection is OK, that some will engage you back, and a few will even reply back.

Do this 100 times until you have no fear.

Once you are super comfortable saying hi, and saying something else, now you are ready for the compliment opener. Observe something unique about her, something she is holding, wearing, or doing, comment on it and compliment it. Thats all. Like this: "hey, I love your hair color.... hey, I like how your sneakers match your belt...." "Hey, I love your fucking shirt, purple is my favorite color... But that is all you say. At this point, you need to make sure you are making solid eye contact, and a simple smile or smirk. After your opener, you smile and tell her you need to go and to have a great fucking day...

Later, when you are comfortable that just saying hi, and then saying a comment is OK, then, you are ready to engage.

If she answers you, listen to what she says. Then ask a question about her reply. Most people like to talk about themselves, so this works real well. So you say hi, you comment, or compliment, then ask a question...

"Hey... I love your leather jacket, where did you get it..."

Here is a simple video from some lady in London doing the fly-by compliments, you can use some of her examples too: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R-XgoSdlutw

Alpha M is also a great resource for everything, including compliments: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y9LdBj62j-c

Tripp has a ton of good videos, especially this one: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r80FLHTbiEA

After watching these videos, you see the common theme: Make eye contact, smile, observe something interesting about the other person, comment or compliment... its easy!

Trust me, you do this to every girl you meet, cute, ugly, thin, fat, young, old... Do it enough times and it will become a habit, so that when you see the girl you are really into, just the approach, the eye contact, the smile, the compliment opener, will just come out easily.

In doing all this, you also build self confidence. It just takes practice my friend.

Let me know if you need some more tips to get started.

ls737100 · 2018-12-04T13:43:44+00:00

The main thing you need to do is approach and realize nothing bad happens. The more you do it, the easier it gets. But, you will always be a bit nervous. I've been doing bootcamps frequently and I still get nervous, over time it just becomes more natural. Force yourself to do it, you'll most likely get a positive result. Won"t necessarily be a number or a date but will likely be a nice conversation.

BonvivantNamedDom · 2018-12-04T13:45:03+00:00

Think nike.

dodged_that_one · 2018-12-04T14:08:32+00:00

Your level of confidence seems to be something that has a basic level and then is modified by your mood and things like your perception of outcomes. People tend to increase their basic level by going to the gym and improving themselves and improve their mood by wearing nice clothes. However, from reading this sub, many many people try to change their perception of outcomes, either pretending to themselves that rejection is not a possibility, keeping thing utterly short-termist and not considering it, or training themselves not to care about rejection so it doesn't reduce their level of confidence (much).

sohazey · 2018-12-04T14:30:18+00:00

Fuckin yolo bro.

FunGhoul4 · 2018-12-04T14:31:44+00:00

Pull it out of my ass

recyclablebanthas · 2018-12-04T15:04:42+00:00

Today, I was walking into the mall and saw a cute girl by herself and just let her walk right by me.

The problem here is not only having the balls to walk up to her.

The larger problem usually facing guys is that they immediately react to an attractive girl in the area by:

Immediately going into their heads, trying to figure out the right thing to say, or do.
Implicit in this, is the idea that the guy is also pretty much building the girl up to be this unreal person that they are not.

When you're in your head, it leads to:

Not paying attention like you need to be doing, because you're diverting mental resources away from being plugged into the moment.
And when you're building up a girl you don't even know, you are turning a potential casual and playful encounter into something grave and full of fake, unjustified significance. You don't know this girl, really. She might be lame as fuck, but you're acting as if she gets a pass before she's proven herself, even though you apparently don't?

ntipz011 · 2018-12-04T05:57:37+00:00

You find the confidence by doing it and surviving.

It's that easy. The first few times you'll suck.

The first few times your brain will be so stressed by the simple fact you're talking to a cute stranger that you'll not be able to do game. After a few times you'll be less stressed and able to do it properly.

I really feel like those who say cold approach is impossible didn't even try it seriously.

Serg885 · 2018-12-04T09:07:51+00:00

Confidence comes from inside. Realize that women want you to talk to them. Besides that, conditioning is king for anything in life. Condition yourself to walk up to strangers and it will become a habit. Create a habit and you create your destiny.

StillTalknShit · 2018-12-04T05:12:10+00:00

OP the key is to wait until a woman gives you the “ok” for approach.. For example if you catch a chick looking at you and she smiles that’s the “it’s ok you can approach me vibe” However if you notice a chick and she walks passed you without a smile, a head turn or a hello then shes not interested. It’s better to approach a woman noticing you first because if you cold approach her without her looking your way then she’ll reject you or she maybe nice and give you her number so she can ghost you .. don’t do that to yourself op ..

Title	Where the hell do you find the confidence?
Author	petragz_86
Upvotes	150
Comments	75
Date	December 4, 2018 2:14 AM UTC (7 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/a2w076/where_the_hell_do_you_find_the_confidence/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/where-the-hell-do-you-find-the-confidence.1457951 https://theredarchive.com/post/1457951

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