When do the dreams stop?

Subtle-Catastrophe · 2024-05-26T00:57:10+00:00

The one I had last night is so on point, I couldn't not post a reply to this thread.

I've been separated since June, 2023 (It's almost the end of May, 2024, when I'm posting this). It's been a real knock-down, drag-out, terrible, ugly divorce. Two decades married, two minor children. BUT: I've moved on in every concrete way. In fact, I started that process well before I filed on her. I'm pretty happy and comfortable overall!

Last night, I dreamt I woke up in bed with the STBXW, but her lawyer was sitting at the end of our bed. It was a wild dream. As much as I pat myself on the back, I'm still a little bit jittered over this one. I have neither seen nor talked to her in months. The fact she'd still insert herself into my dreamscape from time to time is both concerning, and disgusting.

Fit-Albatross4812 · 2024-04-17T22:43:01+00:00

It will get better.

p71interceptor · 2024-04-17T15:53:32+00:00

Not sure friend. I was with her for 13 years. Married 6. The dreams are less often now but when they do happen they are jarring. They are so vivid and its usually us being physical. They've become less frequent. I don't know what triggers them. I have two little girls with her and I'm thankful when I do have those dreams and they are there because I realize not all is lost. When they are not there it does take a while to go back to sleep. Sometimes I can't and if I'm lucky enough to be close to waking hour I just start my day earlier and workout, walk or make breakfast.

Hang in there friend.

bk2747 · 2024-04-16T18:20:16+00:00

Together for 12 and only married for 1, smh. The marriage ruined the relationship. It’s just a simple fact of love, she’ll be in and out of your dreams even after you move on, just don’t overthink it.

Remember, a divorce is the death of a family, just as you may see dead loved ones in your dreams, you’ll see your ex wife from time to time.

I, 7 months post divorce, dream of my ex wife (Together 13 Married 6) probably twice a week. I know I still love her, but I hate her for what she did and I will never forgive her. I understand why she’s there and I don’t overthink it.

capnjackstation · 2024-04-16T10:54:16+00:00

I used to have the dreams nightly and it would take me 1-2 hours to go back to sleep. I’m 2.75 years out and am happy to say that I only get them occasionally now. Once every few months. Eventually it will be years and then never. Make sure to keep going to therapy and it might speed things up a bit.

drwormitis · 2024-04-16T05:00:47+00:00

They do eventually SLOW. I don't know yet if they completely go away. I was insanely in love with my ex as well. I STILL love her, and I STILL care and think about her a LOT. We were married exactly 2 years. The divorce papers were served to me exactly ONE DAY after our 2nd anniversary. Talk about a BIG middle finger. She just gave up. It wrecked me, too. All I can afford is to rent a ROOM in a house with 3 other guys. When I get those damn dreams, it's always about reconciliation and kissing and making love. When I wake up from those and look around at an empty room, I cry sometimes. Yes, it rips my heart right out of my chest, too. My point is, those dreams will probably haunt you until you can finally let go of her. I'm not quite at that point yet, but it's getting better slowly, and the dreams are not as frequent.

Is0prene · 2024-04-16T00:54:51+00:00

I have dreams occasionally (like maybe 3-4 times a year), but never that we were happy. They are all terrible memories or variations of impossible situations I was put in. I have yet to have a happy memory pop up in a dream. But my whole marriage was a bad experience in general. Got married way too young and stuck around way too long.

awaythrow-8675309 · 2024-04-15T22:25:20+00:00

I have nothing to offer you except I was with her the same exact amount of time (together 12 married 1) and I have had little to no dreams about her. When I was at rock bottom I couldn't sleep, but those days are thankfully long gone. Its been 7 months and I think of her a lot, but I never have dreams about her. The one I had was weird because it was her in my dream but the woman looked completely different.

rhett342 · 2024-04-15T21:40:40+00:00

Prazosin, my friend. Talk to your doctor and get s prescription for it. Speaking as someone who would wake up in the night screaming, thar stuff is a miracle.

roshi-roshi · 2024-04-15T21:02:03+00:00

There is nothing worse than that post-dream malaise.

Emotional_Lettuce251 · 2024-04-15T20:53:48+00:00

Yeah, I'll have dreams in which we're laying in bed ... just joking around and being playful. Not even sexual, just enjoying being next to one another ... then I wake up. Thankfully it doesn't hang over me very long, but there is that brief moment of sadness for what could have been.

Subtle-Catastrophe · 2024-04-15T19:01:35+00:00

I'm not quite divorced yet, but out of the house and separated nine months, having filed at that time, with essentially no contact since. I have those dreams, too. Not as frequently as you do, but they still put me in a melancholy mood on the mornings after I have them. Like you, I don't want her back, either, but the nostalgia remains for what she and I used to be.

LuvDonkeeButts · 2024-04-15T18:41:06+00:00

I actually made a post about this exact thing. I used to have dreams every night. Sometimes it was about us talking about the issues and her considering coming back, other times it was us being together.

My waking hours I still remember the good times. I have mostly good memories. Yes there were times of frustration, sometimes to a large degree. But overall, I don’t believe my marriage was “irretrievably broken”

I don’t have an answer for you tbh. However long it takes. To some degree I expect this to always be there. I’ve been officially divorced for 6 months

Bluerednaz · 2024-04-15T18:18:01+00:00

I think it’s important to try and create new memories and relations with people that share your passion. And these people don’t have to be romantic interests. You have to try and replace those painful memories with new ones. I recognize that’s hard to do, but it’s necessary

LeftySmithy · 2024-04-15T17:52:22+00:00

It's actually the opposite for me.

as much as I wanted reconciliation in the beginning God told me that she is no different and that the door was closed.

I've actually asked God to give me dreams.

Each dream I have just confirms how horrible of a person she still is and how unhappy we would be together.

I changed thanks to God.

She didn't.

As much as you may think you want her back.... It may be the case that getting her back would be even more painful down the road.

At this point I'm grieving more for my children now having to live two different places than actually wanting to get back with her.

If she just would have turned to God and let him change her, but instead she just threw everything away.

Cut your losses and move on bro.

AmbitiousHornet · 2024-04-15T17:51:17+00:00

I've been divorced for so long that I don't even remember the year of the divorce. The XW occasionally slips into my dreams, and in them, she's always nice and wants me back. I know that this theme is suppressed in my subconscious and suppressed well because this is not what I logically want. I just put it down to part of the healing process.

MoveFinancial1991 · 2024-04-15T17:39:23+00:00

Two year blues strike again. I'm 5 years out. My dreams didn't actually stop. I had one with her like a week ago lol. But it's less frequent. Was the first one in 8 months or so.

The good thing about divorce is its front loaded. I'm not naive enough to say that "you'll recover completely "! But you won't miss her more in the future than you do now.

dday_throwaway3 · 2024-04-15T17:05:24+00:00

It stops when you accept that she's one-of-a-million, not one-in-a-million. Soul mates are a myth. You have a scarcity mindset with women, which you need to replace with an abundance mindset. You're acting too much like your ex is central to your life's well being. She isn't.

Here's a simple yet effective method you can implement to stop thinking about her. Wear a rubberband on your wrist. Everytime you think about her, say "STOP" and snap the rubberband. It's aversion therapy that has been used effectively for decades to get people to jettison bad habits. And it won't cost you $3k in therapist fees.

iSurvivedltd · 2024-04-15T16:51:38+00:00

It gets better pal.

I suggest therapy if you are still in this state after 2 years.

Character_Let_3982 · 2024-04-15T17:19:21+00:00

Find a passion, preferably something stable that will always be there. Challenging and generous small gains are a big plus.

I just started playing the guitar at 50. I'm told it's a fool's errand but it has been the best therapy I've found to date.

It might take a while to find something that works. I tried weights, cardio, surfing, meetups, dating, rock climbing, and other stuff.

But anyway, guitar playing worked for me. There's always something new to learn. Small gains are an unbelievable high. Feeling "this is attainable" is indescribable. Practicing drowns out the pain. I love it. It has a somewhat pricey startup cost but then nothing else to buy except strings, tubes every once in a while, and a few bucks a month on KW hours. I started with a $500 MIM strat and a good amp. End game is performing live.

Title	When do the dreams stop?
Author	Better_Echo2275
Upvotes	18
Comments	37
Date	April 15, 2024 4:46 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c4qyti/when_do_the_dreams_stop/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/when-do-the-dreams-stop.1515206 https://theredarchive.com/post/1515206

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