Seeking Advice: How to Handle False Accusations from an Angry Spouse during an outbursts of anger?

feeblelegaleagle · 2024-06-17T22:29:21+00:00

Record w iPhone

Qantourisc · 2024-06-17T22:03:52+00:00

This is abusive ; treat carefully. It might read it's head if the relationship ends.

AlienAmerican1 · 2024-06-17T21:39:48+00:00

This is a "her" problem. She needs some psychological help. She shouldn't be fighting so much.

Nightwynd · 2024-06-17T21:43:39+00:00

Pretty sure that's just straight up emotional abuse. If you want the marriage and relationship to work out, I'd highly recommend couples therapy, because y'all need to learn how to talk and listen to each other again.

If you don't want the marriage/relationship to continue, tread carefully. False accusations have a nasty habit of sticking in the worst way. Start documenting and recording everything and you might have a shot in a courtroom... Maybe.

FWIW I absolutely detest when someone tells me what I'm thinking or feeling. Had an ex do that a fair bit and it's utterly triggering for me now. I don't tolerate it at all.

Good luck with whatever direction you choose. I hope you find some peace and happiness at the end of the path, and have enough time to enjoy it.

hero_killer · 2024-06-17T22:38:01+00:00

I suggest getting a lawyer and video recording all of her emotional threats. Then use that against her on court when you divorce her. Just like how they love to say "I am your wife, not your mother to take care of you", you are definitely not her therapist to try to solve all her mental trauma and emotional baggage.

danishkringle · 2024-06-17T23:04:21+00:00

By heading for the hills, buddy. That is a truly wicked thing for her to do. I’m genuinely not being hyperbolic — I would leave this situation entirely

HeavenBlade117 · 2024-06-17T23:38:48+00:00

You're not married to a spouse at this point you're married to a liability.

Why are you still with this woman exactly? What's gonna happen the day she wakes up and feels like accusing you of domestic or sexual assault for the heck of it out of some stupid argument you had previously?

What's stopping this terrible poor excuse of a woman from slapping herself and going to cry to the neighborhood saying you did it? Because that's where her behavior is leading towards.

If you haven't woke tf up and left already you're digging your grave at 5 to 10 in prison for whatever lie and accusation she'll make up next. Every time you start to see an argument is gonna happen get on your phone and pretend you're texting and leave it on record.

Whatever happens in an argument that escalates is recorded and you have it saved for future reference if not for your defense in a case. If nothing happens no harm done, it didn't cost you anything to be more diligent and aware and have the foresight to get and record evidence if you should need it.

I promise you this issue is not gonna get any better. You have no idea how many guys I've met and counseled from divorce and separations that have hoped things would change or hope that this really isn't their wife or that she changed suddenly, but the truth is she's always been like this. 90% of the cases I've seen have had repeated behaviors of abusive tendencies that most guys thought was new or changes in their spouse when the reality is they just grew so accustomed to being abused they didn't see it as a problem early on so later in the future their tolerance levels would drop, the honeymoon spell would start to weaken and they begin to see their wife or girlfriend more objectively.

So no. I severely doubt this is any new behavior you might be telling yourself it is and no, it's not gonna get better without some hard counseling, a psychiatric evaluation, and some therapy and a willingness to change from your partner. Though considering how so few women even accept accountability for toxic behaviors like this and they're pretty much encouraged within feminist circles... I wouldn't take my chances she'll suddenly become accountable.

eli_ashe · 2024-06-17T22:31:29+00:00

let me know.

been dealing with that intensely the past few weeks and regularly so for the past 26 years with different women.

its not your fault, and you didn't really do anything. this is the most important thing for you to remember.

i don't just mean that you didn't do the things she's accusing you, i mean there is nothing you've done to reasonably justify her believing those things about you. Its a problem with her, not you.

because of this, there isn't technically anything you can actually do about it. there is no behavior on your part that you can do to change her behavior. she has to work on herself because its about her.

idk her and the exact causes differ, but generally these stem either from abuse or an inflated sense of entitlement, or sometimes both.

The latter can sometimes be stemming from other people inflating her sense of entitlement, as in, friends or online material that tells her she ought treat you like that because she deserves to be treated certain ways. but it may also just be who she is, how she grew up, and so forth. could also be something more serious, like a mental disorder of some kind.

The former (abuse) can be a real pain to deal with. understand she isn't responding to things you did, she is responding to past experiences that harmed her in some way or another. when she gets angry, she reverts to those modes of response, rather than dealing with whatever the reality is in front of her. it is very much akin to a learned behavioral response to say, hearing a rustling in the bushes. she responds as if there were some kind of danger, when in fact it is entirely undangerous.

anger, understand, being exactly that sort of response, an emotional response to those sorts of situations.

they can all be dealt with by handling those underpinning problems, all you can really do is try to get her to address them herself though. therapy being the obvious thing.

on a personal level, i've found some degree of protection for myself by understanding that it isn't about anything i am doing, which is why i've stressed that to the OP. there isn't anything you are doing that is causing it. its an irrational response on her part.

Melodic-Dust-1160 · 2024-06-17T23:24:33+00:00

I am so sorry you are experiencing this. I've been there and it is rough. I will say this: consider where your own boundary is for such behaviour and take it very seriously if that line is crossed. For example, if she threatens to call the police on you or God forbid actually does so, that would/should be a no-go and cause to take action to protect yourself. If she calls the cops, it might be too late as you will learn about the Duluth Model and the fact you are presumed guilty based on nothing more than her words. I think recording her to gather evidence in case you need to protect yourself is very smart. I can also guarantee that doing so with her in moments of rage will not go over well. My best to you.

Salamadierha · 2024-06-18T00:41:17+00:00

without escalating the conflict or invalidating her feelings.

Obviously she doesn't give a damn about invalidating your feelings.
Unless she's willing to go to therapy this doesn't look good.

KelVarnsenIII · 2024-06-18T16:11:04+00:00

You need to get Cameras in Every shared room in your house and Garage, out front, out back. You are going to suffer a HUGE loss in anti-family court if you don't have cameras to back you up and protect you. Anytime there's an argument, download the video to a secret cloud account just for you only.

Start putting money aside for a lawyer NOW.

She's setting you up for the day she leaves and she's executing her plan according to her playbook.

Good luck, you're going to need it.

gabriel-kornilov · 2024-06-18T01:56:43+00:00

Run, man. Let's call a spade a spade. What you are living now is textbook abuse, neglect and emotional manipulation. Your wife seems horrible and it won't get better when she'll reach her forties. Lawyer up, now, and save yourself more pain. This is obviously not working. Also protect yourself and record everything all the time. You're up for a bumpy ride with that one.

bocaj78 · 2024-06-18T03:52:42+00:00

There are two problems:

She is saying these sort of things as a result of what is going on in her mind and likely should be speaking treatment
You have the problem of needing to protect yourself. This is best solved by talking to an attorney and a therapist. You need to get proper advice to handle both the legal and psychological aspects

While Reddit may provide decent advice, this is above its pay grade and there is a possibility that you get dogshit advice. Professionals should be consistently better than Reddit

NCC-1701-1 · 2024-06-18T04:08:40+00:00

You are with a cruel manipulator who has a pretty low opinion of you. I know how you feel, that letting her go seems unthinkable. My advice is to carefully craft an escape by starting to study divorce law. There are some things you cannot do once divorce is filed so learn that, for instance I would stash up some cash somehow before. You should plan on avoiding her during that time as that would be a period of highly escalated risk for false accusation and let your attorney know that especially if you have kids. Best if you can move out with a restraining order.

Or you can suck it up and take it. Dont expect her to change.

appleipad9090 · 2024-06-18T04:33:56+00:00

One thing is for sure and thats if she is saying it you when she is angry she is also saying It to others.This is her get out of jail card that she will play if you end up leaving her and the marriage fails. This is how she will save face. She will go straight to the police and say it to them. She is probably saying it to her doctors as well now. Once in the system you will have little chance to defend things. There will be a history of reports. You need to think long and hard how to get out of this situation and minimise the damage this lady will cause and is causing you.

Dustball414CA · 2024-06-18T04:55:44+00:00

Audio/video record, take to an attorney, divorce her - it will never get better. Been there, your best bet is to leave and never look back.

plough78 · 2024-06-18T16:54:43+00:00

Coercive Control, you are being bullied, taken advantage of. You need to go to men’s aid, she could thrown worst false allegations to make you suffer. Watch yourself

Mesterjojo · 2024-06-18T17:37:12+00:00

Divorce.

This will not end. And it will probably get worse as time goes on.

Diylion · 2024-06-18T19:40:05+00:00

I'm a woman.

In this case, you don't need to worry about invalidating her feelings.

"I'm upset that you did this", "I'm feeling ignored" - examples of feelings you shouldn't invalidate.

"You cheated on me", "you want to kill me" -are not feelings (assuming they are not true). These are false accusations. In debate we call this a straw man argument. Your debate opponent will pull up an easier point to debate that you never made "assume your views" and then challenge those assumed views so they can get out of actually addressing your real argument or issue.

Call her out of it and pull her back to the real issue.

"that's not fair or true, I have given you no reason to think that, you're saying that you avoid addressing X"

Cindylynn43 · 2024-06-17T23:09:06+00:00

This is only my opinion, but it sounds like she needs professional help. She isn't able to regulate her emotions, and that is dangerous for you. If you suffer from anxiety & depression this is an especially bad situation for you to be in. Can you calmly discuss things with her after she blows up? Have you tried to explain how this makes you feel? I am really worried about what this relationship is doing to your health. It is absolutely a form of emotional abuse. You are living in an environment where you have to be hyperaware of her moods all the time. Marriage is about give and take. This doesn't sound like it has worked that way for you. I agree with others about documenting these things. Record her yelling, and then if you want to try and seek counseling, you'll have a safe place to show her the behavior that she has exhibited. If she isn't willing to address the problem, you need to start planning an exit strategy. You have to protect yourself, though. Her behavior is very manipulative, and she could try to make false claims against you to the authorities.

Colonel_Khazlik · 2024-06-18T00:10:45+00:00

So errr, I had this with my mother.

When she was pissed, it would just devolve into malice and misdirected anger. The content of her speech wasn't important, just abject fury and lashing out.

And yeah, it got me fucked up too. It's really hard to react at all, let alone react in a way that would help remedy the situation when completely gripped by anxiety, fear and horrendous sadness.

I found two effective ways to deal with the strange bouts of intense malice. I'm not saying they're good solutions, but they are something you can try, rather than sitting there drowning in anxiety.

Comply

Apologies, agree, express understanding and regret. This isn't as false as you might think, after all you understand she's feeling furious, and you don't want her to be... Don't mix this up with actually believing you're at fault. YOU'RE NOT. Merely that If it muzzles the banshee's fury, it's worth it.

Leave

Walk away, not from the marriage, just from the situation. If she stops you or demands something, respond as briefly and emotionally as you can. "I'm too sad, I can't take this, see you tomorrow". You may be married, but your not duty bound to suffer pointlessly, and it is, after all, pointless, if you are seeing the same demon I saw.

So, closing thoughts, my mum was just 'like that', just kinda accepted that my mum was just mad... Until like 20 years later and she has a partial hysterectomy for unrelated reasons, correcting what I believe was a severe hormone imbalance, but, I was all grown up and had escaped around that time.

Good luck, all the best, don't suffer for another twenty years. Move forward, try some shit, if it doesn't work, try some thing else.

You got this.

Cephalon_Gilgamesh · 2024-06-18T01:52:46+00:00

That's clearly abusive behavior man, was she always like this?

pirate694 · 2024-06-18T01:54:37+00:00

That abuse BTW.

You need to start recording everything and saving it in a secure place. Also plan for a divorce and get a lawyer. Accusations like that will bury you if you dont have strong evidence.

In the interim you can try therapy maybe but unless she is open to understanding what she is doing to you is hurting you, it may be a waste of money.

M3KVII · 2024-06-18T02:03:50+00:00

Two things it’s not going to improve or go away with time and she will probably not be amicable to therapy. Given that, your eventually going to adopt the role of care giver or she’s going to deliver on one of her statements. If you can count more than a handful of times she has done this, your already know it’s time to leave. Your just wondering how to do it.

IcyTrapezium · 2024-06-18T02:26:07+00:00

Record. Lawyer up. Divorce.

StormTheWalls · 2024-06-18T05:54:55+00:00

Execute damage control at your current situation. I'd like you to hear some of my ideas.

Preparation:

Figure out what you would prefer it to look like when you have disagreements. Be as detailed as you can and write it into short and concise form. Bring that up when she's calm, perhaps after a nice dinner you treat her to or something. Bring it to her when she's feeling up for it, or as best an opportunity as possible. Make it about romantic etiquette because you want things to get better and prevent things from spiraling any further. Appeal to her feminine side. Revisit your vows. Depending on the woman she is, you'll have to decide what to do next, whether it's to have faith she'll get better or if it's too far gone and you need to brace for the worst. Also take a good look at yourself based on what she says, as I never expect things to go over well when there's signs of resentment that haven't been addressed yet.

Aim for Success:

Do not engage when she's angry, just tell her it's important to remember that catastrophizing is only good at making things worse. Do not stonewall. Reschedule and write things down so that there is no need to worry about forgetting these things. Writing it down also gets her side of things explicitly but only if she's not being immature about it. It's fine for her to be angry. It's not ok for her to have a tantrum and both of you just act like that's how she has to be. She should know better and you should be there to make sure she is learning to self-soothe better. You can think of it like treating unhealed wounds. The goal is to be effective team players.

Pacify and Resolve:

Women generally lean towards high expectations and disappointment while in long-term relationships while most men have to decide on as best a compromise they can. You're best off being careful around upsetting her but don't be afraid to set out to do what is required of you. Be firm and rational. Most women are not built or trained to pull this off, that's why it's necessary. Stress is sometimes unavoidable, but it's what you do that you've trained to do that will pull you through. Public disagreements create more problems than solving anything, and it demonstrates a lack of emotional control. This is akin to a child having a tantrum in public, the obvious thing to do is to pull them aside and make it a private matter without turning it into trauma or resentment. Make concessions and be understanding in demonstrating the ability to listen, repeat, and clarify. This is to clear away your confusion, not hers if she has any irrationality or anything. Then consider practicing deep breathing together to rectify the emotional problem. Then consider how things look and where to go from there.

Assess:

I don't expect it to go well but unless the communication work happens and everybody remembers that trust takes work, I wouldn't be surprised if you were heading towards divorce. My understanding is she is losing trust in you, for whatever reason as I'm not able to discern based on what you've written.

I've seen this type of marriage through my parents. It was always due to the fact that nobody could see beyond themselves that things didn't get better, the pain was always personal. My old man lacked the emotional skills to be a leader in such situations to slowly but surely work things out and it was disastrous, to say the least. Things cannot stay the way they are, I highly recommend implementing something that you believe will work and soon.

I'm not saying it should always be the man to lead, but I typically don't expect women to understand how it feels to be on the other side. It's up to whoever is up for the task. I presume that will be you.

Friendly_Might_1348 · 2024-06-18T13:48:34+00:00

That's her way of abusing you. You need to record every single interaction you have with her

OldReaction6834 · 2024-06-19T02:52:08+00:00

https://blackpointsecurity.com

This company sells a bunch of different "bugs" or audio and video recorders. What you are looking for is one that offers "loop recording" so that it overwrites old footage on its own and the ability to leave it charged constantly so that it will always run in the background unattended. I use one that looks like a cross necklace that I use to record women in public when I approach them (now called harassment by ugly women that don't get approached since most men are pussies and chad only approaches hotties).

PseudoRandomMan · 2024-06-21T07:31:33+00:00

I read posts like these and I cannot for the love of God understand how Western men can be so tolerant of such abusive behaviours. You all complain about feminism (rightly so) but the fact you people don't have the balls to separate at the FIRST time such a thing happens frightens me, that's why these women walk all over you. She didn't even cook for you when you were unwell? And you still stayed with her? Sorry, but it's your fault. I don't know how much pain you guys have to endure to see the truth: the government hates you, women can get away with anything and society (men and women) will always be on her side. The only solution I see? Leave your country and start a business in a place that doesn't treat you like a criminal by default. Every Western man should do this. Why do you pay taxes to governments that hate you?

ThomassPaine · 2024-06-22T16:10:52+00:00

Ask: "what do you mean?"

Then watch out for the demons. Maintain safe distance and have an exit strategy just to be safe. Remember, women are people too and they can become violent...most likely blaming their violence on you.

Edit: You don't want to be in a position where you have to defend yourself since that can be misconstrued as domestic violence on your (the man's part). Better safe than sorry.

WannabeLeagueBowler · 2024-06-18T03:03:55+00:00

Dig up some dirt on her in preparation for the divorce.

Working-Librarian-39 · 2024-06-18T06:53:57+00:00

I'd back out of thos marriage, carefully. Not divorce, per say. But you need to protect yourself by moving out and then demand she seeks therapy before you risk being in her company.

Yepitsme2020 · 2024-06-18T11:32:59+00:00

There is one and only one way to handle a situation like this.... Get out!

Whether you want to believe it or not, at some point she will likely escalate and follow through. Speaking from experience, in that my ex behaved exactly as you described. Everything started out great and wonderful, but after years, the abuse began to kick off. But when she wasn't angry, everything was great.

Things snowballed and she went from just yelling to making the exact accusations you described. As time progressed, so too did the accusations. Though it was shocking and painful to hear, I rationalized at the time that these comments and claims were just her way of releasing stress.

But I'm here to tell you it doesn't get better, it gets worse far more often than not. Especially if she's seeking a reaction from you, or wants to see her words hurt you. As you grow more accustomed to it, and engage her less, most likely she will escalate and her words will grow more harsh, more extreme.

It's also not out of the question that she will become physical at some point. Again, I was one of those men who swore up and down my wife (Ex) would never in a million years "hurt a fly" - But I was wrong. Eventually, after 9 years of marriage she did indeed hit me for the first time, and she followed that up with trying to hit me with dangerous objects. Again, this is someone who I had thought of as incapable of violence.

The other red flag is you mentioned she will make these accusations in public. That my friend is her way of warning you to give in "or else". She's showing you that she has no qualms about saying things that could damage/harm you, your reputation, even your freedom in public. That's not something to take lightly.

I hate to keep going back to it, but my ex did the same to me as well, and eventually she did indeed use it as a weapon and a threat. You may feel like you love this woman as you have 8 years history with her, but let me tell you, I was in my situation for 10 years, and I'm embarrassed to admit that I kept making excuses and let things spiral out of control simply because I figured I could just "man up" and take it like a good husband...

It took seeing her stand no more than 2 feet in front of me with her mobile dialing 911 with a big smile on her face slowly, almost gleefully telling me that all she had to do was dial 1 one more time and the cops would be on the way. She then treated me to a demonstration of how easily she could fake cry and with her face in her hands tell the officers that I was hitting her and that she was in fear of her life, and I'd be locked up.

Years of verbal abuse, being trashed verbally, name dragged through the mud as revenge for not getting her way, even the physical attacks when she was drinking, and THIS is what it took for me to realize how sadistic she had become and how there was nothing left in this marriage for me.

Here was this person I thought loved me SMILING at the thought of using our legal system as a weapon against me to get her own way. Willing to rob me of my freedom and lock me up merely because I had the gall to disagree and say "no" to her.

I share this to show how far things can go, and that the verbal abuse is often only the tip of the iceberg. You may have 8 years together with her and think you know what she's capable of, but again, this sort of abuse is often degenerative, it continues to snowball downhill. Mine certainly did. If you'd told me 6 - 7 years into my relationship that it'd have ended the way it did I'd have argued with you, or laughed it off as impossible.

Please protect yourself and depending on your state, you'll want to get video/recording of her threats or claims and brainstorm other ways to protect yourself. Don't take it lightly as you'll be shocked at how quickly things can degenerate and then wish you'd been proactive about securing evidence to prove your side.

Hopefully what I've described will not happen to you. But just showing the turn things can take has hopefully given you some motivation to protect yourself with evidence, and remove yourself from that situation. I was dumb, procrastinated, and paid a hefty price with over 2 years and 6 figures spent on defending myself and divorce. Best of luck to you my friend, and I hope you find peace.

fake_naim · 2024-06-18T11:38:23+00:00

After the fire is out, when you ask her what she means when she says these things and where do these thoughts come from, what does she say?

trhaynes · 2024-06-18T19:22:56+00:00

Have you tried talking to her during a calm time and expressing how bad this is for you, and asking her to stop doing it?

EfficientSimplicity · 2024-06-19T06:41:42+00:00

You have Stockholm Syndrome right now.

Think of yourself before you met your wife. Would you sign up to be with someone who treats you like the way you’re being treated now?

“These false accusations only come up in the heat of the moment”

You are defending a woman who is abusing you. This same crazy woman can call the cops on you and make the same accusations to them and throw you in jail.

I know your friend in your exact situation (he has anxiety when his wife yells at him, he told her that, etc). SHE KNOWS. That’s why she does it. She doesn’t respect you. She knows how to get under your skin. And she’s testing you because she doesn’t respect you.

SpiritOk8557 · 2025-03-24T22:21:18+00:00

Phil Hartman

Spirited-Commission5 · 2025-05-21T17:07:37+00:00

I go thru this with my spouse and he goes to really horrible extreme of punishing me I'm so exhausted I'm just stuck and hopeless at this point

DoctorUnderhill97 · 2024-06-17T21:55:40+00:00

Guy, why are you asking the goons on this sub? Go get some professional help. Some marriage counseling, or maybe a lawyer.

Title	Seeking Advice: How to Handle False Accusations from an Angry Spouse during an outbursts of anger?
Author	tesla1986
Upvotes	94
Comments	83
Date	June 17, 2024 9:29 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MensRights
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/MensRights/comments/1di9kco/seeking_advice_how_to_handle_false_accusations/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MensRights/seeking-advice-how-to-handle-false-accusations.1521872 https://theredarchive.com/post/1521872

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