A cry for help

fix-the-man · 2024-08-09T23:31:57+00:00

Tell her this crescendo is making your D flat.

LizardKing1975 · 2024-08-09T23:42:28+00:00

You’re way in her frame. You don’t have to be. You’ve done nothing wrong. She’s lashing out because she feels her control starting to slip. It’s a test, but passing it may not result in her coming around. Many don’t. All the more reason to not give a shit what she thinks. She’s the one behaving like a child. Keep your shit together no matter how far she pushes you. She will use your reaction against you. Be prepared to be called abusive- mentally, physically, sexually. She will share this with other people. Don’t entertain this nonsense. It’s a common tactic and probably has already started. She’s setting herself up for sympathy and for you to be the bad guy. STFU. She will twist your words to mean whatever she wants. Document your conversations/arguments. Record them if you can. Be the best dad you can be. Document that as well. Stay positive as best you can, especially with the kids. She wants you miserable, don’t give that to her. Let her spiral on her own while you work on yourself and stay close to your kids. Stay plan is the go plan. If you think it’s time, contact a lawyer. I would get my affairs in order regardless

TheNattyJew · 2024-08-09T23:02:09+00:00

I could be wrong but my impression is that MRP assumes that the husband and wife are basically functional, just not all that close, are somewhat antagonistic towards each other and def not fucking very much, that the wife low key disrespects the husband and he wants to turn the situation around. MRP assumes a certain level of functionality in the marriage.

Your situation sounds like it is more dire than what I just described. Your wife sounds pretty far gone. It seems like you need to be worried about protecting yourself from false accusations and getting your ducks in a row with a divorce lawyer rather than trying to get your wife to respect you. Yes you should STFU and use assertiveness techniques, but I have my doubts that the MRP toolbox has much in it that could turn your situation around.

I would also question whether she is cheating. The kind of abuse you are taking is beyond the usual reaction to beta behavior. She's is working really hard to get some reaction out of you, possibly to get you to want to divorce her, so that she doesn't have to be the bad guy and can move onto her boyfriend with a clean conscience.

DuneThings · 2024-08-10T01:28:51+00:00

Do yourself a lifelong favor, stop being afraid of other peoples’ emotions. It’s paramount to having frame, not operating in hers, and ultimately results in an honest expression of your life lived the way you’d like to live it.

deerstfu · 2024-08-10T01:24:52+00:00

I'm just here to say this doesn't sound like much. Take a deep breath and don't lose your cool. Work on your MAP. Focus on a vision of how you think life should be, what should get done, be proactive and stop doing things as a reaction to your wife.

Eg Need time for piano? Make sure shit is covered. If she can't watch the baby you can get a sitter. Wife doesn't need to be involved.

You're still unattractive, this is just a big string of shit tests. Go back to treating them as such. They're extra shitty since you have a 6 month old. u/Lizardking1975 broke it down best of the comments so far. Ignore the others catastrophizing this shit.

Remington-Holmes · 2024-08-10T08:15:15+00:00

You're deep in her frame. You value her opinion of your character above your own. It seems that in doing so, you are allowing her to play you like a fiddle. She cannot actually touch that metaphorical fiddle, you're actually doing it to yourself because you live in her frame.

If you had already built a strong frame, anything she said would be entirely impotent. They would be the words of a silly girl, you might consider it to be funny or irrelevant, or perhaps nonsense words from someone tired, hungry, stressed, on a period, etc.

Taking nonsense seriously is like a powerful dark magic. You can turn nonsense into reality. Your wife can see that you take the nonsense seriously without you even having to speak. She can see that she dominates you, you show your fear and weakness. In doing so, you create a vicious circle. When she expresses her own fears and anxieties, your responses demonstrate that you are not in control of yourself and your family. Not only that, you send the message that her fears terrify you. You are validating and multiplying her fears and anxieties.

Similarly, your lack of frame communicates that she is the dominant, and that you are incompetent and unworthy of respect. Women will not desire a man that they cannot respect (in some manner). This also creates a vicious circle for your mental/aocial status attractiveness in her eyes.

Building your frame and self-confidence starts with NMMNG and WISNIFG. Book of Pook is a fun read and describes a happy, fun and sexual world wereby the male has frame. Nonsense spoken by a woman is silly or funny nonsense. With frame, you need not even respond because you operate by your own system of values and judgement. When the woman speaks nonsense and it doesn't change your behaviour, scare or anger you, it communicates that you are confident, strong, resourceful and dominant.

Ideally, in time your behaviours will sub-communicate that you don't even need the woman for sex, so that she cannot upset, manipulate or blackmail you through the withdrawal (or threat of withdrawal) of sex.

As a simple example of what I have explained above, it sounds as though you are ashamed that the wife found you using porn. It sounds like a tiny example of something where your weakness (lack of frame) is likely being used by the wife to hurt dominate and manipulate you. Own your shit, man! Own the act. Is it really something that is so terrible? Do you deserve to live a life of misery for that? Do you need to Defend, Excuse, Explain and Rationalise your behaviour TO YOUR DOMINANT? Perhaps you would be better off if you were to Deflect, Amusedly agree and amplify, Repeat and Exit to demonstrate that YOU ARE THE DOMINANT? Search for (Always DARE, never DEER).

By demonstrating that you're ashamed of using porn, you validate any anxieties that the wife has. You signal that it's a serious problem that you cannot control and that you're weak and cannot be trusted. It will disgust her and validate the disgust. Your validation and shame will also communicate that you don't have options (or are too weak to take up options) to bang other women if the wife cuts you off from sex. That is extremely unattractive to women.

FWIW, when my own wife was still being frigid, and I had been trying unsuccessfully reset the sexual relationship, I was feeling horny one night and was herking one off in bed. The wife woke and asked what I was doing. She made some judgment over what I was doing, to which I paid zero credence, thus demonstrating zero fucks and nit validating her opinion. She the asked politely that I leave the bedroom to do it elsewhere, to which I declined with a short and polite refusal, just stating that it was the marital bed. End of conversation. That's not exactly high level mastery of putting MRP materials into practice, but many of us start as complete Muppets and that's the place from whence we must improve.

I always owned my shit financially, and around the home, so my main weaknesses were a need to build some muscle, lose a little fat, prioritise my own interests, take the wife off a pedestal, stop needing external validation and to stop needing the wife for sex (eliminate covert contracts, etc.). I also struggled with the covert contract for having sex with the wife. Eventually, I lost hope that she would become sexual, and announced that I intended to open my side of the marriage. There was zero bargaining, apologies, request, emotion or DEERing. Some time later, the wife concluded that I had been sleeping with another woman and got upset. Honestly, I was surprised that she had any fucks to give about my sexlife because she had shown zero interest for ages. By that time, my wife goggles had been ripped off, and I could no longer be manipulated by tears, anger, shaming, playing wounded, etc. She cried and cried, and mentioned divorce. I spoke almost no words, except when she mentioned divorce, where I responded cheerfully from my frame that "It's not necessary". A total lack of sexual activity had been my problem and that had been the wife's frame and she had been happy with that situation. She learned that I was ready willing and capable of dealing with my own desires without her and that I no longer needed her for that but I was fine with family life continuing as before. She had nothing more to say because her bluff had been called and I had frame. Build your frame, evaluate and manage your risks, and become outcome independent.

wmp_v2 · 2024-08-10T12:40:05+00:00

dark secrets (I was caught with porn in the past)

for some reason i find this hilarious.

but i also find it hilarious how little respect your wife has for you and how scared you are of her, so idk.

late 40s with a 6 month old. how old is your wife and are you sure the baby is yours?

shogun2971 · 2024-08-09T22:20:08+00:00

Document all the details of this abuse/bad behaviour.

Talk to a divorce lawyer and slam the papers on the table in front of wife.

She sounds like a piece of work. Maybe you were beta in the past and it’s too late to undo it.

Also. Porn isn’t a dark secret, big deal you were caught masturbating to porn. Isn’t like you were out cheating. And the fact your wife is using that as a weapon against you by telling your daughter is fucked up.

I tried the red pill in my last (and only) marriage. But once a wife is so conditioned to a blue pill husband, it’s so hard for change her thought process.

So my advice is push the nuclear button and see what her reaction is.

But by the sounds of it you would be better off without her.

Praexology · 2024-08-10T17:02:40+00:00

She threatened that I would have to take the baby to the class (ridiculous)

Not ridiculous. Treat this situation as if you were divorced. If you wanted to take those classes and were a single father what would you do? Either find a sitter, or bring the kid, or don't take the class.

Your wife is displaying she doesn't have any interest in helping you for this, don't piss and moan about it.

She's calling me strong names, cussing, asking if I am gay . . .

Well, I mean you did ask for permission to take a piano class. So she may have a point.

threatening to tell our daughter about my supposed dark secrets (I was caught with porn in the past)

Weird - also, just stop being a pussy about it. Are you trying to put on a facade of being sexually pure or something?

But when she left me locked outside I went absolutely ballistic, and rightfully so.

Not "rightfully so". The enmity between you (which is your fault to begin with) is causing these downstream problems. Address the issues and move on.

This is abuse.

Oh. Yes. Your wife was right.

Leave for a while if she becomes unbearable (remove myself from the situation if I can).

Take the girls with you. Yeah, go for a day trip.

if she calls me names.

It's so funny to me how much of you idiots allow a bitchy woman to say mean things to you and you actually take it to heart.

mrpwtf · 2024-08-10T04:48:28+00:00

Make time to hang out with guys more. She's calling you "strong names" and "cussing"? I can hear you clutch those pearls.

asking if I am gay, yelling at me, threatening to tell our daughter about my supposed dark secrets ... even locking me out of the house for a few minutes.

Clearly she's a bitch, but it's because she has no respect for you.

Don't worry about getting her respect, though. Worry about your self-respect, because you clearly don't have any. When you respect yourself, you'll know how to deal with her.

BigBoiTFB · 2024-08-10T09:46:27+00:00

If this woman is the type of person who doesn't care about the relationship of her daughter with her father, then there is no saving this. Get your papers ready, try set up a trust and then go to the gym.

Ragnardanneskjunior · 2024-08-10T14:08:28+00:00

It is a rare man that can maintain a relationship with a woman like this while building frame. Many have tried and failed and are still riding that beta train to nowhere. Do you acknowledge that this is all your fault?
Do you have the balls to leave for a few days without contact to weigh your options dispassionately?

If a woman did this to me I would laugh in her face as I got ready to go iut and find her replacement the same night.

No-Rough-7390 · 2024-08-11T11:17:16+00:00

Frame. Find some.

WokenJew · 2024-08-12T04:18:57+00:00

when i take a piano class i feel guilty

Independent_Water_60 · 2024-08-09T23:28:59+00:00

Divorce and 50/50 custody so she can finally relax (2 kids vs 3, free every other weekend,...) 😂

CalmEntrepreneur884 · 2024-08-10T21:05:11+00:00

you're failing shit tests too often

dolanthesemicolon · 2024-08-11T18:57:36+00:00

Sounds to me like either your wife is noticing change, knows how weak you are, and then just prods you accordingly to try whip you back in line. Or maybe B, this marriage ain't salvageable. Harsh? Maybe.

Either way, you need to stick with the plan. But... you need to stop implementing a stay plan and actually implement a "go" plan. Yes, the stay plan = the go plan, but most "stay" plans people seem to implement around here are not go plans. Not all stay plans equal a go plan. Implement a plan that means you're ready to walk out the door in X years. If you can't attend a fucking piano lesson without her losing her shit and you babbling like a confused baboon, then you are possibly just implementing a plan that you hope saves the marriage as opposed to one that actually sets you up for the potential demise.of the relationship.

Regarding the piano lesson. Jesus. Any response from setting a boundary to just fucking ignoring it would have done.

STFU and laugh at her immature response to you actually having a hobby.

"But my piano teacher is expecting my Major D to accompany her beautiful A!"

"I'm attending a piano class. Alone. end of conversation"

Fuck her. Metaphorically or Literally, you chose. But for fuck sake grow a pair of balls and stand up to her.

NoHardFeeliings · 2024-08-11T20:47:11+00:00

If your responsibilities are handled and your not doing anything wrong then why tf do you care what she thinks. If she was really your wife she wouldn’t cry about her husband taking fucking piano lessons because he takes care of his shit.

Stock-Doctor8735 · 2024-08-12T02:56:49+00:00

Next minute she will claim you are abusive. You need to protect yourself

Chard-Far · 2024-08-16T05:50:49+00:00

I find your lack of frame disturbing.

Kevlar__Soul · 2024-08-16T20:58:46+00:00

Either you leaving a whole bunch out of this story or your wife sounds a bit unhinged. Locking your spouse out of the house for wanting to take a 30min piano lesson once a week is pretty crazy.

Guess my question really is when she says you’re never available does she have a point. Are you irresponsible? Because if you’re not handling things at home or spending time with your kids then that might be your problem.

Ps you can watch videos on YouTube to learn how to play piano for free. I learned how to play the guitar very well and never had an in person lesson.

BoringAndSucks · 2024-08-10T06:38:20+00:00

Big difference between shit tests and plain insults, you are her little betch.

Dangerous-Painting82 · 2024-08-10T18:02:53+00:00

I do think you might need to ask yourself if now is the right time to take piano lessons. I mean you have a 6 month old..... Doesn't sound very practical.

Title	A cry for help
Author	pineapple_and_bacon
Upvotes	14
Comments	48
Date	August 9, 2024 10:03 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askMRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/1eocex4/a_cry_for_help/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askMRP/a-cry-for-help.1526840 https://theredarchive.com/post/1526840

Comments