Letting go of the ex wife’s judgement and words.

GreenCod8806 · 2024-10-24T10:45:29+00:00

She sabotaged your marriage don’t let her sabotage you. No one gets to decide who you are but you.

Know yourself. Provide yourself with specific examples of the opposite of everything you mentioned.

Journal if you have to but the truth is you should never use your word against yourself. Every word you use for yourself to describe your self worth should be used with integrity.

This is poison and you are choosing to drink it. Don’t drink poison.

Long-Review-1861 · 2024-09-27T09:57:56+00:00

Just realize those are the words of an unhinged toxic women and are not based in reality. Women often go for the jugular to hurt you because they operate on emotion

Positive_Rub_6696 · 2024-09-27T06:16:22+00:00

Others here have already given you a lot of good, sage advice on getting therapy and even if some of the things your ex said are or were true, you’re capable of redefining yourself. If they’re not true, no sense in letting them take up space in your head.

By the way: all that stuff your ex said was malicious. Words used as weapons with the intent to hurt you. And they have hurt you, very deeply. Think about her intent while you consider the validity of her words.

I’m here to say, sadly, while it’s great you went out on a date, the truth of the matter is, you’re not ready to date. You do not love yourself. How could you love yourself with all that toxic stuff the ex fed you that’s taking up space in your head? You can’t give away what you haven’t got.

I thought I was ready to date long before I actually was. I had to purge a lot of her words, and that took time.

Longjumping-Cup-4018 · 2024-09-27T03:52:15+00:00

Most women think they will never be wrong in any relationship, be confident in yourself and learn from mistakes.

ijumpedthegun · 2024-09-27T03:31:31+00:00

Even if those things you’re telling yourself are true (you were an absent father, you let her down, etc), consider two things. 1) people grow, you’re allowed to improve, and 2) sometimes, being with the wrong person or in the wrong situation brings out the worst of you.

I’m coming out of a marriage where I know I’ll be dealing with the same issues. It’s hard being the best version of yourself when you’re with someone that’s constantly criticizing you, making you feel less than, etc.

As others have suggested: go to therapy, it can work wonders for that negative self talk. As men, it’s hard to be kind to ourselves and forgive ourselves for our shortcomings. But that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try.

Character_Pop_6628 · 2024-09-27T00:39:37+00:00

Yea, I feel this one man. I'm moving out tonight because I'm being kicked out. She has always been so demeaning and critical. I don't want to be followed around by her influence on me. I want to just shake it off but I know that just moving out and moving on will not cut it. I have to find a replacement. affirmtions or something. I do gratitude Journaling now... who even AM I.....

NohoTwoPointOh · 2024-09-26T20:15:37+00:00

Therapy. Your head is not in a great spot if she's in YOUR head like that.

Grab thyselff a male therapist and put in the work.

In the meantime? Do things that build YOUR confidence. How's your phyiscal fitness? What' an honest, emprical assessment that isn't something nebulous like "I'm not perfect" or "Could be better". Where do you currently stand? Can you run a mile? Walk 3? Bench/Squat/Deadlift your bodyweight? Half? Quater? None?

People will tell you it's "bro science". But when you can yoink 225 for reps, her voice will be like the back-row heckler in a comedy club. Your confidence will be the microphone that shuts her the fuck up and makes her leave (along with the work you put in during therapy).

In terms of being a father, how much work are you putting in? You said she said you "were" an absent father, so I'm assuming your kids may be older? If not, how engaged are you in their academics, activities, learning path, and tacticals like nutrition? Where are you at right now?

An honest inventory speaks louder than anything.

4st4rt3s-c4ptn · 2024-09-26T19:52:02+00:00

I had similar challenges. My ex was quite judgmental - of me, my family, and my friends. In addition to therapy (which I recommend for any man going through divorce), I found that being in a quiet place, alone, saying out loud my responses to her judgements, into the void, was immensely useful.

It helped me:

Get it out of my system so I wouldn’t say things to her face, especially in front of our kid, and
Remember my value as a person and that I was not what she claimed me to be.

azwildcat74 · 2024-09-26T18:43:33+00:00

You have to find a way to grow into a quiet confidence in who you are. I was similar in that my exes words haunted me for a good bit during/after the divorce. I was “an abusive narcissist” and for the life of me I just couldn’t understand how fucked up I must be if I never even realized that about myself. Then one day it just clicked that she doesn’t get to define me at all, not a single thing. I get to be whoever I want to be and whatever I want to be going forward and I don’t have to listen to shit she says about it anymore. I’ve grown to be a better dad, I finished a masters degree, I’m in much better shape, I travel more, I eat better, my life as a whole has improved vastly because I don’t have to have a co-author who tries to derail my story any more. If we are growing and tangibly improving in a manner that everyone else can see, who was the real problem in the relationship? You’ve been unshackled, grow brother.

Timely_Froyo1384 · 2024-09-26T18:34:24+00:00

Find your self a good EMDR therapist.

They can help you to lessen the trauma she inflected on you.

If you can’t afford therapy. Everytime the ghost comes back to put you down think of a big red stop sign and then tell the ghost to shut the f up and that it’s not true. Then replace that voice with the truth.

Objective-Bug-9205 · 2024-09-26T18:17:36+00:00

Mind said I wasn't a good husband and should read a sex help book. Then she cheated (or she was already cheating). These words still hurt and destroyed my confidence. I can't imagine ever approaching a woman now. I would never have said anything like that to her (she wasn't perfect but I'd never be that cruel).

No_Pace2396 · 2024-09-26T18:08:00+00:00

In my mind, my ex went on a campaign of disinformation and denigration. I can’t get it out of my head. 1 court filing after another, telling the same crazy story. Things that at one point I knew were not true. I look back at what I think proves how wild her accusations are. But nobody in the court system gives one shit about any of it. Judges and lawyers, fine, but the GAL, “coparenting” clinical “neutral”, my daughter’s therapist. The professionals who I thought would ensure that I would stay a part of my kids lives because they would see I was a decent father and decent man. All bought her side, feed it back to me. Let my kids believe it. I can say my ex is a talented narcissist or whatever, but at some point….

I’ve got other things going on that have caused me to question myself, my capabilities, my identity. It’s got to the point where sometimes I feel like I don’t know what’s real. Started with the divorce, started long before that. I’m in a spot now where I don’t know whether I’ve had just a few things come together that are so fucked up that anybody would be feeling crazy or if there’s just something really wrong with me.

Read about DARVO. See if you think it applies. I know every man here was gas lit by a narcissist or beaten down by a psychopathic wife who wasn’t ever going to be happy. True or not you have to find your self worth somehow. I’m starting with nothing but doubt.

kdthex01 · 2024-09-26T17:57:32+00:00

Look up PTSD, because it sounds like ur going through it, and there might be some useful tips for dealing with episodes like this.

IANAP but when the intrusive thoughts are winning I try to do something physical. Anything from a walk to touch grass, to maybe more demanding like run, lift, ride, swim, hit some balls, whatevs floats your boat.

Beamformer · 2024-09-26T17:54:07+00:00

Mine loved to bitterly say... I bet you are going to make a great partner to someone one day. Right she was. She also liked to tell me I worked too hard, or that I never went to work. Eventually after the millionth criticism of my parenting, I realized that if she ever agreed I should treat it as a red flag. Don't trust their judgments, especially if you don't believe it to be true.

Joeykapps · 2024-09-26T17:26:10+00:00

Whether those statements are true or not, you can’t change the past. Learn from the mistakes you made and incorporate that into yourself and your next relationship. Her opinion should hold absolutely no weight.

0neMinute · 2024-09-26T17:24:26+00:00

Time my friend , time. I started dating straight out of the gate to try and feel better and it worked but didn’t work. Felt like i was cheating for the first two months with all sorts of anxiety. Keep moving forward and focus on yourselfon, take a step back if you feel over whelmed and do not over commit out of fear of losing a relationship early. If it feels it needs to go then let it go. Now is the time to focus on what you want.

Reflog1791 · 2024-09-26T17:24:03+00:00

Embrace your new life and don’t look back. Take it slow with the new woman. Don’t force it.

Title	Letting go of the ex wife’s judgement and words.
Author	Miserable_Ad_1172
Upvotes	29
Comments	37
Date	September 26, 2024 5:16 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1fq1jas/letting_go_of_the_ex_wifes_judgement_and_words/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/letting-go-of-the-ex-wifes-judgement-and-words.1531573 https://theredarchive.com/post/1531573

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