My ex and I have been separated for 4 months. I visit now and then, and I've brought the kids a couple of times. We always have fun.

Last time, I sat on her bed and just chatted about life, and I noticed a brand new mlb baseball cap with the tag on it. Of course I was instantly distracted and picked it up, examined it, said it was really nice and put it back. I said, "Where'd this come from?" She said she bought it to wear. Which is highly curious based on our 16+ years of knowing each other. Not a single day in those 16 years would a baseball hat go anywhere near her head, even though I played 17 seasons and went to the TX state championships my senior year. Baseball is huge to me. She knows this. But, strangely placed amongst her Japanese anime collectibles there is a brand new MLB baseball cap.

I digress. That night I fought with some fears. I recognized them and let them go so I could comparmentalize them later when I was less emotional. Then, everything was totally fine. For a while.

Last night I dreamt vividly standing in her room and talking about the hat, only this time the fears I was holding back just to be cordial were in full force, like I was a little boy finding out my girlfriend wants to breakup when I can't imagine my life without her in it. All this because she said the hat was a present for someone she's dating.

I woke up crying for the first time in my life, and I don't know what to do with that.