Sorry if this is a ramble. My head is spinning and I don’t have thoughts straight. Also obligatory “alt account for obvious reasons” explanation.

Long session with the couples therapist today. And I think today marks one full year of couples therapy. I don’t feel any better today than I did a year ago.

I insisted we go last November. It’s been a slog. More than once I decided that it was done, that I was done, that she was done, all over but the crying, yknow? A year of ups and downs, of no new tools for communicating. Of bad feelings.

The latest bomb to drop is menopause as the reason for EVERYTHING. Don’t get me wrong: I’m 100% filled with empathy for what her body, emotions, brain, what it’s all doing. The way it’s all betraying her. Making her irritable. Making her forgetful. Making her indifferent. I wouldn’t wish menopause on my enemy.

Is menopause the WHOLE REASON for how we got here? I don’t know. It feels a little reductive, a little like “not my fault, don’t blame me, it’s all menopause!”

And okay maybe her treatment of me is menopause. Maybe 15 years of no libido is menopause. Maybe her dismissiveness and derision and just flat-out disregard is menopause. Maybe.

Am I just meant to sit here and live with it? We’re old and I’m lonely in my marriage. What do I do, just sit here and wait to die?

It’s not like we aren’t friendly. We can run a household really well. We have two late-teens who are on their way to becoming adults. We’ve done our job. So is that it then?

Today in the drive home from therapy I was hit with the old, “I do so much of the invisible work, the emotional labor”. JFC I’m so appreciate and express my gratitude constantly. On the other hand, I feel taken for granted as the primary breadwinner, the one who makes meals and does the shopping and the inevitable house and car and other things maintenance. I don’t need a cookie; pulling my half is part of being in a partnership. But the emotional labor…. Come on. That’s a bs excuse for feeling resentful. I show up.

I told you it was a ramble.

We are friendly. I’m just tired. I’m sure she’s tired. Eventually she’ll give up and file. Statistically (with her having a masters)it’s 90% chance it’ll be her that does it.

I’m waiting for it. Or to just kick the bucket. Thanks, hormonal changes in midlife.

Thanks for reading.